Posts Tagged ‘personal power’

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The Creation Conundrum

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

Emotions are creative energy.

That bare-bones statement gives rise to all kinds of difficult questions with potentially untenable answers.  In The Secret of Personal Power I raised the question I find the hardest to get my mind around:  Do people who are truly victims of circumstance create the disasters that befall them?  I believe the answer is no. Good things happen to bad people.  Innocent people fall victim to war, famine, earthquakes, floods, genocide, illness, etc.

So  let’s draw a line between the victims of those kinds of harsh realities and someone who’s caught up in the emotions of Victim mode.  When such emotions as anger, hate, despair, fear, jealousy, malice, contempt and panic are raging, and you are caught in their power, you feel helpless.  Regardless of the situation or the actions of someone else, the sense of helplessness comes from overwhelming emotion.  Emotions in this mode have all the power.  You see no way out, and you function by reaction rather than intention.  Such reactions tend to of two types:  fighting back or giving up.

Since all emotions have creative power, when such Victim emotions are raging they reinforce, intensify, multiply, compound.  The more you reiterate your fear, the greater the danger will seem.  Dwelling on anger adds fuel to the fire.  Reviewing your hurts magnifies your pain.  Whether your emotions actually make the situation worse is irrelevant; the emotions get bigger, or deeper, or more dangerous, or less acceptable, and the nature of the situation will conform to the emotions.

And thus we encounter a creation conundrum:  Do pain and suffering create the emotions of victim mode or do the emotions of Victim mode create pain and suffering?  I think the potential exists for it to work both ways.

Interpreter Power

When you leave Victim Mode, you multiply your personal power by 100.  You no longer feel totally helpless.  You start looking for answers and solutions.  Unfortunately, the solutions you attempt rarely solve the problem.  You’re still sick, lonely, poor, unhappy, frustrated, anxious, skeptical, depressed, etc.  That’s because the emotions of Interpreter mode create struggle.

The hallmark of Interpreter Mode is judgment, and by definition judgment is non-acceptance.  Non-acceptance is resistance.  And what you resist persists.

In Interpreter Mode, you make up motivations, comparisons, definitions, descriptions and many, many other forms of stories.  In Interpreter Mode, these stories infiltrate your self-talk.  Whenever you make a declarative statement about yourself, “I am _____,” you have decided something about yourself, and by your declaration you contribute to the creation of you as _____.   For instance, if you declare you are humiliated, you help create a reality of humiliation.

Sometimes such statements summarize your current condition:  “I am tired.”  “I am frustrated.”  “I am enjoying myself.”  Such summaries come in three different forms:  complaints, observations and declarations.  If your statement is a complaint, it indicates you’re operating from Interpreter Mode, and you are feeling relatively powerless.  If it’s a neutral observation, you’re in Observer Mode, and we’ll get to that in a minute.  If it’s a declaration, your words have Creator power.

When you hear yourself complaining, you can immediately take a step into greater power by recognizing there must be other possibilities.  Those possibilities may not come to you immediately, but declaring they must exist takes you into Observer Mode.

So traffic is bad during rush hour.  Can you change your schedule?  Can you switch to a different mode of transportation?  Can you take better advantage of that block of time?  Can you create a different reality for yourself?

So your child is impossible.  Can you get to know her better?  Can you acknowledge her strengths rather than judge her weaknesses?  Can you discover what’s really bothering her?  Can you create a better relationship with her?

Of course, it’s possible to stay in Interpreter Mode while you’re looking for possibilities, but any form of judgment will entangle your options in resistance and struggle.  Use the tried and true brainstorming technique of writing down every idea that comes to you without stopping to evaluate.  You’ll be surprised how often the best option turns out to be the one you initially have the most resistance to.

When you form an opinion about yourself and make self-declarations based on that opinion, that opinion is likely based on limited or mis-information:  “I don’t like carrots.”  “I’m not athletic.”  “I can’t sing.”

Perhaps you believe you don’t like carrots because when you were little, your Great Aunt Hilda always served them creamed.  Perhaps you believe you’re not athletic because your family had a ping-pong table in the basement when you were twelve and you always lost.  Perhaps you believe you can’t sing because you’re measuring your ability against that of Pavarotti or Julie Andrews.  Whatever the reasons, the more you repeat these statements the truer they become.  Once they become true, you may hate carrots even when prepared by a five-star chef; you may refuse to attempt any sports, even those that don’t require speed or good hand-eye coordination; and you might enjoy singing with the church choir, but you’ll never find out.

The conundrum I find in Interpreter Mode is:  “How do I know what’s true for me vs what I perceive to be true for me?  Am I limited by my perceptions even if I want to create something else?”  Creating best good begins with choosing your wholeness first and being committed to what’s true for you.

Observer Power

When you leave the resistance of Interpreter Mode, you discover the emotions of Observer Mode create calm.  When you operate from calm you are 100 times more powerful than when you operate from struggle, and the creative power shifts from the emotion to you.

The “secret” of moving from Interpreter to Observer is simple.  Stop judging.

Recently, one of my clients  had been caught up in judgment in a couple of situations in his life.  In all other areas he felt calm and centered, but with two or three people he couldn’t forget the injuries he’d experienced at their hands.  He named the costs of holding onto his judgment (headaches, anxiety), and during our session I kept nudging him toward neutrality.  Finally, he said, “But that wouldn’t be any fun!”  With that statement he identified the challenge:  it’s possible to get a kind of perverse enjoyment from Interpreter level emotions.

Perhaps one of the things we look for when we make up our interpretations and stories, is evidence we’re not guilty, it’s not our fault, we couldn’t help it, someone else caused this, it was an accident, nobody’s perfect, we tried our hardest.  Etc.  We resist the very possibility we played a role or own a share of the responsibility.  Well, stop judging.  Extend compassion to yourself and others.  When you do, you create room for growth and development.

When your observations come from curiosity, patience or hope, you create and expand your choices.  When you relax rather than resist, your entire body responds and you enjoy greater health and well-being.  Whereas judgment is harsh and unbending, neutrality is soft and fluid.

Because the hallmark of Observer Mode emotions is neutrality, the energy you experience changes.  Because you are not in constant conflict, you are not in constant tension.  You are safe, sheltered from the storm, freed from conflict, in the now.  Adversity looses its sting.  You may know you still face challenges, you are not intimated by them.  You may know times are still tough, you recognize it’s temporary.  You recognize you have accessed the power to:

  • Change at least some aspects of the situation.
  • Change your perception of the situation.
  • Look for options.
  • Trust your intuition.
  • Choose the emotions you want to feel.

My client’s statement, “But that wouldn’t be any fun!” gives rise to the Observer conundrum:  Do conflict and challenge mean the same thing, or is challenge without conflict possible?  In my experience it’s totally possible to have challenge without conflict .

Observer Mode is the most slippery of all the modes because there’s no such thing as an objective observer.  As soon as you observe something, you put it in context of your life, your values, your preferences, your expectations, your aspirations.  You become the subject of your observation, and you will move in one direction or another.  You will either slide back into Interpreter Mode, or you will edge into Partner Mode.  The direction you move will depend on whether you choose judgment or cooperation.

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

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Posted in Interpreter Mode, Observer Mode, Victim Mode, personal power | Comments Off

Getting What You Want

Sunday, December 11th, 2011

To paraphrase Shakespeare:  What to choose and what not to choose, that is the question.

Followed, of course, by all manner of other questions:  What choices are actually within my power?  What if what I want is not within my power to obtain or achieve?  What if I make a mistake?  What if I don’t deserve it?  What if God has something else in mind for me?  How do I go about getting it?  What if I fail (stumble, look stupid, hurt someone else in the process, lose)?  What if I get it, and end up disappointed (again)?  Etc.

Choosing can be difficult for many reasons, starting with the need to know yourself pretty well and including the limits of the human imagination.  No matter how creative you are, it’s impossible to envision every outcome.  And it’s especially impossible to envision the best way for something to come about.

So here you sit, facing the questions of what to choose (or not choose), besieged by additional questions and limited by your imagination.  And held captive by your assessment of yourself.  Now what?

Well, you can wait for something to happen and hope it’s good.  You can fall back on old habits and old choices and make the best of it.  You can find ways to explain your immobility:  reality, the economy, your obligations, your fears, other people, ego, your lack of resources (money, education, talent, opportunity).  You can look for a sign.  You can experiment with the options you see.  You can go to work on becoming better acquainted with yourself.

You can learn to make miracles.

The Nature of the Miracle

Traditionally, miracles carry a religious connotation, occurring as a result of divine intervention.  You pray, and the gods respond in your favor – if they favor your request.  When I first began to explore the idea of miracles, I realized I held a core belief in the laws of the universe.  I believe natural laws govern all outcomes, and even the gods work within the laws.  I concluded if we can’t see how an outcome happens, we simply do not understand the laws.  (I’m even more convinced of that since I’ve been studying quantum physics.)

For most of my life, I’ve been observing patterns and then dissecting the patterns to discover the contributing factors.  One of the most powerful insights I’ve gained over the years is that any energy or entity “out there” wants our best good.  Completely.  In all things.  Without exception.  Cosmic Consciousness (or God, or The Source, or whatever you want to call it) wants us to be happy, healthy, wealthy, wise, successful, and abundant.

