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The Creation Conundrum

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

Emotions are creative energy.

That bare-bones statement gives rise to all kinds of difficult questions with potentially untenable answers.  In The Secret of Personal Power I raised the question I find the hardest to get my mind around:  Do people who are truly victims of circumstance create the disasters that befall them?  I believe the answer is no. Good things happen to bad people.  Innocent people fall victim to war, famine, earthquakes, floods, genocide, illness, etc.

So  let’s draw a line between the victims of those kinds of harsh realities and someone who’s caught up in the emotions of Victim mode.  When such emotions as anger, hate, despair, fear, jealousy, malice, contempt and panic are raging, and you are caught in their power, you feel helpless.  Regardless of the situation or the actions of someone else, the sense of helplessness comes from overwhelming emotion.  Emotions in this mode have all the power.  You see no way out, and you function by reaction rather than intention.  Such reactions tend to of two types:  fighting back or giving up.

Since all emotions have creative power, when such Victim emotions are raging they reinforce, intensify, multiply, compound.  The more you reiterate your fear, the greater the danger will seem.  Dwelling on anger adds fuel to the fire.  Reviewing your hurts magnifies your pain.  Whether your emotions actually make the situation worse is irrelevant; the emotions get bigger, or deeper, or more dangerous, or less acceptable, and the nature of the situation will conform to the emotions.

And thus we encounter a creation conundrum:  Do pain and suffering create the emotions of victim mode or do the emotions of Victim mode create pain and suffering?  I think the potential exists for it to work both ways.

Interpreter Power

When you leave Victim Mode, you multiply your personal power by 100.  You no longer feel totally helpless.  You start looking for answers and solutions.  Unfortunately, the solutions you attempt rarely solve the problem.  You’re still sick, lonely, poor, unhappy, frustrated, anxious, skeptical, depressed, etc.  That’s because the emotions of Interpreter mode create struggle.

The hallmark of Interpreter Mode is judgment, and by definition judgment is non-acceptance.  Non-acceptance is resistance.  And what you resist persists.

In Interpreter Mode, you make up motivations, comparisons, definitions, descriptions and many, many other forms of stories.  In Interpreter Mode, these stories infiltrate your self-talk.  Whenever you make a declarative statement about yourself, “I am _____,” you have decided something about yourself, and by your declaration you contribute to the creation of you as _____.   For instance, if you declare you are humiliated, you help create a reality of humiliation.

Sometimes such statements summarize your current condition:  “I am tired.”  “I am frustrated.”  “I am enjoying myself.”  Such summaries come in three different forms:  complaints, observations and declarations.  If your statement is a complaint, it indicates you’re operating from Interpreter Mode, and you are feeling relatively powerless.  If it’s a neutral observation, you’re in Observer Mode, and we’ll get to that in a minute.  If it’s a declaration, your words have Creator power.

When you hear yourself complaining, you can immediately take a step into greater power by recognizing there must be other possibilities.  Those possibilities may not come to you immediately, but declaring they must exist takes you into Observer Mode.

So traffic is bad during rush hour.  Can you change your schedule?  Can you switch to a different mode of transportation?  Can you take better advantage of that block of time?  Can you create a different reality for yourself?

So your child is impossible.  Can you get to know her better?  Can you acknowledge her strengths rather than judge her weaknesses?  Can you discover what’s really bothering her?  Can you create a better relationship with her?

Of course, it’s possible to stay in Interpreter Mode while you’re looking for possibilities, but any form of judgment will entangle your options in resistance and struggle.  Use the tried and true brainstorming technique of writing down every idea that comes to you without stopping to evaluate.  You’ll be surprised how often the best option turns out to be the one you initially have the most resistance to.

When you form an opinion about yourself and make self-declarations based on that opinion, that opinion is likely based on limited or mis-information:  “I don’t like carrots.”  “I’m not athletic.”  “I can’t sing.”

Perhaps you believe you don’t like carrots because when you were little, your Great Aunt Hilda always served them creamed.  Perhaps you believe you’re not athletic because your family had a ping-pong table in the basement when you were twelve and you always lost.  Perhaps you believe you can’t sing because you’re measuring your ability against that of Pavarotti or Julie Andrews.  Whatever the reasons, the more you repeat these statements the truer they become.  Once they become true, you may hate carrots even when prepared by a five-star chef; you may refuse to attempt any sports, even those that don’t require speed or good hand-eye coordination; and you might enjoy singing with the church choir, but you’ll never find out.

The conundrum I find in Interpreter Mode is:  “How do I know what’s true for me vs what I perceive to be true for me?  Am I limited by my perceptions even if I want to create something else?”  Creating best good begins with choosing your wholeness first and being committed to what’s true for you.

Observer Power

When you leave the resistance of Interpreter Mode, you discover the emotions of Observer Mode create calm.  When you operate from calm you are 100 times more powerful than when you operate from struggle, and the creative power shifts from the emotion to you.

The “secret” of moving from Interpreter to Observer is simple.  Stop judging.

Recently, one of my clients  had been caught up in judgment in a couple of situations in his life.  In all other areas he felt calm and centered, but with two or three people he couldn’t forget the injuries he’d experienced at their hands.  He named the costs of holding onto his judgment (headaches, anxiety), and during our session I kept nudging him toward neutrality.  Finally, he said, “But that wouldn’t be any fun!”  With that statement he identified the challenge:  it’s possible to get a kind of perverse enjoyment from Interpreter level emotions.

Perhaps one of the things we look for when we make up our interpretations and stories, is evidence we’re not guilty, it’s not our fault, we couldn’t help it, someone else caused this, it was an accident, nobody’s perfect, we tried our hardest.  Etc.  We resist the very possibility we played a role or own a share of the responsibility.  Well, stop judging.  Extend compassion to yourself and others.  When you do, you create room for growth and development.

When your observations come from curiosity, patience or hope, you create and expand your choices.  When you relax rather than resist, your entire body responds and you enjoy greater health and well-being.  Whereas judgment is harsh and unbending, neutrality is soft and fluid.

Because the hallmark of Observer Mode emotions is neutrality, the energy you experience changes.  Because you are not in constant conflict, you are not in constant tension.  You are safe, sheltered from the storm, freed from conflict, in the now.  Adversity looses its sting.  You may know you still face challenges, you are not intimated by them.  You may know times are still tough, you recognize it’s temporary.  You recognize you have accessed the power to:

  • Change at least some aspects of the situation.
  • Change your perception of the situation.
  • Look for options.
  • Trust your intuition.
  • Choose the emotions you want to feel.

My client’s statement, “But that wouldn’t be any fun!” gives rise to the Observer conundrum:  Do conflict and challenge mean the same thing, or is challenge without conflict possible?  In my experience it’s totally possible to have challenge without conflict .

Observer Mode is the most slippery of all the modes because there’s no such thing as an objective observer.  As soon as you observe something, you put it in context of your life, your values, your preferences, your expectations, your aspirations.  You become the subject of your observation, and you will move in one direction or another.  You will either slide back into Interpreter Mode, or you will edge into Partner Mode.  The direction you move will depend on whether you choose judgment or cooperation.

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

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Neutralizing Fear

Sunday, November 20th, 2011

I’ve often heard it postulated the most universal fear is fear of death, and I disagree.  I believe fear of the unknown is far greater.

As human beings, we like safety, security, constancy, predictability, permanence, and tradition.  To varying degrees, such assurances give us confidence.  Decisions are easier when we know what the options are.  We like reunions (or not) because we know what to expect.  Trips are easier to plan when we have road maps and hotel directories.  We like menus, study guides, business plans, instruction books, teacher and mentors.  Most of us prefer the smooth-running to the eventful.  If we could avoid accidents, we would.  Some people would avoid all surprises if they could.

By contrast, the unknown often feels unsafe, unpredictable, indefinite, risky, and dangerous.

Of course, we have individual tolerances for the unknown.  We all have areas where we’re willing to take risks and areas where we’re not.  You might be fine with financial risks and cautious about relationships.  Your partner might be fine with emotional risks and fearful in matters of health.  Your child might be a daredevil on his skateboard and unwilling to even breathe the aroma of a strange food.

I believe fear of the unknown lies at the heart of every fear.  For instance, say you’re afraid of speaking in public.  Perhaps your insecurity arises from what people will think.  Or perhaps you fear you might stutter or lose your place or forget what you plan to say.  In both cases, it’s the unknown:  you don’t know what people think; you don’t know whether you’ll falter.  If you knew people liked you, or you knew you would carry it off, you wouldn’t be afraid (or not as afraid).

Or say you’re afraid of flying.  The unknowns include the competence of the pilot, the air-worthiness of the plane, the weather conditions, and other air traffic, not to mention freaky things like wind shears, collisions with birds, and anything else your creative imagination supplies.

Or say you’re afraid of getting your heart broken.  The unknown you fear can take many guises, and the guise it takes will influence your choices.  If you’re afraid you are unworthy of love, you may never date again.  If you’re afraid there aren’t any good ones left, you may never date one person for long enough to find out.  If you’re afraid the other person is unwilling to make a long-term commitment, you may look for reasons to break it off first.

If you’re afraid of losing your job, perhaps it’s because you don’t know what might happen when money isn’t coming in (so you make something up).  If you’re afraid of driving at night, perhaps it’s because you can’t see far enough into the dark to know what’s out there.  If you’re afraid to look deep inside yourself, perhaps it’s because you don’t know who you’ll find.

Every human being has a deep, infinite reserve of power, although most of us hoard our power as if in a locked trunk.  Unlocking the truck and accessing our own power may be one of the key aspects of finding our purpose and living it.  The more “safely” we keep our power locked away, the more we operate from Victim Mode.  The emotions of Victim Mode serve as sentries, separating us from our own power.  We own the power, it’s deep within us, but we have somehow accepted the role of vassal to our emotions.  Any movement out of Victim Mode is a move toward mastering our emotions.

Fear is such an effective sentry it convinces us our power has been neutralized.  Following are several strategies for reversing the process.  When you neutralize fear, you gain access to your power.

