Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

The Power of “What if . . .”

Sunday, January 15th, 2012

Since I started to see emotion as the key to personal power and to identify the characteristics of different kinds of emotions, I’ve been paying more attention to my own judgment patterns.  In some areas of my life, based on the results I enjoy, I seem to have attained a place of pretty secure neutrality.  Based on the results in other areas of my life, however, I’m clearly still in the struggle.

When I look at the difference in my results, I can see that if I try to use Partner or Creator emotions without first becoming neutral, my efforts are handicapped by my interpretations, by the stories I’ve come up with to explain, to rationalize, to accommodate, or to place blame.  And the strongest way to eliminate judgment is to become the Observer, to employ neutral emotions.

From my own experience it seems the path to personal power is one step at a time.  You can’t simply leap from Victim mode to Partner mode.  If you’re stuck in the mud you have no traction.  You have to achieve the leverage of solid ground, and that’s what Observer mode provides.

An area of challenge for me has been my purpose.  About fifteen years ago, I got a sense of purpose far bigger than I could identify with.  I didn’t deny it exactly, but for at least ten years I wrestled with it, struggled with how, side-stepped it, and tried to make it small enough to reconcile.  Choosing to become a life coach was my first straight-forward, head-on move in the direction of that purpose, but I still couldn’t quite put it into words.  Eventually I came to peace with it as, “I teach wisdom and personal power.”  I stopped fighting it, stopped struggling with it, acknowledged it, and stopped judging myself as insufficient to the task.  After that things got easier.  My coaching practice blossomed, and the quality of my coaching improved.

But something was still missing.  Since coming up with the Diamond Of Mastery and using it as a coaching tool, I’ve realized how much I’ve been in Interpreter mode.  I still doubted my abilities, doubted I was the right person for the job, doubted I knew enough.  Yet I kept trying to leap straight from the mire to the mountain top.  So I started practicing acceptance, willingness, wonder, and courage.  As a result, when I sit down to write, the ideas come much more easily and the words flow.

And this personal understanding of the importance of starting from where I am has given me new understanding of where my clients are and how to help them start from where they are.

How do you measure?

Recently I was working with a long-time client from where she is, which is locked into a belief of good and bad.  She has a long list of criteria for being a good person, and if she can’t live up to that list (no one could) she’s a bad person.

I asked her what it would feel like if there was no such thing as bad or good.  She said it would feel good, easier, but she kept arguing in favor of the measuring stick.

Of course, we’re all in the habit of measuring, evaluating, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best choice.  However, we don’t make decisions based on logic; we make decisions using emotion.  (Individuals who have lost the emotion centers of the brain through accident or surgery can’t make decisions.  All options have the same weight to them.)  No matter how much data we collect or how we assess the data we collect, in the end we finally decide based on how we feel.  Therefore, the measuring stick we use to evaluate bad or good will always be subjective – subject to our beliefs, values, stories, interpretations and judgments.  And this is true whether we’re trying to buy a new car, considering whom to marry, deciding what we want to be when we grow up, or evaluating our own self-worth.

Unfortunately, if you’re in victim mode, the emotions you’re subject to are marked by helplessness and produce pain and suffering.  If you’re in interpreter mode you’re subject to emotions that produce struggle.  To create a different result for yourself, choose different emotions as your subjective base for making decisions – about yourself, about your life, about other people, about your relationships with all things.

Imagine what it would be like if there was no such thing as bad or good?  What if you could accept the world simply as it is and other people simply as they are?  What if you could not only accept yourself as you are, but also accept that you have power greater than you know?  What if you could look at yourself and what you want and say, “I am a writer.”  “Í am a smashing success.”  “I am the country’s top cartoonist.”  “I am a healer.”  “I am a perfect human being.”  “I am in partnership with the infinite.”  “I am a creator.”

What if you could acknowledge the truth residing somewhere inside you that recognizes your personal power, even if that required you to acknowledge you’re afraid of it, intimidated by it, don’t know what it means, and maybe don’t have a clue where to start.

Because my client likes to know what’s ahead, because she likes to plan and be sure, she kept asking, “But what would not knowing look like?”  I can’t answer that question.  I don’t know what’s ahead for myself, much less for anyone else.  But all the emotions of Observer mode have that aspect of not-knowing.

Transcend Measurement

Curiosity and wonder are among the most potent emotions when asking What if. . .

  • What if you valued curiosity over certainty?
  • What if you liked surprises?
  • What if wondering what else might be possible was fun?
  • What if being comfortable with the unknown took the pressure off?
  • What if some troublesome reality wasn’t a given?

More possibilities exist than you could ever know, or even imagine.  When you’re in Observer mode, you trust that expanse of possibilities.  You’re willing to say, “No, I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.

Some of the aspects of life people commonly approach with strong Interpreter tendencies include:

Self-Perception

What if you could look at yourself with curiosity and wonder:

  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I deserved to be successful (or rich, or happy, or whole).”
  • “What if I could love myself unconditionally?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I could sing (dance, build, heal, laugh, fly).”