That entity wants us to know ourselves, to know love, to gain enlightenment, to access the full measure of our personal power, and to serve powerfully.  There are no trade-offs.  We don’t have to sacrifice something in order to receive something.  We don’t need to have abundance in order to be happy, or health in order to be wise, or love in order to serve, or service in order to know love.

Of course, if you believe in such trade-offs, they become true.  But what if they aren’t true?  What if you could believe in miracles without limitations?  What if you could believe in your own best good?  What if you could believe your best good was your birthright?  What if you could believe that just because you were born on this planet you were given the right to enjoy the full fruits of life?

I’m going to assume you do believe this, and you do want Your Best Good.

Who Knows What’s Best?

Let’s explore Best Good a bit more deeply.  First of all, recognize Your Best Good is best for you, and you are the only arbiter.  No one on this planet knows what’s best for you better than you do – although cosmic consciousness might.  Your parents don’t know, your teachers didn’t know, your boss doesn’t know, your neighbors don’t know, you minister doesn’t know, your therapist doesn’t know.  No one else knows.  Everyone else will see your best good through their own lenses, and their lenses will be tinted by such factors as their beliefs, their experiences, their values, their view of you, and what’s in it for them.

But, you may be saying, I don’t know what my best good is!  Yes, you do.  At least your soul knows.  Your mind has probably been listening to others for too many years to be able to sort what you know from what everyone else says.  However, your heart and your body have ways of communicating that knowledge to you, if you are willing to listen.

I envision the methodology for making miracles to have three parts.  Each part of the model is an action point and requires your full commitment .

First – Choose, and Choose Truly

First, the choice you make must a true for you – and you must be willing to be true to it.  If you make a choice that is not true for you, you will know it in one of two ways:  1) You won’t be able to hold the intention.  It will simply slip out of your mind and out of your life.  2)  You’ll start getting messages from your true self.  Those messages will begin with a nudge, a pinprick of discomfort, a slip-up somewhere:  you’ll come down with a cold, your car won’t start, you’ll lose a computer file, etc.  (This is not to say every slip-up is a message, but it pays to explore the possibility.)

If you pay attention to the first message and correct your course, you’ll soon be on your way to Your Best Good.  If you ignore the first message, the second will be stronger:  the flu, perhaps, or a rear-ender, or a crashed hard-drive.

If the second message slides past without acknowledgment, and you continue to pursue a choice that isn’t true for you, each successive message will be stronger still.  Pay attention to your pain, whatever form it takes.  It could be serving as a wake-up call, as a seer stone, as a magnifying glass, as a window to your soul, as a reflection of a past un-true choice, etc.

Choices in favor of Your Best Good will always result in less pain, less suffering, less struggle, fewer obstacles, a faster pace, and greater peace.

Second – Align With Your Choice

This section is tricky because it’s absolutely impossible to see the unification – the alignment – take place.  The only way you can know whether or not you’re aligned is to look at the result.  If what you have chosen isn’t happening, you’re not aligned with it.  You’re aligned with whatever is happening.

The mis-alignment can be in your thoughts, in your emotions, or in your actions.  Since actions are the most observable, it’s fairly easy to assess whether they’re in unity with your choice.  If you’ve chosen to be healthy, are you living healthily?  If you’ve chosen to write a book, are you actually writing?  If you’ve chosen to build a business, are you focused on service?

Conscious thought is also fairly easy to monitor, just tune into your mind and listen.  Are you critical or creative?  Are you distracted or determined?  Are you candid or calculating?

Sub-conscious thoughts, beliefs and emotions are more subtle, but they are not invisible.  They show up in such non-subtle ways as trials, tribulations, and pain.

During three recent coaching sessions I worked with people in physical pain.  One client had pain in her shoulder and numbness in her forearm, one had sciatica, and one had irritable bowel syndrome.  In each case, we looked for emotional conflicts by probing for the metaphorical message in the pain.  Once the client found the message, listened to it, and made a different choice, the pain eased up.  My client with shoulder and arm issues, found a belief that it was her responsibility to be the “good right arm” of others, and in accordance with that belief she was investing an excessive amount of energy in other people’s goals.  She decided to refocus her attention on her wholeness and best good.  My client with sciatica realized the pain began when she let herself be drawn into a situation she didn’t like and became angry with herself.  We revisited the incident and she chose calm instead of anger.  My client with the irritated bowel found he was taking responsibility for the emotions of others.  As soon as he identified this burden and acknowledged he had chosen to take it on, he was able to release it.

In each case, when my client recognized the inner conflict and released the part that wasn’t in alignment with Best Good, the pain subsided or disappeared.

Third, Receive the Miracle

Receiving may seem like a no-brainer.  If you choose truly, and if you unify your thoughts, actions and emotions, of course you’re willing to receive!

However, since the miracle will be Your Best Good, it might not look exactly like you envisioned when you first made your choice.  You’ve heard the old story of the guy sitting on his roof during a flood, praying for deliverance and turning away rescuers because he expected God to magically transport him away from danger.  You can’t know in advance what the miracle will look like, what form it will take, or how it will show up in your life.  Be willing to open your arms and embrace the miracle that comes.  Sometimes the miracle is the end result, and the only thing left for you is to celebrate.  Sometimes the miracle is an opportunity, and it’s up to you to stride through the door and proceed eagerly up the path.

Wanting Your Best Good is not a substitute for more specific choices.  If you want to write a best-selling novel, decide what that would feel like to you, and choose it.  Unify your thoughts, actions and emotions with that choice.  Then let go of any expectation, any concept of what that must look like.  Go to work; keep your emotions in partner or creator mode, and willingly receive Your Best Good.

The universe will then deliver the miracle.

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

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Neutralizing Fear

Sunday, November 20th, 2011

I’ve often heard it postulated the most universal fear is fear of death, and I disagree.  I believe fear of the unknown is far greater.

As human beings, we like safety, security, constancy, predictability, permanence, and tradition.  To varying degrees, such assurances give us confidence.  Decisions are easier when we know what the options are.  We like reunions (or not) because we know what to expect.  Trips are easier to plan when we have road maps and hotel directories.  We like menus, study guides, business plans, instruction books, teacher and mentors.  Most of us prefer the smooth-running to the eventful.  If we could avoid accidents, we would.  Some people would avoid all surprises if they could.

By contrast, the unknown often feels unsafe, unpredictable, indefinite, risky, and dangerous.

Of course, we have individual tolerances for the unknown.  We all have areas where we’re willing to take risks and areas where we’re not.  You might be fine with financial risks and cautious about relationships.  Your partner might be fine with emotional risks and fearful in matters of health.  Your child might be a daredevil on his skateboard and unwilling to even breathe the aroma of a strange food.

I believe fear of the unknown lies at the heart of every fear.  For instance, say you’re afraid of speaking in public.  Perhaps your insecurity arises from what people will think.  Or perhaps you fear you might stutter or lose your place or forget what you plan to say.  In both cases, it’s the unknown:  you don’t know what people think; you don’t know whether you’ll falter.  If you knew people liked you, or you knew you would carry it off, you wouldn’t be afraid (or not as afraid).

Or say you’re afraid of flying.  The unknowns include the competence of the pilot, the air-worthiness of the plane, the weather conditions, and other air traffic, not to mention freaky things like wind shears, collisions with birds, and anything else your creative imagination supplies.

Or say you’re afraid of getting your heart broken.  The unknown you fear can take many guises, and the guise it takes will influence your choices.  If you’re afraid you are unworthy of love, you may never date again.  If you’re afraid there aren’t any good ones left, you may never date one person for long enough to find out.  If you’re afraid the other person is unwilling to make a long-term commitment, you may look for reasons to break it off first.

If you’re afraid of losing your job, perhaps it’s because you don’t know what might happen when money isn’t coming in (so you make something up).  If you’re afraid of driving at night, perhaps it’s because you can’t see far enough into the dark to know what’s out there.  If you’re afraid to look deep inside yourself, perhaps it’s because you don’t know who you’ll find.

Every human being has a deep, infinite reserve of power, although most of us hoard our power as if in a locked trunk.  Unlocking the truck and accessing our own power may be one of the key aspects of finding our purpose and living it.  The more “safely” we keep our power locked away, the more we operate from Victim Mode.  The emotions of Victim Mode serve as sentries, separating us from our own power.  We own the power, it’s deep within us, but we have somehow accepted the role of vassal to our emotions.  Any movement out of Victim Mode is a move toward mastering our emotions.

Fear is such an effective sentry it convinces us our power has been neutralized.  Following are several strategies for reversing the process.  When you neutralize fear, you gain access to your power.

Gain Knowledge

Because fear of the unknown is at the heart of all fear, when you expand the known you reduce the unknown and thus reduce fear.  Gaining knowledge is the simplest of all methods, and any of the following practices will help:

  • Study what you don’t know.
  • Research the facts using reliable sources.
  • Ask questions rather than make assumptions.
  • Practice and gain proficiency.
  • Invest time and energy in developing relationships you can trust.
  • Seek out teachers and mentors.

