Archive for the ‘Cause and Effect’ Category

Observer Power

Sunday, October 16th, 2011

Like cars in amusement parks, our direction is often determined through -collisions.” –Yahia Lababidi

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote of my shift away from the assumption we all create our own realities.  Sometimes it’s easy to see a correlation between intention and result; far more often the relationship seems strained or non-existent.  The more I struggled with cause-and-effect at this level, the more I came to believe accidents do happen.

However, while I see no evidence everyone creates their own realities in every situation, I still believe we can create the lives we want.  I believe we do influence our results far more than we realize.  I came to frame this as living On Purpose rather than living By Accident.

The more we choose to live On Purpose, the more we avoid living By Accident.  Today, I’ll focus on becoming the Observer as a first step toward living more fully on purpose.

By Accident or On Purpose

Living By Accident seems to be the general result of operating from Interpreter Mode.   Once I accepted that emotions have power, I had to question the various ways the different emotions exert their power.  Some emotions attract, some create, some reinforce, some block, some prohibit, and some contribute.  The more we understand the power of emotions, the greater our ability to wield that power purposefully.

When we’re in Interpreter Mode, however, we tend to let our emotions take charge.  We may defer to them, succumb to them, or let them rule us.  If we try to fight our emotions, we wage war against ourselves.  Whether we submit to them or defy them, they influence our lives and our choices.

During my training to become a coach, we were given the assignment to develop our own coaching model.  I had been gestating my philosophy of cause-and-effect for many years, so I played around with ways to express it.  I came up with a three step process:

  1. Choose what you want (set an intention)
  2. Align your thoughts, actions and emotions with each other and with your intention
  3. Receive the miracle

The Model in Action

As I’ve used this model in my work with clients, sometimes the process is clear, straight-forward and effective:  Choice + Unification = Miracle.  Occasionally, a client struggles with making a choice; more often the real work comes in unifying thoughts, actions and emotions.  Wherever the struggle arises, the very presence of struggle indicates Interpreter Mode.  So we work together to acknowledge the emotions generated by the struggle and then we probe for the judgment that triggers the emotion.  Then we look to Observer Mode and find an emotion from that level to release the judgment.  As soon as someone moves from Interpreter to Observer, the struggle evaporates.

The same process will work for you:

  1. Become mindful of the struggle.
  2. Acknowledge your emotions.
  3. Probe for the judgment embedded in what you feel.
  4. Use an emotion from Observer Mode to release the judgment.

Stepping into Observer Mode

There is one small snag that can throw this process into chaos – beware the tendency to judge yourself for judging.  Especially be mindful of judging your own emotions.  If you criticize something you feel, what you feel doesn’t go away, it just goes into hiding.

Unfortunately, self-judgment is almost inevitable.  Parents, ministers, teachers, counselors, and others with influence ( including friends and enemies) join together in teaching us the difference between what’s good and what’s bad.  Most of us equate positive emotions with “good” and negative emotions with “bad”.  We don’t want to be bad, we don’t want other people to think we’re bad, so we try not to let “bad” emotions show.

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I know I shouldn’t feel that way.”?  The fact is, you do feel that way.  The emotions at Interpreter level are human nature.  You’re human.  Naturally you feel that way.  You experience hunger, frustration, sorrow, bitterness, certainty, worry, exasperation, etc. etc. etc.  And if you’re not willing to become mindful of those feelings, acknowledge them, and understand them, they become buried alive inside your heart, your mind and your body.  They exert their influence, silently but effectively, affecting your health, your relationships, your productivity and your results.  It’s not a matter of should or shouldn’t. It’s a matter of cause-and-effect.

You can, however, choose something else anytime you want.  That’s the power of choice.  When you’re in the middle of a struggle, when you’re operating from Interpreter Mode, the easiest way to choose something else is to become neutral about what is.

Being able to Observe what is and relax judgment creates the strongest foundation for any purposeful choice.  (Not just your choice of emotions.)  If you want more money, become neutral about your current income level.  If you want better health, become neutral about your infirmities.  If you want a relationship, become neutral about your loneliness.