Gain Knowledge

Because fear of the unknown is at the heart of all fear, when you expand the known you reduce the unknown and thus reduce fear.  Gaining knowledge is the simplest of all methods, and any of the following practices will help:

  • Study what you don’t know.
  • Research the facts using reliable sources.
  • Ask questions rather than make assumptions.
  • Practice and gain proficiency.
  • Invest time and energy in developing relationships you can trust.
  • Seek out teachers and mentors.

Going back to the above examples, the more you speak in public, the more skill you gain, and the less likely you are to stutter, or lose your place, or forget what you wanted to say.  Sufficient research can provide you with statistics about flying generally and factors contributing to accidents specifically.  Taking the time to develop a trust relationship with someone can reassure you your heart is safe.

Reframe your Story

One of the most typical ways of trying to resolve the unknown is to fill in the blanks.

Since you don’t know what the audience is thinking, your mind shuffles the deck of possibilities and pulls a card:  They think this isn’t going to be worth their time. You accept the first drawn card as the answer.  The unknown has been revealed and your fear is allayed; except now you’re embarrassed, frustrated, insecure, or even angry.

Since you can’t know the competence of your pilot, your mind draws a card:  He’s likely to fall asleep on the job. Now you’re more afraid than ever.

Or after dinner one night your date’s credit card has expired.  You offer to pay, but your mind draws the card:  Freeloader. Ah, one question is answered, but another unknown keeps the fear alive: What if he’s totally financially irresponsible?

A coaching friend of mine shared her reframing policy with me.  She said every time she imagines a negative possibility, she forces herself to think of three equally-likely positive possibilities.

The audience could as easily be thinking:  I’ve heard good things about this speaker! Or Good dresser. Or I never thought of that before.

The pilot could as easily be fresh from a good night’s sleep, or one of the airline’s best, or particularly savvy about weather patterns.

Your date could be a)  Forgetful.  When his new card came in the mail he neglected to activate it.  b)  Moving.  His new card is in the box of papers he’s moving from his old apartment to his new, and he’s a bit harried right now.  c)  Changing banks and the old bank closed his account one day early.

By insisting your mind draw several cards from the deck of possibilities, you avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions with insufficient evidence.  You still don’t know if any of the possibilities you come up with is correct, but you are a bit more willing to accept the unknown.  Such acceptance of the unknown goes a long way toward neutralizing your fear of it.

Meet Fear Head-on

Perhaps you often face your emotions.  Are you more likely to reinforce the emotion you’re experiencing, or confront it with something else?  People generally meet fear with more fear, anxiety with more anxiety, worry with more worry, etc.  This will put you in a repetitive, reinforcing loop.  The more you worry the more worry you feel, which you meet with more worry.  It’s like a leaf caught in an eddy, circling endlessly around with no ability to push back into the current.  Or like adding fuel to an already raging fire.

You can, however, meet an unwelcome emotion with its opposite, which effectively cancels them both out.  In Buddhism this is called applying the antidote to the destructive mental state.  My source for this insight* indicated there was a specific antidote for each negative emotion.  In my work with clients, however, I ask them to identify the emotion they’re feeling then choose the positive emotion that seems most appropriate as the antidote.

When you’re experiencing fear (or any other Interpreter Mode emotion), imagine its opposite.  You might choose love as the opposite of fear, hope as the opposite of anxiety, curiosity as the opposite of uncertainty, meekness as an antidote for doubt, or serenity as an antidote to worry.  If the antidotes I’ve suggested don’t resonate with you, find one that does.  Once the positive and negative have cancelled each other out, you can continue to evoke the positive emotion and powerfully establish that as your state of being.

Move up a Level

As you may recall, fear is a Victim Mode emotion.  When you are consumed by fear, you probably believe you have no power.  (Actually, your full power exists within you at all times.)  The instant you realize you have sufficient power to choose one of these strategies, you crack open the lid of your inner power chest.  When you access just a tiny ray of your power, enough to say, “I’m tired of being a victim,” you immediately move to Interpreter Mode.   And Interpreter Mode has 100 times more power than Victim Mode.

You don’t have to know how you will stop being afraid.  You don’t have to actually deal with the fear or its causes.  You don’t even have to choose what you want instead.  Try this 3-step process.

  1. Get in touch with whatever you are feeling.
  2. Name it.
  3. Say you want to be done with it.

Through recognition, acknowledgment and this small acceptance that something else is possible, you access enough of your power to move from Victim to Interpreter.

Perhaps you’re not experiencing a Victim level of fear, but feel some Interpreter version of it such as alarm, anxiety, defensiveness, doubt, dread, embarrassment, insecurity, wariness or trepidation.  The process still works:  Recognize the emotion you’re experiencing, acknowledge it by naming it, then let go of the judgment embedded within it.  Whether you’re judging someone else, the situation, or yourself, give up judgment and you instantly move to Observer Mode.  And Observer Mode has 100 times more power than Interpreter Mode.

Make Peace with Your Fear

This final strategy is both the most difficult and the most effective.  For it to be effective you must first own your fears.  You created them.  You adopted them.  You have nourished them.  You possess them.

Imagine you have erected a protective wall around yourself in an effort to keep out the unknown.  Because the wall itself wasn’t quite sufficient, you hired a dragon to guard the gate.  Then, to be sure of the dragon, you staked it right outside your door.  Because you fed and tended the dragon, it grew stronger and fiercer.  Since installing it, you’ve probably discovered it’s powerless to keeps the unknown away from your gate – but it does a swell job of keeping you imprisoned inside.

Your fears are like this dragon.  To free yourself, you have to free the dragon.  To free the dragon you have to walk right up to it.  Make peace with it.  Ask it to show you everything it’s got.  From your current perspective, you think your dragon is all teeth and claws and barbed tail.  That’s what fear does to us.  It appears to be the danger, it becomes the unknown.  Yet, in reality, it’s merely the way we’ve contrived to protect ourselves.

If you are willing to approach your fears in peace, you will discover your dragon has a deep desire to defend you, to honor you, to obey your every wish.  To convince your fears you no longer need them, step past them and take a good look at whatever you believed you needed protection against.

Should you discover a real threat, use real means to disarm it or defend against it.  Fear itself can do neither.  More likely, as you venture into the unknown, you will discover a stranger who’s willing to be a friend, an adventure inviting you to climb aboard, a wilderness waiting to be explored, an opportunity ready to be exploited, new information available for assimilation, or some aspect of yourself you’ve neglected.  The unknown may even be the milieu of your best good, if you’re willing to free your dragon.

I challenge you to take the very first step to neutralize something you fear:  Choose to be done with it.

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The Power of the Question

Sunday, November 13th, 2011

A women walks into a house that isn’t hers.  She scans the living room and opens the drawers in the end tables.  Shaking her head, she closes them and finds the bedroom.  She opens the drawers in the bedside tables.  Again, shaking her head, she checks the top dresser drawers.  In the last one, she spots a letter-sized envelope quite full of something.  With a satisfied smile, she leaves the house, turning off the lights behind her.

What just happened?  What questions are you asking?

With so few facts, anything you come up with is pure conjecture.  So let’s consider a scenario in which you have a bit more information.

Your 12-year old son is late coming home from school.  You have an appointment for him with his orthodontist in half an hour.  Sometimes he hangs out with kids you don’t much like.

What are your assumptions?  What questions are you asking?

Let’s take a few more real-life situations:

  • Your best bud lands a primo job, and you’re not to first to hear the news.
  • Without including you in the final meeting, your partner wraps a deal with a client who made first contact with you.  Of course, your business gets the business, but it’s the principle of the thing.
  • At your place of work, security cameras have been installed in the restrooms.  No advance notice was given.
  • A group of your good friends do something together, and they don’t include you.

What conclusions do you draw?  Based on what assumptions?

When such things happen to you, you probably begin to make up a story.  The story you come up with will depend on the questions that pop into your head.  And those questions will reflect your state of personal power.

(As I’m writing this, a street-cleaning truck is making its eighth or ninth pass along my street.  My mind is leaping to some very judgmental conclusions about abuse of tax-payer money.)

Questions focusing on either defense or offense reflect Victim Mode.

Questions focusing on causation, motivation, limitation, reciprocity or reparation reflect Interpreter Mode.

Questions focusing on values, preferences, desires, responsibility or self-identity reflect Observer Mode.

Questions focusing on gratitude, expansion, growth, manifestation, attraction or humor reflect Partner Mode.

Questions focusing on wisdom, mastery, unity, peace, being, love, happiness or creation reflect Creator Mode.

So let’s look at the opening scenario and add a couple more facts.  The house is next door to yours. You haven’t seen your neighbor in a couple of days.  The woman doesn’t have a key, but she finds the spare with only a little poking around (and after checking to make sure no one is watching).  The envelope looks suspiciously like it’s full of cash.

As the witness to this event, questions are racing through your mind.  The following chart shows some of the questions that occurred to me.  Just for fun, evaluate my questions in terms of the modes of personal power and see what my questions tell about me.  On the chart, put an X in the box of the mode you think categorizes the question.  If other questions have occurred to you, I challenge you to evaluate them and see what they say about you.

Question

V

I

O

P

C
What the hell is going on here?
Is this woman on the up-and-up?
Should I call the police?
What if she’s getting something at the request of the owner ?
Does she know what’s she looking for, or is she foraging?
What kind of business is  my neighbor in?
What kind of trouble are my neighbors in?
How can I help?
How can I hinder?

In this fictional scenario, we are merely a witnesses.  Most of the situations in your life are more personal, dealing with your family, your job, your health, your finances, your friends, neighbors, co-workers, bosses, clients, etc.   Because your situations and experiences are personal, your questions are personal.  You want to know who, what, why, when, where, and how.  You want to know how the situation affects you.  You want to know what’s in it for you.  You want to stay safe.  You want to come out ahead.  Therefore, most of your questions are I based.

The questions you ask perform several functions:

  • They establish or reinforce your relationship with the other.  (Person, situation, object, habit, etc.)
  • They illuminate the degree of your personal empowerment.
  • They open up or close off possibilities.
  • They point you in the direction of your next choices.
  • They help you see into your own soul.

