Posts Tagged ‘emotional mastery’

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The Power of “What if . . .”

Sunday, January 15th, 2012

Since I started to see emotion as the key to personal power and to identify the characteristics of different kinds of emotions, I’ve been paying more attention to my own judgment patterns.  In some areas of my life, based on the results I enjoy, I seem to have attained a place of pretty secure neutrality.  Based on the results in other areas of my life, however, I’m clearly still in the struggle.

When I look at the difference in my results, I can see that if I try to use Partner or Creator emotions without first becoming neutral, my efforts are handicapped by my interpretations, by the stories I’ve come up with to explain, to rationalize, to accommodate, or to place blame.  And the strongest way to eliminate judgment is to become the Observer, to employ neutral emotions.

From my own experience it seems the path to personal power is one step at a time.  You can’t simply leap from Victim mode to Partner mode.  If you’re stuck in the mud you have no traction.  You have to achieve the leverage of solid ground, and that’s what Observer mode provides.

An area of challenge for me has been my purpose.  About fifteen years ago, I got a sense of purpose far bigger than I could identify with.  I didn’t deny it exactly, but for at least ten years I wrestled with it, struggled with how, side-stepped it, and tried to make it small enough to reconcile.  Choosing to become a life coach was my first straight-forward, head-on move in the direction of that purpose, but I still couldn’t quite put it into words.  Eventually I came to peace with it as, “I teach wisdom and personal power.”  I stopped fighting it, stopped struggling with it, acknowledged it, and stopped judging myself as insufficient to the task.  After that things got easier.  My coaching practice blossomed, and the quality of my coaching improved.

But something was still missing.  Since coming up with the Diamond Of Mastery and using it as a coaching tool, I’ve realized how much I’ve been in Interpreter mode.  I still doubted my abilities, doubted I was the right person for the job, doubted I knew enough.  Yet I kept trying to leap straight from the mire to the mountain top.  So I started practicing acceptance, willingness, wonder, and courage.  As a result, when I sit down to write, the ideas come much more easily and the words flow.

And this personal understanding of the importance of starting from where I am has given me new understanding of where my clients are and how to help them start from where they are.

How do you measure?

Recently I was working with a long-time client from where she is, which is locked into a belief of good and bad.  She has a long list of criteria for being a good person, and if she can’t live up to that list (no one could) she’s a bad person.

I asked her what it would feel like if there was no such thing as bad or good.  She said it would feel good, easier, but she kept arguing in favor of the measuring stick.

Of course, we’re all in the habit of measuring, evaluating, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best choice.  However, we don’t make decisions based on logic; we make decisions using emotion.  (Individuals who have lost the emotion centers of the brain through accident or surgery can’t make decisions.  All options have the same weight to them.)  No matter how much data we collect or how we assess the data we collect, in the end we finally decide based on how we feel.  Therefore, the measuring stick we use to evaluate bad or good will always be subjective – subject to our beliefs, values, stories, interpretations and judgments.  And this is true whether we’re trying to buy a new car, considering whom to marry, deciding what we want to be when we grow up, or evaluating our own self-worth.

Unfortunately, if you’re in victim mode, the emotions you’re subject to are marked by helplessness and produce pain and suffering.  If you’re in interpreter mode you’re subject to emotions that produce struggle.  To create a different result for yourself, choose different emotions as your subjective base for making decisions – about yourself, about your life, about other people, about your relationships with all things.

Imagine what it would be like if there was no such thing as bad or good?  What if you could accept the world simply as it is and other people simply as they are?  What if you could not only accept yourself as you are, but also accept that you have power greater than you know?  What if you could look at yourself and what you want and say, “I am a writer.”  “Í am a smashing success.”  “I am the country’s top cartoonist.”  “I am a healer.”  “I am a perfect human being.”  “I am in partnership with the infinite.”  “I am a creator.”

What if you could acknowledge the truth residing somewhere inside you that recognizes your personal power, even if that required you to acknowledge you’re afraid of it, intimidated by it, don’t know what it means, and maybe don’t have a clue where to start.

Because my client likes to know what’s ahead, because she likes to plan and be sure, she kept asking, “But what would not knowing look like?”  I can’t answer that question.  I don’t know what’s ahead for myself, much less for anyone else.  But all the emotions of Observer mode have that aspect of not-knowing.

Transcend Measurement

Curiosity and wonder are among the most potent emotions when asking What if. . .

  • What if you valued curiosity over certainty?
  • What if you liked surprises?
  • What if wondering what else might be possible was fun?
  • What if being comfortable with the unknown took the pressure off?
  • What if some troublesome reality wasn’t a given?

More possibilities exist than you could ever know, or even imagine.  When you’re in Observer mode, you trust that expanse of possibilities.  You’re willing to say, “No, I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.

Some of the aspects of life people commonly approach with strong Interpreter tendencies include:

Self-Perception

What if you could look at yourself with curiosity and wonder:

  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I deserved to be successful (or rich, or happy, or whole).”
  • “What if I could love myself unconditionally?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I could sing (dance, build, heal, laugh, fly).”

Habits and Beliefs

What if you could look at your long-time habits and beliefs with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I believed I didn’t have to work my guts out?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if my emotional connection to this unwanted habit or that detrimental belief just evaporated.”
  • “If I could replace this habit with anything in the universe, I wonder what I’d choose?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I let go of my frustration about ____.”
  • “What if life was easy instead of hard?”

Life Choices

What if you could look at your life choices with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I actually have the ability, skills and personal power to follow my dream?”
  • “What if I wasn’t afraid?”
  • “What if I truly knew I’ll be just fine?”
  • “What if I was okay with not being able to see around the next corner?”

The fact is, we can never know for sure the impact of our choices on others or on the future.  We can never know what’s ahead.  We can’t even know if we’ll be here tomorrow, let alone what tomorrow will bring.  Becoming comfortable with not-knowing can be challenging but it doesn’t have to be distressing or scary.

A few months ago, one of my students wanted a visualization she could use to become calmer about the future.  Perhaps you’re familiar with the one I suggested:  While driving at night, you can only see as far ahead as your headlights illuminate.  They only go so far, but they always illuminate the same distance ahead.  My student immediately took the metaphor ever further.  She said, “And if I stop moving, I’ll never discover what’s beyond that limited light beam.  Moving into what’s possible requires that I give the car some gas.”

Accelerate

You may find that with curiosity and wonder you also experience anticipation and hope.

It’s very easy with either anticipation or hope to start getting specific.  If you anticipate a specific outcome or hope for a certain result, you begin to narrow the possibilities.  When you restrict the possibilities, you slide back into Interpreter mode.  Almost automatically, you will begin to spot the difficulties and find the obstacles.

If, however, you stay open and continue to be curious, the scope of possibilities will expand beyond your ability to imagine.  The range of your vision will expand, almost as if you switched your headlights from dim to bright.

Hope from the Observer perspective produces the calm that all will be well.  Anticipation creates momentum toward the unknown future.

Whatever particular area of your life is currently proving the most challenging, consider taking the following steps to move from Interpreter to Observer:

  • Identify the scale by which you’re measuring.  (good/bad; for/against; me/them; easy/hard)
  • Ask yourself, What if this scale didn’t exist?
  • Be open to the possibilities.
  • Anticipate (don’t force) an answer that will amuse, astonish, excite or gratify you.

If you’re struggling with a health issue, maybe you’ll discover wellness.  If you’re struggling with financial problems, maybe you’ll discover abundance.  If you’re struggling with an unhealthy relationship, maybe you’ll discover harmony.  If you’re struggling with your purpose, maybe you’ll discover confidence.

I want to re-emphasize that when you resist, when you lock yourself into your stories, when you refuse to go forward, you create your own struggle.  Deep inside, you know who you are and you know what you are for.  As a first step, be willing to ask, “What if I opened up to that inner knowing?”  “What if I were willing to be all that I can be?”  “What if I let all the possibilities open up for me?”

What if . . .

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)


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Posted in Beliefs, Neutrality, Observer Mode, Personal Growth, Possibilities, personal power | Comments Off

Observer Challenges

Sunday, January 1st, 2012

In my recent post titled The Creation Conundrum, I ended with one of the challenges of  Observer Mode, the difficulty of staying in neutral.  As with a car, when you shift out of gear you take away one of your means for control.  When the transmission’s disengaged, the car will easily follow the path of least resistance.

To stay in neutral emotionally, you must maintain equanimity.  You can use your breaks – refuse to let momentum pull you into Interpreter Mode.  You can use your gas pedal – consciously chose an emotion from Partner Mode.  Or you can use the transmission – hold steady with the emotions of Observer Mode.  Which one you choose depends on where you are parked, how hard it was to get there, how urgent you are to go somewhere else, and how full your gas tank is.

First Challenge – Stay in Neutral

To be in neutral emotionally is to have reached a relatively flat surface.  It doesn’t take much of a shove to start coasting back down the hill again.  However, your response to a shove will depend not on the steepness of the hill but the difficulty of the climb.  Very likely, in some areas of your life you can stride up a steep slope with ease, while in other areas you struggle to surmount a slight incline.  The energy required to go backward is inverse to the energy it took to go forward.  If you achieved the plateau of neutrality with little effort, it will probably take a huge effort to push you back down into judgment.  If it took a concerted effort to become neutral, a little tap might send you sliding down.

There’s an emotional position in Observer Mode I haven’t mentioned yet.  It’s the state of healthy discontent.  Often, discontent takes the form of judgment, much like consternation or discomfort or irritation.  It can also be the soul’s yearning for best good.  You possess a basic instinct to be the best person you can be, to serve the world and mankind to the best of your ability, and to gain mastery, empowerment and enlightenment.  In Victim or Interpreter Mode, it’s easy to loose touch with that instinct, but the spark will never die out completely.  When you reach Observer Mode, you essentially add energy to the spark, and it flames into life.  The resulting sense of healthy discontent will pull you toward Partner Mode.

Whether you can put yourself in gear and step on the gas will depend on your reserves.  Staying in neutral a while gives you a chance to refuel, to get to know yourself better, to enjoy the view, to study your road map, to take stock of your options.  In Observer Mode you have 100 times the personal power you had in Interpreter Mode, and it may take some time to discover the full range of your new capabilities.

When you are free of judgment, your possibilities include: child-like levels of enjoyment and delight, security as in a mother’s arms, clarity like rain-fresh air, the hope of a new day, and in-the-now acceptance.  It may take practice to fully make use of your expanded ability to marvel, to savor, to give thanks, to enjoy, to relax, to be.

