Archive for the ‘Neutrality’ Category

The Power of “What if . . .”

Sunday, January 15th, 2012

Since I started to see emotion as the key to personal power and to identify the characteristics of different kinds of emotions, I’ve been paying more attention to my own judgment patterns.  In some areas of my life, based on the results I enjoy, I seem to have attained a place of pretty secure neutrality.  Based on the results in other areas of my life, however, I’m clearly still in the struggle.

When I look at the difference in my results, I can see that if I try to use Partner or Creator emotions without first becoming neutral, my efforts are handicapped by my interpretations, by the stories I’ve come up with to explain, to rationalize, to accommodate, or to place blame.  And the strongest way to eliminate judgment is to become the Observer, to employ neutral emotions.

From my own experience it seems the path to personal power is one step at a time.  You can’t simply leap from Victim mode to Partner mode.  If you’re stuck in the mud you have no traction.  You have to achieve the leverage of solid ground, and that’s what Observer mode provides.

An area of challenge for me has been my purpose.  About fifteen years ago, I got a sense of purpose far bigger than I could identify with.  I didn’t deny it exactly, but for at least ten years I wrestled with it, struggled with how, side-stepped it, and tried to make it small enough to reconcile.  Choosing to become a life coach was my first straight-forward, head-on move in the direction of that purpose, but I still couldn’t quite put it into words.  Eventually I came to peace with it as, “I teach wisdom and personal power.”  I stopped fighting it, stopped struggling with it, acknowledged it, and stopped judging myself as insufficient to the task.  After that things got easier.  My coaching practice blossomed, and the quality of my coaching improved.

But something was still missing.  Since coming up with the Diamond Of Mastery and using it as a coaching tool, I’ve realized how much I’ve been in Interpreter mode.  I still doubted my abilities, doubted I was the right person for the job, doubted I knew enough.  Yet I kept trying to leap straight from the mire to the mountain top.  So I started practicing acceptance, willingness, wonder, and courage.  As a result, when I sit down to write, the ideas come much more easily and the words flow.

And this personal understanding of the importance of starting from where I am has given me new understanding of where my clients are and how to help them start from where they are.

How do you measure?

Recently I was working with a long-time client from where she is, which is locked into a belief of good and bad.  She has a long list of criteria for being a good person, and if she can’t live up to that list (no one could) she’s a bad person.

I asked her what it would feel like if there was no such thing as bad or good.  She said it would feel good, easier, but she kept arguing in favor of the measuring stick.

Of course, we’re all in the habit of measuring, evaluating, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best choice.  However, we don’t make decisions based on logic; we make decisions using emotion.  (Individuals who have lost the emotion centers of the brain through accident or surgery can’t make decisions.  All options have the same weight to them.)  No matter how much data we collect or how we assess the data we collect, in the end we finally decide based on how we feel.  Therefore, the measuring stick we use to evaluate bad or good will always be subjective – subject to our beliefs, values, stories, interpretations and judgments.  And this is true whether we’re trying to buy a new car, considering whom to marry, deciding what we want to be when we grow up, or evaluating our own self-worth.

Unfortunately, if you’re in victim mode, the emotions you’re subject to are marked by helplessness and produce pain and suffering.  If you’re in interpreter mode you’re subject to emotions that produce struggle.  To create a different result for yourself, choose different emotions as your subjective base for making decisions – about yourself, about your life, about other people, about your relationships with all things.

Imagine what it would be like if there was no such thing as bad or good?  What if you could accept the world simply as it is and other people simply as they are?  What if you could not only accept yourself as you are, but also accept that you have power greater than you know?  What if you could look at yourself and what you want and say, “I am a writer.”  “Í am a smashing success.”  “I am the country’s top cartoonist.”  “I am a healer.”  “I am a perfect human being.”  “I am in partnership with the infinite.”  “I am a creator.”

What if you could acknowledge the truth residing somewhere inside you that recognizes your personal power, even if that required you to acknowledge you’re afraid of it, intimidated by it, don’t know what it means, and maybe don’t have a clue where to start.

Because my client likes to know what’s ahead, because she likes to plan and be sure, she kept asking, “But what would not knowing look like?”  I can’t answer that question.  I don’t know what’s ahead for myself, much less for anyone else.  But all the emotions of Observer mode have that aspect of not-knowing.

Transcend Measurement

Curiosity and wonder are among the most potent emotions when asking What if. . .

  • What if you valued curiosity over certainty?
  • What if you liked surprises?
  • What if wondering what else might be possible was fun?
  • What if being comfortable with the unknown took the pressure off?
  • What if some troublesome reality wasn’t a given?

More possibilities exist than you could ever know, or even imagine.  When you’re in Observer mode, you trust that expanse of possibilities.  You’re willing to say, “No, I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.

Some of the aspects of life people commonly approach with strong Interpreter tendencies include:

Self-Perception

What if you could look at yourself with curiosity and wonder:

  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I deserved to be successful (or rich, or happy, or whole).”
  • “What if I could love myself unconditionally?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I could sing (dance, build, heal, laugh, fly).”

Habits and Beliefs

What if you could look at your long-time habits and beliefs with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I believed I didn’t have to work my guts out?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if my emotional connection to this unwanted habit or that detrimental belief just evaporated.”
  • “If I could replace this habit with anything in the universe, I wonder what I’d choose?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I let go of my frustration about ____.”
  • “What if life was easy instead of hard?”

Life Choices

What if you could look at your life choices with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I actually have the ability, skills and personal power to follow my dream?”
  • “What if I wasn’t afraid?”
  • “What if I truly knew I’ll be just fine?”
  • “What if I was okay with not being able to see around the next corner?”

The fact is, we can never know for sure the impact of our choices on others or on the future.  We can never know what’s ahead.  We can’t even know if we’ll be here tomorrow, let alone what tomorrow will bring.  Becoming comfortable with not-knowing can be challenging but it doesn’t have to be distressing or scary.

A few months ago, one of my students wanted a visualization she could use to become calmer about the future.  Perhaps you’re familiar with the one I suggested:  While driving at night, you can only see as far ahead as your headlights illuminate.  They only go so far, but they always illuminate the same distance ahead.  My student immediately took the metaphor ever further.  She said, “And if I stop moving, I’ll never discover what’s beyond that limited light beam.  Moving into what’s possible requires that I give the car some gas.”

Accelerate

You may find that with curiosity and wonder you also experience anticipation and hope.

It’s very easy with either anticipation or hope to start getting specific.  If you anticipate a specific outcome or hope for a certain result, you begin to narrow the possibilities.  When you restrict the possibilities, you slide back into Interpreter mode.  Almost automatically, you will begin to spot the difficulties and find the obstacles.

If, however, you stay open and continue to be curious, the scope of possibilities will expand beyond your ability to imagine.  The range of your vision will expand, almost as if you switched your headlights from dim to bright.

Hope from the Observer perspective produces the calm that all will be well.  Anticipation creates momentum toward the unknown future.

Whatever particular area of your life is currently proving the most challenging, consider taking the following steps to move from Interpreter to Observer:

  • Identify the scale by which you’re measuring.  (good/bad; for/against; me/them; easy/hard)
  • Ask yourself, What if this scale didn’t exist?
  • Be open to the possibilities.
  • Anticipate (don’t force) an answer that will amuse, astonish, excite or gratify you.

If you’re struggling with a health issue, maybe you’ll discover wellness.  If you’re struggling with financial problems, maybe you’ll discover abundance.  If you’re struggling with an unhealthy relationship, maybe you’ll discover harmony.  If you’re struggling with your purpose, maybe you’ll discover confidence.