Going back to the above examples, the more you speak in public, the more skill you gain, and the less likely you are to stutter, or lose your place, or forget what you wanted to say.  Sufficient research can provide you with statistics about flying generally and factors contributing to accidents specifically.  Taking the time to develop a trust relationship with someone can reassure you your heart is safe.

Reframe your Story

One of the most typical ways of trying to resolve the unknown is to fill in the blanks.

Since you don’t know what the audience is thinking, your mind shuffles the deck of possibilities and pulls a card:  They think this isn’t going to be worth their time. You accept the first drawn card as the answer.  The unknown has been revealed and your fear is allayed; except now you’re embarrassed, frustrated, insecure, or even angry.

Since you can’t know the competence of your pilot, your mind draws a card:  He’s likely to fall asleep on the job. Now you’re more afraid than ever.

Or after dinner one night your date’s credit card has expired.  You offer to pay, but your mind draws the card:  Freeloader. Ah, one question is answered, but another unknown keeps the fear alive: What if he’s totally financially irresponsible?

A coaching friend of mine shared her reframing policy with me.  She said every time she imagines a negative possibility, she forces herself to think of three equally-likely positive possibilities.

The audience could as easily be thinking:  I’ve heard good things about this speaker! Or Good dresser. Or I never thought of that before.

The pilot could as easily be fresh from a good night’s sleep, or one of the airline’s best, or particularly savvy about weather patterns.

Your date could be a)  Forgetful.  When his new card came in the mail he neglected to activate it.  b)  Moving.  His new card is in the box of papers he’s moving from his old apartment to his new, and he’s a bit harried right now.  c)  Changing banks and the old bank closed his account one day early.

By insisting your mind draw several cards from the deck of possibilities, you avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions with insufficient evidence.  You still don’t know if any of the possibilities you come up with is correct, but you are a bit more willing to accept the unknown.  Such acceptance of the unknown goes a long way toward neutralizing your fear of it.

Meet Fear Head-on

Perhaps you often face your emotions.  Are you more likely to reinforce the emotion you’re experiencing, or confront it with something else?  People generally meet fear with more fear, anxiety with more anxiety, worry with more worry, etc.  This will put you in a repetitive, reinforcing loop.  The more you worry the more worry you feel, which you meet with more worry.  It’s like a leaf caught in an eddy, circling endlessly around with no ability to push back into the current.  Or like adding fuel to an already raging fire.

You can, however, meet an unwelcome emotion with its opposite, which effectively cancels them both out.  In Buddhism this is called applying the antidote to the destructive mental state.  My source for this insight* indicated there was a specific antidote for each negative emotion.  In my work with clients, however, I ask them to identify the emotion they’re feeling then choose the positive emotion that seems most appropriate as the antidote.

When you’re experiencing fear (or any other Interpreter Mode emotion), imagine its opposite.  You might choose love as the opposite of fear, hope as the opposite of anxiety, curiosity as the opposite of uncertainty, meekness as an antidote for doubt, or serenity as an antidote to worry.  If the antidotes I’ve suggested don’t resonate with you, find one that does.  Once the positive and negative have cancelled each other out, you can continue to evoke the positive emotion and powerfully establish that as your state of being.

Move up a Level

As you may recall, fear is a Victim Mode emotion.  When you are consumed by fear, you probably believe you have no power.  (Actually, your full power exists within you at all times.)  The instant you realize you have sufficient power to choose one of these strategies, you crack open the lid of your inner power chest.  When you access just a tiny ray of your power, enough to say, “I’m tired of being a victim,” you immediately move to Interpreter Mode.   And Interpreter Mode has 100 times more power than Victim Mode.

You don’t have to know how you will stop being afraid.  You don’t have to actually deal with the fear or its causes.  You don’t even have to choose what you want instead.  Try this 3-step process.

  1. Get in touch with whatever you are feeling.
  2. Name it.
  3. Say you want to be done with it.

Through recognition, acknowledgment and this small acceptance that something else is possible, you access enough of your power to move from Victim to Interpreter.

Perhaps you’re not experiencing a Victim level of fear, but feel some Interpreter version of it such as alarm, anxiety, defensiveness, doubt, dread, embarrassment, insecurity, wariness or trepidation.  The process still works:  Recognize the emotion you’re experiencing, acknowledge it by naming it, then let go of the judgment embedded within it.  Whether you’re judging someone else, the situation, or yourself, give up judgment and you instantly move to Observer Mode.  And Observer Mode has 100 times more power than Interpreter Mode.

Make Peace with Your Fear

This final strategy is both the most difficult and the most effective.  For it to be effective you must first own your fears.  You created them.  You adopted them.  You have nourished them.  You possess them.

Imagine you have erected a protective wall around yourself in an effort to keep out the unknown.  Because the wall itself wasn’t quite sufficient, you hired a dragon to guard the gate.  Then, to be sure of the dragon, you staked it right outside your door.  Because you fed and tended the dragon, it grew stronger and fiercer.  Since installing it, you’ve probably discovered it’s powerless to keeps the unknown away from your gate – but it does a swell job of keeping you imprisoned inside.

Your fears are like this dragon.  To free yourself, you have to free the dragon.  To free the dragon you have to walk right up to it.  Make peace with it.  Ask it to show you everything it’s got.  From your current perspective, you think your dragon is all teeth and claws and barbed tail.  That’s what fear does to us.  It appears to be the danger, it becomes the unknown.  Yet, in reality, it’s merely the way we’ve contrived to protect ourselves.

If you are willing to approach your fears in peace, you will discover your dragon has a deep desire to defend you, to honor you, to obey your every wish.  To convince your fears you no longer need them, step past them and take a good look at whatever you believed you needed protection against.

Should you discover a real threat, use real means to disarm it or defend against it.  Fear itself can do neither.  More likely, as you venture into the unknown, you will discover a stranger who’s willing to be a friend, an adventure inviting you to climb aboard, a wilderness waiting to be explored, an opportunity ready to be exploited, new information available for assimilation, or some aspect of yourself you’ve neglected.  The unknown may even be the milieu of your best good, if you’re willing to free your dragon.

I challenge you to take the very first step to neutralize something you fear:  Choose to be done with it.

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Posted in Interpreter Mode, Neutrality, Observer Mode, Victim Mode, personal power | 47 Comments »

The Power of the Question

Sunday, November 13th, 2011

A women walks into a house that isn’t hers.  She scans the living room and opens the drawers in the end tables.  Shaking her head, she closes them and finds the bedroom.  She opens the drawers in the bedside tables.  Again, shaking her head, she checks the top dresser drawers.  In the last one, she spots a letter-sized envelope quite full of something.  With a satisfied smile, she leaves the house, turning off the lights behind her.

What just happened?  What questions are you asking?

With so few facts, anything you come up with is pure conjecture.  So let’s consider a scenario in which you have a bit more information.

Your 12-year old son is late coming home from school.  You have an appointment for him with his orthodontist in half an hour.  Sometimes he hangs out with kids you don’t much like.

What are your assumptions?  What questions are you asking?

Let’s take a few more real-life situations:

  • Your best bud lands a primo job, and you’re not to first to hear the news.
  • Without including you in the final meeting, your partner wraps a deal with a client who made first contact with you.  Of course, your business gets the business, but it’s the principle of the thing.
  • At your place of work, security cameras have been installed in the restrooms.  No advance notice was given.
  • A group of your good friends do something together, and they don’t include you.

What conclusions do you draw?  Based on what assumptions?

When such things happen to you, you probably begin to make up a story.  The story you come up with will depend on the questions that pop into your head.  And those questions will reflect your state of personal power.

(As I’m writing this, a street-cleaning truck is making its eighth or ninth pass along my street.  My mind is leaping to some very judgmental conclusions about abuse of tax-payer money.)

Questions focusing on either defense or offense reflect Victim Mode.

Questions focusing on causation, motivation, limitation, reciprocity or reparation reflect Interpreter Mode.

Questions focusing on values, preferences, desires, responsibility or self-identity reflect Observer Mode.

Questions focusing on gratitude, expansion, growth, manifestation, attraction or humor reflect Partner Mode.

Questions focusing on wisdom, mastery, unity, peace, being, love, happiness or creation reflect Creator Mode.

So let’s look at the opening scenario and add a couple more facts.  The house is next door to yours. You haven’t seen your neighbor in a couple of days.  The woman doesn’t have a key, but she finds the spare with only a little poking around (and after checking to make sure no one is watching).  The envelope looks suspiciously like it’s full of cash.

As the witness to this event, questions are racing through your mind.  The following chart shows some of the questions that occurred to me.  Just for fun, evaluate my questions in terms of the modes of personal power and see what my questions tell about me.  On the chart, put an X in the box of the mode you think categorizes the question.  If other questions have occurred to you, I challenge you to evaluate them and see what they say about you.

Question

V

I

O

P

C
What the hell is going on here?
Is this woman on the up-and-up?
Should I call the police?
What if she’s getting something at the request of the owner ?
Does she know what’s she looking for, or is she foraging?
What kind of business is  my neighbor in?
What kind of trouble are my neighbors in?
How can I help?
How can I hinder?