Eventually, you will know your emotions are secure, you will know it would take more than a nudge (or a shove, or a blast) to knock you into a state of less power.  Refueled, your innate desire for growth, for maximizing yourself, will propel you up the next slope.

Second Challenge – Accept the Possibilities

Another new challenge of Observer Mode is that of dealing with infinite possibilities.

Interpreter Mode makes things difficult, while Observer makes things possible.

When you leave Interpreter Mode for Observer Mode, the sudden vista of what’s possible can be both overwhelming and confusing.  If you could see the spectrum of possibilities as a continuum, everything you don’t want would stretch off to the left and everything you do want would stretch off to the right.  You could easily pivot to the right and march straight in the direction of what you want.

In actuality, the landscape is not flat or even.  It spreads out in every direction, with hills and dales, broad avenues and dead-ends, successes and failures, comfort and discomfort, security and danger.

In Interpreter Mode your options seemed mostly “bad,” and you could count it a win if you made the best of a bad situation.  In Observer Mode the possibility certainly exists that you could make a mistake.  Except as soon as you fear choosing badly, you slide back into judgment.  And this presents another conundrum for the Observer:  How do you remain neutral in this landscape in which everything (good and bad) is possible?

The answer can be found within the personal power you access when you become the observer.

As with all modes, the power that becomes available to you exists in the emotions of that mode.  Mastering the power you’ve accessed is yet another challenge of Observer Mode.

Third Challenge – Master the Emotion

Each of the emotions of Observer Mode has its own power, its own energy.  When you experience one of these emotions, you tap into the energy and embody its power.  If you want to experiment with this a bit, try the following:  Sit quietly.  Get into the now by letting go of all judgments and becoming neutral.  Then pick an Observer emotion and think of something that will evoke that emotion within you.  Spend a moment or two observing the way your body responds to that emotion.  Then pick another and repeat the process.  Take note of the shifts of energy in your body.

As I tried the experiment myself, when I evoked compassion I felt my heart swell.  When I evoked curiosity, my face and forehead relaxed.  And when I evoked amusement, I chuckled.

No two people experience emotional energy in exactly the same way, so pay attention to how it feels to you.  And if you can’t sense the energy immediately, no worries.  You wouldn’t expect to play the piano the first time you sat at the keyboard.

Here’s something you can do – sort of like a first finger piano exercise:  Find a quiet place and seclude yourself for ten or fifteen minutes.  Choose any Observer emotion and let it fill your consciousness.  The following guide might help:

  • Think about what that emotion means to you.
  • Thing about times when you’ve experienced that emotion.
  • Remember what generated that emotion within you.
  • Identify any current aspect of your life that might benefit from receiving that emotion.

Take admiration for instance.  You could begin by mentally cataloguing things you admire (sunsets, great art, beautiful bodies, skyscrapers, thick hair, a good book, a job well done).  Then bring any one of these things to mind and recall your admiration.  Next let your body recall the sensations of admiration.  And when your thoughts and your body are connected to the emotion of admiration, recall something that’s going on in your life right now (frustration at work, an interest you want to pursue, tight money, the times you spend with your best friend).  Now send admiration toward that aspect of your life (something you admire in a co-worker, what you admire most about what interests you, the good things money will buy, the way your friend listens to you).  Enjoy the calm produced by the admiration you first evoke, then feel, then send out.

Consider the time spent engaged in this sort of practice as holding sacred space.  Let it become sacred by honoring it and giving it high priority.  Do not profane it with Interpreter or Victim emotions.  When you schedule the time and dedicate yourself to feeling the energy of Observer emotions, being the energy of Observer emotions, you will discover you can:

  • Neutralize your conflict.
  • Ease your pain.
  • Smooth your way.
  • Send others encouragement.
  • Open doors.

When you use the power of Observer Mode emotions for these purposes, you will look out over the landscape of possibilities more objectively.

When you review any downside, you will do so with patience and courage.  Just because you can observe the possibilities on the left side of the continuum doesn’t mean you’ll head in that direction.

When you explore the possibilities on the right side of the continuum, you will do so with curiosity and excitement.  You’ll see them as real options.

Fourth Challenge – Serve Through Neutrality

Have you ever noticed the calming effect of some rooms or buildings?  Researchers are studying the impact on mood and productivity of such things as color, ceiling height, the sharpness or roundness of corners and the placement of furnishings.  Sometimes the calm space you enter will have structural elements that contribute to that energy.  Other times the calm will be generated by the emotional energy of the person or group that uses the space.

When you are firmly in Observer Mode, your personal power includes the ability to calm others.  The calming energy of your neutrality will touch everything within your immediate vicinity.  It will also reach across time and space when you think of someone or something and focus your  emotions in that direction.

In my previous blog, I mentioned my client who said, in reference to moving out of Interpreter Mode, “But that wouldn’t be any fun!”  In reply, I said to him, “It’s a different kind of fun.”

Observer Mode presents many challenges, perhaps more than I’ve mentioned today.  Conflict is not one of them.  In addition to calm, I expect you will find meeting these challenges to be agreeable, confidence building, constructive, liberating, and healing.

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

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Posted in Mind Power, Observer Mode, personal power, service | 26 Comments »

The Creation Conundrum

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

Emotions are creative energy.

That bare-bones statement gives rise to all kinds of difficult questions with potentially untenable answers.  In The Secret of Personal Power I raised the question I find the hardest to get my mind around:  Do people who are truly victims of circumstance create the disasters that befall them?  I believe the answer is no. Good things happen to bad people.  Innocent people fall victim to war, famine, earthquakes, floods, genocide, illness, etc.

So  let’s draw a line between the victims of those kinds of harsh realities and someone who’s caught up in the emotions of Victim mode.  When such emotions as anger, hate, despair, fear, jealousy, malice, contempt and panic are raging, and you are caught in their power, you feel helpless.  Regardless of the situation or the actions of someone else, the sense of helplessness comes from overwhelming emotion.  Emotions in this mode have all the power.  You see no way out, and you function by reaction rather than intention.  Such reactions tend to of two types:  fighting back or giving up.

Since all emotions have creative power, when such Victim emotions are raging they reinforce, intensify, multiply, compound.  The more you reiterate your fear, the greater the danger will seem.  Dwelling on anger adds fuel to the fire.  Reviewing your hurts magnifies your pain.  Whether your emotions actually make the situation worse is irrelevant; the emotions get bigger, or deeper, or more dangerous, or less acceptable, and the nature of the situation will conform to the emotions.

And thus we encounter a creation conundrum:  Do pain and suffering create the emotions of victim mode or do the emotions of Victim mode create pain and suffering?  I think the potential exists for it to work both ways.

Interpreter Power

When you leave Victim Mode, you multiply your personal power by 100.  You no longer feel totally helpless.  You start looking for answers and solutions.  Unfortunately, the solutions you attempt rarely solve the problem.  You’re still sick, lonely, poor, unhappy, frustrated, anxious, skeptical, depressed, etc.  That’s because the emotions of Interpreter mode create struggle.

The hallmark of Interpreter Mode is judgment, and by definition judgment is non-acceptance.  Non-acceptance is resistance.  And what you resist persists.

In Interpreter Mode, you make up motivations, comparisons, definitions, descriptions and many, many other forms of stories.  In Interpreter Mode, these stories infiltrate your self-talk.  Whenever you make a declarative statement about yourself, “I am _____,” you have decided something about yourself, and by your declaration you contribute to the creation of you as _____.   For instance, if you declare you are humiliated, you help create a reality of humiliation.

Sometimes such statements summarize your current condition:  “I am tired.”  “I am frustrated.”  “I am enjoying myself.”  Such summaries come in three different forms:  complaints, observations and declarations.  If your statement is a complaint, it indicates you’re operating from Interpreter Mode, and you are feeling relatively powerless.  If it’s a neutral observation, you’re in Observer Mode, and we’ll get to that in a minute.  If it’s a declaration, your words have Creator power.

When you hear yourself complaining, you can immediately take a step into greater power by recognizing there must be other possibilities.  Those possibilities may not come to you immediately, but declaring they must exist takes you into Observer Mode.

So traffic is bad during rush hour.  Can you change your schedule?  Can you switch to a different mode of transportation?  Can you take better advantage of that block of time?  Can you create a different reality for yourself?

So your child is impossible.  Can you get to know her better?  Can you acknowledge her strengths rather than judge her weaknesses?  Can you discover what’s really bothering her?  Can you create a better relationship with her?

Of course, it’s possible to stay in Interpreter Mode while you’re looking for possibilities, but any form of judgment will entangle your options in resistance and struggle.  Use the tried and true brainstorming technique of writing down every idea that comes to you without stopping to evaluate.  You’ll be surprised how often the best option turns out to be the one you initially have the most resistance to.

When you form an opinion about yourself and make self-declarations based on that opinion, that opinion is likely based on limited or mis-information:  “I don’t like carrots.”  “I’m not athletic.”  “I can’t sing.”

Perhaps you believe you don’t like carrots because when you were little, your Great Aunt Hilda always served them creamed.  Perhaps you believe you’re not athletic because your family had a ping-pong table in the basement when you were twelve and you always lost.  Perhaps you believe you can’t sing because you’re measuring your ability against that of Pavarotti or Julie Andrews.  Whatever the reasons, the more you repeat these statements the truer they become.  Once they become true, you may hate carrots even when prepared by a five-star chef; you may refuse to attempt any sports, even those that don’t require speed or good hand-eye coordination; and you might enjoy singing with the church choir, but you’ll never find out.

The conundrum I find in Interpreter Mode is:  “How do I know what’s true for me vs what I perceive to be true for me?  Am I limited by my perceptions even if I want to create something else?”  Creating best good begins with choosing your wholeness first and being committed to what’s true for you.

Observer Power

When you leave the resistance of Interpreter Mode, you discover the emotions of Observer Mode create calm.  When you operate from calm you are 100 times more powerful than when you operate from struggle, and the creative power shifts from the emotion to you.

The “secret” of moving from Interpreter to Observer is simple.  Stop judging.

Recently, one of my clients  had been caught up in judgment in a couple of situations in his life.  In all other areas he felt calm and centered, but with two or three people he couldn’t forget the injuries he’d experienced at their hands.  He named the costs of holding onto his judgment (headaches, anxiety), and during our session I kept nudging him toward neutrality.  Finally, he said, “But that wouldn’t be any fun!”  With that statement he identified the challenge:  it’s possible to get a kind of perverse enjoyment from Interpreter level emotions.