Neutrality has power

When I first started exploring the power of neutrality, I used the word acceptance. I would say, “Accept what is.”  And almost always, I’d get an argument.  Most people think to accept meant to accommodate, to acquiesce, to abide, to tolerate.  Most people think it means resigning one’s self, giving in, perhaps giving up.  Whatever is wrong becomes the enemy, and the way to deal with an enemy is to fight, rebel, battle against, dispute.  No acceptance, no negotiation, no quarter.  No one wants to be a quitter or a loser.

Of course not.  You want to conquer, overcome, win, succeed.  Unfortunately, fighting keeps the war going.  Rebellion incites the enemy.   Disputation opens the way for more arguments.  Resistance increases tension, and struggle increases agitation.  I began to see every conflicted situation as a great big mire of quicksand.  Although I have never personally experienced quicksand, I know the folklore.  The more you struggle, the more you sink; to get free, stop struggling and let your body float to the top.  Once you’re floating on top, it takes very little effort to propel yourself to solid ground.

All emotions at interpreter level indicate a struggle against something, and the more you struggle, the more you resist what is, the more the quicksand pulls you in.  To rise to the surface of the quicksand, stop struggling.  Become the Observer.  Let go of whatever you’re struggling with, and it will let go of you.  When you find yourself on solid ground, it feels miraculous.

Open the Door to Possibilities

You can look around and see what’s possible.  You have more time.  You have more energy.   You have access to more resources.  You can recruit allies.  You have options.

Perhaps, when you are struggling in quicksand, you can imagine something else, but the struggle monopolizes you.   The struggle, far more than the situation, holds you captive.  In Observer Mode, you can see possibilities, opportunities, prospects, ways and means.  You can take fresh stock of your resources.  Gratitude becomes your mantle.  Ease replaces effort.

Entering observer mode is like getting out of debt.  No more hidden fees, no more monthly payments, no more collection notices.  Every emotion in Interpreter Mode exacts a toll.  Emotions in Observer Mode cost nothing – and more than that, they bestow blessings.

Costs and Benefits

One of the costs of Interpreter Mode is the interference these emotions interject into your choices.  Whenever you are mired in Interpreter Mode, your view of possibilities will be severely restricted.  How can you see what’s possible when you’re so busy trying not to sink you can’t wipe the mud out of your eyes?  When you view is this obstructed, you cannot be true to yourself.  Observer Mode is like washing the windows or taking off the blinders.  Suddenly you can see more clearly and more truly.  Observer Mode lets your heart speak clearly, lets your mind think clearly, and lets you direct your actions more surely.

One of the blessings of observer Mode is the freedom from struggle.  Find self-acceptance and you relax self-doubt.  Find amusement and you relax impatience.  Relax dread and you find excitement.  Find tolerance and you relax disappointment.  Find hope and you relax melancholy.  Observer Mode blesses you with ease.

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Posted in Cause and Effect, Choice, Interpreter Mode, Observer Mode, personal power | Comments Off

Look Differently, See Differently

Sunday, October 24th, 2010

It’s been said in Utah that everyone’s a Mormon – a Mormon, a non-Mormon, or an ex-Mormon.  Recently I heard a terrific reply – “Yeah, and everyone’s a chicken, a Chicken, or a non-Chicken, or an ex-Chicken.”

Clearly, it’s a matter of perspective.  If you happen to be a chicken, you probably see everything from the perspective of chicken or not-chicken.  (Do you suppose they have any concept of ex-chicken?)  As a person, you have probably never considered yourself to be a non-chicken.

No, you’re not a chicken, you’re a human being.  And human beings have a strong tendency to think in dichotomous terms – even when we can see the shades of gray.  Everywhere you turn there’s some way of looking at yourself that’s either/or:  Conservative/Liberal, Artistic/Scientific, City/Rural, Rich/Poor, Introvert/Extrovert, Nerd/Jock.  More sophisticated systems, such as Meyers-Briggs or the Ennead, bring other facets into the mix, expanding the number of possible factors.  Up to a point, such systems can expand our awareness; they can also become just another set of labels.  And labels, by nature, are always constraining.