I want to re-emphasize that when you resist, when you lock yourself into your stories, when you refuse to go forward, you create your own struggle.  Deep inside, you know who you are and you know what you are for.  As a first step, be willing to ask, “What if I opened up to that inner knowing?”  “What if I were willing to be all that I can be?”  “What if I let all the possibilities open up for me?”

What if . . .

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)


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Neutralizing Fear

Sunday, November 20th, 2011

I’ve often heard it postulated the most universal fear is fear of death, and I disagree.  I believe fear of the unknown is far greater.

As human beings, we like safety, security, constancy, predictability, permanence, and tradition.  To varying degrees, such assurances give us confidence.  Decisions are easier when we know what the options are.  We like reunions (or not) because we know what to expect.  Trips are easier to plan when we have road maps and hotel directories.  We like menus, study guides, business plans, instruction books, teacher and mentors.  Most of us prefer the smooth-running to the eventful.  If we could avoid accidents, we would.  Some people would avoid all surprises if they could.

By contrast, the unknown often feels unsafe, unpredictable, indefinite, risky, and dangerous.

Of course, we have individual tolerances for the unknown.  We all have areas where we’re willing to take risks and areas where we’re not.  You might be fine with financial risks and cautious about relationships.  Your partner might be fine with emotional risks and fearful in matters of health.  Your child might be a daredevil on his skateboard and unwilling to even breathe the aroma of a strange food.

I believe fear of the unknown lies at the heart of every fear.  For instance, say you’re afraid of speaking in public.  Perhaps your insecurity arises from what people will think.  Or perhaps you fear you might stutter or lose your place or forget what you plan to say.  In both cases, it’s the unknown:  you don’t know what people think; you don’t know whether you’ll falter.  If you knew people liked you, or you knew you would carry it off, you wouldn’t be afraid (or not as afraid).

Or say you’re afraid of flying.  The unknowns include the competence of the pilot, the air-worthiness of the plane, the weather conditions, and other air traffic, not to mention freaky things like wind shears, collisions with birds, and anything else your creative imagination supplies.

Or say you’re afraid of getting your heart broken.  The unknown you fear can take many guises, and the guise it takes will influence your choices.  If you’re afraid you are unworthy of love, you may never date again.  If you’re afraid there aren’t any good ones left, you may never date one person for long enough to find out.  If you’re afraid the other person is unwilling to make a long-term commitment, you may look for reasons to break it off first.

If you’re afraid of losing your job, perhaps it’s because you don’t know what might happen when money isn’t coming in (so you make something up).  If you’re afraid of driving at night, perhaps it’s because you can’t see far enough into the dark to know what’s out there.  If you’re afraid to look deep inside yourself, perhaps it’s because you don’t know who you’ll find.

Every human being has a deep, infinite reserve of power, although most of us hoard our power as if in a locked trunk.  Unlocking the truck and accessing our own power may be one of the key aspects of finding our purpose and living it.  The more “safely” we keep our power locked away, the more we operate from Victim Mode.  The emotions of Victim Mode serve as sentries, separating us from our own power.  We own the power, it’s deep within us, but we have somehow accepted the role of vassal to our emotions.  Any movement out of Victim Mode is a move toward mastering our emotions.

Fear is such an effective sentry it convinces us our power has been neutralized.  Following are several strategies for reversing the process.  When you neutralize fear, you gain access to your power.

Gain Knowledge

Because fear of the unknown is at the heart of all fear, when you expand the known you reduce the unknown and thus reduce fear.  Gaining knowledge is the simplest of all methods, and any of the following practices will help:

  • Study what you don’t know.
  • Research the facts using reliable sources.
  • Ask questions rather than make assumptions.
  • Practice and gain proficiency.
  • Invest time and energy in developing relationships you can trust.
  • Seek out teachers and mentors.

Going back to the above examples, the more you speak in public, the more skill you gain, and the less likely you are to stutter, or lose your place, or forget what you wanted to say.  Sufficient research can provide you with statistics about flying generally and factors contributing to accidents specifically.  Taking the time to develop a trust relationship with someone can reassure you your heart is safe.

Reframe your Story

One of the most typical ways of trying to resolve the unknown is to fill in the blanks.

Since you don’t know what the audience is thinking, your mind shuffles the deck of possibilities and pulls a card:  They think this isn’t going to be worth their time. You accept the first drawn card as the answer.  The unknown has been revealed and your fear is allayed; except now you’re embarrassed, frustrated, insecure, or even angry.

Since you can’t know the competence of your pilot, your mind draws a card:  He’s likely to fall asleep on the job. Now you’re more afraid than ever.

Or after dinner one night your date’s credit card has expired.  You offer to pay, but your mind draws the card:  Freeloader. Ah, one question is answered, but another unknown keeps the fear alive: What if he’s totally financially irresponsible?

A coaching friend of mine shared her reframing policy with me.  She said every time she imagines a negative possibility, she forces herself to think of three equally-likely positive possibilities.

The audience could as easily be thinking:  I’ve heard good things about this speaker! Or Good dresser. Or I never thought of that before.

The pilot could as easily be fresh from a good night’s sleep, or one of the airline’s best, or particularly savvy about weather patterns.

Your date could be a)  Forgetful.  When his new card came in the mail he neglected to activate it.  b)  Moving.  His new card is in the box of papers he’s moving from his old apartment to his new, and he’s a bit harried right now.  c)  Changing banks and the old bank closed his account one day early.

By insisting your mind draw several cards from the deck of possibilities, you avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions with insufficient evidence.  You still don’t know if any of the possibilities you come up with is correct, but you are a bit more willing to accept the unknown.  Such acceptance of the unknown goes a long way toward neutralizing your fear of it.

Meet Fear Head-on

Perhaps you often face your emotions.  Are you more likely to reinforce the emotion you’re experiencing, or confront it with something else?  People generally meet fear with more fear, anxiety with more anxiety, worry with more worry, etc.  This will put you in a repetitive, reinforcing loop.  The more you worry the more worry you feel, which you meet with more worry.  It’s like a leaf caught in an eddy, circling endlessly around with no ability to push back into the current.  Or like adding fuel to an already raging fire.

You can, however, meet an unwelcome emotion with its opposite, which effectively cancels them both out.  In Buddhism this is called applying the antidote to the destructive mental state.  My source for this insight* indicated there was a specific antidote for each negative emotion.  In my work with clients, however, I ask them to identify the emotion they’re feeling then choose the positive emotion that seems most appropriate as the antidote.

When you’re experiencing fear (or any other Interpreter Mode emotion), imagine its opposite.  You might choose love as the opposite of fear, hope as the opposite of anxiety, curiosity as the opposite of uncertainty, meekness as an antidote for doubt, or serenity as an antidote to worry.  If the antidotes I’ve suggested don’t resonate with you, find one that does.  Once the positive and negative have cancelled each other out, you can continue to evoke the positive emotion and powerfully establish that as your state of being.

Move up a Level

As you may recall, fear is a Victim Mode emotion.  When you are consumed by fear, you probably believe you have no power.  (Actually, your full power exists within you at all times.)  The instant you realize you have sufficient power to choose one of these strategies, you crack open the lid of your inner power chest.  When you access just a tiny ray of your power, enough to say, “I’m tired of being a victim,” you immediately move to Interpreter Mode.   And Interpreter Mode has 100 times more power than Victim Mode.

You don’t have to know how you will stop being afraid.  You don’t have to actually deal with the fear or its causes.  You don’t even have to choose what you want instead.  Try this 3-step process.

  1. Get in touch with whatever you are feeling.
  2. Name it.
  3. Say you want to be done with it.

Through recognition, acknowledgment and this small acceptance that something else is possible, you access enough of your power to move from Victim to Interpreter.