Perhaps one of the things we look for when we make up our interpretations and stories, is evidence we’re not guilty, it’s not our fault, we couldn’t help it, someone else caused this, it was an accident, nobody’s perfect, we tried our hardest.  Etc.  We resist the very possibility we played a role or own a share of the responsibility.  Well, stop judging.  Extend compassion to yourself and others.  When you do, you create room for growth and development.

When your observations come from curiosity, patience or hope, you create and expand your choices.  When you relax rather than resist, your entire body responds and you enjoy greater health and well-being.  Whereas judgment is harsh and unbending, neutrality is soft and fluid.

Because the hallmark of Observer Mode emotions is neutrality, the energy you experience changes.  Because you are not in constant conflict, you are not in constant tension.  You are safe, sheltered from the storm, freed from conflict, in the now.  Adversity looses its sting.  You may know you still face challenges, you are not intimated by them.  You may know times are still tough, you recognize it’s temporary.  You recognize you have accessed the power to:

  • Change at least some aspects of the situation.
  • Change your perception of the situation.
  • Look for options.
  • Trust your intuition.
  • Choose the emotions you want to feel.

My client’s statement, “But that wouldn’t be any fun!” gives rise to the Observer conundrum:  Do conflict and challenge mean the same thing, or is challenge without conflict possible?  In my experience it’s totally possible to have challenge without conflict .

Observer Mode is the most slippery of all the modes because there’s no such thing as an objective observer.  As soon as you observe something, you put it in context of your life, your values, your preferences, your expectations, your aspirations.  You become the subject of your observation, and you will move in one direction or another.  You will either slide back into Interpreter Mode, or you will edge into Partner Mode.  The direction you move will depend on whether you choose judgment or cooperation.

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

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Creator Power

Sunday, November 6th, 2011

If emotions are energy, does this mean emotions are also power?   What is the relationship between emotions and energy?  Are they same?  And if so, so what?

There’s a lot of talk these days about energy in terms of sustainability:  energy needs, energy sources, green energy, renewable energy, alternative energy.  Our world is in an energy crisis.  Since the onset of the industrial revolution the need for energy has expanded continuously with little consideration of the down side.  The ability to produce more goods in greater and greater quantities has apparently outweighed every other consideration.  Mining and burning coal clearly cause illness and death, but the economic benefits have prevailed over such costs.  Only now, when the degradation of our environment has reached extreme levels, are we looking for “clean” energy.

Consider an energy spectrum of bad to good:

Toxic→Polluting→Neutral→Renewable→Pure

Now correlate this spectrum with the Modes of Personal Power:

  • ·Toxic energy  = Victim emotions
  • ·Polluting energy = Interpreter emotions
  • ·Neutral energy = Observer emotions
  • ·Renewable energy = Partner emotions
  • ·Pure energy = Creator emotions

Energy and Power

The neutral energy produced by and resulting from Observer Mode emotions causes no damage to the environment – or to you.  In this mode, you stop struggling.  You no longer feel a need to hold on, manipulate, fight, resist, withhold, prevent, monitor, dominate, or exert control in any other way.  You relax, surrender, drift, let go, let be, acknowledge, float, etc.  You just be. What is is.  You recognize how is not up to you.  You arrive in this mode by turning off the energy switch, by conserving.

In Partner Mode, you switch from off to on – but you have moved to an entirely different kind of energy than the polluting forms of Interpreter Mode.  Consider the emotions of Partner Mode in the context of renewable energy sources.  For instance, imagine appreciation as having the same delightful energy as a quick mountain stream.  Imagine confidence as having the same rising heat as a geothermal steam vent.  Imagine friendliness as having the healing warmth of sunlight.  Imagine willingness as having the same tenacious rhythm as the tides.  Imagine gratitude as having the same soothing energy as a summer breeze.  (Your imagination will likely come up with different correlations than mine, but you get the drift.)

When you experience emotions from Partner Mode, the energy of your confidence, appreciation, friendliness, willingness, gratitude, etc. empowers your efforts.  The energy you generate also empowers others.  The renewable resource of your Partner emotions can help those who are operating from Interpreter Mode to switch off the polluting energies of those emotions and become more sustainable.

As you’ll recall from the Modes of Power Diamond, personal power increases by orders of magnitude from one mode to the next.  (For visualization purposes, and without any way to actually measure it, I suggested a rate of expansion of 100 times.)  However, the energy cost is inverse to the energy gain.  When operating in Victim Mode, the energy balance is all cost and no gain.  Interpreter Mode is still high cost with little gain.  Observer Mode is neutral, it costs nothing and you get to keep all the energy you generate.  Partner emotions require some effort on your part (you have to erect the wind turbine) and then the energy is free; you get to use all you want with excess to share.

The Power of Creation

And now we come to Creator Mode.  The energy of these emotions is all gain at no cost.  Love is free.  Happiness is free.  Delight is free.  Kindness is free.  Peace is free.  Imagine if you had a direct power connection to the sun.  You could absorb energy from the sun without putting up a solar panel, without even going out and standing in the sun.  You wouldn’t need a battery to hold the energy because your direct connection would flow continuously regardless of weather or time of day.  The emotions of Creator Mode are like that.

Now imagine your connection is not with the sun, but with the universe, with the ultimate, infinite partner of all creation.  Imagine this connection is immediate and intimate.  It’s the air you breathe, your sensory awareness, the beat of your heart.  Creator emotions are that strong, that constant, that powerful.

When you operate in Creator Mode, your love will heal yourself and others.  Your happiness will create anything you want.  Your peace will infuse peace into every situation. Your enthusiasm will strengthen you and empower others.  You become the source of positive energy in any group, in any situation.  Creator emotions even empower you to reach across time and space.  You don’t have to be in the same location with those you serve.

So what would your life be like if you always operated from Creator Mode?  Would it be all peace and light?  A heaven on earth?  Unrelenting, boring bliss?

I don’t know.  That state of being is beyond my experience.  But the emotion/energy perspective gives me a way to look at it.

Infinite means no-limit, and in some ways no-limit energy looks more dangerous than inviting.  At their extremes, most natural and abundant sources of energy become “catastrophic.”  Consider tornadoes, tsunamis, volcanoes, etc.  From our finite human perspective, the effects seem destructive and disruptive.

And yet, such excesses of energy are the creative mechanisms of the universe.  According to the Big Bang theory, the universe itself began as an explosion.  Without the Iron Catastrophe, the earth would not be habitable.  Mountains are the result of tectonic shifts and volcanic activity. The richest soil on earth comes from such excesses as volcanoes, floods and glaciers.

I assume that as such energy extremes are rare in nature, so the upper extremes of Creator Mode emotions would be rare rather than constant.  Generally, mountain streams burble along, breezes clear the air, the tides ebb and flow, geothermal vents emit steam.  The energy’s there, and while the potential is far greater than we know, it’s also manageable and master-able.

The emotions of Creator Mode are amazingly powerful.  Powerful beyond our ability to imagine.  Creatively powerful.

This power can be engaged either actively or re-actively, although most of us experience it only re-actively – we love because others are loveable; we’re happy when there’s something to be happy about; we rejoice when there’s something to celebrate, etc.

Regardless of how we’ve come at these emotions, we have at least experienced them.  Such experiences are blessings.  They teach us what creator energy feels like, how our bodies respond to these emotions, and to recognize the power when we feel it.  They provide us with an experience base from which we can learn to actively engage the power.

Become an Active Creator

Knowing what love feels like, you can generate it from your heart and use it to heal.  You can heal your own illnesses and the illnesses of others.  You can heal ill-will, scarcity, loneliness, past error, or any other wound inflicted or experienced from victim or interpreter mode.

Knowing what happiness feels like, you can generate it from within and use it to create any outcome you desire.

Knowing what delight feels like, you can let it expand within you to reframe any erroneous belief.

If the difference between passively experiencing Creator Mode emotions and actively generating them seems a long way off, take a good look at what comes easily to you.  Identify what you have in abundance.  Consider such things as your talents, your skills, your intelligence, your family, your friends, your well-being, your home, your job.  Make an inventory of your blessings.

Perhaps you’re more in the habit of focusing on what’s not going well, on the things you want to fix, or improve, or heal, or transcend.  For this exercise, set those things aside and concentrate on what’s good.

Now review the emotions you feel when you think about what’s good.  What do you feel when you interact with people you love?  What do you feel when you participate in something you enjoy?  These are the emotions of Creator Mode, and you can transfer the energy of these emotions to any other area of your life.

If you would like personal guidance in mastering any of the Modes of Power, please contract me through my website:  kathyjacobson.com.  My website describes my approach to coaching, and also provides a way to buy my books:  Choosing Happiness and The Miracle Factor.

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The Power of Choice

Sunday, October 30th, 2011

Once, while exploring Observer mode with a client this week, I commented on the ways choices multiply as you become neutral.  With a laugh, she said, “But I already have too many choices.  That’s part of my problem.”  (link to Diamond of Power)

This week I’ll explore further the relationship between power and choice.  This relationship can be summed up with a single question: Who has the power and who has the choice?”

The Who in this question is important.  Even though we’re discussing personal power –  the power you have inside of you to be, to do, and to have – your power responds to and interacts with the power of others.  The category others includes every person you meet or deal with.  It also includes such inanimate aspects of your life as work, money, time, space, energy, sleep, tools, equipment, ideas, beliefs, etc.  Your relationship with others always has an emotional component, so when we discuss emotions and power, we’re also discussing relationships.

Let’s look at relationships, choices and power as they correlate to the modes we’ve explored so far.

Victim

In Victim Mode the other is always a “persecutor”, and that persecutor is perceived to have all the power – and therefore all the choices.  If the victim sees any options, the choice is limited to Fight, flight or freeze? Mostly, victims simply act as the situation demands.

Imagine for a minute you’re the one operating in Victim Mode.  The emotion engulfing you is fear.  You’re seriously in fear of your life, as if a snarling man-eating tiger were stalking you.  You can’t win in a fight.  You can’t outrun the danger.  So you freeze.  You try to become invisible.  With survival at stake, you will appease if possible, submit if necessary.

Or what if the emotion raging inside you is anger?  Fierce, unrelenting, body-shaking anger.  You’re not going to run away.  You’re not going to play dead.  No, by god, you’re going to fight, and you’re going to win.

Or what if you’re struck by revulsion strong enough to turn your stomach?  No hanging around here.  Run like hell.