Today, I want to explore some different ways of looking at yourself and your choices.

Character Traits

As a self-aware person you probably try to be mindful of both what you’ve got going for you and your challenges.  From a dichotomous perspective, you could sort the various aspects of your character into two columns – strengths and weaknesses.  But just naming them doesn’t tell you much about either.

Instead, consider the ways your “weaknesses” contribute to your “strengths.”  What if you’ve acquired your strengths because of something you consider a weakness?  What if a perceived weakness actually intensifies your strengths?  For instance:

  • Perhaps you’re always late.  Others (and maybe yourself) consider this a flaw – an insensitivity to other people’s time, a lack of self-discipline, carelessness, an insult, etc.  Perhaps you’re also highly creative, unrestricted, more in-the-clouds than on-solid-ground.  What if you’re creative because you’re unrestricted?  Or what if you can’t keep track of time because you give your creativity full rein?
  • Perhaps you have a poor memory.  You’re fully aware of this lack, and it’s always been a challenge.  Perhaps you’re also an expert in your field (maybe several different fields).  What if you delve more deeply into subjects because achieving understanding is your way to work around not being able to remember?  Or what if because you prefer to explore, you never committed any energy to cultivating your memory?
  • Perhaps you are extremely introverted, shy, unwilling to call attention to yourself. You often feel left out, even invisible.  Perhaps you’re a natural, instinctive observer and you’ve gained great wisdom through paying close attention to what goes on around you.  What if you pay attention to details others miss because you are quiet and reserved?  Or what if you think you’re shy only because you can’t observe as well when you’re caught up in the noise and drama of the crowd?

In one sense, the greatest strength and the greatest weakness are often opposite extremes of the same trait.  Even when you can’t see a continuum between something you consider a strength and something you consider a weakness, it’s entirely possible they expand each other.  In many instances, a strength contributes to a weakness, and a weakness contributes to a strength.

Features

When you’re shopping for a car, you decide the features you’re looking for – sun roof, heated seats, all-wheel drive, trunk space, etc.  When you’re looking for a job, you have a list of features you want – local, good hours, challenging but not stressful, benefits, etc.  When you’re looking for a romantic relationship, you have a list of desirable qualities – honest, good humor, age range, education level, shared values, etc.

If you find a car you like (or a job or a potential partner), but it doesn’t have everything on your list, you have to decide whether what is there matters more than what’s not there.

What if you fall in love with a car for a reason not on your list?  Say it’s a beautifully elegant hybrid, and when you sit at the wheel it feels as if it was crafted just for you, but it doesn’t have a sun roof or all-wheel drive.  You decide you can live without those features and you buy it.  So now it’s yours.  When you’re driving it around, do you care about what it doesn’t have?  Or do you appreciate what it does have?  To achieve the highest level of enjoyment with your car, find value in both what it has and what it doesn’t have.

Jobs and relationships are, of course, more complicated than cars simply because people are more complicated than machinery.  However, the same general rules apply.  When you’re giving your attention to what is not, you’re not giving your attention to what is.

Also, what is not might be contributing to what is. The remote, over-committed boss you complain about because you don’t get enough supervision might be the very reason you have a huge amount of autonomy and responsibility.  Your achievements at work might be possible because you have to self-manage and make up your job as you go.

It’s almost impossible to sort through the elements of a situation or a relationship and come out with an accurate picture of the ways the various factors influence each other.  It’s easier to appreciate what is and what is not, to honor what is and what is not, to celebrate what is and what is not.

Perceptions

Artists talk about negative space – the spaces between.  The trick is to look at the empty spaces and see what’s there.  This is a counter-intuitive approach.  We tend to look for what is there, to recognize the shape and color of what we can see.  When you look at a tree, you are more likely to look at the limbs and the leaves than at the shape of the sky between branches.

This tendency to look at what is applies to all aspects of our lives.  We tend to consider what we see as true and what we don’t see as not true.  Unfortunately, what we see is heavily influenced by such factors as upbringing, beliefs, experience, education, even personality.  When we believe something, we tend to look for supporting evidence – and what we look for we tend to see.  We’re also likely to reinterpret what we see to support a belief we already hold.