Let’s explore these functions in turn.

Empower Your Relationships

The questions you ask establish or reinforce your relationship with the other.  The instant you make an assumption about someone else (or something else), you contribute to the quality of your relationship with that person.  You form assumptions based on expectations, past experiences, the values you hold, and myriad other influencing factors.  Your assumptions form the basis of your questions, which in turn lead to more assumptions, and thus you contribute to the quality of your relationships.  Consider the scenario of the 12-year-old who’s late coming home from school.

If you assume his no-good friends have induced him into some forbidden activity, you contribute to a conflicted relationship with him.  If you assume he probably stayed late at school to finish an extra-credit assignment, you contribute to a supportive relationship with him.  Of course, your assumption might be wrong, but the emotion underlying your assumption will influence your relationship with your son.

So, based on your emotions, which of these questions would you be asking?

  • Why does he always do this to me?
  • Why can’t he remember to check the time?
  • How can I track him down?  (And when I do, what will I say to him?)
  • What am I going to tell the orthodontist?
  • Is he ever going to grow up?
  • How can I create logical consequences so he can learn from his choices?

Access More of Your Power

The questions you ask illuminate the degree of your personal empowerment.  The amount of personal power you feel slides up and down with the range of your emotions.  Sometimes you feel confident, other times you feel helpless.  When you feel confident you’re more likely to ask constructive, progressive, intuitive questions.  When you feel helpless your questions are more likely to be defensive, suspicious, even destructive.

Your access to your personal power may ebb and flow.  The power itself is always on.  It does not come and go.  Your true power is steady, always available and infinite.  It exists full-strength, like a 500 watt light bulb – but with a dimmer switch.  If you feel powerless, you have adjusted the switch to low.  If you want to increase the radiance of your personal power, switch from powerless questions to empowered questions.

For instance, say one of your close friends throws a party and doesn’t invite you.  From interpreter mode, you might ask questions such as:

  • Did I offend him or something?
  • Doesn’t he like me anymore?
  • Has he forgotten all the times I’ve put him first?
  • How would he feel if I treated him like that?
  • What’s wrong with me that people keep treating me this way?

To turn up your dimmer switch, switch to such questions as:

  • What’s more important to me, my hurt feelings or my friendship with him?
  • Is there some connection between the people he invited that I don’t share?
  • What if the party was spur-of-the-moment, and he knew I wouldn’t be available?
  • What kind of person do I want to be?

Expand Your Possibilities

The questions you ask open up or close off possibilities.  As you will recall from the Modes of Power Diamond, Victim Mode sees impossibilities, Interpreter Mode sees difficulties, Observer Mode sees possibilities, Partner Mode sees probabilities, and Creator Mode sees inevitabilities.  Your view is the degree to which you believe something is possible.  Someone else in a similar situation will likely have a completely different sense of the potentialities.  And their view may be completely different from what is actually possible to someone in creator mode.

Always, in every situation, a wealth of possibilities exists – whether you see them or not.  However, only the ones you see are available to you.  Imagine you found yourself in a room with invisible doors.  From your perspective there’s no way in or out.  Then someone hands you a pair of magic glasses, and as soon as you put them on a door appears.

If you want to possess a pair of magic glasses and see the hidden doors of possibility, start asking different questions.  The following types of questions keep the doors of possibility shut tight:

  • Why do things always go wrong for me?
  • What if this is just my fate?
  • Am I getting my fair share?
  • Why is he so mean to me?
  • What if I never get better?

By comparison, the following types of questions turn troubles into opportunities:

  • Where’s my power in this situation?
  • What can I be grateful for in this situation?
  • What am I learning about myself in this situation?
  • What do I want instead?
  • What if she’s hurting as much as I am?
  • What can I do differently?

Strengthen Your Choice

The questions you ask point you in the direction of your next choices.  Conscious choice is one of the most powerful attributes of being human.  Almost every minute of every day, you stand at a choice point; you could turn left or right, sit or stand, speak or be silent.  Happily, for a huge percentage of these choice points, you’ve created a system or developed a habit and you function instinctively rather than by conscious choice.  Once you’ve established the habit of brushing your teeth, you’re not faced with a 3-times-a-day evaluation process.

You also allow the choice points created by your emotions to become habitual, and this may not serve you well.  If, every time someone comments on your life, you assume criticism, you spend most of your time playing defense.  On the other hand, if you decided to ask different questions, you’d enlarge your understanding (of the situation, of the other person, of yourself).  When you ask Interpreter type questions, you make choices that keep you in struggle and conflict.  When you ask Partner or Creator type questions, you make choices that empower you.  Different questions provide you with a different perspective, and more options will open up for you.

Observe Your Soul

The questions you ask help you see into your soul.  They may not determine your personality type, but they will reveal much about your emotional, physical and spiritual welfare.

In my last entry I drew a comparison between types of energy and the modes of power.  Now I’d like to draw a similar comparison between the modes of power and general well-being.

Victim = misery

Interpreter = unhappiness

Observer = neutrality

Partner = contentment

Creator = joy

If you want to evaluate the state of your soul, pay attention to the questions you ask.  Through the questions you ask, seek wisdom rather than answers.

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Creator Power

Sunday, November 6th, 2011

If emotions are energy, does this mean emotions are also power?   What is the relationship between emotions and energy?  Are they same?  And if so, so what?

There’s a lot of talk these days about energy in terms of sustainability:  energy needs, energy sources, green energy, renewable energy, alternative energy.  Our world is in an energy crisis.  Since the onset of the industrial revolution the need for energy has expanded continuously with little consideration of the down side.  The ability to produce more goods in greater and greater quantities has apparently outweighed every other consideration.  Mining and burning coal clearly cause illness and death, but the economic benefits have prevailed over such costs.  Only now, when the degradation of our environment has reached extreme levels, are we looking for “clean” energy.

Consider an energy spectrum of bad to good:

Toxic→Polluting→Neutral→Renewable→Pure

Now correlate this spectrum with the Modes of Personal Power:

  • ·Toxic energy  = Victim emotions
  • ·Polluting energy = Interpreter emotions
  • ·Neutral energy = Observer emotions
  • ·Renewable energy = Partner emotions
  • ·Pure energy = Creator emotions

Energy and Power

The neutral energy produced by and resulting from Observer Mode emotions causes no damage to the environment – or to you.  In this mode, you stop struggling.  You no longer feel a need to hold on, manipulate, fight, resist, withhold, prevent, monitor, dominate, or exert control in any other way.  You relax, surrender, drift, let go, let be, acknowledge, float, etc.  You just be. What is is.  You recognize how is not up to you.  You arrive in this mode by turning off the energy switch, by conserving.

In Partner Mode, you switch from off to on – but you have moved to an entirely different kind of energy than the polluting forms of Interpreter Mode.  Consider the emotions of Partner Mode in the context of renewable energy sources.  For instance, imagine appreciation as having the same delightful energy as a quick mountain stream.  Imagine confidence as having the same rising heat as a geothermal steam vent.  Imagine friendliness as having the healing warmth of sunlight.  Imagine willingness as having the same tenacious rhythm as the tides.  Imagine gratitude as having the same soothing energy as a summer breeze.  (Your imagination will likely come up with different correlations than mine, but you get the drift.)

When you experience emotions from Partner Mode, the energy of your confidence, appreciation, friendliness, willingness, gratitude, etc. empowers your efforts.  The energy you generate also empowers others.  The renewable resource of your Partner emotions can help those who are operating from Interpreter Mode to switch off the polluting energies of those emotions and become more sustainable.

As you’ll recall from the Modes of Power Diamond, personal power increases by orders of magnitude from one mode to the next.  (For visualization purposes, and without any way to actually measure it, I suggested a rate of expansion of 100 times.)  However, the energy cost is inverse to the energy gain.  When operating in Victim Mode, the energy balance is all cost and no gain.  Interpreter Mode is still high cost with little gain.  Observer Mode is neutral, it costs nothing and you get to keep all the energy you generate.  Partner emotions require some effort on your part (you have to erect the wind turbine) and then the energy is free; you get to use all you want with excess to share.

The Power of Creation

And now we come to Creator Mode.  The energy of these emotions is all gain at no cost.  Love is free.  Happiness is free.  Delight is free.  Kindness is free.  Peace is free.  Imagine if you had a direct power connection to the sun.  You could absorb energy from the sun without putting up a solar panel, without even going out and standing in the sun.  You wouldn’t need a battery to hold the energy because your direct connection would flow continuously regardless of weather or time of day.  The emotions of Creator Mode are like that.

Now imagine your connection is not with the sun, but with the universe, with the ultimate, infinite partner of all creation.  Imagine this connection is immediate and intimate.  It’s the air you breathe, your sensory awareness, the beat of your heart.  Creator emotions are that strong, that constant, that powerful.

When you operate in Creator Mode, your love will heal yourself and others.  Your happiness will create anything you want.  Your peace will infuse peace into every situation. Your enthusiasm will strengthen you and empower others.  You become the source of positive energy in any group, in any situation.  Creator emotions even empower you to reach across time and space.  You don’t have to be in the same location with those you serve.

So what would your life be like if you always operated from Creator Mode?  Would it be all peace and light?  A heaven on earth?  Unrelenting, boring bliss?

I don’t know.  That state of being is beyond my experience.  But the emotion/energy perspective gives me a way to look at it.

Infinite means no-limit, and in some ways no-limit energy looks more dangerous than inviting.  At their extremes, most natural and abundant sources of energy become “catastrophic.”  Consider tornadoes, tsunamis, volcanoes, etc.  From our finite human perspective, the effects seem destructive and disruptive.

And yet, such excesses of energy are the creative mechanisms of the universe.  According to the Big Bang theory, the universe itself began as an explosion.  Without the Iron Catastrophe, the earth would not be habitable.  Mountains are the result of tectonic shifts and volcanic activity. The richest soil on earth comes from such excesses as volcanoes, floods and glaciers.