For most people, most life situations are never that extreme.  Most of us do, however, experience instances or events when some emotion from Victim Mode overwhelms us.  I remember getting into an altercation with my brother when I was perhaps 20 years old.  I was engaged to be married and my soon-to-be husband had a front row seat for our little sibling drama.  I can’t remember the argument itself.  I do recall my brother pushed me away from the TV to change the channel (this was long before remote control), and I was so furious I kicked him in the back.

I’m sure I’ve had other moments of such rage in my life; this one sticks with me because we had such a special audience.  What amazes me, looking back, is the degree to which I was the victim of my anger.  I let anger take over, and in that black rage I acted purely on instinct.  I didn’t think.  I acted impulsively, lashing out with the handiest weapon, which happened to be my foot.  After I kicked my brother, my fiancé calmed me down and described to me that I could have ruptured my brother’s kidney.

In Victim Mode, the true “persecutors” are the emotions.  We become powerless in their thrall.  Our perception of what’s possible becomes so narrow we stop thinking, we can only react.  The emotion itself makes the choice for us:  fight, flight, freeze.

You can spot Victim Mode by the following clues:

  1. You’re engaged in a battle that consumes most of your thoughts and energies.
  2. There’s something you avoid at all costs.
  3. You are immobilized.

It’s possible to be in Victim Mode in one or two areas of your life and function quite effectively otherwise, but Victim emotions tend to be so strong and drain off so much of your energy and attention they impede everything else.

Also, it’s important to recognize that while in Victim Mode you cannot be the Observer of your own behavior.  You can observe it later, but when besieged by such emotions you do not have access to your power of neutrality.

Interpreter

When you move into Interpreter Mode the role of other is no longer filled by a “persecutor.”  Rather, challengers, adversaries, opponents, enemies, competitors, antagonists, etc. fill the role.   In Interpreter Mode, the emotion itself no longer owns all the power.  Rather, power shifts to the shoulders of the players, and the strongest player has the most power.

Of course, who’s strongest depends on who’s measuring, and an interpreter tends to grant the power of the measuring stick to someone else, either directly or indirectly.

For instance, if you need someone to acknowledge, validate or approve of you, you hand them the measuring stick.  In order to gain their approval, you must meet their standard.

If you aspire to something that seems attainable but elusive, such as wealth, success, beauty, holiness, style, happiness, etc., chances are you’ve adopted someone else’s measuring stick.  (The measuring stick can belong to some group of people.)

If you feel perpetually on the brink of disaster, you have avoided grasping hold of the measuring stick of your own security.  You assume that something others finds harmful must also be dangerous for you.

One of the consequences of measuring is a preoccupation with blame and responsibility.  You become so concerned with what they did or what they should do that you neglect your own part.  You want someone else to atone, to make it better, to pay damages, to level the playing field, to apologize, to come clean, to grovel.  Until the other acts in one of these restorative ways, you are justified in feeling resentment, anxiety, loss, deprived, miserable, unhappy.

At 21, I embarked quite naively on the adventure of marriage – and the marital tiffs began almost immediately.  I experienced bewilderment, frustration, misgiving, guilt, and probably a dozen other interpreter emotions.  My husband and I were at each other constantly.  If the house was a mess, I’d get defensive at the slightest indication of criticism.  If we couldn’t afford something, one word from me would send him into a spin.  Neither of us knew how to own our emotions.  We both wanted the other person to make things better.  “If he would only _______, I’d be happy.”   “If she would only ______, things would run so much more smoothly.”

About ten years into the marriage, I claimed my own happiness.  Again, the details elude me, but I recall sitting alone in the living room, struggling with whatever was specifically wrong at the time.  I said to myself, “No more.  I’m not going to let his negativity stand in the way of my happiness.”  That declaration didn’t improve the marriage – and I still operated from Interpreter Mode a good share of the time – but by that choice I  accessed more of my personal power.

You can spot Interpreter Mode by the following clues.

  • You feel others (people and situations) have more power than you do.
  • You want others to make things better.
  • Something (the situation, other people, yourself) doesn’t measure up.

The first step into claiming your power and claiming your choices is to become the Observer of your emotions.  (Link to March 8, 2009)

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Incremental Steps

Sunday, July 10th, 2011

Last week I referred to the process I call “revolution to revelation,” going round and round – the same issue, the same kinds of experiences, the same challenges – until something you’ve seen or heard or experienced suddenly makes sense and transports you into new understanding.  Today, I’ll explore ways to make this process purposeful instead of accidental.

I think this kind of progress is important in accessing personal power and in manifesting what you want.  The art of manifestation corresponds directly to your relationship with your power. The ability to access the infinite power you already possess seems essential to your ability to manifest.

Accessing Power

When I first started coaching, I’d encourage clients to simply replace a disempowering emotion with an empowering one.  For instance, if someone was mired in resentment, I’d ask, “What do you want to feel instead?”  This seemed easy enough to me, except we weren’t achieving the desired results.

As I continued to study emotions, I began to see they fell into natural groups according to the results they produced.  These groups became the Modes of Mastery  diamond, and when I used that model, we started to see lasting change.  I realized real progress comes by moving systematically from one mode to the next.  Of course, you can experience a big leap and enjoy the resulting burst of exalted emotion, but permanent access to Partner or Creator power requires consciously mastering each mode along the way.  Since using a more incremental approach, I’ve been more effective as a coach, and my clients have experienced longer-lasting results.

Following is a quickie review of each mode:

Victim mode includes those strong, imperative emotions that result in a sense of helplessness.  You may be in a situation that initiates or contributes to a reality of helplessness, or you may be immobilized only from within.  Either way, such emotions as fear, hate, anger and resentment close off possibilities until it looks as if there is no way out.

Interpreter mode is recognized by judgment and results in struggle.  This includes any emotion that results in such judgments as comparison, blame, measurement, fault-finding, complaint and envy.  In this mode you have sufficient personal power to see possible solutions, but since the emotions produce struggle, the alternatives may seem to have more cost than benefit.

Observer mode is neutral.  The more judgment you can release, the calmer you feel.  As the observer you can see a vast spectrum of possibilities, and you are able to make more reasoned choices.

Partner mode emotions include any that connect and form cooperative relationships.  The range of possibilities begins to narrow again because you have the personal power to eliminate the options you don’t want.  The possible becomes probable.

Creator mode emotions bring you into a oneness with yourself, other people, the world, and the infinite.  When you live such emotions as love, peace, and happiness, the probable becomes inevitable.

When I assembled the list of emotions (included again this week), I put them in alphabetical order.  The emotions of each mode share characteristics, but they do not all have equal power.  I made no effort to prioritize them by strength because the words that describe emotion tend to mean different things to different people.  For instance, I might consider disappointment a deeply weakening emotion; for you it might be a temporary state.  I also included synonyms to assist in finding the word that best describes how you feel.  Trepidation and consternation may mean essentially the same thing, but you know if you’re feeling one or the other.

I’ve encouraged you often to identify the emotion you’re feeling, look to the next mode for an emotion that would be a logical step into a higher level of power.  Sometimes, however, your next “revolution” might take you to an emotion within the same mode, but one with less (or more) energy.

For example, this week, a friend of mine said she was feeling angry.  She’d asked a roommate to move out of her house, and feelings were running a high.  My friend already knew that by feeling angry she was giving away her anger to the other person.  She also knew she’d prefer to feel compassion, but that seemed pretty remote.  So I suggested an incremental approach, and this is how it went:

From Anger to Irritation to Disappointment to Sadness to Calm to Compassion

I suggested some of the steps; she suggested others.  At each transition, she felt her heart easing and her body relaxing.  The entire process took less than five minutes.

It often doesn’t work that fast.  If your anger, like my friend’s, is recent and not especially deep, you can probably shift out of it quickly – as she did.  If you’ve been holding it most of your life, you may have to take many tiny, incremental steps, then practice each step for days or weeks before you’re able to move onto the next one.

Wherever you are, identify an emotion you can move to fairly easily.

The diagram below illustrates the journey from fear to joy.  Because fear allows the least amount of personal power, it’s in the middle; joy, with the most expansive personal power, is outermost.  The progress each revolution makes is very incremental – and the time it takes to make one revolution will be very individual.

In actual practice, your starting place might be anywhere along the way.  Your path may not require as many steps as I’ve included.  You might identify your progressive steps with an entirely different set of emotions.  You may transition through some emotions so quickly you hardly notice; others might take a few revolutions.

Recognize the progression as a journey.  Also recognize each transition from one mode to another will impact every area of your life.  For instance, you may be anxious over something that’s going on at work yet staying in observer mode everywhere else.  Emotions, however, are as contagious within an individual as they are from one person to another.  If you don’t deal with the anxiety at work, it can contaminate the more satisfying areas of your life. When you address the anxiety and work your way out of it, the improved energy will also increase your power everywhere else.

Movement Strategies

The strategies for moving from one mode to another follow a basic do-have-be pattern.   Even though I’ve maintained this do-have-be cycle can begin anywhere, it actually correlates pretty will with the modes of power.

From Victim to Interpreter:

Because the primary characteristic of Victim mode is helplessness, the first step is to grasp the strands of non-helplessness that are within your reach.  Regardless of your circumstances, your emotions are nearest at hand.

Start by recognizing and acknowledging what you feel.  The more precisely you identify your emotions, the better.  Do you feel anger or fury?  Loneliness or contempt?  Hate or resentment?  Outrage or revulsion?

Once you’ve named the emotion, own it.  Your circumstances or the actions of others may reinforce a belief in your own helplessness, but no one besides yourself has any power whatsoever over your feelings.  Be willing to say, right out loud, I’m choosing to feel _____.”

These two things – naming the emotion then owning it – are powerful things you can do. The more you do them, the more you’ll empower yourself to choose something else.

If, however, the emotion feels too good to let go, be okay with that.  Maybe it feels right to be angry, or resentful, or guilty, or jealous.  If so, give yourself permission to indulge in it.  In fact, set aside a time to rant and wallow.  Mark 30 minutes (or 10, or 60, or a week) off on your calendar and make an appointment with yourself to really dig in and explore and expand and put your heart into it.  Then go for it.  For the full 30 minutes (or 10, or 60, or the whole week) focus on making the most of the emotion.  See if you can actually hold the emotion, on purpose and with intention, for the entire time you’ve set aside.