For example, do you believe other drivers are rude or considerate?  Either way, you can probably cite myriad instances to support your opinion.  As an experiment, I challenge you to start looking for evidence supporting the opposite of what you believe.  If you believe all drivers are rude, start noticing acts of consideration.  If you believe all drivers are considerate, start looking for rudeness.  Either way, you will find what you start looking for.

In Practice

Here are some examples of areas where a shift in perception can help you produce different results:

  • If you think your child is a brat, start looking for evidence of gentleness, consideration, good humor, or resilience.
  • If you think money is hard, start looking for evidence of ease, good fortune, plenty, or comfort.
  • If you think you have a terrible job, start looking for evidence of kindness, cooperation, appreciation, efficiency, or good results.
  • If you think your body is falling apart, start looking for what works well, where you don’t hurt, and notice when you feel good.

To take it one step further, act as if . . .

  • Your child is a delightful, enjoyable person.
  • Money comes easily and shows up unexpectedly.
  • The people you work with are kind, cooperative, appreciative and produce good results.
  • Your body is strong and healthy and wants to help you enjoy life.

When you look for something, you will probably find it.  When you bring your own positive, willing, eager energy to something, it will begin to respond in kind.

If you want to create different results in any area of your life, I invite you to contact me and investigate personal life coaching.

For a free exploratory session, write me at:   kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Willingness

Sunday, October 10th, 2010

Last week I explored some principles about operating from Observer mode and calmness.  (See Calm and Curious.) It seems calmness both precedes and results from neutrality, and neutrality is the essential state of Observer mode.  Only then do positive possibilities become evident.  (See Emotions List.)

Today I’m taking the same principle to the next level with an exploration of the relationship between partner mode and  willingness.  Willingness both precedes and results from cooperation, and cooperation is the essential state of Partner mode.

To get a feel for this relationship between willingness and cooperation, compare two situations in your own life.  First, identify a satisfying relationship, one that comes easily, that you enjoy, with a fair exchange of energy between you and the other member of the partnership.  (This “other” might be a person, or it might be some aspect of your life such as your health, your garden, your job, etc.)   Take a moment to think about the relationship and savor it.  Notice the energy that hums through your body.  See if you can name what you feel.

Now identify a challenging relationship in your life, one fraught with conflict, disappointment, struggle, or frustration.  (Again, this relationship might be with a non-person: your job, your finances, the neighbor’s dog, etc.)  As you think about this relationship, notice the changes that take place in your body, any differences in tension.  Again, see if you can name what you feel.

Look at the Patterns

In the first instance, you probably trust the relationship, have confidence in both yourself and “the other,” a belief things will work out, and a subconscious expectation that what’s true now will continue to be true in the future.  You experience the energy of wellness, eagerness, pleasure.  You may feel light, happy, peaceful.

In the second instance, it’s likely your trust and confidence run in the other direction, and you probably have a subconscious expectation that if anything changes it will go from bad to worse.  You experience stress, tension, doubt, perhaps anxiety.

All emotions of Partner mode have an element of willingness embedded within them.  Therefore, from Partner mode, you bring acceptance, confidence, empathy, trust, appreciation to the situation.

It’s essential to remember, however, that willingness arises from calmness.  You must become neutral first.  (Calm and Curious) When you are calm, you can be curious.  From curiosity, it’s fairly easy to step into willingness.

Consider willingness as the opposite of willfulness.  Willfulness wants to control, to know all the steps between Point A and Point B.  Willfulness doesn’t realize that control is a form of resistance, so all that energy you invest in making something happen becomes the restraining force that obstructs your intention.

Willingness, on the other hand, holds the energy of the end result, and you can use that energy to create a space for an intention to unfold.

Following are some techniques for practicing willingness and creating the partnerships you want in your life.  Some of them will work better for you than others.  Experiment with them to discover which ones produce the greatest state of willingness within you.

Practicing Willingness

When you think about partnership, consider first who or what you want to partner with, such as another person or an outcome such as wellness or prosperity.  Yet the first partnership must always be with yourself.  (Just as calmness is a way of being, so is willingness.)  You must be willing to just be.