I assume that as such energy extremes are rare in nature, so the upper extremes of Creator Mode emotions would be rare rather than constant.  Generally, mountain streams burble along, breezes clear the air, the tides ebb and flow, geothermal vents emit steam.  The energy’s there, and while the potential is far greater than we know, it’s also manageable and master-able.

The emotions of Creator Mode are amazingly powerful.  Powerful beyond our ability to imagine.  Creatively powerful.

This power can be engaged either actively or re-actively, although most of us experience it only re-actively – we love because others are loveable; we’re happy when there’s something to be happy about; we rejoice when there’s something to celebrate, etc.

Regardless of how we’ve come at these emotions, we have at least experienced them.  Such experiences are blessings.  They teach us what creator energy feels like, how our bodies respond to these emotions, and to recognize the power when we feel it.  They provide us with an experience base from which we can learn to actively engage the power.

Become an Active Creator

Knowing what love feels like, you can generate it from your heart and use it to heal.  You can heal your own illnesses and the illnesses of others.  You can heal ill-will, scarcity, loneliness, past error, or any other wound inflicted or experienced from victim or interpreter mode.

Knowing what happiness feels like, you can generate it from within and use it to create any outcome you desire.

Knowing what delight feels like, you can let it expand within you to reframe any erroneous belief.

If the difference between passively experiencing Creator Mode emotions and actively generating them seems a long way off, take a good look at what comes easily to you.  Identify what you have in abundance.  Consider such things as your talents, your skills, your intelligence, your family, your friends, your well-being, your home, your job.  Make an inventory of your blessings.

Perhaps you’re more in the habit of focusing on what’s not going well, on the things you want to fix, or improve, or heal, or transcend.  For this exercise, set those things aside and concentrate on what’s good.

Now review the emotions you feel when you think about what’s good.  What do you feel when you interact with people you love?  What do you feel when you participate in something you enjoy?  These are the emotions of Creator Mode, and you can transfer the energy of these emotions to any other area of your life.

If you would like personal guidance in mastering any of the Modes of Power, please contract me through my website:  kathyjacobson.com.  My website describes my approach to coaching, and also provides a way to buy my books:  Choosing Happiness and The Miracle Factor.

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The Power of Choice

Sunday, October 30th, 2011

Once, while exploring Observer mode with a client this week, I commented on the ways choices multiply as you become neutral.  With a laugh, she said, “But I already have too many choices.  That’s part of my problem.”  (link to Diamond of Power)

This week I’ll explore further the relationship between power and choice.  This relationship can be summed up with a single question: Who has the power and who has the choice?”

The Who in this question is important.  Even though we’re discussing personal power –  the power you have inside of you to be, to do, and to have – your power responds to and interacts with the power of others.  The category others includes every person you meet or deal with.  It also includes such inanimate aspects of your life as work, money, time, space, energy, sleep, tools, equipment, ideas, beliefs, etc.  Your relationship with others always has an emotional component, so when we discuss emotions and power, we’re also discussing relationships.

Let’s look at relationships, choices and power as they correlate to the modes we’ve explored so far.

Victim

In Victim Mode the other is always a “persecutor”, and that persecutor is perceived to have all the power – and therefore all the choices.  If the victim sees any options, the choice is limited to Fight, flight or freeze? Mostly, victims simply act as the situation demands.

Imagine for a minute you’re the one operating in Victim Mode.  The emotion engulfing you is fear.  You’re seriously in fear of your life, as if a snarling man-eating tiger were stalking you.  You can’t win in a fight.  You can’t outrun the danger.  So you freeze.  You try to become invisible.  With survival at stake, you will appease if possible, submit if necessary.

Or what if the emotion raging inside you is anger?  Fierce, unrelenting, body-shaking anger.  You’re not going to run away.  You’re not going to play dead.  No, by god, you’re going to fight, and you’re going to win.

Or what if you’re struck by revulsion strong enough to turn your stomach?  No hanging around here.  Run like hell.

For most people, most life situations are never that extreme.  Most of us do, however, experience instances or events when some emotion from Victim Mode overwhelms us.  I remember getting into an altercation with my brother when I was perhaps 20 years old.  I was engaged to be married and my soon-to-be husband had a front row seat for our little sibling drama.  I can’t remember the argument itself.  I do recall my brother pushed me away from the TV to change the channel (this was long before remote control), and I was so furious I kicked him in the back.

I’m sure I’ve had other moments of such rage in my life; this one sticks with me because we had such a special audience.  What amazes me, looking back, is the degree to which I was the victim of my anger.  I let anger take over, and in that black rage I acted purely on instinct.  I didn’t think.  I acted impulsively, lashing out with the handiest weapon, which happened to be my foot.  After I kicked my brother, my fiancé calmed me down and described to me that I could have ruptured my brother’s kidney.

In Victim Mode, the true “persecutors” are the emotions.  We become powerless in their thrall.  Our perception of what’s possible becomes so narrow we stop thinking, we can only react.  The emotion itself makes the choice for us:  fight, flight, freeze.

You can spot Victim Mode by the following clues:

  1. You’re engaged in a battle that consumes most of your thoughts and energies.
  2. There’s something you avoid at all costs.
  3. You are immobilized.

It’s possible to be in Victim Mode in one or two areas of your life and function quite effectively otherwise, but Victim emotions tend to be so strong and drain off so much of your energy and attention they impede everything else.

Also, it’s important to recognize that while in Victim Mode you cannot be the Observer of your own behavior.  You can observe it later, but when besieged by such emotions you do not have access to your power of neutrality.

Interpreter

When you move into Interpreter Mode the role of other is no longer filled by a “persecutor.”  Rather, challengers, adversaries, opponents, enemies, competitors, antagonists, etc. fill the role.   In Interpreter Mode, the emotion itself no longer owns all the power.  Rather, power shifts to the shoulders of the players, and the strongest player has the most power.

Of course, who’s strongest depends on who’s measuring, and an interpreter tends to grant the power of the measuring stick to someone else, either directly or indirectly.

For instance, if you need someone to acknowledge, validate or approve of you, you hand them the measuring stick.  In order to gain their approval, you must meet their standard.

If you aspire to something that seems attainable but elusive, such as wealth, success, beauty, holiness, style, happiness, etc., chances are you’ve adopted someone else’s measuring stick.  (The measuring stick can belong to some group of people.)

If you feel perpetually on the brink of disaster, you have avoided grasping hold of the measuring stick of your own security.  You assume that something others finds harmful must also be dangerous for you.

One of the consequences of measuring is a preoccupation with blame and responsibility.  You become so concerned with what they did or what they should do that you neglect your own part.  You want someone else to atone, to make it better, to pay damages, to level the playing field, to apologize, to come clean, to grovel.  Until the other acts in one of these restorative ways, you are justified in feeling resentment, anxiety, loss, deprived, miserable, unhappy.

At 21, I embarked quite naively on the adventure of marriage – and the marital tiffs began almost immediately.  I experienced bewilderment, frustration, misgiving, guilt, and probably a dozen other interpreter emotions.  My husband and I were at each other constantly.  If the house was a mess, I’d get defensive at the slightest indication of criticism.  If we couldn’t afford something, one word from me would send him into a spin.  Neither of us knew how to own our emotions.  We both wanted the other person to make things better.  “If he would only _______, I’d be happy.”   “If she would only ______, things would run so much more smoothly.”

About ten years into the marriage, I claimed my own happiness.  Again, the details elude me, but I recall sitting alone in the living room, struggling with whatever was specifically wrong at the time.  I said to myself, “No more.  I’m not going to let his negativity stand in the way of my happiness.”  That declaration didn’t improve the marriage – and I still operated from Interpreter Mode a good share of the time – but by that choice I  accessed more of my personal power.

You can spot Interpreter Mode by the following clues.

  • You feel others (people and situations) have more power than you do.
  • You want others to make things better.
  • Something (the situation, other people, yourself) doesn’t measure up.

The first step into claiming your power and claiming your choices is to become the Observer of your emotions.  (Link to March 8, 2009)

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The Gateway to Personal Power

Sunday, October 2nd, 2011

This week, I’ll focus entirely on the Interpreter Mode of personal power for the following reasons.

  1. Interpreter is probably the most common mode in human nature.
  2. I believe Victim and Interpreter emotions are the source of all human ills.
  3. Moving out of Interpreter Mode moves you out of the struggle.
  4. When you operate from Observer mode, everything becomes easier.

If some aspect of your life is difficult or unsatisfying, very likely you are approaching the situation or condition from Interpreter Mode.  You resist it, you struggle with it, and you are imposing a judgment on the situation, on other people, or yourself.  When you withdraw judgment, the struggle eases; when you stop resisting, the problem abates.

I’d like to share a little detail I didn’t include in the story of my bicycle accident a couple of weeks ago:  I experienced almost no pain.

My memory of the first days after the accident is hazy, and I seem to recall some soreness where the crossbar smacked into my thigh.  But the road burns on my face didn’t hurt.  I experienced no headaches as a result of the concussion.  My wrenched jaw didn’t hurt.  I hardly noticed the broken teeth.  I felt no after-effects from the surgery to repair my eye socket.  Of my own accord, I took no pain medications of any kind.  (I don’t know what they gave me in the hospital.)

I found this very curious, but then I found the whole thing quite fascinating.  I was more intrigued than dismayed with the assortment of injuries, with the concussion’s effects on my memory, balance and stamina, with having double vision, and by the rates at which different injuries healed.  But why so little pain?  The more I considered that question, the more it puzzled me.  About six years after the accident, I found a probable answer while preparing material for a seminar on happiness.

Observer Power

I did not judge the accident or my injuries.  I didn’t resist.  I didn’t struggle.  I experienced curiosity, relief (that it wasn’t worse), serenity and trust.  I trusted I would heal eventually, and I was willing to let the healing happen at its own pace.  I focused on how I could make the best of the state I was in, and I went patiently on with my life.  Later, as I began to work with my new model of personal power, I began to see I stayed in the modes of Observer and Partner.

My ability to avoid Interpreter Mode didn’t come automatically, or even naturally.  For most of my life I was very adept at such energies as annoyance, irritation, frustration, embarrassment, envy, guilt, hostility, misgiving, defensiveness and pride.  When I finally started to recognize the fruit I harvested by nurturing such a crop, I began to select different seeds.  I didn’t set an intention to have a “painless recovery from a traumatic accident”; I just wanted a happy, peaceful life.