When you’re ready to move out of the disempowering emotion, choose your next step.  Keep it small and easy.  Big steps are intimidating and can set you up for failure before you even begin.  If moving from wrath to tolerance feels impossible, identify some interim steps, for instance

From wrath to anger to bitterness to indignation to irrication to exasperation to disappointment to sadness.

Once you reach Observer mode, you may be able to identify a pathway that could take you clear to Creator mode:

From sadness to tolerance to indifference to curiosity to amusement to acceptance  to sympathy to gratitude to respect to delight to love.

From Interpreter to Observer:

In Interpreter mode, doing is natural and necessary.  You want to fix, change, repair, improve, mend, control, construct, systematize, etc.  Unfortunately, the emotions of Interpreter mode are those that judge, blame, complicate, interfere, confuse, deconstruct, challenge, deplete, etc., and that makes everything more difficult.

To leave Interpreter mode, you must leave the impeding emotions behind so you can adopt the ones that will support, encourage, cooperate, and empower.  The intermediate resting place between judgment and cooperation is the calm of Observer mode.  The calming exercises I’ve presented before are very effective.  Here’s a quick recap:

To calm your body:

  • Breathe deeply.
  • Open your senses.
  • Be in nature
  • Expand your body from within.

To calm your mind:

  • Count your blessings.
  • Laugh out loud.
  • See truth.
  • Be present.

To calm your emotions:

  • Smile.
  • See beauty.
  • Be silly.
  • Evoke a neutral emotion.

(For more explanation, see “Calm and Curious.”)

Another strategy is to focus on the qualities of Observer mode emotions and implement them into your life – again in small ways.  Such emotions as amazement, curiosity, excitement, humility, awareness, resilience, etc. are also qualities you can practice.  When you let these qualities guide your actions, their energy becomes more accessible to you.

Consider such incremental doing steps as:

  • To gain amazement, try to be amazed at something every day.
  • To gain resilience, identify one thing you find threatening and find little ways to become more familiar with it.
  • To gain simplicity, analyze one of your normal routines and find one little step you can eliminate.  Or take one rarely used item off a crowded shelf and get rid of it.
  • To gain flexibility, observe your body and notice when it stiffens up.  Then review the situation and look for one little way you can bend.

From Observer to Partner:

Taking actions steps is a very strong way to move from Interpreter into Observer.  To transition from the neutrality of Observer to the synergy of Partner, it’s necessary to transition from doing to having.  Look at the list again and insert a have in front of each attribute.  For example:

have acceptance
have affection
have appreciation
have cheerfulness
have kindness
have modesty
have openness
have gratitude
have concern
have willingness

These qualities are yours for the having if you’re willing to accept them, receive them, access them, open up to them, let them come forth.  Of course, you can ask, “What can I do to show more appreciation?”  If you give that question your full attention, you’ll soon notice that when you have appreciation, doing it comes easily and automatically.

From Partner to Creator:

Creator mode is a state of being. You don’t have to act, try, work at, practice or perform.  You just are.

To reach this mode, follow the same process as moving from observer to partner.  Recognize the emotion you want to access and be the qualities of that emotion.

be cheerfulness
be enthusiasm
be serenity
be authenticity
be love
be joy
be peace
be delight

Remember, when it comes to personal power, nothing’s consistent or immobile.  We each have a personal range that generally spans three modes.  Someone habitually in Victim mode can swing into Observer mode, just as someone habitually in Creator mode will also swing into Observer mode.  Have confidence in the incremental steps of your own journey, and you will continue to move your personal range inch by inch up the scale.

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Own Your Part

Sunday, April 17th, 2011

There are at least two parts to every encounter, sometimes more depending on how many people are involved. Even in partisan situations where the sides are clearly defined, the number of attitudes, biases, preferences, and options is going to be closer to the number of people than the number of sides. And of all the parts involved, the part that matters most is yours.

Yours is the only part you can control, the only part for which you have responsibility, and the fundamental source of your results. Your part has many facets, and none of them works in a vacuum. Your part includes how you relate to people, how you respond to situations, what you create, how your creation affects others, and the energy you bring into the lives of others. Most people, in most situations, get their part tangled up with the parts of others. For you to make clean and intentional choices, it’s important to claim your own part, and only your part, and then be true to it.

Your part will be influenced by several factors, and the more you accept and take responsibility for these factors the more you gain access to your own inner power.

Your beliefs

Your belief system essentially creates the world you live in. When you believe something is true, it becomes true – at least for all practical purposes. It becomes the filter through which you view the events and aspects of your life, and the filter admits only the evidence that corresponds to your beliefs. For instance, if you believed the earth is flat, you would never put it to the test. You would stay within the bounds of your imagination and discount any evidence of a global world presented by others. You would call such people liars or charlatans. Because you would confine your choices to those allowed by a flat world, your world would be flat.

Likewise, if you believed you had no choice in a situation, you wouldn’t look for options. No matted how many possibilities were presented to you, you would produce reasons why not. Therefore, those options would not be available to you – excluded by your own belief.

Similarly, if you believe you are a victim, you see will only the evidence that supports that belief. If you believe things can’t change, you won’t notice changes that occur. If you believe your partner is at fault in every argument, you will be blind to your contribution. If you believe you lost because the other side cheated, you will dismiss any errors made by your team.

On the other hand, when you accept your part, miracles happen. When you believe you have perfect health, you do. When you love your life, your life is wonderful. When you believe opportunities abound, they do. When you are impervious to the ups and downs of the economy, you prosper. When you are true to yourself, the universe supports your choices.

Examine your beliefs. Be alert to how your beliefs contribute to your reality. Look at your reality to discover your beliefs. You will find a direct causal relationship between what you believe and what your have. If you are stretched financially, perhaps you believe in lack. If you are ailing, perhaps you believe in illness. If you are lonely, perhaps you believe in isolation.

The principle works both ways: If you are rich, you believe in wealth. If you are healthy, you believe in health. If you are loved, you believe in love. If your days and ways are marked by miracles, you believe in possibility.

Your emotions

Whenever two people encounter each other, two sets of emotions also meet. Each person’s emotions arise (or remain) from their personal history. Each  person brings hopes, fears, longings, anxieties, wins and losses, confidence and doubt, and varying degrees of happiness and sadness. When these sets of  emotions meet, they interact and they play off each other in ways that may or may not be known to the individuals themselves.

So there you are, in the middle of an encounter with someone, and your  emotions are all behaving logically and properly. Then the other person says or does something one of your emotions doesn’t like. Perhaps your self-doubt surfaces. Suddenly you’re no longer sure of yourself, no longer sure of the other person, no longer sure the encounter is going in a direction you like. You say something in your own defense, and if what you say triggers one of the other person’s emotions, you’re both off and running.

Perhaps logically you both want to stop, to somehow save the day. But both sets of emotions have risen in rebellion and are determined to stick it to the end.

If you could step free of your insecurity and become neutral, you could apologize for your outburst, sympathize with the way the other person’s emotions got loose, shake hands, and continue to explore for a satisfactory resolution. But if your emotions are still edgy, angry, afraid, determined, and self-protective, most of those stirred-up emotions are saying, “Not my fault! His fault!” At this point, you have three basic choices (more if you count the nuances). You will:

  • Blame it all on the other person.
  • Blame it all on yourself.
  • Recognize you both contributed.

If you pick the first option – “Person X is controlling, insensitive, defensive, angry, abusive, etc.” – you are denying you had a part. If you pick the second option – “I disobeyed, was annoyed, mis-interpreted, was selfish, etc.” – you are denying the other person’s part. If you pick the last option, good for you. Very likely you know how to own your part and only your part. Your part is the only part that belongs to you.

Your emotions are the ones you can control or calm. How the other person acts or reacts is not yours to choose.

You can play your part any way you wish. You can choose to be combative, angry, aggressive, unyielding, etc. Or you can choose to be calm, accepting, forthright, loving, etc. Once you choose, accept the consequences. Owning your part also includes taking responsibility for your results.

Your integrity

The root of integrity is integer, from the Latin, which means complete, whole. We’ve been focusing on being the truest person you can be, and looking at factors that contribute to that being-ness, that wholeness. From your wholeness comes your integrity, and because you are a unique human being, your integrity has facets unlike those of any other person.

Consider that your integrity means standing firm in your values system – whatever that system happens to be. And because you change and grow, your values system inevitably changes and grows accordingly. Your integrity today is different from what it may have been when you were a child, different from when you first entered adulthood, perhaps different from last year.

Therefore, you will make different choices from when you where a child, from when you were a young adult, from last year. Someone else could note those differences and proclaim your integrity to be in shreds. Or someone else can look at your values system, note it’s different from theirs and declare you have shaky (or no) integrity.

When you are the truest person you can be and when you stay true to yourself, you are integral. Whole. You don’t have to match someone else’s values, ethics, moral code, or behavior. In fact, you can’t. You can agree with some people and disagree with others, but your integrity is uniquely yours.

Do you choose to act in accordance with what you believe? Do you hold your values system to be your sacred rule book? Do you live according to what is true to you? The degree to which you do or don’t is entirely up to you. And your results will reflect that choice. If you stay in your integrity, your results will be integrated and aligned with your best good. If you waiver, your results will be insubstantial or incomplete.

Your experiences

When did you first realize you have a voice in your experiences? Probably not as an infant, able to influence those around you only by crying or smiling. Perhaps not as a child, when your parents made all the decisions. Maybe not in school, when teachers, principals, ministers, cops, bullies, and cool kids all created situations in which the best  you could do was hold your own. Possibly not even as you were moving into adulthood, when someone could agree to date you or not, when a university could choose to admit you or not, when a company could choose to hire you or not. All your life there have been situations over which you have no control: your family moved around, your parents divorced (or stayed together), people died, you had illnesses or accidents, cars fell apart, expectations didn’t materialize, friends betrayed you.

So when did you realize you played a role in your life? Actually, subconsciously, you began to learn it as a baby. If smiling brought people cooing around you, you learned to smile and collect attention. If only crying brought attention, you learned to cry – maybe to throw tantrums.

Most people, by nature, are pleasers or loners or rebels. If as a child you were a pleaser, you always tried to cooperate, possibly even if that meant ceding something important to you. If you were a loner, you stood apart as much as you could, and perhaps your aloofness influenced people to coax and plead and attend to you. If you were a rebel, you objected to power wielded by others, perhaps to your own detriment. In your interpersonal relationships, you have always had a voice.