Habits and Beliefs

What if you could look at your long-time habits and beliefs with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I believed I didn’t have to work my guts out?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if my emotional connection to this unwanted habit or that detrimental belief just evaporated.”
  • “If I could replace this habit with anything in the universe, I wonder what I’d choose?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I let go of my frustration about ____.”
  • “What if life was easy instead of hard?”

Life Choices

What if you could look at your life choices with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I actually have the ability, skills and personal power to follow my dream?”
  • “What if I wasn’t afraid?”
  • “What if I truly knew I’ll be just fine?”
  • “What if I was okay with not being able to see around the next corner?”

The fact is, we can never know for sure the impact of our choices on others or on the future.  We can never know what’s ahead.  We can’t even know if we’ll be here tomorrow, let alone what tomorrow will bring.  Becoming comfortable with not-knowing can be challenging but it doesn’t have to be distressing or scary.

A few months ago, one of my students wanted a visualization she could use to become calmer about the future.  Perhaps you’re familiar with the one I suggested:  While driving at night, you can only see as far ahead as your headlights illuminate.  They only go so far, but they always illuminate the same distance ahead.  My student immediately took the metaphor ever further.  She said, “And if I stop moving, I’ll never discover what’s beyond that limited light beam.  Moving into what’s possible requires that I give the car some gas.”

Accelerate

You may find that with curiosity and wonder you also experience anticipation and hope.

It’s very easy with either anticipation or hope to start getting specific.  If you anticipate a specific outcome or hope for a certain result, you begin to narrow the possibilities.  When you restrict the possibilities, you slide back into Interpreter mode.  Almost automatically, you will begin to spot the difficulties and find the obstacles.

If, however, you stay open and continue to be curious, the scope of possibilities will expand beyond your ability to imagine.  The range of your vision will expand, almost as if you switched your headlights from dim to bright.

Hope from the Observer perspective produces the calm that all will be well.  Anticipation creates momentum toward the unknown future.

Whatever particular area of your life is currently proving the most challenging, consider taking the following steps to move from Interpreter to Observer:

  • Identify the scale by which you’re measuring.  (good/bad; for/against; me/them; easy/hard)
  • Ask yourself, What if this scale didn’t exist?
  • Be open to the possibilities.
  • Anticipate (don’t force) an answer that will amuse, astonish, excite or gratify you.

If you’re struggling with a health issue, maybe you’ll discover wellness.  If you’re struggling with financial problems, maybe you’ll discover abundance.  If you’re struggling with an unhealthy relationship, maybe you’ll discover harmony.  If you’re struggling with your purpose, maybe you’ll discover confidence.

I want to re-emphasize that when you resist, when you lock yourself into your stories, when you refuse to go forward, you create your own struggle.  Deep inside, you know who you are and you know what you are for.  As a first step, be willing to ask, “What if I opened up to that inner knowing?”  “What if I were willing to be all that I can be?”  “What if I let all the possibilities open up for me?”

What if . . .

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)


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From Soul to Mind

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

In Alcoholics Anonymous they call the tendency to think too much “the paralysis of analysis.”  In his book Courage–The Joy of Living Dangerously, Osho says, “You were born as a no-mind. . . . If you were born as a no-mind, then the mind is just a social product. It is nothing natural, it is cultivated.”

I run across this theme all the time. According to many, the mind confuses the issue. The mind gets stuck in the story. The mind believes lies as easily as it believes truths. The mind manipulates the facts. Get out of your mind and into your heart. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Except human beings have this incredible brain. We think, we talk, we tell stories, we reason, we perform proofs, we translate, we write, we create works of art, we build buildings and roads and machines.

Everywhere we look we can see positive evidence of the mind in action. And yet, most of us have gotten stuck on an idea, or a concept, or a story, or a belief, and that sticking point immobilizes us, or points us in the wrong direction, or complicates a simple problem, or fuels a conflict. So, is the mind a liability or an asset?

Clearly, it’s both.

Sure, the mind gets confused, gets fixated, gets distracted, has obsessions, has blind spots, and can be unduly influenced by misinformation and misconceptions. The mind is also one of the primary means by which the soul communicates with the conscious self.  The ability of the mind to hear the messages of the soul seems directly related to personal power. The more attuned you are to your power, the more clearly the soul can communicate. Consider the following:

The Ability to Listen

The Victim mode of personal power is characterized by helplessness. The emotions that keep a person in Victim mode include fear, anger, hate, resentment and anxiety. These emotions are so strong they wrest power from those experiencing them. They create so much internal noise they overwhelm communications from the soul, making the message inaudible.

The Interpreter mode of personal power is characterized by struggle and difficulty. Emotions of this mode include frustration, irritation, envy, certainty, defensiveness and self-doubt. These emotions leach power from those experiencing them.  While not so blaringly invasive as Victim emotions, they still obscure communications from the soul, making the message almost inaudible.

Observer mode is the gateway to personal power. Characterized by neutrality, the emotions of this mode include a wide range of non-judgment–from indifference through amusement, curiosity and flexibility to gentleness and tolerance. When you’re in Observer mode the messages of your soul become fully audible, although you may not fully recognize them.

Partner mode is characterized by cooperation and includes such emotions as acceptance, respect, empathy, excitement, gratitude and cheerfulness. At this level the messages from your soul become meaningful.