And you must be calm.  To become calm, use one or more of the techniques from Calm and Curious. Then you’ll be ready for this next level of practice.

Adopt Willingness

  • Accept the consequences of your choices.  Where you are today and what you have today are the results of your past choices.  Acknowledge those choices without judgment, without second guessing them or trying to psychoanalyze them.  Take full responsibility for them, then recognize them and let them be.  Release any resistance you have toward them or any discomfort they produce within you.  Only by owning them can you release the hold they have on you.  Willingness requires your full realization of your power of choice.
  • Imagine the best possible outcome.  Partnerships are synergistic, producing far better results than either partner could produce alone.  Imagine yourself bringing your highest ability and energy, and imagine your partner also operating at the highest level of power.  What can you imagine will come from this extraordinary combination?  Once you have an idea of what’s possible, see if you can double that result.  Imagine an amazing miracle.  Embed the possibility of such a miracle in your consciousness.
  • Recognize physical tension and discomfort as signals of resistance.  It’s not necessary to identify what you’re resisting; simply working with the knot (or pain or strain or block) will release resistance and welcome willingness.  In our culture, we tend to attribute such knots to stress, lack of sleep, poor posture, not enough exercise, a strain, or some other outer source.  When you rename it resistance, you acknowledge an inner source, and this empowers you to be pro-active instead of reactive.  Begin by letting your body go soft, as soft as you can.  Now, focus your attention on the discomfort and let your mind unwind the tension.  You might imagine a spring uncoiling, or a tangle of yarn relaxing into a smooth strand, or boiling water cooling to calmness.  Use whatever image your mind comes up with and consciously turn resistance into willingness.
  • Remove urgency.  Separate time from a task, goal or intention by investing your energy in the end result rather than a schedule.  Pressure, importance, immediacy, and deadlines are all forms of resistance.  Willingness relies on acceptance, confidence, pleasure, respect, fun and attention.  Give your attention to the end result rather than the clock.  And have fun.

Enact Willingness

  • Lower your voice.  For most people, voice volume reflects negative emotional energy.  Turning down the volume often relaxes the driving forces of Interpreter mode emotions.
  • Simplify your actions.  Since effective partnerships are those in which both parties join efforts, be willing to let your partner contribute.  Identify your partner.  Recognize the assets and energy your partner brings into the equation.  Release any need you have to take on your partner’s share of the energy.  (The Infinite is always immediately available to partner with you.)
  • Whatever the intention of your partnership, put some element of the desired result into flow.  Perhaps you want a better job – identify what that better job would require from you (more ingenuity, more responsibility, a closer working relationship with your coworkers) and direct some of that energy to your present job.  Perhaps you want to increase your money stream – give some money away.  Perhaps you want to strengthen a relationship – identify a strengthening quality and give it freely to the other person.
  • Aid someone else.  Helping others provides many benefits.  Specific to willingness, you put generous energy into flow.  The more willingly you give, the more willingly you receive.

Energize Willingness

  • Find what you trust.  To enjoin in partnership with something or someone at an energetic level, you’re already adept at neutrality.  Without judgment, identify one or more aspects of the partnership you truly trust, and invest your emotional energy in what you know to be true.
  • Appreciate both your own contribution and that of your partner.  Right now, you may see your contribution as greater or lesser than that of your partner.  Stop comparing.  Acknowledge the energy you’re investing.  Acknowledge the benefits you gain by accepting the help of any partners, friends, allies, mentors, challengers, even adversaries.  When you’re aligned with something, the precise help you require may come from any quarter.
  • Celebrate being alive. You are a living, breathing, acting, energized human being.  Rejoice!
  • Adopt a daily spiritual practice.  Taking time each day to become quiet and mindful will bring you into greater harmony and partnership with yourself, and that sense of wholeness will translate naturally into a general state of willingness.

Some of the above techniques will work better for you than others.  I encourage you to play with them, experiment, try different ones in different situations.  Be a willing participant in your life, your endeavors, your desires and your experiences.