Your role in impersonal situations may be harder to find. To find your part requires looking into your own soul. For instance:

  • Emotions work as attractors; whatever you emit draws something to it: fear attracts danger, gratitude attracts bounty, anger attracts conflict, joy attracts serenity, dissatisfaction attracts disappointment, optimism attracts good results, resistance attracts pain, etc.
  • Illness often results from conflicted and buried emotions: Anger makes you vulnerable to cancer, resistance to growth leads to arthritis, disassociation from purpose generates allergies, unhappiness promotes pneumonia, impatience raises your cholesterol level, etc. (See such authors as Louise Hay and Karol Truman.)
  • An unwillingness or inability to step out and grasp something your want (health, freedom, abundance, etc), expands the situation you want to leave. If you can’t receive freedom, you will become more imprisoned; if you can’t receive plenty, you will experience more lack; if you can’t receive health, you will stay sick.

Certainly, you will find yourself in situations that make no rational sense, even when you accept the above principles. In such situations and at such times, your part may be to make the best of it you possible can, to step back and become the observer. Know that when you can accept difficult situations with curiosity and without judgment, you will experience less pain.

Your choices

In every situation, in every encounter with another person, you have at least two choices. You can come or go, speak or be silent, respond or react, agree or argue, resist or accept, fight or make peace. You always have a choice, even when you believe you have no options. When you feel helpless, you are choosing to not look for alternatives. When you reconcile to something you don’t like, you are choosing to give up your power. When you accommodate to a situation, you may be choosing to obey, to acquiesce, to honor, to approve or to submit.

You may see this more easily in your relationships with other people than in the impersonal situation in your life. With people, their choices usually contrast with yours or mirror them, and either way can illuminate your choice. With impersonal choices the part the other plays is often invisible. For instance, you have  relationships with money, with sleep, with your car, with your job (not just the people at work), with your body, with technology, with traffic, with books, with food, etc. The part of the other comes in response to your emotions. The energy of your emotions affects the energy of the other, creating a closed loop.

For instance, if you have insomnia, your energy will include the tensions of the day you bring to bed with you and also your memories of previous sleepless nights, constant reminders that sleep is important to health, your frustration over any strategies you’ve tried to no avail, etc. Your mind and body are so engaged in not-sleeping, sleep can’t help but stay away. No matter how much you want sleep to be your friend, it has become the adversary.

What choices do you make in impersonal relationships? Do you operate as the truest person you can be? Do you honor your values system? Do you choose positive-energy emotions? Your choices produce your outcomes. By the same token, your outcomes reveal your choices. To know your past choices, examine your outcomes, and ask yourself objectively, “If this is what I’ve got, what part did I play in bringing it into my life?”

Explore your emotions and thoughts as much as your actions. If you have lack, you may not be making enough money or you may have poor money habits, but you also may believe in scarcity and dread poverty. If you can’t preserve a relationship, you may be too defensive or act in inconsiderate ways, but you may also believe you are not worthy of love and resist intrusions into your privacy.

Energize Your Part

If you want to improve your relationships (any of your relationships), stay true to yourself. Stay true to the person you want to be as well as the person you are. Believe in your best good, and choose in favor of your wholeness. Energize the situation with your highest emotions. Avoid criticism, doubt and fear.

When you recognize, without judgment, your contribution to the events and situations of your life, you enter OBSERVER mode. You will experience calm within, and external conflicts will abate. When you choose to bring PARTNER mode emotions into the situation, you will notice a difference in your results almost immediately.

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Resistance

Sunday, April 10th, 2011

My model for both coaching and manifestation has three basic parts:  choose, align, receive.  Choose, bring your thoughts, emotions and actions into congruence, and that choice will become manifest.

Conversely, if what you’ve chosen does not become reality, you are either in conflict with your choice or your thoughts, actions and emotions are not congruent with each other.

This can be a hard conclusion to accept.  When we don’t get what we’re trying to manifest, it’s often more comforting to look outward for an explanation:  the economy, the weather, other people, traffic, lack of exercise or poor diet, birth order, astrological indicators, politics, personality type, parents, kids, etc.  And there will always be more than sufficient external reasons why the struggle continues.

Yet no matter how much energy we apply to resolving, or coping with, or conquering the external, the miracle will manifest only when we achieve internal congruence.  The primary challenge will always be dissolving the barriers and obstacles we generate for ourselves.

Of course, we do rarely create obstacles consciously.  You’ve probably never woken up in the morning wondering, “Okay, how can I impede my best good today?”  You’ve probably never gone to bed thinking, “Ah, how satisfying it’s been to keep myself stuck for yet another day.”

Consider that any emotion laden with negative or destructive energy is a form of resistance.  (Refer to Victim or Interpreter emotions on the Emotions List.)  Victim emotions are the most immobilizing.  They are never ambiguous; when in their thrall, you feel powerless.  Interpreter emotions are more elusive.  Sometimes they might nag and chafe and spur you to positive action; other times they lie buried deep within, strangling good intentions with silent tentacles.

Your results are always the best indicator such resistance persists–and there will always be an emotional component.  In the areas of your life where you feel contented and successful, your positive and creative emotions flourish and bear fruit.  But in the areas of your life where struggle persists, so do forms of buried resistance such as ambivalence, confusion, fears, false beliefs, past injuries, etc.

Always assess your results.  If you’re not manifesting what you want, look for the block within.  Perhaps you’re willing to recognize it and release it, yet have no idea where to start.  So let’s consider what you may be dealing with.

Beliefs: Beliefs about the way the world works begin in infancy.  To a baby, everything is fresh and unknown.  As the receptive new brain starts putting the pieces together, it draws conclusions simultaneously with gathering data.

One of the primary goals of a human being, even as a newborn, seems to be resolving the unknown.  We want to know what we don’t know, and we can create answers with very little information.  Once we decide the answer, we tend to adapt further data to comply with the model we’ve adopted.  We take the pieces that fit and say, “Ah, yes, I thought so.”  If a piece doesn’t fit, we’re likely to toss is out.  When we are comfortable with an answer, even if the answer doesn’t serve us, holding on to it is easier than challenging it.

Fears: Where beliefs arise from our efforts to resolve the unknown, fears tend to arise when we can’t.  When looking into the unknown, it’s much easier for most people to imagine the worst than to imagine the best.  Anything you can imagine has creative power.  Imagining the best comes from and/or evokes positive emotions; imagining the worst comes from and/or evokes negative emotions.  It’s always difficult to determine which comes first, the thought or the emotion, but since they become inextricable entwined it doesn’t really matter.  When the unknown looms, dread often follows.  Fear can’t settle in without our permission, except many of the fears that inhibit manifestations took root during the formative years when we didn’t know enough to be discerning.

For instance, a child who overhears parents arguing about money may inhale the fear of disaster radiated by the adults.  With no way to evaluate the validity of the parents’ feelings, and trusting them to know the way the world works, the child associates the emotions with the subject. The parent’s fear of the unknown influences the child’s belief about money.

The fears acquired by way of personal experience can be easier to identify because we often adopt them consciously.  We don’t know what the future will bring–the unknown emerges ahead of us like a great dark cavern – yet we want to be prepared for it.  If we knew the darkness was temporary and on the other side was a beautiful sun-lit garden, we would stride forward confidently.  But we don’t know.  Therefore, we assume it’s just good sense to be ready for any eventuality.  So we prepare for the worst.  If we could stay detached and focus on preparation, all would be fine.  If dread sets in, however, we tend to cringe away.

Injuries: No one gets through life unscathed–from bumps and bruises to dismemberment; from wounded pride to deep emotional betrayal, from minor colds to life-threatening illnesses, we are fragile creatures.  For most of us, the will to survive compels us to heal, to keep going, to transcend, and to prevent such assaults (even minor ones) from happening again.

We bring the past into the present by identifying the circumstances, analyzing relationships, looking for cause and effect, etc.  Once we think we have a clear picture, we put safeguards in place, and then we project the past into the future.  In the past, when A happened, B followed.  Since we don’t want B in the future, we will avoid A at all costs.

Conflicting inputs: If three people witness an event, chances are high they’ll provide three different versions of what happened.  However, when the three people are all in a group and discussing the event, they tend to influence each other to bring their details or observations into accord.  If you are one of the people involved, you may find yourself adapting your version to correspond more closely with the others.  And this may cause you to doubt your own experience.  Did you see what you thought you saw?

This happens all the time, with ideas as well as observations.  When you listen to others more than yourself, you will likely learn to mistrust your own intuition.  This tends to cause confusion,  ambivalence and insecurity.

Erroneous inputs: Information comes in all shades of accurate or false, especially in this era of the Internet.  Lies, assumptions and propaganda are often presented with the assurance of truth.  Closer to home, sometimes people we know and trust mislead us – perhaps casually, perhaps purposefully.  When wrong thinking is represented as truth it causes victimization and injury.  If loyalty to the other person is allowed to further confuse the facts, the injury of the lie deepens, and bitterness, insecurity, dejection, misery, etc. take root.

While understanding the above conditions can be a good way to dismantle them, it’s fully possible to simply dissolve the barriers they create.  Consider the following strategy.

Become the Observer: Getting out of your own story can be very challenging, but if the story itself is keeping you stuck, it’s essential to trade the old story for a new one.  Here are some suggestions:

  • Detach: Take three paces away from your life and watch it from a distance.  See yourself and the other people in your life as characters in a movie.  What do you see when on the outside looking in? Are the behaviors well-motivated and consistent?  Is the dialogue interesting or banal?  Do you want to cheer for yourself?  Can you see the emotions fueling your choices?  What would you advise yourself to do differently?
  • Dismiss judgment:  Everyone in your life is doing the best they can with what they’ve got.  We all operate with some combination of insufficient information, strong beliefs, doubts and fears, past hurts, mis-information, exhortations from others, and ambivalence.  To balance the scale, we all have talents, intelligence, inner strengths, proven abilities, and past successes.  Accept your assets without pride, your weaknesses without judgment, and other people with compassion.
  • Laugh at your resistance:  All forms of resistance gain in strength and tenacity when we take them seriously.  Certainly, you came by them naturally and honestly and you’ve probably done an excellent job learning to accommodate them.  You can still relax and laugh them away.
  • Ignore them:  The less attention you give to impeding beliefs, habitual fears, past injuries, or conflicting inputs the less strength they have.  Refuse to give them a presence in your thoughts.  The more you think about them, the more your emotional attachment swells in response; your emotions give them energy, and when you give them energy, you give them power.  Take away the energy by choosing different thoughts.  Your emotions will follow, and different emotions will create different results.