After years of practice, the connections seem clear to me:  judgment equals pain; acceptance equals no pain.  All emotions and states of mind from Victim or Interpreter Mode generate adversity of some kind.

An Uneven Balance

Back when I taught novel writing, I began compiling a list of emotions as a “cheat-sheet” for writers.  Later, I sorted that list into the various modes and came up with my current Emotions List.  So far that list includes at least twice as many Interpreter emotions than any other mode, and 4½ times more than for Creator.  As I mentioned previously, the fight/flight/freeze mechanism characterizes all Victim emotions.  All Interpreter emotions share the element of judgment.  Observer emotions are neutral.  Cooperation marks partner emotions, and oneness is the hallmark of creator.

To access your personal power at the Observer level, you must be willing to leave judgment behind.  When you choose neutrality over judgment, most (if not all) the trials, tribulations and adversities of your life will ease up.

Living Life Now

This does not mean “bad” things will never again happen to you in your whole life.  I’m assuming you have no desire to retreat to a hermit’s cave and seek enlightenment through isolation.  I’m assuming you want to live, love, aspire, experiment, experience, and grow.  I’m assuming you will create new challenges for yourself – and if you don’t, life will no doubt supply you with some.  By thus engaging with your life, you will continue to gain self-knowledge, you will sometimes stumble and sometimes transcend, you will occasionally discover hidden pockets of judgment.  When you stop operating from Interpreter Mode, you will find more blessing than hardship in the events of your life.  Everything in your life will flow more easily.

The Gateway to Personal Power

So, let’s look at ways to become the Observer.  We’ll start by observing what happens in Interpreter Mode.

An event occurs and your brain responds with an emotion.  You experience this emotion somewhere in your body:  your gut, your throat, your heart, your lower back . . . somewhere.

You now have 17 seconds in which to respond to the emotion.  You can internalize it in some way – ignore it, act on it, think about it, bury it, etc.  Or you can dismiss it.  I encourage you to use those 17 seconds to acknowledge it, to become mindful of it.  Notice it and name it.  An emotion you ignore looks exactly like one you dismiss in that they both leave your consciousness.  However, an ignored emotion tends to take up residence in your body and busily generates its result.  (For instance, resentment results in neediness.)   An emotion you acknowledge and dismiss simply goes away.  This level of mindfulness is the very essential first step in accessing the power of your emotions.

However, if you don’t manage to dismiss it, here are two ways to deal with it:

You can deal with the emotion directly.  You’ve named it, now own it.  Say to yourself, “I’m choosing to feel _______.”  When you consciously take responsibility for the emotion, your subconscious mind recognizes your power to choose something else.  You will probably find yourself accepting this power to choose and instinctively choose to feel something else instead.

You can listen to it.  Pay attention to the story the emotion gathers to itself.  In and of themselves, stories help us make sense of a situation, make sense of the emotions we feel and look for options.  Unfortunately, in Interpreter mode the story always contains an element of judgment.

  • The story may be as simple as “That’s bad.” or “That’s good.”  “It’s her fault.” or “It’s all my fault.”
  • The story may assign motives – and the motives assigned will contain judgment:  “He’s stupid.” Or weak, or unconscionable, or a coward, or immoral, or wrong.
  • The story may rationalize behaviors:  “I just took the facts into account.” or “Given the circumstances. . . ” or “I couldn’t just stand there.” or “I wasn’t about to get involved.”
  • The story may deny options:  “I didn’t see.” or “I have to protect myself.” or “She made me.” or “I had no choice.”

Once you can see the judgment in the story, use an emotion from observer mode to retell the story without judgment.  For instance, respect will remove the scale of good/bad, right/wrong; compassion will reassign motives; humility will discourage rationalization; and courage will illuminate options.

You may find yourself in resistance to the emotion.  Perhaps you feel beset by anxiety, loneliness, embarrassment, ambition, doubt, envy, or some other interpreter emotion.  The presence and power of the emotion overwhelm you, and you want to be free.  Keep in mind that by judging it, you hold onto it as firmly as it holds on to you.

Open yourself up to it.  Say to the emotion, “Show me everything you’ve got!”  When you approach the emotion itself from the Observer mode, with curiosity, tolerance, courage, patience or courage, the balance of power shifts from the emotion to you.  As the emotion loses its power and you access more of yours, you discover it to be ephemeral – nothing but air.

Identify an antidote.  While every emotion in Interpreter mode produces an unfavorable result, each one also has an antidote.  I first encountered the concept of emotional antidotes while reading the transcripts of a symposium the Dalai Lama held on destructive emotions. The lama who discussed the idea said an antidote is specific to the emotion.  Not having access to his list, I’ve worked with clients by asking them to imagine which emotion would be the logical antidote to their situation.  We then work with whatever they come up with, and that seems to produce the results we want.  Consider the following examples, then choose your own antidote for your own Interpreter emotion:

Emotion =   Antidote

Doubt   =   Optimism

Frustration  =   Patience

Anxiety   =   Calm

Irritation    =   Niceness

Pride   =   Humor

We all operate across a spectrum of emotions.  Sometimes, in some situations, we’re caught by Victim or Interpreter emotions.  Other times we operate from Observer mode.  On occasion we soar into the realms of Partner or Creator.  When you can see yourself functioning mostly as Observer with shorter and more infrequent dips into Interpreter, you will also notice your fluctuations are elevated.  Sure there will be occasional slips, but as Observer becomes your natural state, Partner emotions will beckon more frequently.

It’s all a journey.  Where you are is where you are.  The choices you can see are your choices.  And your interpretation is your reality – until you choose a different path.

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The Power of Emotions

Sunday, September 25th, 2011

I ended last week’s blog with the statement:  “How is not about action, but about emotion, and therefore the how is as much up to us as the what.  First we have to choose what we want, then we must choose the emotions that will facilitate it.”  This week, I’m going to share my thinking about the relationship between emotion and personal power.

The more I work with clients, the more I see the best results come when I can help them focus on accessing their personal power.  Situations come and go; skills, tools and understanding go on forever.  Knowledge is transferable.  Wisdom and power are the keys of creation.  So I keep thinking about the relationship between wisdom and personal power, and I find emotion central to both.

Perhaps you’ve had the experience of being in the presence of someone whose emotions are running high.  The person might be excited, angry, happy, depressed or in love, and radiating the energy of that emotion until it fills the room.  Such strong emotions are often described in energy terms:  light or dark, hot or cold, fast or slow.

Perhaps you’ve been observant about your own emotions, and recognize the energy associated with them.  When you’re happy or loving, you might feel that as light, or warm or fast.  When you’re angry or sad, you might feel that as dark, or cold or slow.

Clearly emotions are energy.  Does this mean emotions are also power?

Emotions of Power

A couple of years ago, a model for different modes of personal power began to take shape in my mind. I’ve been using this model with clients ever since, and I’m finding it an incredibly useful tool.  I call it the Modes of Mastery Diamond, with five levels of personal mastery identified as Victim, Interpreter, Observer, Partner, and Creator.

The lowest mode is Victim, and the emotions of this mode include (but are not limited to) hate, envy, anger, grief and despair.  Someone beset by such strong emotions feels and reacts like a victim.

The strong, intense emotions of this mode tend to overpower the person experiencing them.  The defining characteristic of this range of emotions is powerlessness.  It’s important to note that an individual operating in this mode becomes victim to the emotions as much as to any physical threat.  In effect, the emotions own all the power.  Choice is limited to self-protection:  to fight, to run, or to freeze.

This extremely narrow range of possibilities is what puts Victim at the bottom point of the diamond.  If we were to quantify personal power (which we can’t), we might assign a 1 to Victim power, meaning not much.

Breaking Free of Victim

I see the next mode as the Interpreter Mode because the emotions of this level compel us to make up our stories.  The emotions of this mode include frustration, impatience, apprehension, embarrassment, desire and insecurity.  In this mode we want to know who, what, when, where, why and how.  We assign blame and we take credit.  We rationalize, accuse, explain, judge, and defend.  In Interpreter Mode we want to fix or destroy, reward or punish.  We assign winners and losers.

The defining characteristic of this mode is judgment, and struggle and resistance always accompany judgment.

Whether you are judging yourself, someone else, your situation, or your past choices, when you look at something as bad or good, you are operating in Interpreter Mode.  When whatever you’re dealing with seems hard, takes a great deal of energy, or seems like a battle, you’re operating in Interpreter Mode.

On the up-side, Interpreter Mode is perhaps 100 times more powerful than Victim Mode.  When beset by an Interpreter emotion, the emotion may still have a stronger grip on you than you have on it, but you start looking for options.  You may not like any of the options you see, you may feel it’s a choice between two evils, but you look for alternatives, solutions, and answers.  In this mode you will see more difficulty that possibility, but you can envision, aspire, set a goal.  If a Victim has the power of 1, an Interpreter has the power of 100.

On the down-side, it’s from the Interpreter Mode that we wage wars, seek revenge, hold grudges, demand restitution, want respect, get defensive, etc. etc. etc.

Stepping into Power

When we’re able to stop judging, we take a giant step up in personal power and become the Observer.

In Observer Mode we experience a significant power shift.  We stop letting the emotions drive us.  Emotions in this mode include awareness, flexibility, amusement, curiosity, gentleness, and hope.  In this mode, we leave the judge’s bench and take a seat in the witness chair.  In this mode we’re more likely to say, “That’s interesting,” than “That’s terrible.  We’re more likely to say, “It is what it is,” than “If only _____ would change.”  We let go of our stories.

The primary characteristic of the Observer is neutrality.  There is no good or bad, no winning or losing, no assigning blame, no taking credit, no struggle and no resistance.

The Diamond is wider in Observer Mode than any other because in this mode we see winning as well as losing, success as well as failure, plenty as well as lack, love as well as loneliness.  This huge expansion in possibilities and taking ownership of our emotions is what gives the Observer 100 times more power than the Interpreter.  On our totally arbitrary and unscientific scale, Observer has a power rating of 10,000.