Perhaps you’re not experiencing a Victim level of fear, but feel some Interpreter version of it such as alarm, anxiety, defensiveness, doubt, dread, embarrassment, insecurity, wariness or trepidation.  The process still works:  Recognize the emotion you’re experiencing, acknowledge it by naming it, then let go of the judgment embedded within it.  Whether you’re judging someone else, the situation, or yourself, give up judgment and you instantly move to Observer Mode.  And Observer Mode has 100 times more power than Interpreter Mode.

Make Peace with Your Fear

This final strategy is both the most difficult and the most effective.  For it to be effective you must first own your fears.  You created them.  You adopted them.  You have nourished them.  You possess them.

Imagine you have erected a protective wall around yourself in an effort to keep out the unknown.  Because the wall itself wasn’t quite sufficient, you hired a dragon to guard the gate.  Then, to be sure of the dragon, you staked it right outside your door.  Because you fed and tended the dragon, it grew stronger and fiercer.  Since installing it, you’ve probably discovered it’s powerless to keeps the unknown away from your gate – but it does a swell job of keeping you imprisoned inside.

Your fears are like this dragon.  To free yourself, you have to free the dragon.  To free the dragon you have to walk right up to it.  Make peace with it.  Ask it to show you everything it’s got.  From your current perspective, you think your dragon is all teeth and claws and barbed tail.  That’s what fear does to us.  It appears to be the danger, it becomes the unknown.  Yet, in reality, it’s merely the way we’ve contrived to protect ourselves.

If you are willing to approach your fears in peace, you will discover your dragon has a deep desire to defend you, to honor you, to obey your every wish.  To convince your fears you no longer need them, step past them and take a good look at whatever you believed you needed protection against.

Should you discover a real threat, use real means to disarm it or defend against it.  Fear itself can do neither.  More likely, as you venture into the unknown, you will discover a stranger who’s willing to be a friend, an adventure inviting you to climb aboard, a wilderness waiting to be explored, an opportunity ready to be exploited, new information available for assimilation, or some aspect of yourself you’ve neglected.  The unknown may even be the milieu of your best good, if you’re willing to free your dragon.

I challenge you to take the very first step to neutralize something you fear:  Choose to be done with it.

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Posted in Interpreter Mode, Neutrality, Observer Mode, Victim Mode, personal power | 47 Comments »

Expand Your Possibilities

Monday, January 3rd, 2011

As you will recall from the Diamond of Mastery diagram, Observer mode spans the waistline of the diamond, where it’s widest, where the possibilities are broadest.  This wealth of possibilities is the most important aspect of Observer mode.  Observer mode emotions produce calm, and only in calmness do possibilities become visible.

In this infinite universe, an infinite array of possibilities always exists.  (Imagine the wide part of the diamond as greater than your arm span rather than narrower than the paper.)  When you look around objectively you can observe myriad results:  people in all states of physical well-being, from deathly ill to vibrantly healthy; people in all states of abundance, from abject poverty to wealth in the mega-billions; people in all states of mental well-being, from despair to bliss; people in all states of service, from saving lives to rejecting others.  Whatever you want, you’ll find examples of people at both ends of the spectrum and everything in between.

Of course, someone caught in Victim mode – at the bottom tip of the diamond – sees no options, no alternatives, only more of the same.  Someone who has advanced to Interpreter mode can see a much wider range of options, but those options will all be cloaked in difficulty because Interpreter mode emotions produce struggle.

The move from Interpreter mode into Observer mode is like stepping from darkness into light.  Suddenly you have greater depth perception, details are clearer, peripheral vision expands, colors are sharper.  Suddenly you see a greatly expanded range of possibilities.

The key to this change is calm. Calmness of thought, calmness of emotion, calmness of action.  I like to think of this as the triumvirate of mind, heart and body.  These three aspects of self work together to produce results.  When they are unified, they generate whatever they are aligned with; when they are in conflict, they generate chaos.

Because thoughts, emotions and actions are so connected and interdependent, it’s possible to begin with any one of them to achieve calm.  In other posts, I’ve focused almost entirely on emotions, so let’s start there.

Calm Your Emotions

You can use any of the techniques I’ve suggested before to calm your emotions.  Here are four more:

  • Smile.  Using MRI, researchers have discovered that turning up the corners of the mouth changes the way the synapses in the brain fire.  Just by smiling, you move your brain activity to a happier location of the brain.
  • See beauty.  Notice something you believe to be beautiful and savor it.  Seeing beauty is like seeing truth, except on the emotional level.  Enjoying the beautiful will ease your heart away from any agitation and cool heated emotions.
  • Be silly.  Stick out your tongue, wiggle your butt, dance a jig, cross your eyes – let down your defenses.  To be silly for even a few moments will helps you transcend any tension-causing rules that bind you to beliefs and behaviors that may not be true for you.
  • Evoke a neutral emotion.  Basically, this is letting go of judgment and becoming the observer.  That transition moves you from stress to serenity

When you calm your heart, you also calm your body and your mind.

Calm Your Body

Releasing stress and tension from your body is often the preferred starting place, probably because physical tension is so easy to identify.  Chances are, if you took a quick inventory of your body right now you’d find tension somewhere; and chances are equally high your mind immediately comes up with a relaxation technique:  get a massage, exercise, practice yoga, have an acupuncture treatment, take an aspirin, stretch, go for a walk, meditate.  These are all effective methods for tension relief.  Here are additional ways to quiet your body.

  • Breathe deeply.  Inhale slowly into your diaphragm, paying attention to the air all the way in and all the way out.  Be with your body.  Repeat 4-6 times.  The body relaxes with such regulated and increased oxygenation.
  • Open your senses.  Pay attention to what you can hear, what you can see, what you can smell, what you can taste, and/or what you can feel.  Your senses are your access to the world, and compared to your own stress, the world is very stable.
  • Be in nature.  Go outside and be open to temperature, weather, plants, animals, and your body’s responses.  Nature is generous, inspiring, settling and calming.
  • Expand your body from within.  Become tall, lengthen your neck, broaden your shoulders, expand your rib cage, lengthen your arms and legs, stretch your skin.  When your body is tight, it hoards tense emotions; when your body is expanded, it welcomes generous emotions.

When you calm your body, you also calm your heart and your mind.

Calm Your Mind

Buddhism refers to mental anxiety as “monkey mind.”  Sometimes when the mind is particularly agitated, you may reach calm fastest through the body or the emotions.  However, the following suggestions can help you calm your mind first.

  • Count your blessings.  Think of five things you’re thankful for and savor them.  Especially be mindful to the blessings and advantages you enjoy that you didn’t earn.  Appreciation of what’s good switches the mind off something you might be judging negatively.
  • Laugh out loud.  Chuckle, giggle, tee-hee.  Generate it from your belly, your chest, your throat, your nose, your toes.  Just find some form of laughter inside of you and let it come out your mouth.  Laughter is a very effective medicine.
  • See truth.  Think of something you know to be true.  Even small truths work well here:  The sun is shining (or it’s raining); I love my dog (or my child, or my spouse), I am well-fed (or hungry), I like ice cream (or swimming, or a good book, or martinis).  Truth will help you stop any story your mind might be spinning.
  • Be present.  Take note of whatever you are doing.  If you are eating, savor every bite; if you are working, focus on the task; if you are walking, observe the roll of your feet, the resilience of the ground, the sounds and textures of the environment.  Focus your mind on what is, and you will find ease from whatever story your brain is making up.

When you calm your mind, you also calm your heart and your body.

Calm = Possibilities

Okay, now that you’re calm, let’s explore what’s possible.

At the center top of a piece of paper, briefly identify something you want to create.  I’ve used the following example in previous blogs:

With delight and gratitude I enjoy unrestrained financial abundance.