Choose what you do want: As the observer, you gain an ability to choose, an ability unavailable to you while in judgment.  Think of judgment as a mud hole, keeping you stuck.  When you become the observer, you gain solid ground.  With a solid base under your feel, you can explore possibilities, and you can launch yourself in any direction you choose.

Choosing is an amazingly powerful tool.  If you don’t want illness, choose health.  If you don’t want poverty, choose prosperity.  If you don’t want conflict, choose peace.  If you don’t want confusion, choose wisdom.  Once you have chosen, decide the type of energy that will help bring it into your life, and embrace that energy.  Adopt it.  Make it yours.  Evoke it and live it.

Refuse what you don’t want: Remove what you don’t want from your slate of possibilities.  This isn’t about denying the current situation, or ignoring indisputable facts, or punishing the messenger.  Acknowledge what is, because today it is.

Tomorrow, however, can be different.  What if you decided the old belief could stay in the past?  What if you decided to not let fear create the future?  What if you ignored everyone else’s agitation?  What if you could believe that what you want wants you?  What if what you don’t want simply drops off your radar screen?  Change your mind; change your heart; change your reality.

Sometimes the barrier to what you want can be as simple as an unwillingness to receive.  Of course, this takes us back to the beginning, to the original intention.  If you retain an unwillingness to receive, it’s not a true intention.  Perhaps it’s not true for you, perhaps you believe you should want it, perhaps you’re not willing to release your resistance.  Whatever the reasons, you won’t get what you’re not ready to receive.

If you are willing, open your heart, your mind and your life and invite what you want to come on in.  (If what you want doesn’t accept the invitation readily, you’ve probably got some lingering resistance.  Look for any embedded Victim or Interpreter emotion, and continue working with the above strategies.)

Use a powerful welcoming emotion such as enthusiasm, eagerness or compassion.  Let the emotion you choose well up within you until you can feel the energy humming.  Using that emotion¸ bring what you want into you life with your imagination, and make a place for it.

For instance, if you want peace, and you’ve decided to create it with compassion, infuse compassion into your daily activities and overlay each activity with peace.  View all the people in your life with compassion and imagine them smiling and laughing instead of growling and complaining.  Apply compassion to yourself and imagine harmony with yourself, your tools, your efforts.  Extend compassion to your challenges and let peace reign over the situation.  Project compassion into the future and acknowledge the benefits that will spread out from you to others as a result of receiving peace into your own life.

And finally, be grateful in advance.  Give thanks for what you want as if it were already here, already yours.  Count the blessing that make it possible:  your talents, your intentions, your willingness, the partners and helpers who will appear and ease your way, etc.

And one last, final thing.  Use this phrase often:  “I release all resistance.”  Say it out loud and feel what happens to your body.  Review it regularly and see what happens with your manifestation.

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From Boredom to Bliss

Sunday, April 3rd, 2011

Years ago, when I was writing a daily message called Making Magic, I wove a short essays around the concept of bliss as expressed by Joseph Campbell. One of my subscribers wrote back that bliss just sounded boring. More recently, I was working with a client on releasing anger and resentment, and he said (half-joking), “But where’s the fun in that?”  A few months ago, one of my students admitted to being “addicted to the drama.”  And one of my friends has suggested I lack passion because I rarely react in some heightened way.

So, is bliss boring?  Is life more fun when it’s difficult?  Is the payoff for drama excitement?  Does passion mean heated?

I have never worked with anyone who wants to stay very long in misery, struggle, difficulty, or suffering. When I ask clients what they want instead, most of them answer with some variation of, “Peace.”  On the other hand, most people tend to fear boredom. Given the choice between difficult and boring, difficult often seems the lesser of two evils. Difficult might hurt, but at least it offers challenge, involvement, and the chance to come out ahead. Boring looks dull, dreary, mindless, and likely to erode one’s creativity. Generally, only as the scale moves from difficulty down through struggle and into suffering does boring become more appealing. Perhaps boring wins out over misery – but for some people it might be a close call.

But that brings us back to the question. Is bliss boring?

What does it seem like to you?  Quiet and uneventful?  The Garden of Eden without the snake?  Unchallenging?  Like reaching the top of the mountain with nowhere left to go?

There is something about reaching a difficult goal and sitting there with the treasure in your hands and saying, “Okay, so what?  Now what?”

The Easy Life

In Eric Weiner’s book The Geography of Bliss, the chapter on Qatar immediately follows the chapter on Bhutan. In Bhutan people still live much like they have for thousands of years, with few amenities, and dealing with the natural environment on a daily basis. In Bhutan, life is far too challenging to be boring. In Qatar, oil and gas reserves provided sudden and immense wealth almost overnight, and the natives now live encased in air-conditioned skyscrapers with servants to fulfill their every whim, and the government giving them money. Ease is a way of life.

As I consider my own life, I find myself living closer to the Qatari way of life than the Bhutanese–without the servants, of course. My home is tight, weather-resistant, climate controlled. I have hot or cold running water at the flip of my wrist. The surfaces of my house are all easy to clean, and I have an amazing assortment of tools and equipment readily at hand. Everything or anything I could possibly want is easily attainable. If I can’t find something in the town where I live, I can drive my personal automobile to a nearby city, or I can order it on the Internet and have it delivered to my door. I can indulge in exotic goods from all over the globe. Yet this lifestyle, by itself, does not produce bliss.

Perhaps the error is in thinking bliss equals ease. What if bliss really equals challenge–just an entirely different kind of challenge from that derived from struggle?  What if mistaking bliss for boredom, and then resisting boredom, is one of the factors that keeps us locked in struggle?  What would it take to move from struggle to bliss and transcend boredom?

Choosing Neutrality

The first step out of struggle is neutrality, and neutrality is the calmest of all emotional states. (Not bliss. Bliss is an energetic state.) Judgmental activities such as fretting about who’s right and who’s wrong, reliving past injuries, searching for personal superiority, flailing yourself for past failures, and agonizing over the future, consume (rather than enhance) personal energy. They demand your time, your attention, and your emotion, and they can complicate more productive activities. When you are free of them, you may not know what to do with yourself.

Boredom sometimes arises out of neutrality. All that calmness may stretch out in front of you like a flat, arid plain. Where’s the action?  Where’s the excitement?  Where’s the drama?

Most people are not bored with neutrality. Calmness comes as a huge relief, where they are content to settle in and make themselves at home. Without misery and struggle to trouble them, they lead comfortable lives.

This state of neutrality seems to be a sort of transfer station, where at least four significant transitions can take place:

  • Releasing of judgment. (Judgment in this sense is measuring, comparing, labeling and condemning. Please retain judgment as it pertains to reason and clear thinking.)
  • Letting go of resistance. Resistance takes many forms, including denial, control, obsession and resignation. Most interpreter emotions can be forms of resistance.
  • Opening up to infinite possibilities. From this transfer station, you can take a train to anywhere!
  • Moving from living by accident to living on purpose.

This forth transition is most essential if you want to push into the unknown, explore, discover, and create.

Choosing Purpose

Living by accident is reactionary. People who live by accident are subject to myriad external factors:  the weather, the economy, what’s in style, if they went to the right school, whether the flu’s going around, if the home team wins, the moods and impulses of other people, their car’s reliability, who won the election, etc. The best they can hope for is to respond well to circumstances beyond their control.

Living on purpose has two significant aspects. The first is taking full responsibility for every aspect of your life.

In New Thought circles, a popular response to serendipity is, “There are no accidents.”  I’ve most often heard this purposefulness attributed to the hand of the universe–as if we were all players on the game board of life, and some chess master in the sky is coordinating the moves.

I don’t think it works that way. I think the “winds of chance”–especially in connection with our own lives–are controlled by the energy generated by our emotions. Turbulent emotions generate turbulent energies, producing turbulent results. Fearful emotions will attract danger. Hateful emotions will produce malignancies. Resentment will produce blockages. Etc. Likewise, when we master our emotions, we master our energies. Love results in healing. Gratitude attracts in abundance. Appreciation draws beauty. Etc.

Choosing Mastery

Personal responsibility becomes the first step toward mastery. Many people long for the ability to manifest good in their lives, yet they resist accepting responsibility for their struggles. You can’t have it both ways.

Certainly, you don’t bring about the messes in your life all by yourself. You have lots of co-conspirators. No good comes from assuming responsibility for the parts others have played. Do, however, own your own contribution. Observe the emotions you supply, recognize them, acknowledge them. Take responsibility for them. Only then do you access the power to choose something else.

Creating

The second important aspect to living on purpose is Choice.

People who live on purpose not only value choice, they insist upon it. They are never stopped by indicators of “No.”  If they are presented with a stop-go situation, they will pursue multiple choices. They don’t believe in the no-win scenario. They will either find a way to make the current situation suit them, or they will go looking for more possibilities.

Choice is an absolute human prerogative. Almost every religion teaches free agency (although some of them put significant barriers around it). Free choice is essential to growth, to learning, to development, to mastery, and especially to creation.

More importantly, choosing is the one thing The Source (or whatever name you give the infinite) can’t do. This may be a difficult concept to take in, because if The Source is infinite there can be no limits on it, and so there must be no limits on choice.

Don’t confuse power with choice. Gasoline has power, but it can’t choose where to drive the car. Electricity has power, but it can’t choose which switch to turn on. The Source has power, but it can’t choose your path.

The Source doesn’t pick which team will win the game. The Source doesn’t decide which cancer patient will experience a miraculous cure and which will die. The Source doesn’t decide which country will be beset by wars and famines and which will live in peace. The Source doesn’t decide which job you should apply for, which route you should take, where you should go on vacation, or who you should marry – any more than it decides which color of socks you should wear today.

When you choose, and when you align your personal energy fully with that choice, you flip the switch and tap into the infinite power source of the universe. The more sure your choice, and the more purposefully you align your emotions with that choice, the more fully that choice will be realized.

So, what does this have to do with boredom?

Creating

Imagine you’re sitting in the sandbox of possibilities and you decide to build an extraordinary sand castle. Here are your some of your options:

  • You can ignore any tools at hand and push sand around and watch it slide off into shapeless mounds (and cry in frustration).
  • You can decide you like the sand just the way it is, and sit contentedly sifting it through your fingers.
  • You can affirm to yourself you want to create the castle you envision.