The Creator level of personal power is characterized by oneness. The emotions of this mode include love, happiness, peace, delight, and joy. When experiencing such emotions, the messages of your soul become resonant.

On a continuum of sound, Victim Mode would be Inaudible, Interpreter Mode would be Barely Audible, Observer Mode would be Audible, Partner Mode would be Meaningful, Creator Mode would be Resonant

It’s important to remember that the various modes are not static. You can be in Creator mode at work, in Interpreter mode with your spouse, in Victim mode during a conflict with your neighbor, and in Partner mode when you cook. History is full of stories of tortured artists who experienced amazingly high levels of personal power in their creative endeavors but could barely function in “real life.”

If you want to gain insight into your personal ability to hear messages from within, you can graph your personal power with the following exercise:

  • List the various areas of your life or the different activities you perform daily. (Areas:  career, health, family, creativity, service, adventure, money, etc. Activities:  commuting, working, cooking, exercising, volunteering, caring for others, practicing.)
  • Consider the emotions you experience while immersed in the different areas or while performing the activities on your list. (Working–frustration, isolation, endurance. Health–resilience, appreciation.  Family–love, peace.
  • Find those emotions on the emotions list to discover your mode of power while in that activity.

The communications of the soul never cease or let up. They are always active, and when they are ignored, they become more and more imperative. Generally, the purpose of such messages is to help you move from wherever you are into your creator power. The more aware you are of the ways the soul communicates, the more open you will be to hearing those messages.

As we saw last week, communications through the body often take the form of ailments. Communications through the mind usually come in the form of ideas.

Two-track Communication

Most of us are aware the mind operates on both a conscious and a subconscious level. The soul uses each of these aspects of the mind as vehicles for communication, but in entirely different ways. Consciously, the soul uses ideas; subconsciously, messages come mostly through dreams.

Since I am not a dream scholar (and I rarely have dreams that survive waking), I’m going to skim over this one pretty quickly. Carl Jung was the first psychologist to see the correlation between dream images and myths. Because dreams seem to correspond with myths and legends, regardless of a person’s knowledge of the stories, Jung originated the phrase “collective unconscious.”  I suspect that when the soul communicates through dreams, it uses a language common to all souls. If you have vivid dreams, there are dozens of books available to help you interpret this language.

I am much more familiar with the messages that come through the conscious mind, using the language of ideas.

The active human mind generates thoughts, stories, and explanations almost constantly. The quality of this activity depends rather heavily on your emotional state. Emotions from Victim or Interpreter modes keep the focus on why me or how come, and these circular, self-absorbed questions block out soul-level communications. When in those modes, there is a tendency to look for salvation from without and reject the possibility of achieving it from within.

When you become the Observer, your perspective broadens and you see beyond previous limitations. The ideas generated by your mind are informed by the infinite nature of your soul. As you adopt and experience more emotions from partner mode and hold them for longer periods, you begin to recognize your ideas as true messages from your inner being-ness.

Let’s look at some of the forms these messages take,

Open Doors

Victim and Interpreter emotions impose limitations. When in the throes of such emotions, you may feel walled in, shrouded in darkness, beset from every side, tied down, chained, etc. The doors of possibility are always open, but they become invisible to you. As you access more and more of your own power, the barriers fall away, the sun comes out, obstacles dissolve, and you enjoy more freedom of movement. Your ideas start to feel like porch lights illuminating those doors of possibility. And you’re free to walk through any door you choose.

The walls of limitation consist of old events, old interpretations of those events, old reactions, old beliefs, old habits, and the burden of expectations–both your own and those of other people. New possibilities appear when you realize the old events don’t bind you any more, when you stop judging past experiences, when you choose new responses, when you revise your beliefs, when you adopt new habits, and when you release expectations.

Your soul wants to help you in these new endeavors. The more you listen, the more opportunities will present themselves. You can find the message of the soul using the reasoning power of the conscious mind.

Here’s a strategy you might try:

  • Consciously identify an area of limitation. (Money is scarce; health is elusive, you’re in a train-wreck relationship, etc.)
  • Describe the limitation and your experiences with it. As your tell your story, record it in some way. You might share it orally with another person, make a recording of it or write it out.
  • Find the emotions, the judgments and your behaviors embedded in your story. If you choose to share it with someone else, have your listener look for these aspects of it and take notes.
  • Review these emotions, judgments and behaviors and recognize them as indicators of limitation. Imagine them as the sides of a box that hold you in.
  • Think through them and find one or more you’re willing and ready to change. Choose what you want instead. Your new choice becomes an opening in the box you can step through any time you want.

Creative Bursts

Your soul is your primary creative partner. All your talents, abilities, skills, and instincts are well and strong within your soul–and they want to come out and play. Just as you can direct your mind to notice possibilities and take advantage of opportunities, you can open your mind to creative ideas.

Some people receive ideas as naturally as breathing. Some of us have to consciously stop staying, “I can’t.”

As a society, we tend to associate creativity with the arts and culture:  music, painting, poetry, dance, sculpture, photography, fiction, etc. Sometimes we hear of it in terms of creative problem solving, invention or entrepreneurship. I challenge you to consider that your soul communicates with you via creative bursts all day, every day. For instance.