Immediately below your intention, write the first result that comes to mind.  Perhaps the first result of financial abundance would be, I’m totally out of debt. Below that, imagine two new possibilities that would derive from the first, moving in two different directions:  One way:  I have money to spare. The other way:  I have money to share. Now let each of those options move in two more directions, so you have branched into four further possibilities:  1) My business is prospering beyond by wildest dreams. 2) Money comes when I need it. 3) My prosperity prospers others. 4) I help those I love to my heart’s content.

From here, let the ideas come from wherever they will, even if they don’t logically progress from earlier ideas.  Let your intuition guide you.  Give you imagination free rein.  Expand your possibilities in one direction today, and expand them in another direction tomorrow.  No buts.  No boundaries.  No rules.  No limitations.

Keep ‘em Coming

Just as there is an infinite expanse of possibilities out there waiting to be noticed, you have an infinite creative potential for conceiving, receiving, exploring, and discovering.  Your subconscious mind loves to come up with ideas.  Unfortunately, most people find it easier to shut down their creativity than encourage it.  Perhaps you’ve developed the habit of saying, “Whoa!”  “Not now!”  “Not yet!”  No way!”  “Can’t do it.”  Here’s a good way to reverse that practice.

Keep a notebook called “My Idea Log.”  Write your Intention Statement at the top of one of the pages.  (Perhaps you are working with many intentions, so each one will have a page – or a section – in your notebook.)  Whenever you have an idea related to your intention, write it in the log.  This will be a running brainstorming session, and the same rules apply:  Everything gets written down.  No judging.  No discussion.  No cross talk.  No sorting or organizing.  Allow repetition.  Encourage the far-out.  Write down everything that comes to mind.

Perhaps most of the things you write down will be about how, at least at first.  Writing them in the Idea Log serves the following purposes:

1.    You signal your subconscious that you’re listening, and this encourages more and more ideas.

2.    By noting your how ideas on paper, yet staying intentionally focused on the what, you strengthen your partnership with the universe.  In essences you affirm your understanding that what is up to you, and you trust the universe to handle how.

3.    When it comes time for you to take action, you’ll have an amazing source of ideas already at hand.

Remember, the possibilities are without end.  The calmer you are, the more vividly you will see an ever-expanding range of options – most of which are already sitting right under your nose.

For personal one-on-one coaching, please contact me email me: kathy@kathyjacobson.com


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Posted in Calmness, Interpreter Mode, Neutrality, Observer Mode, Possibilities, Victim Mode, manifestation | 2 Comments »

Be Your Magnetic Self

Sunday, November 14th, 2010

Almost anywhere you turn, you can run into a concept called “The Law of Attraction.”  It’s the latest iteration of ancient wisdom.  Two and a half millennia ago, the Buddha said, “As we think, so we become.”

Yes, what we think is critical to our results.  This does not mean it’s possible to think something into existence.  Napoleon Hill, the author of Think and Grow Rich and a major modern source on the subject said, “First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality.”  Somehow thoughts need to be transformed into reality, and transformation always takes energy.

Energy requires a power source.  In the physical sense, that’s the sun; one way or another all available  energy comes from the sun.  In the metaphysical sense, where does personal power some from?  Actually, I don’t know; maybe we also get it from the sun.  What I do know is that every human being has an unlimited amount of personal power stored inside, sort of like the sun.  Most of us tap into a very miniscule amount of inner power, so maybe a more apt analogy would be a volcano.  Consider the vast energy of a latent volcano, and imagine a tiny wisp of steam escaping through a geyser pool.  We possess that vast energy, but we use only that wisp of steam.

As you live your life, this infinite power source matters in two ways – the amount you access at any given time, and the pressure that builds inside when you keep that energy closed off.

Your power to “attract” comes from within.  Attraction is magnetism.  (Okay, so you’re a volcano and a magnet.)  Magnetism pulls.  You energize your connection with what you’ve chosen, and that creates the pull.  When you entice what you’ve chosen to come to you, it’s more likely to come.  Nothing pushes.

Except no two people engage their magnetic energy in exactly the same way.  In this article I’m presenting four approaches.  One may immediately resonate with you, or you may want to experiment until you discover the way that will work most powerfully for you.

Think

An amazing number of sources advise getting out of your head.  Or to avoid the “paralysis of analysis.”  Or to stop over-thinking.  Some experts even claim the mind’s the enemy.

What they really mean is, “Don’t think yourself into a pit.”  When you get caught up in some story, that story is probably wrong, and faulty premises always produce faulty conclusions.  But that’s not the fault of the mind.  The mind is an excellent, highly-evolved, most wonderful aspect of the human state.  Use your mind well, and it will assist you in marvelous ways.  Be confident of your mind and yourself, and confidence will turn on your magnetic field.

Confidence is freedom from doubt.  To increase your confidence, try the following:

  • Honor your past accomplishments.

Do you find yourself downplaying your role in something that went well?  Perhaps you’ve been taught not to toot your own horn, or not to get a swelled head, or not to get too big for your britches.  Break free of those restrictions and recognize your strengths, your abilities, your contributions.  Make this self-assessment of your accomplishments as a neutral observer.  Send both the harsh judge and the meek supplicant out of the room.  For this exercise, you need neither humility nor ego; you do need detachment and curiosity.

  • Acknowledge your talents and abilities.

Every human being is gifted.  Your gifts may have shown up early in your life, you may have grown up honoring and cultivating them.  Maybe you didn’t start to discover what you’re good at until you had a chance to explore and experiment.  Perhaps your faults and flaws and weaknesses were more readily reinforced than your strengths.  Turn off every one else’s voice besides your own and recognize your strengths.  Honor who you are.  Also honor who you are not.

  • Recognize the ways in which your choices are true for you.

If you try to force fit yourself into something that is not true for you, you will experience struggle and disappointment.  If you resist something that is true for you, you will experience struggle and unhappiness.  Untrue choices never respond well to the Law of Attraction.  True choices come with ease and joy.

  • Invest your awareness in whatever you’ve chosen.

Be mindful.  Stay attentive.  Visualize.  Affirm.  Reinforce.  Love.  Enjoy.  Imagine the result of what you want.

Act

Action is probably the point of most disagreement when it comes to the Law of Attraction.  On the most ethereal end of the scale, where the emphasis is on thinking something into existence, action is often scorned.  On the most practical end of the scale, action is The Way – if you don’t do, you don’t get.

For some people, action is the most important component, and therefore the essence of their personal power.  However, power responds better to some implementations than others.  Action likes to be invited, not forced.  In fact, enjoyment is the most important ingredient in all actions intended to attract.  Invite what you’ve chosen to attract to come out and play.

To increase enjoyment, try the following:

  • Delight in your self, in your choices, in your partners, and in The Infinite.

To increase your delight in yourself, imagine yourself as a loving parent entranced by a toddler.  Imagine you are the toddler and a loving parent applauds and encourages everything you do.  Even if you’re stumbling around and making mistakes, let yourself experience surprise and delight at you just being you.

To increase your delight in your choices, imagine each choice as a Christmas present, unwrap it and rediscover every wonderful thing that makes it attractive to you.

To increase your delight in your partners (including those of non-human nature), identify them, reach out to them with acceptance and appreciation, and celebrate their contributions to your efforts.

To increase your delight in The Infinite, think of the best friend you ever had, the one you’ve always had the most fun with.  Then imagine The Infinite in that role, with a sense of humor and a sense of adventure, a friend who hates to be left behind.

  • Realize your talents and abilities are both opportunity and responsibility.

Here you sit, a bundle of creative talent and energetic ability.  It’s as if you are both artist and studio.  You are all the paints and canvases and palettes and brushes.  You are also the artist who can turn you into a masterpiece.  You can.  And you have everything you need.  And if you don’t, who will?