There’s nothing wrong with the first two options, but you choose the third. So you assess your available tools, you learn the ways sand and water work together, you bring water into the sandbox, and you go to work. Eagerly. As the sand takes shape, you get more excited. Your vision becomes clearer. You admire, appreciate and enjoy the sand. The sand seems to cooperate with you. There may be moments of frustration, but as your castle takes shape, you realize you are truly enjoying yourself. This is fun!

You are busy, you are engaged, you are solving problems, you are overcoming obstacles. You are creating.

Are you bored?  Or are you in bliss?

Using Eagerness

At the transfer station of neutrality, the signpost pointing toward struggle and misery always says Resistance. The signpost pointing toward happiness always says Eagerness. As emotions, resistance and eagerness are pretty equal in energy. It takes energy to put on the brakes, to withhold opportunity, to not move, to say “no.”  At the transfer station of neutrality, you can switch that energy to eagerness and step on the gas, let the doors open, move forward, say “yes.”

Bliss can’t be boring. Energetically, bliss is strong, positive, vital, infinite. When you experience bliss you experience oneness with yourself, with your talents, with your ideas, and with the universe.

With bliss, comes both the desire and the ability to create. Creation is never dull or idle.

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Growing Out of Victim Mode

Sunday, March 27th, 2011

As you may have noticed from previous articles, I don’t invest much energy trying to figure out why past events somehow ended up as present circumstances, why someone persists in self-destructive behavior, why a belief or fear took such a strong hold on someone, why someone is so resistant to change, etc.

Trying to answer such elusive why questions is much like a dog chasing its tail. You circle round and round and round and may never quite find the answers. On the other hand, when you forego circular thinking and focus on where you want to go instead, insights into why often appear.

Sidestepping such self-scrutiny, there can be considerable value in understanding some of the general aspects of human nature that may be keeping you stuck in less-than-desirable behaviors.

Generally speaking, most people operate from Victim and/or Interpreter modes most of the time. The energetic results of these emotions tend to be negative and destructive, leading to most human ills. Yet these energies are an undeniable aspect of human nature. We come by them naturally. To choose something else takes mindfulness and conscious effort. Today I’m going to focus specifically on Victim mode emotions, to see what it takes to evolve from them, to move through them, and to transcend them.

To see a list of emotions I’ve identified so far as Victim mode click here.

(I don’t claim this list is inclusive, and I recognize your definitions of these emotions may differ from mine. Also, I’ve arranged this list alphabetically, not in terms of relative strength.)

In 1915, Walter Cannon, a physiologist, described an animal’s response to threats as the fight-or-flight reflex. Since then neurologists have isolated the areas of the brain involved in this reflex. It seems to be very a helpful defense mechanism. Through most of human evolution, survival probably depended on it.

Many Victim mode emotions can be traced to this reflex, but if you examine the list, you will discover far more complexity than simple fight-flight reactions. Also included are the emotions that deal with the after-effects. If you fight and don’t win, you might experience agony, hate, loneliness, or woe. If you run away yet don’t escape, you might experience terror, revulsion, distress, or fury. If you do win but see your position as tenuous, you might experience malice, fanaticism, hate, or contempt.

Whatever the actual outcome, if you remain in any Victim emotion, you personally have little or no power. The emotion has it all. Your relationship to your “enemy” becomes irrelevant. The energy of these emotions is so strong, so encompassing, you must feel them. You can’t help it; they overtake you. The best you can do is submit.

Except for one thing. The emotions are yours. They belong to you. And because they are yours, you can still grab the reins. Bringing such strong emotions into submission may seem as difficult as riding a tiger. However, the only way to avoid being eaten by them is to tame them.

Before we move into some taming strategies, it’s important to note that no one is ever 100% a victim. When you look at your life as a whole, you will find instances of Creator mode, areas of Partner mode, occasions of Observer mode, and probably a lot of Interpreter mode. Sometimes you may Partner with someone or something most of the time, and only drop into Victim with a single aspect of that relationship. (I have often been both Creator and Victim where money’s concerned.)  Emotions fluctuate, and with them so does your energy and your power.

For those times when Victim mode emotions assail you, tame them.

Say “No.”

Imagine you’re caught in a violent storm. The gale’s so ferocious you can hardly stand up. You’re blinded by wind and rain. You’re totally disoriented. Loose objects come flying by. There might be a safety rail within reach, but how would you know?

Being caught up in the emotions of Victim mode is like that; their energy is as strong, as severe and as destructive as any hurricane.

But they don’t have all the power. You always have the power to say, “No more of this!”

You may not be able to calm the storm, but you can reach for that handrail. When you say, “No more,” you find the power to grasp it. You can then move into relative shelter.

Choosing to leave the storm requires conscious thought–and there will be tradeoffs. Are you ready to not be a victim?  Are you ready to assume responsibility for your results?  Are you willing to give up any payoffs you gain from your helplessness?  Are you ready to master your emotions?

Once logic says, “Yes,” invite your heart to join in. Can you acknowledge the part you play in your results?  Can you feel a willingness to be out of the storm?  Can you imagine stepping into calm?

When your head and your heart are aligned, it’s time to act. If you are besieged by anger, stop fighting. If you are beset by loneliness, reach out to someone in need. If you have been cringing in fear, stand up straight. If you are burdened with resentment, jettison the cargo. By your actions, declare you are finished with any emotions that have imprisoned you.

Recognize Your Part

Your contribution to any situation is primarily energetic. Do you let your emotions run amok, or do you master them?  Your emotions are the keys to your personal power. If you cede your power to a Victim emotion, you become helpless; you have little ability to withstand the trials and tribulations of life. Conversely, when you master a destructive emotion, you gain access to the energy of more creative emotions, and you can direct that energy any way you wish.

In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand describes a condition she calls “the sanction of the victim.”  She claims no one can victimize someone else without their permission. I believe this to be true. Your personal power is yours alone. Only you can hold it and wield it. Only you can throw it away.

The first step in owning your contribution to the results of your life is to acknowledge your emotions. You are not unaware there’s a problem–no matter how deeply you may have buried the emotions, the results are impossible to miss.

Can you name what you feel?  Can you identify the various components?  Anger, for instance, can morph into resentment, contempt, jealousy or hate–or some combination. Hatred may be comprised of despair, outrage, woe and mortification. Submission might be driven by distress and terror. When you know the components of the emotions that oppress you, you come to greater awareness of how and where you are leaking power.

Once you recognize what you are feeling, acknowledge your choice in the matter. Be willing to say, “I am choosing to feel _____.”

This may be absolutely the most difficult challenge in seeking shelter from the storm of your emotions. You wouldn’t want to be held responsible for a hurricane or tornado that flattens a town. Why would you want to take responsibility for an emotional storm laying waste to your life?  Nevertheless, the emotions are raging within you. To calm them, you must acknowledge them as yours. As soon as you concede you have chosen what you currently feel, you gain the ability to choose something else instead.

Negotiate

As you recognize and name your emotions, gather them into your hand. Imagine yourself in some kind of high-stakes game – poker, perhaps, or the stock market. Imagine your emotions are the cards. Since we’re discussing victim mode, let’s assume you’ve got a handful of stuff you don’t want – anger, resentment, woe, distress, outrage, for instance – and you’re ready to start negotiating (with yourself) for greater power.

Often, mindfulness produces insight. As you recognize and acknowledge your emotions, you will probably gain understanding of any value you’ve derived. It’s likely your feelings have been serving you well.

For example, do you perceive:

  • Your anger protects you from intimacy?
  • Your avarice saves you from poverty?
  • Your jealousy protects you from hurt?
  • Your resentment saves you from responsibility?

Every emotion provides a payoff. While it’s fairly easy to see the payoffs for emotions from Partner or Creator mode, the benefits of Victim mode are more difficult to spot. Yet there’s always a perceived advantage. You may not be able to identify yours, but you can guess, and a guess can get you close enough. Once you catch a glimpse of the benefits to you, you have an enhanced idea about how to play the cards in your hand.

  • Consider whether the “advantage” actually provides benefit. What, exactly, do you gain from non-intimacy?   Solitude?  Only if you like being alone. No demands?  Only if you hate helping others. No arguments?  Okay, but you may miss a lot of good conversation.
  • Imagine if you could achieve the benefit in some other way. Of course, you don’t want poverty; could you have abundance without being stingy and greedy?
  • Recognize the cost to you. Perhaps jealousy is  also costing you the one you love. Perhaps the fires of fanaticism are burning you up inside. Perhaps your anger has become malignant.
  • Believe it’s not too late. At any time (such as right now), you can choose to stop leaking personal power. You will immediately start to get a different result.

So, now you know the worth of the cards you hold. Since this is a one-person game, any deals you make will be with yourself.

Generally speaking, movement up the Modes Of Mastery Diamond is a growth process. A seed becomes a sprout, then a stem, then grows leaves, then blooms. The journey to calculus starts with arithmetic. High wire acrobats begin on a beam a few inches from the ground. Emotional development moves from wherever you are to the next step up the scale. If you are starting at Victim mode, the next step up is Interpreter mode.

I’ve been using the Victim cards of anger, resentment, woe, distress, and outrage as an example. What cards are you holding?  Are you ready to negotiate for something better?

Refer to the Emotions List and look at the options available to you in Interpreter mode.

Say you’re holding malice and you’ve acknowledged it. Now trade up. How about exchanging it for some annoyance, or bitterness, or even some animosity?

If you’re holding despair, moving to grief or dejection will be a step up.

If you’re holding outrage, when you let it go you might pick up indignation instead.

These are little steps, not big leaps. Moving from Victim mode to Interpreter mode is do-able. And by moving to Interpreter mode you access 100 times more personal power. You have 100 times the capacity to choose, to maneuver, to negotiate, to decide.

Keep the terms of the deal

Okay, you’ve tossed out what you didn’t want any more. You’ve replaced those old Victim emotions with annoyance, scorn and dejection. Now what?

Revel in your new choices. See how good they feel by comparison. Feel the difference in your relationship with your own power.

All Victim mode emotions produce helplessness. They make anything else seem impossible. They rob you of yourself. They own you.

Taking that tiny little step from Victim to Interpreter gives you options. You can take action. You can do more than hide or fight. You have a little more room to both plan and execute.

Of course, things will still look difficult. Interpreter mode emotions do result in struggle. So what!  You’re not the Victim anymore.

And once in Interpreter mode, you may find it easy and automatic to move on up to Observer mode

So stay the course. Grow into a new mode of being.

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Posted in Choice, Creator Mode, Interpreter Mode, Observer Mode, Personal Growth, Victim Mode | Comments Off

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