In this fictional scenario, we are merely a witnesses.  Most of the situations in your life are more personal, dealing with your family, your job, your health, your finances, your friends, neighbors, co-workers, bosses, clients, etc.   Because your situations and experiences are personal, your questions are personal.  You want to know who, what, why, when, where, and how.  You want to know how the situation affects you.  You want to know what’s in it for you.  You want to stay safe.  You want to come out ahead.  Therefore, most of your questions are I based.

The questions you ask perform several functions:

  • They establish or reinforce your relationship with the other.  (Person, situation, object, habit, etc.)
  • They illuminate the degree of your personal empowerment.
  • They open up or close off possibilities.
  • They point you in the direction of your next choices.
  • They help you see into your own soul.

Let’s explore these functions in turn.

Empower Your Relationships

The questions you ask establish or reinforce your relationship with the other.  The instant you make an assumption about someone else (or something else), you contribute to the quality of your relationship with that person.  You form assumptions based on expectations, past experiences, the values you hold, and myriad other influencing factors.  Your assumptions form the basis of your questions, which in turn lead to more assumptions, and thus you contribute to the quality of your relationships.  Consider the scenario of the 12-year-old who’s late coming home from school.

If you assume his no-good friends have induced him into some forbidden activity, you contribute to a conflicted relationship with him.  If you assume he probably stayed late at school to finish an extra-credit assignment, you contribute to a supportive relationship with him.  Of course, your assumption might be wrong, but the emotion underlying your assumption will influence your relationship with your son.

So, based on your emotions, which of these questions would you be asking?

  • Why does he always do this to me?
  • Why can’t he remember to check the time?
  • How can I track him down?  (And when I do, what will I say to him?)
  • What am I going to tell the orthodontist?
  • Is he ever going to grow up?
  • How can I create logical consequences so he can learn from his choices?

Access More of Your Power

The questions you ask illuminate the degree of your personal empowerment.  The amount of personal power you feel slides up and down with the range of your emotions.  Sometimes you feel confident, other times you feel helpless.  When you feel confident you’re more likely to ask constructive, progressive, intuitive questions.  When you feel helpless your questions are more likely to be defensive, suspicious, even destructive.

Your access to your personal power may ebb and flow.  The power itself is always on.  It does not come and go.  Your true power is steady, always available and infinite.  It exists full-strength, like a 500 watt light bulb – but with a dimmer switch.  If you feel powerless, you have adjusted the switch to low.  If you want to increase the radiance of your personal power, switch from powerless questions to empowered questions.

For instance, say one of your close friends throws a party and doesn’t invite you.  From interpreter mode, you might ask questions such as:

  • Did I offend him or something?
  • Doesn’t he like me anymore?
  • Has he forgotten all the times I’ve put him first?
  • How would he feel if I treated him like that?
  • What’s wrong with me that people keep treating me this way?

To turn up your dimmer switch, switch to such questions as:

  • What’s more important to me, my hurt feelings or my friendship with him?
  • Is there some connection between the people he invited that I don’t share?
  • What if the party was spur-of-the-moment, and he knew I wouldn’t be available?
  • What kind of person do I want to be?

Expand Your Possibilities

The questions you ask open up or close off possibilities.  As you will recall from the Modes of Power Diamond, Victim Mode sees impossibilities, Interpreter Mode sees difficulties, Observer Mode sees possibilities, Partner Mode sees probabilities, and Creator Mode sees inevitabilities.  Your view is the degree to which you believe something is possible.  Someone else in a similar situation will likely have a completely different sense of the potentialities.  And their view may be completely different from what is actually possible to someone in creator mode.

Always, in every situation, a wealth of possibilities exists – whether you see them or not.  However, only the ones you see are available to you.  Imagine you found yourself in a room with invisible doors.  From your perspective there’s no way in or out.  Then someone hands you a pair of magic glasses, and as soon as you put them on a door appears.

If you want to possess a pair of magic glasses and see the hidden doors of possibility, start asking different questions.  The following types of questions keep the doors of possibility shut tight:

  • Why do things always go wrong for me?
  • What if this is just my fate?
  • Am I getting my fair share?
  • Why is he so mean to me?
  • What if I never get better?

By comparison, the following types of questions turn troubles into opportunities:

  • Where’s my power in this situation?
  • What can I be grateful for in this situation?
  • What am I learning about myself in this situation?
  • What do I want instead?
  • What if she’s hurting as much as I am?
  • What can I do differently?

Strengthen Your Choice

The questions you ask point you in the direction of your next choices.  Conscious choice is one of the most powerful attributes of being human.  Almost every minute of every day, you stand at a choice point; you could turn left or right, sit or stand, speak or be silent.  Happily, for a huge percentage of these choice points, you’ve created a system or developed a habit and you function instinctively rather than by conscious choice.  Once you’ve established the habit of brushing your teeth, you’re not faced with a 3-times-a-day evaluation process.

You also allow the choice points created by your emotions to become habitual, and this may not serve you well.  If, every time someone comments on your life, you assume criticism, you spend most of your time playing defense.  On the other hand, if you decided to ask different questions, you’d enlarge your understanding (of the situation, of the other person, of yourself).  When you ask Interpreter type questions, you make choices that keep you in struggle and conflict.  When you ask Partner or Creator type questions, you make choices that empower you.  Different questions provide you with a different perspective, and more options will open up for you.

Observe Your Soul

The questions you ask help you see into your soul.  They may not determine your personality type, but they will reveal much about your emotional, physical and spiritual welfare.

In my last entry I drew a comparison between types of energy and the modes of power.  Now I’d like to draw a similar comparison between the modes of power and general well-being.

Victim = misery

Interpreter = unhappiness

Observer = neutrality

Partner = contentment

Creator = joy

If you want to evaluate the state of your soul, pay attention to the questions you ask.  Through the questions you ask, seek wisdom rather than answers.

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Creator Power

Sunday, November 6th, 2011

If emotions are energy, does this mean emotions are also power?   What is the relationship between emotions and energy?  Are they same?  And if so, so what?

There’s a lot of talk these days about energy in terms of sustainability:  energy needs, energy sources, green energy, renewable energy, alternative energy.  Our world is in an energy crisis.  Since the onset of the industrial revolution the need for energy has expanded continuously with little consideration of the down side.  The ability to produce more goods in greater and greater quantities has apparently outweighed every other consideration.  Mining and burning coal clearly cause illness and death, but the economic benefits have prevailed over such costs.  Only now, when the degradation of our environment has reached extreme levels, are we looking for “clean” energy.

Consider an energy spectrum of bad to good:

Toxic→Polluting→Neutral→Renewable→Pure

Now correlate this spectrum with the Modes of Personal Power:

  • ·Toxic energy  = Victim emotions
  • ·Polluting energy = Interpreter emotions
  • ·Neutral energy = Observer emotions
  • ·Renewable energy = Partner emotions
  • ·Pure energy = Creator emotions

Energy and Power

The neutral energy produced by and resulting from Observer Mode emotions causes no damage to the environment – or to you.  In this mode, you stop struggling.  You no longer feel a need to hold on, manipulate, fight, resist, withhold, prevent, monitor, dominate, or exert control in any other way.  You relax, surrender, drift, let go, let be, acknowledge, float, etc.  You just be. What is is.  You recognize how is not up to you.  You arrive in this mode by turning off the energy switch, by conserving.

In Partner Mode, you switch from off to on – but you have moved to an entirely different kind of energy than the polluting forms of Interpreter Mode.  Consider the emotions of Partner Mode in the context of renewable energy sources.  For instance, imagine appreciation as having the same delightful energy as a quick mountain stream.  Imagine confidence as having the same rising heat as a geothermal steam vent.  Imagine friendliness as having the healing warmth of sunlight.  Imagine willingness as having the same tenacious rhythm as the tides.  Imagine gratitude as having the same soothing energy as a summer breeze.  (Your imagination will likely come up with different correlations than mine, but you get the drift.)

When you experience emotions from Partner Mode, the energy of your confidence, appreciation, friendliness, willingness, gratitude, etc. empowers your efforts.  The energy you generate also empowers others.  The renewable resource of your Partner emotions can help those who are operating from Interpreter Mode to switch off the polluting energies of those emotions and become more sustainable.

As you’ll recall from the Modes of Power Diamond, personal power increases by orders of magnitude from one mode to the next.  (For visualization purposes, and without any way to actually measure it, I suggested a rate of expansion of 100 times.)  However, the energy cost is inverse to the energy gain.  When operating in Victim Mode, the energy balance is all cost and no gain.  Interpreter Mode is still high cost with little gain.  Observer Mode is neutral, it costs nothing and you get to keep all the energy you generate.  Partner emotions require some effort on your part (you have to erect the wind turbine) and then the energy is free; you get to use all you want with excess to share.

The Power of Creation

And now we come to Creator Mode.  The energy of these emotions is all gain at no cost.  Love is free.  Happiness is free.  Delight is free.  Kindness is free.  Peace is free.  Imagine if you had a direct power connection to the sun.  You could absorb energy from the sun without putting up a solar panel, without even going out and standing in the sun.  You wouldn’t need a battery to hold the energy because your direct connection would flow continuously regardless of weather or time of day.  The emotions of Creator Mode are like that.