  • Reinforce your choices by your actions.

Look at what you want to attract.  Choose it.  Then assess what you need to learn, what skills you need to acquire, what effort might be required to reach the level you aspire to.  Then go to work.  You can’t be a best-selling novelist without putting words on a page.  You can’t run a marathon without putting in the miles.

  • Engage all your partners in the how.

I often advise my clients to concentrate on what and surrender how to The Infinite.  Expand that idea.  Reach out to every person or thing or energy involved in your endeavor and invite their help.  Let your friends, your tools, your resources, and your beliefs be a part of the action.

Feel

Emotion is energy.  Every emotion you experience emits an energy that goes somewhere.  When you’ve chosen something you want to attract, your feelings matter.  They help or they hinder.  They rarely do nothing.

This is true for everyone, but for some people emotional energy impacts their ability to attract more than either thoughts or actions.  For these people, Emotions can be obstacles that block attraction in ways Thoughts and Actions can’t break through.  If your attractive power comes from your heart, your best approach is to remove those emotional barriers and open the flow.  The key is tranquility, which is essentially freedom from stress.

To increase tranquility, try the following:

  • Release all attachments and expectations.

To release attachments, let words like should, must, necessary, and can’t become signal lights.  When they enter your thoughts, recognize them as indicators of an emotional attachment to something that causes stress – such as a belief.  No, it’s not all up to you.  No, you don’t have to work twice as hard.  No, what you’ve chosen doesn’t have to be difficult.  Yes, you have within you all the abilities and strengths needed for this choice.

To release expectations, expand your vision of the possible.  Make a list of all the possibilities you can think of – good and bad.  Recognize it’s all possible, then cross off the ones you don’t want.  This lets all those you consider acceptable to move from possible to probable.  You make way for your Best Good.

  • Believe your talents and abilities are aligned with your best good.  Believe a miracle is possible

Take the previous suggestion one step further.  Imagine the most miraculous way your choice could manifest.  Let your emotional response to that probability expand until your entire body tingles with it.  Relax into that energy without letting it congeal into an absolute, and then carry that tranquility around with you.

  • Give and take in equal portions.

Most people who access their power through the heart find it easy to give.  They tend to be caregivers, teachers, ministers, healers, and giving is what they do.  Many of them find it difficult to be on the receiving end.  Welcome the efforts of your partners, your patients, your congregation, your students, and The Infinite to help you on your way.

  • Energize your choices with your emotions.

Removing resistance and stress must come first.  Once you’ve achieved tranquility, add those creative emotions that will energize your magnetism:  respect, compassion, gratitude, peace and authenticity.

Leap

Do you often get ideas that seem to come out of nowhere?  Maybe a creative solution to a problem, or a sudden urge to walk down an unknown street and turn into the first restaurant you come to, or a decision to go back to school.  Perhaps you can find the seeds of thought or latent emotions that inspired it, but you couldn’t track back through the progression that took you from Point A to Point B.

Sometimes you look at such intuitive leaps and think, “Yeah!  Of course!  Exactly what I was looking for.”  Sometimes you think, “Really?  That’s got to be the craziest thing ever.”  Intuition can be both disconcerting and energizing.  If you’re operating from some level of struggle or judgment, it’s generally wiser not to leap.  If you’re operating from some level of calm or creativity, the energy can pull you in the direction of something you’ve chosen to attract.  To improve the magnetism of your intuition, let yourself reside in a state of willingness.

To increase willingness try the following:

  • Believe what you choose is possible.

You know the old saying, “Whether you believe you can or you believe you can’t, you’re right.”  Well, it’s true.  From a place of calm neutrality, probe for what you believe about yourself and what you’ve chosen to attract.  If your current belief doesn’t allow for it to be possible – even probable – decide what you want to believe instead, and adopt the new belief.

  • Synchronize your choices with your talents and abilities.

You have the talent and the ability to do (or have, or be) whatever you choose.  If those talents and abilities are not fully developed, or if you are not employing them fully, bring them up to speed.  Become the person who does (or has, or is) whatever it is you’ve chosen.

  • Simplify your thoughts, action and emotions.

Perhaps when you’ve made some intuitive leap, you’re one of those people who has to make it make sense.  Relax.  Let go of all those loose ends you’re grasping at.  Let whatever you’re wrestling with assume its simplest, easiest form.  Let it tell you what to do with it.

  • Facilitate what you’ve chosen to attract by getting out of your own way.

Any leap can become encumbered.  Add a touch of fear, a dab of protection, a bit of defensiveness, a sprinkle of meekness, and before you know it you’re facing a major obstacle of your own making.  How can you possibly expect whatever your trying to attract to get through?  Dismantle such roadblocks.  Clear the way.  If you believe your choice is possible, you can also believe it’s easy.

If what you’ve been trying to attract remains elusive, I invite you to contact me for empowerment coaching.  Email me at kathy@kathyjacobson.com.

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Posted in Acceptance, Attention, Attraction, Body Power, Calmness, Choice, Cooperation, Curiosity, Gut Power, Heart Power, Mind Power, Miracles, Neutrality, Possibilities, Surrender, The Law of Attraction, Trust, Willingness, personal power | 43 Comments »

Willingness

Sunday, October 10th, 2010

Last week I explored some principles about operating from Observer mode and calmness.  (See Calm and Curious.) It seems calmness both precedes and results from neutrality, and neutrality is the essential state of Observer mode.  Only then do positive possibilities become evident.  (See Emotions List.)

Today I’m taking the same principle to the next level with an exploration of the relationship between partner mode and  willingness.  Willingness both precedes and results from cooperation, and cooperation is the essential state of Partner mode.

To get a feel for this relationship between willingness and cooperation, compare two situations in your own life.  First, identify a satisfying relationship, one that comes easily, that you enjoy, with a fair exchange of energy between you and the other member of the partnership.  (This “other” might be a person, or it might be some aspect of your life such as your health, your garden, your job, etc.)   Take a moment to think about the relationship and savor it.  Notice the energy that hums through your body.  See if you can name what you feel.

Now identify a challenging relationship in your life, one fraught with conflict, disappointment, struggle, or frustration.  (Again, this relationship might be with a non-person: your job, your finances, the neighbor’s dog, etc.)  As you think about this relationship, notice the changes that take place in your body, any differences in tension.  Again, see if you can name what you feel.

Look at the Patterns

In the first instance, you probably trust the relationship, have confidence in both yourself and “the other,” a belief things will work out, and a subconscious expectation that what’s true now will continue to be true in the future.  You experience the energy of wellness, eagerness, pleasure.  You may feel light, happy, peaceful.

In the second instance, it’s likely your trust and confidence run in the other direction, and you probably have a subconscious expectation that if anything changes it will go from bad to worse.  You experience stress, tension, doubt, perhaps anxiety.

All emotions of Partner mode have an element of willingness embedded within them.  Therefore, from Partner mode, you bring acceptance, confidence, empathy, trust, appreciation to the situation.

It’s essential to remember, however, that willingness arises from calmness.  You must become neutral first.  (Calm and Curious) When you are calm, you can be curious.  From curiosity, it’s fairly easy to step into willingness.

Consider willingness as the opposite of willfulness.  Willfulness wants to control, to know all the steps between Point A and Point B.  Willfulness doesn’t realize that control is a form of resistance, so all that energy you invest in making something happen becomes the restraining force that obstructs your intention.

Willingness, on the other hand, holds the energy of the end result, and you can use that energy to create a space for an intention to unfold.

Following are some techniques for practicing willingness and creating the partnerships you want in your life.  Some of them will work better for you than others.  Experiment with them to discover which ones produce the greatest state of willingness within you.