  • You have something to say to someone, and the words come out of your mouth just right.
  • You’re seasoning a soup, and you reach for the basil instead of the dill.
  • You wear a blue shirt instead of a green one.
  • You rearrange your suitcase to make room for an extra pair of shoes.

At a deeper, more intuitive level:

  • You call a friend, and your friend says, “I was just thinking about you.”
  • You’re writing an article or a business paper and you sense what to add or delete.
  • You can tell whether your child needs to be challenged or reassured.
  • You know it’s time to leave a job, even though the financial data suggest holding on three more years.

You may read these last items and think, “That stuff doesn’t come from my mind, it comes from my gut.”  You may be right; it might come from your gut. Recent research is revealing neurotransmitters originate in the intestine. Some scientists are calling the gut the “second brain.”  Whether they come from your gut or your soul, they work through the mind when you are operating in the higher levels of personal power.

The Call to Serve

By way of the mind, the soul inspires us to serve. As the mind observes suffering and need, the soul triggers the ideas. We experience creative bursts of how to ease suffering and resolve problems. Even people deeply immersed in their own helplessness and struggle occasionally receive the nudge to serve–to rescue a hurt animal or soothe a crying baby.

As with all communications from the soul, your ability to hear increases as you access greater levels of your own power. In the areas of your life where you are strongest, your desire to serve will be strongest. In the areas where you experience the most difficulty, your soul will be more focused on helping you grow past your barriers and limitations.

However, because service always furthers growth, your personal growth and the call to serve can be closely intertwined. If some area of your life feels limited or stifled or stagnant, open your mind to the possibility of service, listen, and welcome the ideas that come to you. The communication channel is always open–like a 24-hour radio station. All you have to do is tune in.

These three ways the soul communicates through the mind tend to blend together. As soon as you become receptive to opportunities and possibilities, every open door seems to open fresh veins of creativity, and you gain a deeper desire to apply those ideas in ways that make the world a better place.

Welcome the workings of your mind. Your mind is an essential part of your infinite whole. Celebrate your ability to think, to reason, to solve, or be logical. By the same token, never be afraid of flights of fancy, of dreams, of strange thoughts, or of coming up with answers that don’t follow a clear logic trail. The soul communicates through both inspiration and reason.

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Growing Out of Victim Mode

Sunday, March 27th, 2011

As you may have noticed from previous articles, I don’t invest much energy trying to figure out why past events somehow ended up as present circumstances, why someone persists in self-destructive behavior, why a belief or fear took such a strong hold on someone, why someone is so resistant to change, etc.

Trying to answer such elusive why questions is much like a dog chasing its tail. You circle round and round and round and may never quite find the answers. On the other hand, when you forego circular thinking and focus on where you want to go instead, insights into why often appear.

Sidestepping such self-scrutiny, there can be considerable value in understanding some of the general aspects of human nature that may be keeping you stuck in less-than-desirable behaviors.

Generally speaking, most people operate from Victim and/or Interpreter modes most of the time. The energetic results of these emotions tend to be negative and destructive, leading to most human ills. Yet these energies are an undeniable aspect of human nature. We come by them naturally. To choose something else takes mindfulness and conscious effort. Today I’m going to focus specifically on Victim mode emotions, to see what it takes to evolve from them, to move through them, and to transcend them.

To see a list of emotions I’ve identified so far as Victim mode click here.

(I don’t claim this list is inclusive, and I recognize your definitions of these emotions may differ from mine. Also, I’ve arranged this list alphabetically, not in terms of relative strength.)

In 1915, Walter Cannon, a physiologist, described an animal’s response to threats as the fight-or-flight reflex. Since then neurologists have isolated the areas of the brain involved in this reflex. It seems to be very a helpful defense mechanism. Through most of human evolution, survival probably depended on it.

Many Victim mode emotions can be traced to this reflex, but if you examine the list, you will discover far more complexity than simple fight-flight reactions. Also included are the emotions that deal with the after-effects. If you fight and don’t win, you might experience agony, hate, loneliness, or woe. If you run away yet don’t escape, you might experience terror, revulsion, distress, or fury. If you do win but see your position as tenuous, you might experience malice, fanaticism, hate, or contempt.

Whatever the actual outcome, if you remain in any Victim emotion, you personally have little or no power. The emotion has it all. Your relationship to your “enemy” becomes irrelevant. The energy of these emotions is so strong, so encompassing, you must feel them. You can’t help it; they overtake you. The best you can do is submit.

Except for one thing. The emotions are yours. They belong to you. And because they are yours, you can still grab the reins. Bringing such strong emotions into submission may seem as difficult as riding a tiger. However, the only way to avoid being eaten by them is to tame them.

Before we move into some taming strategies, it’s important to note that no one is ever 100% a victim. When you look at your life as a whole, you will find instances of Creator mode, areas of Partner mode, occasions of Observer mode, and probably a lot of Interpreter mode. Sometimes you may Partner with someone or something most of the time, and only drop into Victim with a single aspect of that relationship. (I have often been both Creator and Victim where money’s concerned.)  Emotions fluctuate, and with them so does your energy and your power.