The strongest technique I know for moving from Interpreter to Observer is to become mindful of your emotions.  Notice them.  Name them.  Acknowledge them.  Practice saying, “Ah, I’m choosing to feel frustrated (or angry, or impatient, or sorry for myself, or smug).”  By the very act of observing what you are experiencing – and not judging yourself for feeling it – you step into Observer Mode.

Choosing

I call the next mode Partner because in this mode we move from witness to participant.  We don’t just step into the game, we help write the rules.

The primary characteristic of this mode is cooperation, and includes such emotions as authenticity, cheerfulness, gratitude, affection and fun.  We left re-activity behind in Interpreter Mode, now we become pro-active.  We willingly take the first step, go the second mile, find the point of agreement, negotiate the win-win.  We welcome the cooperation of our tools and equipment, our associates, our adversaries, strangers, other drivers, our bodies, talents, and the universe.

The Diamond narrows in Partner Mode because we have sufficient inner strength to jettison the possibilities we don’t want.  We can discard failure and keep success, we can throw out lack and choose plenty, we can open the door to companionship and shut out loneliness.  We thrust aside what we don’t want in favor of what we do want.  By our choices, we narrow the vast range of possibilities we could see in observer mode into probabilities.  We begin to see that anything we want wants us.  We know choosing is both our opportunity and our responsibility.  We choose willingness over willfulness.

And as we continue our exponential assent into our own personal power, the Partner Mode is 100 times more powerful than the Observer Mode, which equals 1,000,000.  (Remember, these numbers are symbolic, intended to help us get a feel for the rate of expansion in power.)

Creating

I see the final and highest mode of personal power as the Creator, and the key characteristic of being a Creator is harmony.  Emotions of this mode include love, joy, peace, delight and awe.  When fully operating through the emotions of this mode, anything you choose must happen.  You are in a state of oneness with yourself, with other people, with the energies of the universe.  You are attuned to best good and you manifest best good.  By your choices, and through your emotions, you narrow probabilities into inevitabilities.

Again, accessing personal power at multiples of 100, the power mode of Creator is 100,000,000.  A bit mind-boggling, isn’t it?

Most of us move from one mode to another depending on the situation, our confidence in that situation, our wellness at the time, what else is going on it our lives, the strength of our beliefs associated with the situation, any other beliefs that may be in play, and a host of other criteria.  Things happen.  We react, or judge, or respond, or stay neutral, or choose something else.  Sometimes we actually create the outcome we want.  The power of the Creator is within each of us.  As sentient human beings, living in a place and at a time in history when choice has become our mantle, we have the opportunity to access all the power within us.

We process.  We struggle.  We try.  We practice.  We falter.  We feel.  We learn.  We grow.  And, of course, that’s what life is all about.

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From Soul to Heart

Sunday, August 28th, 2011

When the soul communicates through the heart, it uses emotions as the primary language. Of course, the more science learns about the brain the more we understand emotions are brain functions, just like thinking, memories, dreams and physical reactions. But that part of us we call the soul (or personality, or anima/animus, or spirit, or self) doesn’t show up on brain scans, so we can only speculate about it. And when the soul speaks to us through the emotions, we tend to feel it in our hearts.

From experience, most of us know emotions get tangled up with thoughts, can be veiled by other emotions, are often obscured by false beliefs, and become confused when in conflict with expectations, or are overpowered by the urgencies of the body. Because emotions are such strong forces, the messages can be difficult to discern.

When we understand what kinds of messages the soul conveys through emotions, we can more effectively tune into this form of inner communication.

Revealing Truth

I have a client who’s trying to make sense of a relationship. He’s with a woman he loves but they have serious communication problems, and even though they’ve broken up several times, they keep coming back together. He told me when he first started dating this woman he felt as if he’d entered a dark cloud, and he felt sort of panicky for the first few months. When they broke up the first time, he felt as if a load had been lifted off him. Yet he keeps being drawn back to her. He interprets the attraction as an indication they belong together, despite the other emotional indicators.

Emotional messages rarely project into the future. They usually have more to do with what’s happening now and what your soul needs right now. Consider the following progression of emotions:

  • Emotions from Victim mode, which include panic, fear, distress, etc., often say, “This is not a good place. Get out now.”  “Place” is usually a situation rather than a physical location. Among other possibilities, it could be a situation that’s dangerous either physically or emotionally; it could be something that’s not a good fit; it could be a toxic relationship.
  • Emotions from Interpreter mode–those that include some form of judgment–can also feel like “Get out now” messages, but usually the communication is more in the line of “Look at yourself through this lens.”  The emotions can illuminate beliefs, values, expectations, attitudes or structures that are not true for you.

It’s important to acknowledge such emotions. It’s important to recognize the ability of such emotions to leach away your personal power. It’s also important to value what they can teach you about yourself.

For instance, if you experience remorse for some choice you once made, what does your remorse tell you about you?  Do you expe­­­­­ct to be perfect?  Do you take responsibility for other people’s emotions and/or choices?  Do you believe expiation only comes after harsh punishment?

Ask yourself similar questions about any Interpreter emotion, and you may discover barriers that are keeping you stuck.

  • Your soul can speak to you using Observer mode emotions only when you free yourself from judgment. When you experience such emotions as curiosity, amazement, amusement, humility, patience and trust, the communications are filled with possibility–and you are able to see those possibilities. People become more interesting, the world becomes bigger and brighter, and opportunities abound.
  • When you open yourself to Partner mode, your soul will communicate to you through such emotions as appreciation, attention, reverence, serenity, pleasure and gratitude. These emotions are your soul’s way of saying, “Yes.”
  • Soul communications at the Creator level come in the form of such emotions as love, peace, happiness, joy, delight, and enthusiasm. The message in these emotions is always of oneness. You will know the oneness of all things. You will know you are never alone. You will celebrate life in every way.

Expanding Relationships

Through your emotions, the communications of your soul will help you learn from every relationship and expand the enduring relationships to new levels.
The first flash of a Victim mode emotion alerts you immediately to an unhealthy situation. If you’re in a relationship and you feel helpless, your soul is warning you that something is amiss. It might be something within you, in which case your first need might be to heal yourself.

Interpreter emotions are as likely to be messages regarding yourself as another person. Does your exasperation reveal an old challenge?  Does your loneliness expose an inner defense?  Does your meekness arise from unhealed wounds?  Does your disappointment indicate unmet expectations?

You can investigate the past, or you can walk away from it. Sometimes old stuff won’t let go without specific healing work. Often, a simple acknowledgment is enough, and you’re able to can move on.

For persistent emotions between those two extremes, I’ve discovered a delightful and revealing exercise:

Indulge. Identify the emotion, recognize it holds a lot of energy, designate a period of time (10 minutes, an hour, a whole day), and give your full attention to it. Immerse yourself in the identified emotion. Wallow in it. Support it with every story you can think of. Engage with it for the full time allotted. Do not let your attention wander. Truly, let your soul pour out the message of that emotion. Chances are, you will make some interesting discoveries about yourself, your choices, and the nature of the relationship. If, when your time is up, you don’t feel a keen separation from that emotion, schedule another session.
You can only begin to know someone else when you free yourself of judgment and enter Observer mode. Observer emotions allow you to see others for what they are. You become aware of their unique gifts, their talents, their abilities, their attitudes, their joys and sorrows. At the highest levels of observation, you might admire, adore and celebrate them. You will also recognize what they are not, and these aspects of them will not feel like deficiencies. Rather, what they are not will support and reinforce who they are.

You can only form a healthy, lasting relationship with someone when you reach out to them from Partner mode. When your soul speaks through willingness, affection, appreciation, respect, confidence and serenity, and the other person is equally confident and serene, you establish a bond with each other that neither time nor distance can sever.

Oneness comes when you internalize Creator emotions such as love, delight, happiness, peace, and optimism.

These communications apply to any relationship. Your soul says, “Change this,” using Victim emotions. Your soul helps you look at yourself using Interpreter emotions. Your soul presents possibilities using Observer emotions. Your soul says, “Go for it,” using Partner emotions. And your soul merges with the other using Creator emotions.

Strengthening Your Intentions

Your soul is your not-so-silent partner when it comes to your choices and intentions. The truer a choice or intention is for you, the more likely you will be to align with it and manifest it. And when it comes to what’s true for you, your soul is the most knowledgeable and reliable source of wisdom available to you.

  • Recognize Victim emotions as reliable signals of a need for change.
  • Let Interpreter emotions illuminate your barriers, your resistance, your doubts, and your challenges. Listen to them, then exercise your power to move up to the next level of soul communication. Opportunities and possibilities only become evident when in Observer mode. If you’re seeing difficulty, if you’re experiencing struggle, if complications keep coming up, or accidents seem more frequent than normal–you’re still in Interpreter mode. Become conscious and mindful of your emotions. Attune to the message of the emotion (the message is always to stop judging), and move in a different direction.
  • Attuning to Observer emotions will set you on an easier path.
  • The magical alignment of thoughts, actions and emotions occurs in Partner mode. Obstacles cannot exist at this level. You partner with yourself, with your intention, and with the infinite. You welcome teachers, you attract allies, you are alert to opportunities, you stride forward confidently, doors open, you experience some form of cooperation everywhere you turn.
  • At Creator level, you and your intention are one. Your intention simply is, and you simply are.

Embracing Your Purpose

When people say they want to live a more purposeful life, or they want to become clearer about their specific purpose, I suspect something inside them (the soul, perhaps) is urging them to reach out and give more to the world. I also suspect part of the message is to expand their personal power so they have more to give.

From working with many people who have reached this point, I’ve concluded every person’s purpose as two basic parts:  What we came here to learn, and why we came here to give. Sometimes these two aspects of purpose are intertwined; some people have to learn what they came to learn in order to give what they came to give. Sometimes there’s no apparent connection; the gift is apparent in the person’s talents while the lesson is in a completely different aspect of life.