Practicing Willingness

When you think about partnership, consider first who or what you want to partner with, such as another person or an outcome such as wellness or prosperity.  Yet the first partnership must always be with yourself.  (Just as calmness is a way of being, so is willingness.)  You must be willing to just be.

And you must be calm.  To become calm, use one or more of the techniques from Calm and Curious. Then you’ll be ready for this next level of practice.

Adopt Willingness

  • Accept the consequences of your choices.  Where you are today and what you have today are the results of your past choices.  Acknowledge those choices without judgment, without second guessing them or trying to psychoanalyze them.  Take full responsibility for them, then recognize them and let them be.  Release any resistance you have toward them or any discomfort they produce within you.  Only by owning them can you release the hold they have on you.  Willingness requires your full realization of your power of choice.
  • Imagine the best possible outcome.  Partnerships are synergistic, producing far better results than either partner could produce alone.  Imagine yourself bringing your highest ability and energy, and imagine your partner also operating at the highest level of power.  What can you imagine will come from this extraordinary combination?  Once you have an idea of what’s possible, see if you can double that result.  Imagine an amazing miracle.  Embed the possibility of such a miracle in your consciousness.
  • Recognize physical tension and discomfort as signals of resistance.  It’s not necessary to identify what you’re resisting; simply working with the knot (or pain or strain or block) will release resistance and welcome willingness.  In our culture, we tend to attribute such knots to stress, lack of sleep, poor posture, not enough exercise, a strain, or some other outer source.  When you rename it resistance, you acknowledge an inner source, and this empowers you to be pro-active instead of reactive.  Begin by letting your body go soft, as soft as you can.  Now, focus your attention on the discomfort and let your mind unwind the tension.  You might imagine a spring uncoiling, or a tangle of yarn relaxing into a smooth strand, or boiling water cooling to calmness.  Use whatever image your mind comes up with and consciously turn resistance into willingness.
  • Remove urgency.  Separate time from a task, goal or intention by investing your energy in the end result rather than a schedule.  Pressure, importance, immediacy, and deadlines are all forms of resistance.  Willingness relies on acceptance, confidence, pleasure, respect, fun and attention.  Give your attention to the end result rather than the clock.  And have fun.

Enact Willingness

  • Lower your voice.  For most people, voice volume reflects negative emotional energy.  Turning down the volume often relaxes the driving forces of Interpreter mode emotions.
  • Simplify your actions.  Since effective partnerships are those in which both parties join efforts, be willing to let your partner contribute.  Identify your partner.  Recognize the assets and energy your partner brings into the equation.  Release any need you have to take on your partner’s share of the energy.  (The Infinite is always immediately available to partner with you.)
  • Whatever the intention of your partnership, put some element of the desired result into flow.  Perhaps you want a better job – identify what that better job would require from you (more ingenuity, more responsibility, a closer working relationship with your coworkers) and direct some of that energy to your present job.  Perhaps you want to increase your money stream – give some money away.  Perhaps you want to strengthen a relationship – identify a strengthening quality and give it freely to the other person.
  • Aid someone else.  Helping others provides many benefits.  Specific to willingness, you put generous energy into flow.  The more willingly you give, the more willingly you receive.

Energize Willingness

  • Find what you trust.  To enjoin in partnership with something or someone at an energetic level, you’re already adept at neutrality.  Without judgment, identify one or more aspects of the partnership you truly trust, and invest your emotional energy in what you know to be true.
  • Appreciate both your own contribution and that of your partner.  Right now, you may see your contribution as greater or lesser than that of your partner.  Stop comparing.  Acknowledge the energy you’re investing.  Acknowledge the benefits you gain by accepting the help of any partners, friends, allies, mentors, challengers, even adversaries.  When you’re aligned with something, the precise help you require may come from any quarter.
  • Celebrate being alive. You are a living, breathing, acting, energized human being.  Rejoice!
  • Adopt a daily spiritual practice.  Taking time each day to become quiet and mindful will bring you into greater harmony and partnership with yourself, and that sense of wholeness will translate naturally into a general state of willingness.

Some of the above techniques will work better for you than others.  I encourage you to play with them, experiment, try different ones in different situations.  Be a willing participant in your life, your endeavors, your desires and your experiences.

(If you would like to explore the ideas and strategies in this article, or if you like help applying them in your own life, I would like to work with you.  The first coaching session with me is always at no cost.  Send an email to: kathy@kathyjacobson.com )

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Posted in Acceptance, Calmness, Cause and Effect, Cooperation, Neutrality, Observer Mode, Partner Mode, Trust, Uncategorized, Willingness | 3 Comments »

Calm and Curious

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

I am visiting my grandson (and his parents).  Not that I’m prejudiced or anything, but little Asher has to be one of the cutest babies of all time.  He’s also the calmest child I’ve ever spent much time with – and the most curious.

These qualities of calmness and curiosity were evident when he was only a few weeks old; now at fifteen months they seem to shine out of his eyes.  He fusses only when he reaches the extremes of discomfort.  The rest of the time, he observes.  He’s friendly with everyone, and he grins with delight at just about anything that catches his attention. I’m captivated by his emerging personality. I’m also intrigued by the apparent relationship between calmness and curiosity.

A couple of years ago, when I first started thinking about observer emotions, I realized curiosity was a mental state that promotes calmness.  Watching Asher, I’ve been wondering which comes first.  Is calmness a prerequisite for curiosity?  Does curiosity promote calmness?  Or is this one of those cyclical relationships where you can’t have one without the other?  Together they are an extraordinary combination.

The Interrelationship

Calmness is free of judgment.  All emotions that contain judgment (irritation, frustration, greed, boredom, guilt, pity, doubt, etc) produce tension and/or stress.

To see this at work in your own life, identify a stress-laden emotion you have experienced recently, such as disappointment or impatience or embarrassment.  Revisit the situation in which you experienced it, and notice what happens within your body.  Do your shoulders tighten up?  Does your stomach clench?  Does your throat close?  Do your hands tremble?

Now pay attention to your thoughts.  See if you can identify the judgments underlying the emotion.  They may focus on blaming yourself:  It’s all my fault.  What’s wrong with me?   Why can’t I get my act together?  If only I had said something else (or known better, or planned ahead, or read between the lines).  What if I were different  (thinner, or more coordinated, or smarter, or richer, or had more time)?

Or perhaps your thoughts focus on blaming others:  It’s all their fault.  How can other people be so stupid (or cruel, or thoughtless, or impossible)?   If they would only listen. Why does s/he always have to act so smug (or indifferent, or have the last word)?

Or you may lay the blame on circumstances:  It’s the lousy economy.  My family was dirt poor.  Society doesn’t accept people like me.  This is because I was horribly injured by an accident (or a birth defect, or starvation, or a sadistic teacher).

Less Judgment = More calm

Now see if you can remove the judgment.  Perhaps one of the following techniques will help you stop playing the blame game:

  • Recognize everyone always does the best they can, given what they know and the skills they have.  You certainly do.  You never get up in the morning and think, “I wonder how many people I can obstruct today, or insult, or embarrass, or ignore.”  Nor do you read minds.  You get absorbed, you have goals and deadlines, and things come up.  Given your strengths and weaknesses, you do your best.  And so does everyone else.
  • Don’t take things personally.  Grow a couple of layers of thicker skin.  (Or become a duck and shed other people’s stuff the way a duck sheds water.)
  • Choose a neutral emotion – such as curiosity.

Curiosity calms both the mind and the emotions.  If the questions churning in your mind are any variation of the themes Why me? or How come? you will experience stress and tension.  When you change the question to What if . . .? your tension level immediately starts dropping.