Now imagine your connection is not with the sun, but with the universe, with the ultimate, infinite partner of all creation.  Imagine this connection is immediate and intimate.  It’s the air you breathe, your sensory awareness, the beat of your heart.  Creator emotions are that strong, that constant, that powerful.

When you operate in Creator Mode, your love will heal yourself and others.  Your happiness will create anything you want.  Your peace will infuse peace into every situation. Your enthusiasm will strengthen you and empower others.  You become the source of positive energy in any group, in any situation.  Creator emotions even empower you to reach across time and space.  You don’t have to be in the same location with those you serve.

So what would your life be like if you always operated from Creator Mode?  Would it be all peace and light?  A heaven on earth?  Unrelenting, boring bliss?

I don’t know.  That state of being is beyond my experience.  But the emotion/energy perspective gives me a way to look at it.

Infinite means no-limit, and in some ways no-limit energy looks more dangerous than inviting.  At their extremes, most natural and abundant sources of energy become “catastrophic.”  Consider tornadoes, tsunamis, volcanoes, etc.  From our finite human perspective, the effects seem destructive and disruptive.

And yet, such excesses of energy are the creative mechanisms of the universe.  According to the Big Bang theory, the universe itself began as an explosion.  Without the Iron Catastrophe, the earth would not be habitable.  Mountains are the result of tectonic shifts and volcanic activity. The richest soil on earth comes from such excesses as volcanoes, floods and glaciers.

I assume that as such energy extremes are rare in nature, so the upper extremes of Creator Mode emotions would be rare rather than constant.  Generally, mountain streams burble along, breezes clear the air, the tides ebb and flow, geothermal vents emit steam.  The energy’s there, and while the potential is far greater than we know, it’s also manageable and master-able.

The emotions of Creator Mode are amazingly powerful.  Powerful beyond our ability to imagine.  Creatively powerful.

This power can be engaged either actively or re-actively, although most of us experience it only re-actively – we love because others are loveable; we’re happy when there’s something to be happy about; we rejoice when there’s something to celebrate, etc.

Regardless of how we’ve come at these emotions, we have at least experienced them.  Such experiences are blessings.  They teach us what creator energy feels like, how our bodies respond to these emotions, and to recognize the power when we feel it.  They provide us with an experience base from which we can learn to actively engage the power.

Become an Active Creator

Knowing what love feels like, you can generate it from your heart and use it to heal.  You can heal your own illnesses and the illnesses of others.  You can heal ill-will, scarcity, loneliness, past error, or any other wound inflicted or experienced from victim or interpreter mode.

Knowing what happiness feels like, you can generate it from within and use it to create any outcome you desire.

Knowing what delight feels like, you can let it expand within you to reframe any erroneous belief.

If the difference between passively experiencing Creator Mode emotions and actively generating them seems a long way off, take a good look at what comes easily to you.  Identify what you have in abundance.  Consider such things as your talents, your skills, your intelligence, your family, your friends, your well-being, your home, your job.  Make an inventory of your blessings.

Perhaps you’re more in the habit of focusing on what’s not going well, on the things you want to fix, or improve, or heal, or transcend.  For this exercise, set those things aside and concentrate on what’s good.

Now review the emotions you feel when you think about what’s good.  What do you feel when you interact with people you love?  What do you feel when you participate in something you enjoy?  These are the emotions of Creator Mode, and you can transfer the energy of these emotions to any other area of your life.

If you would like personal guidance in mastering any of the Modes of Power, please contract me through my website:  kathyjacobson.com.  My website describes my approach to coaching, and also provides a way to buy my books:  Choosing Happiness and The Miracle Factor.

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The Power of Choice

Sunday, October 30th, 2011

Once, while exploring Observer mode with a client this week, I commented on the ways choices multiply as you become neutral.  With a laugh, she said, “But I already have too many choices.  That’s part of my problem.”  (link to Diamond of Power)

This week I’ll explore further the relationship between power and choice.  This relationship can be summed up with a single question: Who has the power and who has the choice?”

The Who in this question is important.  Even though we’re discussing personal power –  the power you have inside of you to be, to do, and to have – your power responds to and interacts with the power of others.  The category others includes every person you meet or deal with.  It also includes such inanimate aspects of your life as work, money, time, space, energy, sleep, tools, equipment, ideas, beliefs, etc.  Your relationship with others always has an emotional component, so when we discuss emotions and power, we’re also discussing relationships.

Let’s look at relationships, choices and power as they correlate to the modes we’ve explored so far.

Victim

In Victim Mode the other is always a “persecutor”, and that persecutor is perceived to have all the power – and therefore all the choices.  If the victim sees any options, the choice is limited to Fight, flight or freeze? Mostly, victims simply act as the situation demands.

Imagine for a minute you’re the one operating in Victim Mode.  The emotion engulfing you is fear.  You’re seriously in fear of your life, as if a snarling man-eating tiger were stalking you.  You can’t win in a fight.  You can’t outrun the danger.  So you freeze.  You try to become invisible.  With survival at stake, you will appease if possible, submit if necessary.

Or what if the emotion raging inside you is anger?  Fierce, unrelenting, body-shaking anger.  You’re not going to run away.  You’re not going to play dead.  No, by god, you’re going to fight, and you’re going to win.

Or what if you’re struck by revulsion strong enough to turn your stomach?  No hanging around here.  Run like hell.

For most people, most life situations are never that extreme.  Most of us do, however, experience instances or events when some emotion from Victim Mode overwhelms us.  I remember getting into an altercation with my brother when I was perhaps 20 years old.  I was engaged to be married and my soon-to-be husband had a front row seat for our little sibling drama.  I can’t remember the argument itself.  I do recall my brother pushed me away from the TV to change the channel (this was long before remote control), and I was so furious I kicked him in the back.

I’m sure I’ve had other moments of such rage in my life; this one sticks with me because we had such a special audience.  What amazes me, looking back, is the degree to which I was the victim of my anger.  I let anger take over, and in that black rage I acted purely on instinct.  I didn’t think.  I acted impulsively, lashing out with the handiest weapon, which happened to be my foot.  After I kicked my brother, my fiancé calmed me down and described to me that I could have ruptured my brother’s kidney.

In Victim Mode, the true “persecutors” are the emotions.  We become powerless in their thrall.  Our perception of what’s possible becomes so narrow we stop thinking, we can only react.  The emotion itself makes the choice for us:  fight, flight, freeze.

You can spot Victim Mode by the following clues:

  1. You’re engaged in a battle that consumes most of your thoughts and energies.
  2. There’s something you avoid at all costs.
  3. You are immobilized.

It’s possible to be in Victim Mode in one or two areas of your life and function quite effectively otherwise, but Victim emotions tend to be so strong and drain off so much of your energy and attention they impede everything else.

Also, it’s important to recognize that while in Victim Mode you cannot be the Observer of your own behavior.  You can observe it later, but when besieged by such emotions you do not have access to your power of neutrality.

Interpreter

When you move into Interpreter Mode the role of other is no longer filled by a “persecutor.”  Rather, challengers, adversaries, opponents, enemies, competitors, antagonists, etc. fill the role.   In Interpreter Mode, the emotion itself no longer owns all the power.  Rather, power shifts to the shoulders of the players, and the strongest player has the most power.

Of course, who’s strongest depends on who’s measuring, and an interpreter tends to grant the power of the measuring stick to someone else, either directly or indirectly.

For instance, if you need someone to acknowledge, validate or approve of you, you hand them the measuring stick.  In order to gain their approval, you must meet their standard.

If you aspire to something that seems attainable but elusive, such as wealth, success, beauty, holiness, style, happiness, etc., chances are you’ve adopted someone else’s measuring stick.  (The measuring stick can belong to some group of people.)

If you feel perpetually on the brink of disaster, you have avoided grasping hold of the measuring stick of your own security.  You assume that something others finds harmful must also be dangerous for you.

One of the consequences of measuring is a preoccupation with blame and responsibility.  You become so concerned with what they did or what they should do that you neglect your own part.  You want someone else to atone, to make it better, to pay damages, to level the playing field, to apologize, to come clean, to grovel.  Until the other acts in one of these restorative ways, you are justified in feeling resentment, anxiety, loss, deprived, miserable, unhappy.

At 21, I embarked quite naively on the adventure of marriage – and the marital tiffs began almost immediately.  I experienced bewilderment, frustration, misgiving, guilt, and probably a dozen other interpreter emotions.  My husband and I were at each other constantly.  If the house was a mess, I’d get defensive at the slightest indication of criticism.  If we couldn’t afford something, one word from me would send him into a spin.  Neither of us knew how to own our emotions.  We both wanted the other person to make things better.  “If he would only _______, I’d be happy.”   “If she would only ______, things would run so much more smoothly.”

About ten years into the marriage, I claimed my own happiness.  Again, the details elude me, but I recall sitting alone in the living room, struggling with whatever was specifically wrong at the time.  I said to myself, “No more.  I’m not going to let his negativity stand in the way of my happiness.”  That declaration didn’t improve the marriage – and I still operated from Interpreter Mode a good share of the time – but by that choice I  accessed more of my personal power.

You can spot Interpreter Mode by the following clues.

  • You feel others (people and situations) have more power than you do.
  • You want others to make things better.
  • Something (the situation, other people, yourself) doesn’t measure up.