You can know what you came to give by looking at your talents and abilities, and you can understand your ability to share that gift by looking at your emotions. Likewise, you can know what you came to learn by looking at what you find most difficult, and you can understand your willingness to learn whatever the lesson is by looking at your emotions.

  • Victim mode emotions will always be immobilizing.
  • Interpreter mode emotions will illuminate your relationship with either your talents or your challenges.
  • Observer mode emotions will provide you with a calm, solid place from which to practice, learn, interact, understand, and choose.
  • Partner mode emotions will unite you with either the gift or the growth. They will inspire you, deliver opportunities onto your doorstep, energize you, sustain you through tough times, and challenge you.
  • Creator mode emotions will bring you into oneness with your transcendent self.

Listen to your emotions as you listen to your mind and your body. Your soul communicates with you 100% of the time, using every available means to communicate with you.

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From Soul to Mind

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

In Alcoholics Anonymous they call the tendency to think too much “the paralysis of analysis.”  In his book Courage–The Joy of Living Dangerously, Osho says, “You were born as a no-mind. . . . If you were born as a no-mind, then the mind is just a social product. It is nothing natural, it is cultivated.”

I run across this theme all the time. According to many, the mind confuses the issue. The mind gets stuck in the story. The mind believes lies as easily as it believes truths. The mind manipulates the facts. Get out of your mind and into your heart. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Except human beings have this incredible brain. We think, we talk, we tell stories, we reason, we perform proofs, we translate, we write, we create works of art, we build buildings and roads and machines.

Everywhere we look we can see positive evidence of the mind in action. And yet, most of us have gotten stuck on an idea, or a concept, or a story, or a belief, and that sticking point immobilizes us, or points us in the wrong direction, or complicates a simple problem, or fuels a conflict. So, is the mind a liability or an asset?

Clearly, it’s both.

Sure, the mind gets confused, gets fixated, gets distracted, has obsessions, has blind spots, and can be unduly influenced by misinformation and misconceptions. The mind is also one of the primary means by which the soul communicates with the conscious self.  The ability of the mind to hear the messages of the soul seems directly related to personal power. The more attuned you are to your power, the more clearly the soul can communicate. Consider the following:

The Ability to Listen

The Victim mode of personal power is characterized by helplessness. The emotions that keep a person in Victim mode include fear, anger, hate, resentment and anxiety. These emotions are so strong they wrest power from those experiencing them. They create so much internal noise they overwhelm communications from the soul, making the message inaudible.

The Interpreter mode of personal power is characterized by struggle and difficulty. Emotions of this mode include frustration, irritation, envy, certainty, defensiveness and self-doubt. These emotions leach power from those experiencing them.  While not so blaringly invasive as Victim emotions, they still obscure communications from the soul, making the message almost inaudible.

Observer mode is the gateway to personal power. Characterized by neutrality, the emotions of this mode include a wide range of non-judgment–from indifference through amusement, curiosity and flexibility to gentleness and tolerance. When you’re in Observer mode the messages of your soul become fully audible, although you may not fully recognize them.

Partner mode is characterized by cooperation and includes such emotions as acceptance, respect, empathy, excitement, gratitude and cheerfulness. At this level the messages from your soul become meaningful.

The Creator level of personal power is characterized by oneness. The emotions of this mode include love, happiness, peace, delight, and joy. When experiencing such emotions, the messages of your soul become resonant.

On a continuum of sound, Victim Mode would be Inaudible, Interpreter Mode would be Barely Audible, Observer Mode would be Audible, Partner Mode would be Meaningful, Creator Mode would be Resonant

It’s important to remember that the various modes are not static. You can be in Creator mode at work, in Interpreter mode with your spouse, in Victim mode during a conflict with your neighbor, and in Partner mode when you cook. History is full of stories of tortured artists who experienced amazingly high levels of personal power in their creative endeavors but could barely function in “real life.”

If you want to gain insight into your personal ability to hear messages from within, you can graph your personal power with the following exercise:

  • List the various areas of your life or the different activities you perform daily. (Areas:  career, health, family, creativity, service, adventure, money, etc. Activities:  commuting, working, cooking, exercising, volunteering, caring for others, practicing.)
  • Consider the emotions you experience while immersed in the different areas or while performing the activities on your list. (Working–frustration, isolation, endurance. Health–resilience, appreciation.  Family–love, peace.
  • Find those emotions on the emotions list to discover your mode of power while in that activity.

The communications of the soul never cease or let up. They are always active, and when they are ignored, they become more and more imperative. Generally, the purpose of such messages is to help you move from wherever you are into your creator power. The more aware you are of the ways the soul communicates, the more open you will be to hearing those messages.

As we saw last week, communications through the body often take the form of ailments. Communications through the mind usually come in the form of ideas.

Two-track Communication

Most of us are aware the mind operates on both a conscious and a subconscious level. The soul uses each of these aspects of the mind as vehicles for communication, but in entirely different ways. Consciously, the soul uses ideas; subconsciously, messages come mostly through dreams.

Since I am not a dream scholar (and I rarely have dreams that survive waking), I’m going to skim over this one pretty quickly. Carl Jung was the first psychologist to see the correlation between dream images and myths. Because dreams seem to correspond with myths and legends, regardless of a person’s knowledge of the stories, Jung originated the phrase “collective unconscious.”  I suspect that when the soul communicates through dreams, it uses a language common to all souls. If you have vivid dreams, there are dozens of books available to help you interpret this language.

I am much more familiar with the messages that come through the conscious mind, using the language of ideas.

The active human mind generates thoughts, stories, and explanations almost constantly. The quality of this activity depends rather heavily on your emotional state. Emotions from Victim or Interpreter modes keep the focus on why me or how come, and these circular, self-absorbed questions block out soul-level communications. When in those modes, there is a tendency to look for salvation from without and reject the possibility of achieving it from within.

When you become the Observer, your perspective broadens and you see beyond previous limitations. The ideas generated by your mind are informed by the infinite nature of your soul. As you adopt and experience more emotions from partner mode and hold them for longer periods, you begin to recognize your ideas as true messages from your inner being-ness.

Let’s look at some of the forms these messages take,

Open Doors

Victim and Interpreter emotions impose limitations. When in the throes of such emotions, you may feel walled in, shrouded in darkness, beset from every side, tied down, chained, etc. The doors of possibility are always open, but they become invisible to you. As you access more and more of your own power, the barriers fall away, the sun comes out, obstacles dissolve, and you enjoy more freedom of movement. Your ideas start to feel like porch lights illuminating those doors of possibility. And you’re free to walk through any door you choose.

The walls of limitation consist of old events, old interpretations of those events, old reactions, old beliefs, old habits, and the burden of expectations–both your own and those of other people. New possibilities appear when you realize the old events don’t bind you any more, when you stop judging past experiences, when you choose new responses, when you revise your beliefs, when you adopt new habits, and when you release expectations.

Your soul wants to help you in these new endeavors. The more you listen, the more opportunities will present themselves. You can find the message of the soul using the reasoning power of the conscious mind.

Here’s a strategy you might try:

  • Consciously identify an area of limitation. (Money is scarce; health is elusive, you’re in a train-wreck relationship, etc.)
  • Describe the limitation and your experiences with it. As your tell your story, record it in some way. You might share it orally with another person, make a recording of it or write it out.
  • Find the emotions, the judgments and your behaviors embedded in your story. If you choose to share it with someone else, have your listener look for these aspects of it and take notes.
  • Review these emotions, judgments and behaviors and recognize them as indicators of limitation. Imagine them as the sides of a box that hold you in.
  • Think through them and find one or more you’re willing and ready to change. Choose what you want instead. Your new choice becomes an opening in the box you can step through any time you want.

Creative Bursts

Your soul is your primary creative partner. All your talents, abilities, skills, and instincts are well and strong within your soul–and they want to come out and play. Just as you can direct your mind to notice possibilities and take advantage of opportunities, you can open your mind to creative ideas.

Some people receive ideas as naturally as breathing. Some of us have to consciously stop staying, “I can’t.”

As a society, we tend to associate creativity with the arts and culture:  music, painting, poetry, dance, sculpture, photography, fiction, etc. Sometimes we hear of it in terms of creative problem solving, invention or entrepreneurship. I challenge you to consider that your soul communicates with you via creative bursts all day, every day. For instance.

  • You have something to say to someone, and the words come out of your mouth just right.
  • You’re seasoning a soup, and you reach for the basil instead of the dill.
  • You wear a blue shirt instead of a green one.
  • You rearrange your suitcase to make room for an extra pair of shoes.

At a deeper, more intuitive level:

  • You call a friend, and your friend says, “I was just thinking about you.”
  • You’re writing an article or a business paper and you sense what to add or delete.
  • You can tell whether your child needs to be challenged or reassured.
  • You know it’s time to leave a job, even though the financial data suggest holding on three more years.

You may read these last items and think, “That stuff doesn’t come from my mind, it comes from my gut.”  You may be right; it might come from your gut. Recent research is revealing neurotransmitters originate in the intestine. Some scientists are calling the gut the “second brain.”  Whether they come from your gut or your soul, they work through the mind when you are operating in the higher levels of personal power.

The Call to Serve

By way of the mind, the soul inspires us to serve. As the mind observes suffering and need, the soul triggers the ideas. We experience creative bursts of how to ease suffering and resolve problems. Even people deeply immersed in their own helplessness and struggle occasionally receive the nudge to serve–to rescue a hurt animal or soothe a crying baby.

As with all communications from the soul, your ability to hear increases as you access greater levels of your own power. In the areas of your life where you are strongest, your desire to serve will be strongest. In the areas where you experience the most difficulty, your soul will be more focused on helping you grow past your barriers and limitations.

However, because service always furthers growth, your personal growth and the call to serve can be closely intertwined. If some area of your life feels limited or stifled or stagnant, open your mind to the possibility of service, listen, and welcome the ideas that come to you. The communication channel is always open–like a 24-hour radio station. All you have to do is tune in.

These three ways the soul communicates through the mind tend to blend together. As soon as you become receptive to opportunities and possibilities, every open door seems to open fresh veins of creativity, and you gain a deeper desire to apply those ideas in ways that make the world a better place.