Less Certainly = More Possibilities

Curiosity brushes aside certainly and opens the door to other possibilities:  What if the coworker who just snubbed you is preoccupied or overwhelmed?  What if everyone you encounter on the street isn’t looking at you with scorn?  What if your frustrating personal weaknesses are actually assets?  What if the most stress-producing person in your life is actually your greatest teacher?  What if it’s not your anxiety that keeps the plane in the air?  What if just because everyone else is passing around an infection, you don’t have to catch it?  What if money was easy?  What if you aren’t too old?

However, if tension has been your norm, your mind is probably more adept at putting up roadblocks than taking them down.  Most likely, an objection immediately follow your initial what if question.  For instance, you might ask, What if I could have a pleasant relationship with my child? and the buts come flowing in.  But she’s such a brat, but she’s always on the go, but she’s got that nose ring, but she misinterprets everything I say, but I get so sarcastic.

Push past the obstacles with more what if questions.  Stay curious.  What if I could I could truly ignore the nose ring?  What if I could adopt a different tone of voice?  What if I concentrated on what I love about her?  What if I could induce her to bring her friends here to hang out?  What if I weren’t quite so reactive?  What if I let her have the consequences of her actions?  What if she loves me as much as I love her?  What if I could always stay calm with her?

Calmness allows thoughts to flow without distortion.  The emotions that cause tension (because they include judgment) almost always impede clear thinking.  For example, frustration often sends the mind into stories of what’s wrong; ambition reduces the worth of both other people and current circumstances; remorse tends to grab and expand blame; envy gives significance to what others have while discounting what you have.  Such stories make assumptions, twist facts, draw false conclusions, and reinforce the underlying emotions.

More Calm = More Flexibility

Calmness, on the other hand, frees the mind of such congestion.  When you can step away from a stress-generating emotion and into calmness, your mind will become clearer.  You are able to challenge your assumptions, cull out the actualities, look for additional possibilities, and gain the flexibility of curiosity.

Consider for a moment the difference between flexibility and rigidity.  Few things in nature are rigid, and those that are “suffer” most when assailed by strong forces.  Trees sway in the wind, ground shifts, ice flexes; that which is most supple and flexible seems to survive best.  On the other hand, as the red rock canyon country of Utah illustrates, even solid rock doesn’t withstand the assaults of water and wind.

The human body has greater strength and longevity when it’s kept flexible through exercise and use.  The human mind has greater creativity and accumulates more knowledge when it’s kept flexible through curiosity.  Curiosity is a lot like water, always looking for a way out or through or over or under, preferring flow to stagnation, able to wash away impurities, essential to life.  Curiosity allows thoughts to stay elastic and helps emotions to become calm.

More Curiosity = More Elasticity

Curiosity also dismisses expectations.  There’s an old saying that expectations are pre-formed disappointments.  Actually the life-cycle of a disappointment begins with some kind of judgment.  Imagine, for example, you just had your annual review at work, and on a scale of 1 – 10, you were given a rating of 5.  Average.  You know you’re excellent at your job.  You work hard, you solve problems, you have the esteem of your co-workers, your boss includes you in high-level planning.  What’s with the 5?  You’ve never gotten less than an 8!

Pride depends on measuring, comparing and rating; it thrives on reassurance, outside validation, and recognition.  So your pride has been wounded, and you spin a story:  They don’t value me.  Their priorities are all mixed up.  Their policies are stupid.  They don’t deserve me. The more the story churns around, the more wounded and disappointed you feel.  What if you could set your pride aside and let your curiosity explore other possibilities, see the situation from other angles?

Perhaps the company just changed the rating system.  Perhaps your manager has been told he must use a bell curve.  Perhaps you’re already slightly over paid and someone else doing the same job way underpaid.  Perhaps the company’s expectations of you are already so high, you’d have to pull rabbits out of hats to exceed how highly they think of you.  Perhaps you can emotionally detach from any external rating scale.  You can certainly explore your options:  you can challenge your review, you can set new goals for yourself, you can find a mentor, you can quit.

Being calm and being curious play off each other.  When you are calm, you can be curious; when you are curious, calm follows.  Together, they infuse your thinking with creativity and they ease your emotions out of stress and into serenity.  Because they are so closely tied together, you can start with either one and find the other.

Mastering Curiosity

To become curious, ask such questions as:

  • What if what I think isn’t true?
  • What other factors than I can see might be in play?
  • What if my premises are wrong?
  • What if my emotions are getting in the way?
  • What other possibilities exist?
  • What can I do differently?
  • What expectations have I been holding?

Mastering Calm

To become calm, you can focus on calming your mind, calming your body or calming your emotions.  As soon as one you soothe one aspect of your being, the other aspects will follow.  Try one or more of the following techniques.  (Their effectiveness for you may vary by situation.)

To calm your body:

  • Breathe deeply.  Inhale slowly into your diaphragm, paying attention to the air all the way in and all the way out.  Be with your body.  Repeat 4-6 times.  The body relaxes with such regulated and increased oxygenation.
  • Open your senses.  Pay attention to what you can hear, what you can see, what you can smell, what you can taste, and/or what you can feel.  Your senses are your access to the world, and compared to your own stress, the world is very stable.
  • Be in nature.  Go outside and be open to temperature, weather, plants, animals, and your body’s responses.  Nature is generous, inspiring, settling and calming.
  • Expand your body from within.  Become tall, lengthen your neck, broaden your shoulders, expand your rib cage, lengthen your arms and legs, stretch your skin.  When your body is tight, it hoards tense emotions; when your body is expanded, it welcomes generous emotions.

To calm your mind:

  • Count your blessings.  Think of five things you’re thankful for and savor them.  Especially be mindful to the blessings and advantages you enjoy that you didn’t earn.  Appreciation of what’s good switches the mind off something you might be judging negatively.
  • Laugh out loud.  Chuckle, giggle, tee-hee.  Generate it from your belly, your chest, your throat, your nose, your toes.  Just find some form of laughter inside of you and let it come out your mouth.  Laughter is a very effective medicine.
  • See truth.  Think of something you know to be true.  Even small truths work well here:  The sun is shining (or it’s raining); I love my dog (or my child, or my spouse), I am well-fed (or hungry), I like ice cream (or swimming, or a good book, or martinis).  Truth will help you stop any story your mind might be spinning.
  • Be present.  Take note of whatever you are doing.  If you are eating, savor every bite; if you are working, focus on the task; if you are walking, observe the roll of your feet, the resilience of the ground, the sounds and textures of the environment.  Focus your mind on what is, and you will find ease from whatever story your brain is making up.

To calm your emotions:

  • Smile.  Researchers have discovered, using MRI, that turning up the corners of the mouth changes the way the synapses in the brain fire.  Just by smiling, you move your brain activity to a happier location of the brain.
  • See beauty.  Notice something you believe to be beautiful and savor it.  Seeing beauty is like seeing truth, except on the emotional level.  Enjoying the beautiful will ease your heart away from any agitation and cool heated emotions.
  • Be silly.  Stick out your tongue, wiggle your butt, dance a jig, cross your eyes – let down your defenses.  To be silly for even a few moments will helps you transcend any tension-causing rules that bind you to beliefs and behaviors that may not be true for you.
  • Evoke a neutral emotion.  Basically, this is letting go of judgment and becoming the observer.  That transition moves you from stress to serenity.

When you become calm, you can be curious.  When you allow yourself to be curious, you become calm.  Either way you come at it, when you are calm and curious, life is more interesting and more fun.


One of the services I provide for my clients is to help them develop strategies for mastering such aspects of their lives as calmness and curiosity.  If you could benefit from such help, please write to me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Posted in Beliefs, Calmness, Cause and Effect, Curiosity, Neutrality, Possibilities | 6 Comments »

Surety

Sunday, September 26th, 2010

Last week I emphasized the importance of conceptualizing what you want (instead of what you have) and then believing the result you imagine is possible.