The first step into claiming your power and claiming your choices is to become the Observer of your emotions.  (Link to March 8, 2009)

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Observer Power

Sunday, October 16th, 2011

Like cars in amusement parks, our direction is often determined through -collisions.” –Yahia Lababidi

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote of my shift away from the assumption we all create our own realities.  Sometimes it’s easy to see a correlation between intention and result; far more often the relationship seems strained or non-existent.  The more I struggled with cause-and-effect at this level, the more I came to believe accidents do happen.

However, while I see no evidence everyone creates their own realities in every situation, I still believe we can create the lives we want.  I believe we do influence our results far more than we realize.  I came to frame this as living On Purpose rather than living By Accident.

The more we choose to live On Purpose, the more we avoid living By Accident.  Today, I’ll focus on becoming the Observer as a first step toward living more fully on purpose.

By Accident or On Purpose

Living By Accident seems to be the general result of operating from Interpreter Mode.   Once I accepted that emotions have power, I had to question the various ways the different emotions exert their power.  Some emotions attract, some create, some reinforce, some block, some prohibit, and some contribute.  The more we understand the power of emotions, the greater our ability to wield that power purposefully.

When we’re in Interpreter Mode, however, we tend to let our emotions take charge.  We may defer to them, succumb to them, or let them rule us.  If we try to fight our emotions, we wage war against ourselves.  Whether we submit to them or defy them, they influence our lives and our choices.

During my training to become a coach, we were given the assignment to develop our own coaching model.  I had been gestating my philosophy of cause-and-effect for many years, so I played around with ways to express it.  I came up with a three step process:

  1. Choose what you want (set an intention)
  2. Align your thoughts, actions and emotions with each other and with your intention
  3. Receive the miracle

The Model in Action

As I’ve used this model in my work with clients, sometimes the process is clear, straight-forward and effective:  Choice + Unification = Miracle.  Occasionally, a client struggles with making a choice; more often the real work comes in unifying thoughts, actions and emotions.  Wherever the struggle arises, the very presence of struggle indicates Interpreter Mode.  So we work together to acknowledge the emotions generated by the struggle and then we probe for the judgment that triggers the emotion.  Then we look to Observer Mode and find an emotion from that level to release the judgment.  As soon as someone moves from Interpreter to Observer, the struggle evaporates.

The same process will work for you:

  1. Become mindful of the struggle.
  2. Acknowledge your emotions.
  3. Probe for the judgment embedded in what you feel.
  4. Use an emotion from Observer Mode to release the judgment.

Stepping into Observer Mode

There is one small snag that can throw this process into chaos – beware the tendency to judge yourself for judging.  Especially be mindful of judging your own emotions.  If you criticize something you feel, what you feel doesn’t go away, it just goes into hiding.

Unfortunately, self-judgment is almost inevitable.  Parents, ministers, teachers, counselors, and others with influence ( including friends and enemies) join together in teaching us the difference between what’s good and what’s bad.  Most of us equate positive emotions with “good” and negative emotions with “bad”.  We don’t want to be bad, we don’t want other people to think we’re bad, so we try not to let “bad” emotions show.

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I know I shouldn’t feel that way.”?  The fact is, you do feel that way.  The emotions at Interpreter level are human nature.  You’re human.  Naturally you feel that way.  You experience hunger, frustration, sorrow, bitterness, certainty, worry, exasperation, etc. etc. etc.  And if you’re not willing to become mindful of those feelings, acknowledge them, and understand them, they become buried alive inside your heart, your mind and your body.  They exert their influence, silently but effectively, affecting your health, your relationships, your productivity and your results.  It’s not a matter of should or shouldn’t. It’s a matter of cause-and-effect.

You can, however, choose something else anytime you want.  That’s the power of choice.  When you’re in the middle of a struggle, when you’re operating from Interpreter Mode, the easiest way to choose something else is to become neutral about what is.

Being able to Observe what is and relax judgment creates the strongest foundation for any purposeful choice.  (Not just your choice of emotions.)  If you want more money, become neutral about your current income level.  If you want better health, become neutral about your infirmities.  If you want a relationship, become neutral about your loneliness.

Neutrality has power

When I first started exploring the power of neutrality, I used the word acceptance. I would say, “Accept what is.”  And almost always, I’d get an argument.  Most people think to accept meant to accommodate, to acquiesce, to abide, to tolerate.  Most people think it means resigning one’s self, giving in, perhaps giving up.  Whatever is wrong becomes the enemy, and the way to deal with an enemy is to fight, rebel, battle against, dispute.  No acceptance, no negotiation, no quarter.  No one wants to be a quitter or a loser.

Of course not.  You want to conquer, overcome, win, succeed.  Unfortunately, fighting keeps the war going.  Rebellion incites the enemy.   Disputation opens the way for more arguments.  Resistance increases tension, and struggle increases agitation.  I began to see every conflicted situation as a great big mire of quicksand.  Although I have never personally experienced quicksand, I know the folklore.  The more you struggle, the more you sink; to get free, stop struggling and let your body float to the top.  Once you’re floating on top, it takes very little effort to propel yourself to solid ground.

All emotions at interpreter level indicate a struggle against something, and the more you struggle, the more you resist what is, the more the quicksand pulls you in.  To rise to the surface of the quicksand, stop struggling.  Become the Observer.  Let go of whatever you’re struggling with, and it will let go of you.  When you find yourself on solid ground, it feels miraculous.

Open the Door to Possibilities

You can look around and see what’s possible.  You have more time.  You have more energy.   You have access to more resources.  You can recruit allies.  You have options.

Perhaps, when you are struggling in quicksand, you can imagine something else, but the struggle monopolizes you.   The struggle, far more than the situation, holds you captive.  In Observer Mode, you can see possibilities, opportunities, prospects, ways and means.  You can take fresh stock of your resources.  Gratitude becomes your mantle.  Ease replaces effort.

Entering observer mode is like getting out of debt.  No more hidden fees, no more monthly payments, no more collection notices.  Every emotion in Interpreter Mode exacts a toll.  Emotions in Observer Mode cost nothing – and more than that, they bestow blessings.

Costs and Benefits

One of the costs of Interpreter Mode is the interference these emotions interject into your choices.  Whenever you are mired in Interpreter Mode, your view of possibilities will be severely restricted.  How can you see what’s possible when you’re so busy trying not to sink you can’t wipe the mud out of your eyes?  When you view is this obstructed, you cannot be true to yourself.  Observer Mode is like washing the windows or taking off the blinders.  Suddenly you can see more clearly and more truly.  Observer Mode lets your heart speak clearly, lets your mind think clearly, and lets you direct your actions more surely.

One of the blessings of observer Mode is the freedom from struggle.  Find self-acceptance and you relax self-doubt.  Find amusement and you relax impatience.  Relax dread and you find excitement.  Find tolerance and you relax disappointment.  Find hope and you relax melancholy.  Observer Mode blesses you with ease.

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The Gateway to Personal Power

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011

This week, I’ll focus entirely on the Interpreter Mode of personal power for the following reasons.

  1. Interpreter is probably the most common mode in human nature.
  2. I believe Victim and Interpreter emotions are the source of all human ills.
  3. Moving out of Interpreter Mode moves you out of the struggle.
  4. When you operate from Observer mode, everything becomes easier.

If some aspect of your life is difficult or unsatisfying, very likely you are approaching the situation or condition from Interpreter Mode.  You resist it, you struggle with it, and you are imposing a judgment on the situation, on other people, or yourself.  When you withdraw judgment, the struggle eases; when you stop resisting, the problem abates.

I’d like to share a little detail I didn’t include in the story of my bicycle accident a couple of weeks ago:  I experienced almost no pain.

My memory of the first days after the accident is hazy, and I seem to recall some soreness where the crossbar smacked into my thigh.  But the road burns on my face didn’t hurt.  I experienced no headaches as a result of the concussion.  My wrenched jaw didn’t hurt.  I hardly noticed the broken teeth.  I felt no after-effects from the surgery to repair my eye socket.  Of my own accord, I took no pain medications of any kind.  (I don’t know what they gave me in the hospital.)

I found this very curious, but then I found the whole thing quite fascinating.  I was more intrigued than dismayed with the assortment of injuries, with the concussion’s effects on my memory, balance and stamina, with having double vision, and by the rates at which different injuries healed.  But why so little pain?  The more I considered that question, the more it puzzled me.  About six years after the accident, I found a probable answer while preparing material for a seminar on happiness.

Observer Power

I did not judge the accident or my injuries.  I didn’t resist.  I didn’t struggle.  I experienced curiosity, relief (that it wasn’t worse), serenity and trust.  I trusted I would heal eventually, and I was willing to let the healing happen at its own pace.  I focused on how I could make the best of the state I was in, and I went patiently on with my life.  Later, as I began to work with my new model of personal power, I began to see I stayed in the modes of Observer and Partner.

My ability to avoid Interpreter Mode didn’t come automatically, or even naturally.  For most of my life I was very adept at such energies as annoyance, irritation, frustration, embarrassment, envy, guilt, hostility, misgiving, defensiveness and pride.  When I finally started to recognize the fruit I harvested by nurturing such a crop, I began to select different seeds.  I didn’t set an intention to have a “painless recovery from a traumatic accident”; I just wanted a happy, peaceful life.