For those times when Victim mode emotions assail you, tame them.

Say “No.”

Imagine you’re caught in a violent storm. The gale’s so ferocious you can hardly stand up. You’re blinded by wind and rain. You’re totally disoriented. Loose objects come flying by. There might be a safety rail within reach, but how would you know?

Being caught up in the emotions of Victim mode is like that; their energy is as strong, as severe and as destructive as any hurricane.

But they don’t have all the power. You always have the power to say, “No more of this!”

You may not be able to calm the storm, but you can reach for that handrail. When you say, “No more,” you find the power to grasp it. You can then move into relative shelter.

Choosing to leave the storm requires conscious thought–and there will be tradeoffs. Are you ready to not be a victim?  Are you ready to assume responsibility for your results?  Are you willing to give up any payoffs you gain from your helplessness?  Are you ready to master your emotions?

Once logic says, “Yes,” invite your heart to join in. Can you acknowledge the part you play in your results?  Can you feel a willingness to be out of the storm?  Can you imagine stepping into calm?

When your head and your heart are aligned, it’s time to act. If you are besieged by anger, stop fighting. If you are beset by loneliness, reach out to someone in need. If you have been cringing in fear, stand up straight. If you are burdened with resentment, jettison the cargo. By your actions, declare you are finished with any emotions that have imprisoned you.

Recognize Your Part

Your contribution to any situation is primarily energetic. Do you let your emotions run amok, or do you master them?  Your emotions are the keys to your personal power. If you cede your power to a Victim emotion, you become helpless; you have little ability to withstand the trials and tribulations of life. Conversely, when you master a destructive emotion, you gain access to the energy of more creative emotions, and you can direct that energy any way you wish.

In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand describes a condition she calls “the sanction of the victim.”  She claims no one can victimize someone else without their permission. I believe this to be true. Your personal power is yours alone. Only you can hold it and wield it. Only you can throw it away.

The first step in owning your contribution to the results of your life is to acknowledge your emotions. You are not unaware there’s a problem–no matter how deeply you may have buried the emotions, the results are impossible to miss.

Can you name what you feel?  Can you identify the various components?  Anger, for instance, can morph into resentment, contempt, jealousy or hate–or some combination. Hatred may be comprised of despair, outrage, woe and mortification. Submission might be driven by distress and terror. When you know the components of the emotions that oppress you, you come to greater awareness of how and where you are leaking power.

Once you recognize what you are feeling, acknowledge your choice in the matter. Be willing to say, “I am choosing to feel _____.”

This may be absolutely the most difficult challenge in seeking shelter from the storm of your emotions. You wouldn’t want to be held responsible for a hurricane or tornado that flattens a town. Why would you want to take responsibility for an emotional storm laying waste to your life?  Nevertheless, the emotions are raging within you. To calm them, you must acknowledge them as yours. As soon as you concede you have chosen what you currently feel, you gain the ability to choose something else instead.

Negotiate

As you recognize and name your emotions, gather them into your hand. Imagine yourself in some kind of high-stakes game – poker, perhaps, or the stock market. Imagine your emotions are the cards. Since we’re discussing victim mode, let’s assume you’ve got a handful of stuff you don’t want – anger, resentment, woe, distress, outrage, for instance – and you’re ready to start negotiating (with yourself) for greater power.

Often, mindfulness produces insight. As you recognize and acknowledge your emotions, you will probably gain understanding of any value you’ve derived. It’s likely your feelings have been serving you well.

For example, do you perceive:

  • Your anger protects you from intimacy?
  • Your avarice saves you from poverty?
  • Your jealousy protects you from hurt?
  • Your resentment saves you from responsibility?

Every emotion provides a payoff. While it’s fairly easy to see the payoffs for emotions from Partner or Creator mode, the benefits of Victim mode are more difficult to spot. Yet there’s always a perceived advantage. You may not be able to identify yours, but you can guess, and a guess can get you close enough. Once you catch a glimpse of the benefits to you, you have an enhanced idea about how to play the cards in your hand.

  • Consider whether the “advantage” actually provides benefit. What, exactly, do you gain from non-intimacy?   Solitude?  Only if you like being alone. No demands?  Only if you hate helping others. No arguments?  Okay, but you may miss a lot of good conversation.
  • Imagine if you could achieve the benefit in some other way. Of course, you don’t want poverty; could you have abundance without being stingy and greedy?
  • Recognize the cost to you. Perhaps jealousy is  also costing you the one you love. Perhaps the fires of fanaticism are burning you up inside. Perhaps your anger has become malignant.
  • Believe it’s not too late. At any time (such as right now), you can choose to stop leaking personal power. You will immediately start to get a different result.

So, now you know the worth of the cards you hold. Since this is a one-person game, any deals you make will be with yourself.

Generally speaking, movement up the Modes Of Mastery Diamond is a growth process. A seed becomes a sprout, then a stem, then grows leaves, then blooms. The journey to calculus starts with arithmetic. High wire acrobats begin on a beam a few inches from the ground. Emotional development moves from wherever you are to the next step up the scale. If you are starting at Victim mode, the next step up is Interpreter mode.