When you believe something is possible, that belief establishes a surety around that possibility, increases its likelihood.  When you believe something is impossible, that belief establishes a surely which decreases the possibility.

The possibility, in and of itself, is neutral, neither likely nor unlikely, poised in the middle of a scale, yet having no power to tip the scale either way.  The force that tips the scale one direction or the other is belief.  Imagine the scale looks like this:

Impossible < Improbable < Possible > Probable > Inevitable

If you are neutral about a possibility, you sit in the middle of the scale.  More likely, you have a belief and the scale is already tipped in the direction of your belief.

Sometimes when you want something, you start at that middle point where everything is possible.  Perhaps what you want exceeds your knowledge of how to achieve it, but you know other people have reached a similar objective, which means it must be within reach.  Other people stay out of debt, other people weigh the right amount for their height, other people have jobs they love, other people have happy relationships.  Therefore, perhaps you can, too.  In this neutral state, you are calm, steady, interested, mindful.  Your sense of your own abilities allows for the likelihood of success as much as the likelihood of failure.

Sometimes, failure looms larger than success.  Maybe you doubt your abilities, your opportunities, or your luck; maybe you see obstacles or limitations in the way; maybe your experiences have taught you to keep your expectations in check.  Other people may have achieved what you want, but the path ahead seems overgrown with struggle and difficulty and attainment seems improbable.  Just thinking about it makes you tired.

Sometimes the desired result seems impossible, more fantasy than reality.  You’ve never actually seen anyone else achieve that “pie-in-the-sky” outcome, so you doubt the success stories.  Yeah, sure, John and Mary fell in love and lived happily-every-after, just like Prince Charming really saved Cinderella from a life of drudgery.  The sheer impossibility of the dream immobilizes you.

Other times, the scale tips toward attainment.  When you envision what you want, the way ahead looks clear.  You know what to do, you are willing to do it, and you feel confident.  With a good plan, a little luck, perhaps some help along the way, the possible becomes probable.  You proceed willingly and full of hope.

And sometime what you want shines ahead of you like a beacon, strong and bright.  You know you’re aligned with yourself and the universe.  Without conscious effort, your stride forward eagerly; all you have to do is head for it and it’s yours.  Inevitably.

So which comes first?  Your level of belief?  The energy you project?  Your degree of confidence?  The outcome you envision?

Actually, each of these elements contributes to the others.  You can shift your energy, you can reinforce your confidence, you can more clearly envision, or you can relax your doubt and expand your belief.

Belief Produces Results

Some things happen with such regularity and consistency, you know they’re true:  breathing, gravity, magnetism, the phases of the moon, trees lose their leaves in the fall, etc.  No belief is necessary.

Some things you have come to believe over the course of your lifetime and they also feel true.  Of course these things vary from person to person, but consider what you know vs. what you believe about such things as whether your parents love you, how smart (or athletic, or artistic) you are, whether the world is hostile or friendly, etc.

Then there are the things you hope to be true, such as that you will advance in your company, that you will find your soul mate, that your back will stop hurting, that you will get out of debt, etc.  Generally speaking, hope is the factor that sustains desires you’re not quite sure of.

And finally are the things you believe are not true.  This might include practices that make no sense to you, such as astrology, or alternate medicine, or prayer, or self-flagellation.  It might include things about yourself, including what you believe you are not talented in, or capable of, or have the resources for.

There’s an old adage that says, “Whether you believe you can or your believe you can’t, you’re right.”  If you’re willing to review your beliefs, you will find a strong positive correlation between what you believe and your results.

Clearly, if you change what you believe you will change your results.

Belief = Surety

The certainly of your belief about a given possibility, however, is only one of the sureties influencing your results.  There is also the surety of your own personal power.  Just as no two people access their own power in exactly the same way, not everyone comes to trust their personal power in the same way.  I’ve identified four important starting points for believing in your own inner strength.

A starting point means exactly that.  The point at which it’s easiest for you to become calm, recognize the possibilities, and proceed more confidently toward what you want.

As I describe these four starting points, consider your own approach and see which one resonates most with you.

Trust Yourself

You believe in your strengths.  You sense (or know) you have talents, abilities, knowledge, experience, and you know your strengths can (or have the potential to) serve you well.

The more you trust yourself, the more you grow in confidence.  As your confidence grows, you recognize you are competent, smart, inventive, brave.  You realize you can easily transfer a competence (or aspects of that competence) from one situation to another.  As a problem solver, you trust your ability to see the scope, identify the steps, and learn the details as you go.  So there’s no limit to the types of problems you can take on.

You know your strengths – and you maximize them.  You minimize your weaknesses.  You don’t claim to be something you’re not, but neither do you let insufficiencies get in your way.  If there’s something you can’t do, you know someone who can and you’re not afraid to ask.

Trust Your Choices

You believe in growth.  You sense (or know) there are no mistakes.  You rely on the laws of cause-and-effect, knowing every choice simply produces an outcome.  The outcome then produces knowledge, and knowledge produces growth.

As you learn from experience, you gain confidence in your ability to make informed decisions, to take the known variables into consideration, and to do the necessary research.  This empowers you to choose again, proceed into the unknown, and continue to accumulate new knowledge.

Because you look for growth, you take difficulties, obstacles, or mishaps in stride.  Sometimes you may feel as excited about what you’re learning as you are about reaching your objective.  For you, every choice opens the door to adventure, and learning what not to do is as satisfying as learning what to do.

Trust The Infinite

You believe in a higher power (call it God, Cosmic Consciousness, The Field, The Universe, The Source, The Higher Self), and you are willing to (or already do) cultivate a personal relationship with it.

You sense (or know) you are not alone.  The more you trust the influence of The Infinite in your life, the more you look for and practice communicating with it.  You recognize guidance is always available, you stay receptive, and you trust that guidance to ease your way.

In addition to guidance, your connection with The Infinite provides both serenity and protection.  It accompanies you when you take risks, it encourages curiosity and amusement, it provides comfort in times of trial and courage in times of difficulty.  The more you rely on The Infinite, the more you understand your life.

Trust Your Intuition

You believe in your “sixth sense.”  You sense (or know) you gather information not limited to your five physical senses, and you incorporate it (or would like to) into the way you go through life.

You may see this information as coming from somewhere outside yourself, or it feel like a “gut” instinct.  It helps you make connections between disparate things, find unique solutions to problems, understand yourself at a deeper level, and recognize unusual possibilities.

As you gain experience with your intuition, you recognize the importance of neutrality, since prejudices of any kind will skew your insight.  The more you clear away intrusive thoughts, unruly emotions or impetuous behaviors, the more trustworthy your intuition becomes.  Ultimately, your intuition will guide you to the truest intentions, the most rewarding partnerships, and sustainable achievements.

Acquire Surety Through Mindfulness

So, you’ve found your starting place.  You’ve identified the one that resonates with you, and you want to expand your trust level.  Begin by mastering neutrality and stay mindful.  Just as each of these styles of surety can help you access and master your own personal power, they all present challenges along the way.

Beware of pride, ambition, fanaticism, arrogance, or a need for validation.  Be wary of any inner narratives that compare, measure or dispense judgment in any way.  Cultivate neutrality, awareness, generosity and compassion.  Pay attention to your thoughts, acknowledge your emotions, recognize the connection between the energies you generate and your results.  And be willing to take baby steps.  Progress of a slow but sure nature will bring you to the greatest levels of sureness and mastery.

If you would like person help creating the life you want, or mastering your personal power, please contact me.  As I life coach, I help people “move to the next level,” whatever that means to you.  Write me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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