After years of practice, the connections seem clear to me:  judgment equals pain; acceptance equals no pain.  All emotions and states of mind from Victim or Interpreter Mode generate adversity of some kind.

An Uneven Balance

Back when I taught novel writing, I began compiling a list of emotions as a “cheat-sheet” for writers.  Later, I sorted that list into the various modes and came up with my current Emotions List.  So far that list includes at least twice as many Interpreter emotions than any other mode, and 4½ times more than for Creator.  As I mentioned previously, the fight/flight/freeze mechanism characterizes all Victim emotions.  All Interpreter emotions share the element of judgment.  Observer emotions are neutral.  Cooperation marks partner emotions, and oneness is the hallmark of creator.

To access your personal power at the Observer level, you must be willing to leave judgment behind.  When you choose neutrality over judgment, most (if not all) the trials, tribulations and adversities of your life will ease up.

Living Life Now

This does not mean “bad” things will never again happen to you in your whole life.  I’m assuming you have no desire to retreat to a hermit’s cave and seek enlightenment through isolation.  I’m assuming you want to live, love, aspire, experiment, experience, and grow.  I’m assuming you will create new challenges for yourself – and if you don’t, life will no doubt supply you with some.  By thus engaging with your life, you will continue to gain self-knowledge, you will sometimes stumble and sometimes transcend, you will occasionally discover hidden pockets of judgment.  When you stop operating from Interpreter Mode, you will find more blessing than hardship in the events of your life.  Everything in your life will flow more easily.

The Gateway to Personal Power

So, let’s look at ways to become the Observer.  We’ll start by observing what happens in Interpreter Mode.

An event occurs and your brain responds with an emotion.  You experience this emotion somewhere in your body:  your gut, your throat, your heart, your lower back . . . somewhere.

You now have 17 seconds in which to respond to the emotion.  You can internalize it in some way – ignore it, act on it, think about it, bury it, etc.  Or you can dismiss it.  I encourage you to use those 17 seconds to acknowledge it, to become mindful of it.  Notice it and name it.  An emotion you ignore looks exactly like one you dismiss in that they both leave your consciousness.  However, an ignored emotion tends to take up residence in your body and busily generates its result.  (For instance, resentment results in neediness.)   An emotion you acknowledge and dismiss simply goes away.  This level of mindfulness is the very essential first step in accessing the power of your emotions.

However, if you don’t manage to dismiss it, here are two ways to deal with it:

You can deal with the emotion directly.  You’ve named it, now own it.  Say to yourself, “I’m choosing to feel _______.”  When you consciously take responsibility for the emotion, your subconscious mind recognizes your power to choose something else.  You will probably find yourself accepting this power to choose and instinctively choose to feel something else instead.

You can listen to it.  Pay attention to the story the emotion gathers to itself.  In and of themselves, stories help us make sense of a situation, make sense of the emotions we feel and look for options.  Unfortunately, in Interpreter mode the story always contains an element of judgment.

  • The story may be as simple as “That’s bad.” or “That’s good.”  “It’s her fault.” or “It’s all my fault.”
  • The story may assign motives – and the motives assigned will contain judgment:  “He’s stupid.” Or weak, or unconscionable, or a coward, or immoral, or wrong.
  • The story may rationalize behaviors:  “I just took the facts into account.” or “Given the circumstances. . . ” or “I couldn’t just stand there.” or “I wasn’t about to get involved.”
  • The story may deny options:  “I didn’t see.” or “I have to protect myself.” or “She made me.” or “I had no choice.”

Once you can see the judgment in the story, use an emotion from observer mode to retell the story without judgment.  For instance, respect will remove the scale of good/bad, right/wrong; compassion will reassign motives; humility will discourage rationalization; and courage will illuminate options.

You may find yourself in resistance to the emotion.  Perhaps you feel beset by anxiety, loneliness, embarrassment, ambition, doubt, envy, or some other interpreter emotion.  The presence and power of the emotion overwhelm you, and you want to be free.  Keep in mind that by judging it, you hold onto it as firmly as it holds on to you.

Open yourself up to it.  Say to the emotion, “Show me everything you’ve got!”  When you approach the emotion itself from the Observer mode, with curiosity, tolerance, courage, patience or courage, the balance of power shifts from the emotion to you.  As the emotion loses its power and you access more of yours, you discover it to be ephemeral – nothing but air.

Identify an antidote.  While every emotion in Interpreter mode produces an unfavorable result, each one also has an antidote.  I first encountered the concept of emotional antidotes while reading the transcripts of a symposium the Dalai Lama held on destructive emotions. The lama who discussed the idea said an antidote is specific to the emotion.  Not having access to his list, I’ve worked with clients by asking them to imagine which emotion would be the logical antidote to their situation.  We then work with whatever they come up with, and that seems to produce the results we want.  Consider the following examples, then choose your own antidote for your own Interpreter emotion:

Emotion =   Antidote

Doubt   =   Optimism

Frustration  =   Patience

Anxiety   =   Calm

Irritation    =   Niceness

Pride   =   Humor

We all operate across a spectrum of emotions.  Sometimes, in some situations, we’re caught by Victim or Interpreter emotions.  Other times we operate from Observer mode.  On occasion we soar into the realms of Partner or Creator.  When you can see yourself functioning mostly as Observer with shorter and more infrequent dips into Interpreter, you will also notice your fluctuations are elevated.  Sure there will be occasional slips, but as Observer becomes your natural state, Partner emotions will beckon more frequently.

It’s all a journey.  Where you are is where you are.  The choices you can see are your choices.  And your interpretation is your reality – until you choose a different path.

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The Power of Emotions

Sunday, September 25th, 2011

I ended last week’s blog with the statement:  “How is not about action, but about emotion, and therefore the how is as much up to us as the what.  First we have to choose what we want, then we must choose the emotions that will facilitate it.”  This week, I’m going to share my thinking about the relationship between emotion and personal power.

The more I work with clients, the more I see the best results come when I can help them focus on accessing their personal power.  Situations come and go; skills, tools and understanding go on forever.  Knowledge is transferable.  Wisdom and power are the keys of creation.  So I keep thinking about the relationship between wisdom and personal power, and I find emotion central to both.

Perhaps you’ve had the experience of being in the presence of someone whose emotions are running high.  The person might be excited, angry, happy, depressed or in love, and radiating the energy of that emotion until it fills the room.  Such strong emotions are often described in energy terms:  light or dark, hot or cold, fast or slow.

Perhaps you’ve been observant about your own emotions, and recognize the energy associated with them.  When you’re happy or loving, you might feel that as light, or warm or fast.  When you’re angry or sad, you might feel that as dark, or cold or slow.

Clearly emotions are energy.  Does this mean emotions are also power?

Emotions of Power

A couple of years ago, a model for different modes of personal power began to take shape in my mind. I’ve been using this model with clients ever since, and I’m finding it an incredibly useful tool.  I call it the Modes of Mastery Diamond, with five levels of personal mastery identified as Victim, Interpreter, Observer, Partner, and Creator.

The lowest mode is Victim, and the emotions of this mode include (but are not limited to) hate, envy, anger, grief and despair.  Someone beset by such strong emotions feels and reacts like a victim.

The strong, intense emotions of this mode tend to overpower the person experiencing them.  The defining characteristic of this range of emotions is powerlessness.  It’s important to note that an individual operating in this mode becomes victim to the emotions as much as to any physical threat.  In effect, the emotions own all the power.  Choice is limited to self-protection:  to fight, to run, or to freeze.

This extremely narrow range of possibilities is what puts Victim at the bottom point of the diamond.  If we were to quantify personal power (which we can’t), we might assign a 1 to Victim power, meaning not much.

Breaking Free of Victim

I see the next mode as the Interpreter Mode because the emotions of this level compel us to make up our stories.  The emotions of this mode include frustration, impatience, apprehension, embarrassment, desire and insecurity.  In this mode we want to know who, what, when, where, why and how.  We assign blame and we take credit.  We rationalize, accuse, explain, judge, and defend.  In Interpreter Mode we want to fix or destroy, reward or punish.  We assign winners and losers.

The defining characteristic of this mode is judgment, and struggle and resistance always accompany judgment.

Whether you are judging yourself, someone else, your situation, or your past choices, when you look at something as bad or good, you are operating in Interpreter Mode.  When whatever you’re dealing with seems hard, takes a great deal of energy, or seems like a battle, you’re operating in Interpreter Mode.

On the up-side, Interpreter Mode is perhaps 100 times more powerful than Victim Mode.  When beset by an Interpreter emotion, the emotion may still have a stronger grip on you than you have on it, but you start looking for options.  You may not like any of the options you see, you may feel it’s a choice between two evils, but you look for alternatives, solutions, and answers.  In this mode you will see more difficulty that possibility, but you can envision, aspire, set a goal.  If a Victim has the power of 1, an Interpreter has the power of 100.

On the down-side, it’s from the Interpreter Mode that we wage wars, seek revenge, hold grudges, demand restitution, want respect, get defensive, etc. etc. etc.