I’ve been using the Victim cards of anger, resentment, woe, distress, and outrage as an example. What cards are you holding?  Are you ready to negotiate for something better?

Refer to the Emotions List and look at the options available to you in Interpreter mode.

Say you’re holding malice and you’ve acknowledged it. Now trade up. How about exchanging it for some annoyance, or bitterness, or even some animosity?

If you’re holding despair, moving to grief or dejection will be a step up.

If you’re holding outrage, when you let it go you might pick up indignation instead.

These are little steps, not big leaps. Moving from Victim mode to Interpreter mode is do-able. And by moving to Interpreter mode you access 100 times more personal power. You have 100 times the capacity to choose, to maneuver, to negotiate, to decide.

Keep the terms of the deal

Okay, you’ve tossed out what you didn’t want any more. You’ve replaced those old Victim emotions with annoyance, scorn and dejection. Now what?

Revel in your new choices. See how good they feel by comparison. Feel the difference in your relationship with your own power.

All Victim mode emotions produce helplessness. They make anything else seem impossible. They rob you of yourself. They own you.

Taking that tiny little step from Victim to Interpreter gives you options. You can take action. You can do more than hide or fight. You have a little more room to both plan and execute.

Of course, things will still look difficult. Interpreter mode emotions do result in struggle. So what!  You’re not the Victim anymore.

And once in Interpreter mode, you may find it easy and automatic to move on up to Observer mode

So stay the course. Grow into a new mode of being.

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Four Approaches to Problem Solving

Sunday, November 7th, 2010

Life is very complex.  There are the things we like and the things we don’t like.  The things that come easily and the things that provide struggle.  There are the challenges we face individually and the challenges we face with others.

Questions further complicate the mix:   Ethical questions.  Philosophical questions.  How-things-work questions.  How-things-are-connected questions.  Questions of cause and effect.  Questions of  what, when, where, who and why.

Then, even if we’ve found some satisfying answers, we face problems:   Money problems.  Health problems.  Relationship problems.  Employment problems.  Getting-things-done problems.

Problems are often not singular in nature.  We don’t stand alone.  Finding solutions requires us to deal with the opinions, beliefs, values, expectations and experiences of others.  Many of the challenges we face as individuals require us to work with others to solve, resolve, mend, restore and create.  To solve problems effectively it helps to understand how we approach them – and how our approach may differ from that of someone else.

Today I’m going to explore the challenge of problem solving by looking at four different styles.  For want of a better way to distinguish them, I’ll call them Empathic, Active, Thoughtful, and Facilitative.  I’ll explore each style’s approach, effort and resolution.

To illustrate, I’m going to use a problem of my own, and I’ll approach it from the viewpoint of each of the four different styles.

  • I tend to be messy and I don’t put much energy into housekeeping.  As a result, I’m always behind in my filing, I have piles of papers all over my work areas, shoes end up wherever I take them off, and I might leave a basket of folded laundry sitting in the middle of my living room for days.  As a result, I rarely invite friends to just drop by.  I’d like to change the habits of a lifetime and make my home clean and inviting.

The Desired Resolution

I’m starting with the preferred resolution of each style because it’s often easier to see the way when you know the destination.

People with an Empathic style of problem solving see Healing as the desired outcome.  They like for all wounds contributing to, or resulting from, the problem to be addressed and mended.

  • If I saw healing as the solution to my messiness, I’d withdraw all judgment of myself and my past behaviors so the wounds of the past no longer  influence the present.  I’d expect this to clear the field so new habits could grow

People with an Active style see Going Forward as the desired outcome.  To them, resolution enables forward momentum, and they like progress to begin as soon as possible.

  • If I looked forward for a solution, I’d consider the problem solved when I installed new structures in place of old ones, and new behaviors became my norm.

People with a Logical style see Knowledge as the desired outcome.   They want to learn from the experience, and they want the knowledge gained to bring about permanent solutions.

  • If I looked for knowledge as the solution, I’d expect my efforts to produce a better understanding of myself as well as a cleaner house.

People with a Facilitative style see Congruence as the desired outcome.  They want to bring all the factors – behaviors, beliefs, values, etc. – together into a unified whole.

  • If my solution were congruence, my thoughts, actions and emotions would all be aligned with neatness instead of with messiness.

Clarifying the Problem

Now that we have a clearer sense of what we might be looking for in the solution, let’s go back to the beginning and discover the starting place.  When you’re assessing a problem, what are the elements you look for first?

Empathic problem solvers tend to start with The Roots of the problem.  Their first question might be, “Why?”  They look for any wounds, mistakes, omissions, fallacies, assumptions, or unresolved problems that may have contributed.

  • If I were to start here in assessing my messiness, I would ask, “Why am I messy?  Is this something I learned?  Did I come at it as a rebellion?  Do I have a careless personality?”  I’d be looking for something within me that needs to be healed.

Action-oriented problem solvers tend to start with The Energy of the problem.  Their first question might be, “How?”  They look at a problem as if it were a fire and want to know what continues to fuel it.  What’s the oxygen source?  They see removing the energy as both the strategy and the end game.