Welcome the workings of your mind. Your mind is an essential part of your infinite whole. Celebrate your ability to think, to reason, to solve, or be logical. By the same token, never be afraid of flights of fancy, of dreams, of strange thoughts, or of coming up with answers that don’t follow a clear logic trail. The soul communicates through both inspiration and reason.

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Incremental Steps

Sunday, July 10th, 2011

Last week I referred to the process I call “revolution to revelation,” going round and round – the same issue, the same kinds of experiences, the same challenges – until something you’ve seen or heard or experienced suddenly makes sense and transports you into new understanding.  Today, I’ll explore ways to make this process purposeful instead of accidental.

I think this kind of progress is important in accessing personal power and in manifesting what you want.  The art of manifestation corresponds directly to your relationship with your power. The ability to access the infinite power you already possess seems essential to your ability to manifest.

Accessing Power

When I first started coaching, I’d encourage clients to simply replace a disempowering emotion with an empowering one.  For instance, if someone was mired in resentment, I’d ask, “What do you want to feel instead?”  This seemed easy enough to me, except we weren’t achieving the desired results.

As I continued to study emotions, I began to see they fell into natural groups according to the results they produced.  These groups became the Modes of Mastery  diamond, and when I used that model, we started to see lasting change.  I realized real progress comes by moving systematically from one mode to the next.  Of course, you can experience a big leap and enjoy the resulting burst of exalted emotion, but permanent access to Partner or Creator power requires consciously mastering each mode along the way.  Since using a more incremental approach, I’ve been more effective as a coach, and my clients have experienced longer-lasting results.

Following is a quickie review of each mode:

Victim mode includes those strong, imperative emotions that result in a sense of helplessness.  You may be in a situation that initiates or contributes to a reality of helplessness, or you may be immobilized only from within.  Either way, such emotions as fear, hate, anger and resentment close off possibilities until it looks as if there is no way out.

Interpreter mode is recognized by judgment and results in struggle.  This includes any emotion that results in such judgments as comparison, blame, measurement, fault-finding, complaint and envy.  In this mode you have sufficient personal power to see possible solutions, but since the emotions produce struggle, the alternatives may seem to have more cost than benefit.

Observer mode is neutral.  The more judgment you can release, the calmer you feel.  As the observer you can see a vast spectrum of possibilities, and you are able to make more reasoned choices.

Partner mode emotions include any that connect and form cooperative relationships.  The range of possibilities begins to narrow again because you have the personal power to eliminate the options you don’t want.  The possible becomes probable.

Creator mode emotions bring you into a oneness with yourself, other people, the world, and the infinite.  When you live such emotions as love, peace, and happiness, the probable becomes inevitable.

When I assembled the list of emotions (included again this week), I put them in alphabetical order.  The emotions of each mode share characteristics, but they do not all have equal power.  I made no effort to prioritize them by strength because the words that describe emotion tend to mean different things to different people.  For instance, I might consider disappointment a deeply weakening emotion; for you it might be a temporary state.  I also included synonyms to assist in finding the word that best describes how you feel.  Trepidation and consternation may mean essentially the same thing, but you know if you’re feeling one or the other.

I’ve encouraged you often to identify the emotion you’re feeling, look to the next mode for an emotion that would be a logical step into a higher level of power.  Sometimes, however, your next “revolution” might take you to an emotion within the same mode, but one with less (or more) energy.

For example, this week, a friend of mine said she was feeling angry.  She’d asked a roommate to move out of her house, and feelings were running a high.  My friend already knew that by feeling angry she was giving away her anger to the other person.  She also knew she’d prefer to feel compassion, but that seemed pretty remote.  So I suggested an incremental approach, and this is how it went:

From Anger to Irritation to Disappointment to Sadness to Calm to Compassion

I suggested some of the steps; she suggested others.  At each transition, she felt her heart easing and her body relaxing.  The entire process took less than five minutes.

It often doesn’t work that fast.  If your anger, like my friend’s, is recent and not especially deep, you can probably shift out of it quickly – as she did.  If you’ve been holding it most of your life, you may have to take many tiny, incremental steps, then practice each step for days or weeks before you’re able to move onto the next one.

Wherever you are, identify an emotion you can move to fairly easily.

The diagram below illustrates the journey from fear to joy.  Because fear allows the least amount of personal power, it’s in the middle; joy, with the most expansive personal power, is outermost.  The progress each revolution makes is very incremental – and the time it takes to make one revolution will be very individual.

In actual practice, your starting place might be anywhere along the way.  Your path may not require as many steps as I’ve included.  You might identify your progressive steps with an entirely different set of emotions.  You may transition through some emotions so quickly you hardly notice; others might take a few revolutions.

Recognize the progression as a journey.  Also recognize each transition from one mode to another will impact every area of your life.  For instance, you may be anxious over something that’s going on at work yet staying in observer mode everywhere else.  Emotions, however, are as contagious within an individual as they are from one person to another.  If you don’t deal with the anxiety at work, it can contaminate the more satisfying areas of your life. When you address the anxiety and work your way out of it, the improved energy will also increase your power everywhere else.

Movement Strategies

The strategies for moving from one mode to another follow a basic do-have-be pattern.   Even though I’ve maintained this do-have-be cycle can begin anywhere, it actually correlates pretty will with the modes of power.

From Victim to Interpreter:

Because the primary characteristic of Victim mode is helplessness, the first step is to grasp the strands of non-helplessness that are within your reach.  Regardless of your circumstances, your emotions are nearest at hand.

Start by recognizing and acknowledging what you feel.  The more precisely you identify your emotions, the better.  Do you feel anger or fury?  Loneliness or contempt?  Hate or resentment?  Outrage or revulsion?

Once you’ve named the emotion, own it.  Your circumstances or the actions of others may reinforce a belief in your own helplessness, but no one besides yourself has any power whatsoever over your feelings.  Be willing to say, right out loud, I’m choosing to feel _____.”

These two things – naming the emotion then owning it – are powerful things you can do. The more you do them, the more you’ll empower yourself to choose something else.

If, however, the emotion feels too good to let go, be okay with that.  Maybe it feels right to be angry, or resentful, or guilty, or jealous.  If so, give yourself permission to indulge in it.  In fact, set aside a time to rant and wallow.  Mark 30 minutes (or 10, or 60, or a week) off on your calendar and make an appointment with yourself to really dig in and explore and expand and put your heart into it.  Then go for it.  For the full 30 minutes (or 10, or 60, or the whole week) focus on making the most of the emotion.  See if you can actually hold the emotion, on purpose and with intention, for the entire time you’ve set aside.

When you’re ready to move out of the disempowering emotion, choose your next step.  Keep it small and easy.  Big steps are intimidating and can set you up for failure before you even begin.  If moving from wrath to tolerance feels impossible, identify some interim steps, for instance

From wrath to anger to bitterness to indignation to irrication to exasperation to disappointment to sadness.

Once you reach Observer mode, you may be able to identify a pathway that could take you clear to Creator mode:

From sadness to tolerance to indifference to curiosity to amusement to acceptance  to sympathy to gratitude to respect to delight to love.

From Interpreter to Observer:

In Interpreter mode, doing is natural and necessary.  You want to fix, change, repair, improve, mend, control, construct, systematize, etc.  Unfortunately, the emotions of Interpreter mode are those that judge, blame, complicate, interfere, confuse, deconstruct, challenge, deplete, etc., and that makes everything more difficult.

To leave Interpreter mode, you must leave the impeding emotions behind so you can adopt the ones that will support, encourage, cooperate, and empower.  The intermediate resting place between judgment and cooperation is the calm of Observer mode.  The calming exercises I’ve presented before are very effective.  Here’s a quick recap:

To calm your body:

  • Breathe deeply.
  • Open your senses.
  • Be in nature
  • Expand your body from within.

To calm your mind:

  • Count your blessings.
  • Laugh out loud.
  • See truth.
  • Be present.

To calm your emotions:

  • Smile.
  • See beauty.
  • Be silly.
  • Evoke a neutral emotion.

(For more explanation, see “Calm and Curious.”)

Another strategy is to focus on the qualities of Observer mode emotions and implement them into your life – again in small ways.  Such emotions as amazement, curiosity, excitement, humility, awareness, resilience, etc. are also qualities you can practice.  When you let these qualities guide your actions, their energy becomes more accessible to you.

Consider such incremental doing steps as:

  • To gain amazement, try to be amazed at something every day.
  • To gain resilience, identify one thing you find threatening and find little ways to become more familiar with it.
  • To gain simplicity, analyze one of your normal routines and find one little step you can eliminate.  Or take one rarely used item off a crowded shelf and get rid of it.
  • To gain flexibility, observe your body and notice when it stiffens up.  Then review the situation and look for one little way you can bend.

From Observer to Partner:

Taking actions steps is a very strong way to move from Interpreter into Observer.  To transition from the neutrality of Observer to the synergy of Partner, it’s necessary to transition from doing to having.  Look at the list again and insert a have in front of each attribute.  For example:

have acceptance
have affection
have appreciation
have cheerfulness
have kindness
have modesty
have openness
have gratitude
have concern
have willingness

These qualities are yours for the having if you’re willing to accept them, receive them, access them, open up to them, let them come forth.  Of course, you can ask, “What can I do to show more appreciation?”  If you give that question your full attention, you’ll soon notice that when you have appreciation, doing it comes easily and automatically.

From Partner to Creator:

Creator mode is a state of being. You don’t have to act, try, work at, practice or perform.  You just are.

To reach this mode, follow the same process as moving from observer to partner.  Recognize the emotion you want to access and be the qualities of that emotion.

be cheerfulness
be enthusiasm
be serenity
be authenticity
be love
be joy
be peace
be delight

Remember, when it comes to personal power, nothing’s consistent or immobile.  We each have a personal range that generally spans three modes.  Someone habitually in Victim mode can swing into Observer mode, just as someone habitually in Creator mode will also swing into Observer mode.  Have confidence in the incremental steps of your own journey, and you will continue to move your personal range inch by inch up the scale.

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