Stepping into Power

When we’re able to stop judging, we take a giant step up in personal power and become the Observer.

In Observer Mode we experience a significant power shift.  We stop letting the emotions drive us.  Emotions in this mode include awareness, flexibility, amusement, curiosity, gentleness, and hope.  In this mode, we leave the judge’s bench and take a seat in the witness chair.  In this mode we’re more likely to say, “That’s interesting,” than “That’s terrible.  We’re more likely to say, “It is what it is,” than “If only _____ would change.”  We let go of our stories.

The primary characteristic of the Observer is neutrality.  There is no good or bad, no winning or losing, no assigning blame, no taking credit, no struggle and no resistance.

The Diamond is wider in Observer Mode than any other because in this mode we see winning as well as losing, success as well as failure, plenty as well as lack, love as well as loneliness.  This huge expansion in possibilities and taking ownership of our emotions is what gives the Observer 100 times more power than the Interpreter.  On our totally arbitrary and unscientific scale, Observer has a power rating of 10,000.

The strongest technique I know for moving from Interpreter to Observer is to become mindful of your emotions.  Notice them.  Name them.  Acknowledge them.  Practice saying, “Ah, I’m choosing to feel frustrated (or angry, or impatient, or sorry for myself, or smug).”  By the very act of observing what you are experiencing – and not judging yourself for feeling it – you step into Observer Mode.

Choosing

I call the next mode Partner because in this mode we move from witness to participant.  We don’t just step into the game, we help write the rules.

The primary characteristic of this mode is cooperation, and includes such emotions as authenticity, cheerfulness, gratitude, affection and fun.  We left re-activity behind in Interpreter Mode, now we become pro-active.  We willingly take the first step, go the second mile, find the point of agreement, negotiate the win-win.  We welcome the cooperation of our tools and equipment, our associates, our adversaries, strangers, other drivers, our bodies, talents, and the universe.

The Diamond narrows in Partner Mode because we have sufficient inner strength to jettison the possibilities we don’t want.  We can discard failure and keep success, we can throw out lack and choose plenty, we can open the door to companionship and shut out loneliness.  We thrust aside what we don’t want in favor of what we do want.  By our choices, we narrow the vast range of possibilities we could see in observer mode into probabilities.  We begin to see that anything we want wants us.  We know choosing is both our opportunity and our responsibility.  We choose willingness over willfulness.

And as we continue our exponential assent into our own personal power, the Partner Mode is 100 times more powerful than the Observer Mode, which equals 1,000,000.  (Remember, these numbers are symbolic, intended to help us get a feel for the rate of expansion in power.)

Creating

I see the final and highest mode of personal power as the Creator, and the key characteristic of being a Creator is harmony.  Emotions of this mode include love, joy, peace, delight and awe.  When fully operating through the emotions of this mode, anything you choose must happen.  You are in a state of oneness with yourself, with other people, with the energies of the universe.  You are attuned to best good and you manifest best good.  By your choices, and through your emotions, you narrow probabilities into inevitabilities.

Again, accessing personal power at multiples of 100, the power mode of Creator is 100,000,000.  A bit mind-boggling, isn’t it?

Most of us move from one mode to another depending on the situation, our confidence in that situation, our wellness at the time, what else is going on it our lives, the strength of our beliefs associated with the situation, any other beliefs that may be in play, and a host of other criteria.  Things happen.  We react, or judge, or respond, or stay neutral, or choose something else.  Sometimes we actually create the outcome we want.  The power of the Creator is within each of us.  As sentient human beings, living in a place and at a time in history when choice has become our mantle, we have the opportunity to access all the power within us.

We process.  We struggle.  We try.  We practice.  We falter.  We feel.  We learn.  We grow.  And, of course, that’s what life is all about.

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The “Secret” of Personal Power

Sunday, September 18th, 2011

Several years ago, a book (and DVD) called The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne, became all the rage in New Thought circles and quickly spread across the country and throughout the world.

When I watched the DVD, I was struck by several things:  First, what it had to say wasn’t secret.  The great thinkers from every religious and philosophical tradition throughout the world have known it – and taught it.  Second, it focused too much on financial rewards.  (But as my wise friend Claire maintains, money is one of the easiest things to manifest, so we can learn a lot by starting there.)  Third, it skimmed too lightly across the essential aspects of emotion, gratitude and service.

My own thinking started turning in this direction in the mid-eighties.  I participated in a motivation/success program that focused on goal setting, and while much of it made sense to me, something was missing.  Eventually, I began to see personal creation is not just about willpower; the emotions play an extremely essential role.  What we decide with our heads has no power at all without the emotional support of what we believe in our hearts.  I can practice piano with the same diligence as a concert pianist, but as long as I believe I have no talent, I will remain a mere technician at the keyboard.  (I don’t know what would be possible if I believed I had talent.  I’m pretty sure I’d get a different result.)

Obedience to Law

Early on, I decided if we (as human beings) have the power to manifest or create what we want, that power has to obey natural laws.  We may not yet know the law (after all, gravity behaved the same way before Newton wrote his law as afterward, and relativity was relativity before Einstein put it into words.)  The universe works because natural laws conform to some kind of order.

After several years of certainty that we each create our own realities, I started seeing evidence that maybe we don’t.  Bad things happen to good people: babies are born with birth defects and get cancer; accidents and suicide bombers target the innocent and guilty alike; genocide and earthquakes kill thousands.

About 8 years ago, I had a pretty bad bike accident, broke my face, spent a night in ICU with a concussion, and still bear some of the scars.  I couldn’t see any way I was “attracting” such a personal disaster; and besides, I truly believed I was invulnerable.  (Isn’t belief 90% of creation?)  Then 9/11 happened.  I knew 3000 people didn’t have a death wish – and the many thousands of their families and friends did not all have some subconscious wish for pain and grief.

Affirmations

And what about the times when affirmations worked for me and when they didn’t?  For instance, at one time during my career as a romance novelist, I decided to put what I knew about manifestation to work.  Using the cover off a real book, I pasted the name of my book over the real title and my name over the real author’s name.  I tacked this visual representation of what I wanted above my computer.  I decided a reasonable time by which my book would be picked up by an editor.  I focused my attention on this outcome.  Months before that date arrived, my manuscript was rejected.  (So I gave up writing for life – for the fifth or sixth time.)

A couple of manuscripts later, for several months, I worked with the affirmation, “Every day in every way, the value of my work grows in the minds of others.”  On New Year’s eve, an editor called offering a contract on my book – when we all knew the publishing industry pretty much shuts down between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.

So why did this effort at affirmation “work” when the previous one had not?  Was it pure coincidence, or did I somehow influence the result?

If that had been my only experience with manifestation, I’d probably attribute it to coincidence, but I’ve had dozens of such experiences – and so have my clients.  After years of observation and of processing and reprocessing, I’ve identified a significant  pattern.

The Power of Emotion

I believe the difference between my first unsuccessful attempt at “creating” the sale of  a manuscript and my second successful effort was my emotional state.

The first time, my heart wasn’t in it.  My head did all the right things: setting the goal, visualizing, affirming, focusing, willing it into existence.  But it was only an intellectual effort. I certainly wanted it, but my motives were money and validation.  Maybe I cared about that particular story, but probably not, since I can barely remember it.  Mostly I had been writing for years and wanted something to show for it.  I wanted to prove I could do it, to contribute to the family coffers, to get rich. Perhaps I even wanted to prove to myself the mind has power over matter.

At this point, it’s important to note that I never much liked romance novels, and I didn’t really believe in romance.

The second time, I left all those mind motivations behind.  I became much more interested in being true to myself, in being in tune with my talents and abilities.  I wanted to use those talents and abilities the best way I could, and I didn’t care whether it was through writing a novel or some other means.  I had become willing rather than willful.

When I look back at my bike accident, and the choices I was making at the time, I see a similar thread running through that event.  About three years earlier, I had finally, truly, given up writing – at least writing romance novels.  Not having a plan for what to do instead, I went back to school and earned a B.A in anthropology.  After graduation, still not having a plan for what to do next, I moved in with my parents to help care for my ailing father.  An opportunity for work came my way, and I took it – not as a life work, but as a good way to make a living and a good way to postpone choosing what I would do next.  The closest I can come to my contribution to that accident is that I wasn’t on purpose.  I began to speculate that if one isn’t living on purpose, one is living by accident.

Perhaps most of us live by accident most of the time.  Perhaps the key to “The Secret” is to start choosing.  And perhaps the key to choosing is to choose something that is true for us.  When I decided to become a writer, that was true for me. When I decided to become a writer of romance novels, that was not true for me.  When I (finally) decided not to write romance novels any more, that was true for me.  When I stopped writing entirely, that was not true for me.

Many of you have heard me say, “What is up to us.  How is up to the  universe.”  The more I’ve worked with this and observed it, the more I believe it’s true.  Most of us jump directly into the how at the first indication of a problem, but when we jump into the how before we know the what, we end up with the wrong what.  We put our efforts into fixing symptoms instead of problems, we focus on the vehicle rather than the goal.  I am coming to see that how is not about action, but about emotion, and therefore the how is as much up to us as the what.  First we must choose what we want, then we must choose the emotions that will facilitate it.  °

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