  • If I were to start here, I would ask, “How can I take energy away from my messiness and generate energy toward neatness?”  I would look at my habit patterns and consider what new structures or systems I could put into place to help me get better results.

Logical problem solvers tend to start with The Players.  (Players aren’t limited to people.  Consider such players as money, the weather, your body, Management, etc.)  Their first question might be, “Who?”  They want to know who’s involved, and they consider each Player’s degree of involvement, their willingness to participate in a solution, their ability to negotiate, and what they can add to the solution.

  • If I were to start here, I would ask, “Are there any other players besides me?  What role do they play?”  I would assess my tools, my time, my resources, and other aspects of my circumstances.   (I live alone, and I have the necessary tools and sufficient time.  So, nope.  For this problem, no Players but me.)

Facilitative problem solvers tend to start with The Factors.  Their first question might be “What?”  They like to tease apart the problem and discover all influencing factors, including economics, beliefs, time constraints, legal constraints, politics, external influences, etc.

  • If I were to start here, I would ask, “What are the factors that contribute to a) my messiness or b) the solution.  What pattern do they form?

Effecting a Solution

Once you’ve identified the beginning and the end, consider the processes you use most comfortably in between.

Since Empathic problem solvers are looking for healing, they see Love as a particularly strong healing agent.  They prefer to extend compassion and acceptance to all parties and all parts of the problem so that healing occurs all along the way.

  • If I expected to heal my messiness, I would remove all judgment of myself, my past choices, my life-long habits and my current behaviors.  I would accept that given those choices and habits, I’ve always done the best I could.  And then I would look at my home with love and imagine it as clean and beautiful and welcoming.

Since Active problem solvers look ahead and focus on creating new patterns by changing the energy, they proceed with Daring. They see practice as essential to improvement, and reinforcement as essential to change.  If anyone or anything is perpetuating the problem or making it worse, they’ll take on those challenges first.

  • If I expected to implement my way to a cleaner house, I would keep trying different ways to invest my energy until I found one that produced different results – and that I could maintain.

Since Logical problem solvers are looking for growth, they like to employ Attention to effect a solution.  Once they’ve identified The Players and the roles of those players, they encourage the various Players to make better choices (or they create better relationships with the non-human Players), until the whole thing works better, and everyone’s smarter in the process.

  • If I took the logical approach, I would look at my current choices and evaluate the consequences of those choices.  I would address those choices logically, in terms of cost versus benefit and loss versus gain.

Since Facilitative problem solvers are looking for congruence, they like to Release Resistance.  They recognize obstacles, roadblocks and all forms of struggle as resistance, and they know resistance hinders both change and progress.  They already know the various components of the problem, so they explore those components for resistance.  They then work to remove impediments and smooth the way.

  • If I took the facilitative approach to my messiness, I’d review my behaviors to see if there are any ways I’m making the situation more difficult than it needs to be, I’d review my beliefs to discover any that hamper me, and I’d adopt neatness as a value.

Discovering Your Way

Perhaps as you’ve been reading this article, one of these styles has resonated with you more than another.  Perhaps one style seems more applicable than another to some types of problems.  Maybe one style seems generally more useful to you than another, and you’d like to work with it until you make it your own.

Chances are, if you tend to lead with your head, asking questions, exploring ideas and seeing the order of things, your style is more likely to be Logical.

If you tend to relate to others through your feelings and care about the long-term emotional impact of your choices, your style is more likely to be Empathic.

If you tend to gather information through your senses, watching, listening, tasting, smelling, and touching, and if you would rather do than think about doing, your style is more likely to be Active.

If you tend to be intuitive, aware of such things as time, space, connection, and position without giving them your attention, and if you’re willing to leap before you look, your style is more likely to be Congruent.

As a life coach, I help my clients clarify their challenges and devise the kinds of solutions that will work best for them.  If you would like help in this area, please contact me.  email – kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Posted in Acceptance, Attention, Body Power, Congruence, Cooperation, Daring, Gut Power, Healing, Heart Power, Mind Power, Personal Growth, Problem Solving | 17 Comments »

Growth as a Goal

Sunday, September 19th, 2010

As a life coach, I am committed to helping my clients make their lives work better.  Since what that means is up to them, I usually start with the question, “What do you want?”  And almost always the answer is some variation of, “Something different from what I’ve got.”

If you are experiencing some level of dissatisfaction in one or two areas of your life, you know the feeling.  You know what you’ve got.  You might know exactly what you want instead – or you might not.  You might believe something else is possible – or you might not.  You might want to make the most of the hand you’ve been dealt – or you might want to change the rules, maybe pull an ace out of your sleeve.

Identifying what you believe to be possible is as important as deciding what you want.  And what you believe to be possible will directly correlate to your level of Personal Power.

What You Belief to be True is True

For those operating from Victim mode, nothing looks possible.  A sense of futility reinforces a belief in helplessness; emotions such as fear, resentment, anger, envy, loneliness, and anxiety support the belief in futility; actions tend to be a choice between fight or flight.  They may yearn for something else, but they believe it to be impossible.  Victim mode is a pit, and the and the walls of the pit are all the person can see.

For someone operating from Interpreter mode, the view of what’s possible is amazingly more expansive.  Interpreter mode is a mire, with solid ground in clear sight.  Options begin to immerge, even if they all seem fraught with difficulty.  The themes of fight and flight morph into themes of hard work and rebellion.  An Interpreter of the hard work theme might decide to gain more knowledge, acquire the proper tools, accumulate the right credentials, obey all the rules, etc.  An Interpreter of the rebellion theme might decide to blame and complain, undermine the competition, emigrate to another country, defeat the enemy, not make waves, etc.  Either way, Interpreters believe in struggle as much as they believe in possibilities.

Those who operate from Observer mode stand on solid ground.  Because they can see in any direction, everything becomes possible.  They’re more humble than hurt, more pragmatic than skeptical, and far more curious then certain.  Even though they acknowledge the worst could happen, they accept the best is at least as likely.  Their belief in the possible reveals pathways and doors that someone struggling in the mire cannot see.

Those operating from Partner mode have chosen a general direction and are moving forward.  They may not know all the twists and turns of the road ahead, but by choosing this particular direction they eliminate a host of other possibilities.  What they want becomes probable.

Those who operate from Creator mode believe what they want to be inevitable.  If they make wrong turns, they trust the detour will benefit them.  They may dally along the way, and good things will come from the delay.  Obstacles are valuable challenges, hindrances bestow blessings.  What they’ve chosen becomes the only possible result.

The movement from what you have into what you want is always a growth process.  What you currently have matches what you believe is possible, and your beliefs reflect the way your thoughts, emotions and action merge together.  When you want something else instead, you have to believe the new something is possible, and you have to bring your thoughts, actions and emotions into congruence with that new belief.

Change a Belief and you Change Yourself

In order to have something different, or do something different, you have to be different.  And that means growth.

Imagine Victim mode as an acorn buried underground.  Instead of “fight or flight” the options are grow on don’t grow.  When you choose to grow you move into Interpreter mode, and that’s like sending out the first tendrils of roots and stem into the hard, dark earth, running into rocks and other roots and risking being eaten by whatever feeds on tender growing things underground.  Growing into Observer mode is like bursting through the surface.  You experience sun and rain, day and night, warm and cool, and you can see the possibility of becoming a viable, healthy tree.  As you Partner with both nourishment and adversity, you continue to grow.  Your trunk becomes stronger and taller, you branch out, and you trust the probability of your future as a beautiful oak.  Ultimately, you mature into Creator mode.  Inevitably, you become the originator of future forests.

Sometimes, in deciding to transition from what is to something else, it’s easy to forget that growth is part of the deal.  Let’s take the Law of Attraction, for example, with its basic principle of, “Give your attention to your Intention.”  So you set a clear Intention, and you come up with a good positive affirmation or a rhythmic mantra for meditation, and you strengthen your focus on your Intention.

If your Intention manifests, you have experienced personal growth from your efforts.  If you your Intention doesn’t manifest, you have not.

Growth will begin when you believe what you want is possible – and that often includes a paradigm shift.  Growth will include mastering your thoughts and emotions at higher levels of power.  Growth may include forgoing old habits and/or gaining new competencies.  For growth, you must expand your awareness, become more mindful, and develop a more trusting relationship with your intuition.  Thus, growth becomes an essential aspect of manifesting your Intention.

When the Intention is for Growth

For some people, Personal Growth is the main objective rather than a means to an end.  While for most of us, growth is the way to achieve an Intention, for them the Intention is the way to achieve growth.  For instance, I have two clients who have both set Intentions for greater prosperity.  One wants to break free of old beliefs he acquired during childhood about money being scarce and difficult on the one hand and a burden on the other.  To do this he must leave the old stories behind, see money as neutral and stop judging himself for past choices.  The other sees prosperity as a condition of wholeness.  For her, more abundance is secondary to mastering the principles of Partner mode.

These two clients are at different stages of growth.  Even though their Intentions are essentially the same, one is growing in Personal Power from Interpreter  to Observer in order to achieve greater prosperity.  For him, the starting point is to believe money can come easily.  She wants to master Personal Power at the Partner level, and she’s using her Intention as her classroom.  Her starting point is to believe her wholeness unconditionally encompasses abundance.

Manifesting an Intention has three basic steps:

  1. Set an Intention that is true for you.
  2. Bring your thoughts, actions and emotions into congruence with your Intention.
  3. Receive.

Manifesting Growth by way of an Intention requires a bit more mindfulness:

  1. Achieve the calm of neutrality.
  2. Recognize the power of choice.
  3. Believe what you want is inevitable.
  4. Set a true Intention.
  5. Surrender into willingness.
  6. Receive.

At this moment in time, your level of Personal Power produces what you currently have.  To achieve something else, put the necessary effort and attention into your own growth so you can be in harmony with your wants.

(If you find value in what I write, you might like to experience what can be achieved through one-on-one coaching.  The first session is always complementary.  Write me at kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

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Posted in Beliefs, Cause and Effect, Creator Mode, Interpreter Mode, Observer Mode, Partner Mode, Personal Growth, The Law of Attraction, Victim Mode, intentions, manifestation | 3 Comments »