(If you would like to explore the ideas and strategies in this article, or if you like help applying them in your own life, I would like to work with you.  The first coaching session with me is always at no cost.  Send an email to: kathy@kathyjacobson.com )

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Posted in Acceptance, Calmness, Cause and Effect, Cooperation, Neutrality, Observer Mode, Partner Mode, Trust, Uncategorized, Willingness | 3 Comments »

Calm and Curious

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

I am visiting my grandson (and his parents).  Not that I’m prejudiced or anything, but little Asher has to be one of the cutest babies of all time.  He’s also the calmest child I’ve ever spent much time with – and the most curious.

These qualities of calmness and curiosity were evident when he was only a few weeks old; now at fifteen months they seem to shine out of his eyes.  He fusses only when he reaches the extremes of discomfort.  The rest of the time, he observes.  He’s friendly with everyone, and he grins with delight at just about anything that catches his attention. I’m captivated by his emerging personality. I’m also intrigued by the apparent relationship between calmness and curiosity.

A couple of years ago, when I first started thinking about observer emotions, I realized curiosity was a mental state that promotes calmness.  Watching Asher, I’ve been wondering which comes first.  Is calmness a prerequisite for curiosity?  Does curiosity promote calmness?  Or is this one of those cyclical relationships where you can’t have one without the other?  Together they are an extraordinary combination.

The Interrelationship

Calmness is free of judgment.  All emotions that contain judgment (irritation, frustration, greed, boredom, guilt, pity, doubt, etc) produce tension and/or stress.

To see this at work in your own life, identify a stress-laden emotion you have experienced recently, such as disappointment or impatience or embarrassment.  Revisit the situation in which you experienced it, and notice what happens within your body.  Do your shoulders tighten up?  Does your stomach clench?  Does your throat close?  Do your hands tremble?

Now pay attention to your thoughts.  See if you can identify the judgments underlying the emotion.  They may focus on blaming yourself:  It’s all my fault.  What’s wrong with me?   Why can’t I get my act together?  If only I had said something else (or known better, or planned ahead, or read between the lines).  What if I were different  (thinner, or more coordinated, or smarter, or richer, or had more time)?

Or perhaps your thoughts focus on blaming others:  It’s all their fault.  How can other people be so stupid (or cruel, or thoughtless, or impossible)?   If they would only listen. Why does s/he always have to act so smug (or indifferent, or have the last word)?

Or you may lay the blame on circumstances:  It’s the lousy economy.  My family was dirt poor.  Society doesn’t accept people like me.  This is because I was horribly injured by an accident (or a birth defect, or starvation, or a sadistic teacher).

Less Judgment = More calm

Now see if you can remove the judgment.  Perhaps one of the following techniques will help you stop playing the blame game:

  • Recognize everyone always does the best they can, given what they know and the skills they have.  You certainly do.  You never get up in the morning and think, “I wonder how many people I can obstruct today, or insult, or embarrass, or ignore.”  Nor do you read minds.  You get absorbed, you have goals and deadlines, and things come up.  Given your strengths and weaknesses, you do your best.  And so does everyone else.
  • Don’t take things personally.  Grow a couple of layers of thicker skin.  (Or become a duck and shed other people’s stuff the way a duck sheds water.)
  • Choose a neutral emotion – such as curiosity.

Curiosity calms both the mind and the emotions.  If the questions churning in your mind are any variation of the themes Why me? or How come? you will experience stress and tension.  When you change the question to What if . . .? your tension level immediately starts dropping.

Less Certainly = More Possibilities

Curiosity brushes aside certainly and opens the door to other possibilities:  What if the coworker who just snubbed you is preoccupied or overwhelmed?  What if everyone you encounter on the street isn’t looking at you with scorn?  What if your frustrating personal weaknesses are actually assets?  What if the most stress-producing person in your life is actually your greatest teacher?  What if it’s not your anxiety that keeps the plane in the air?  What if just because everyone else is passing around an infection, you don’t have to catch it?  What if money was easy?  What if you aren’t too old?

However, if tension has been your norm, your mind is probably more adept at putting up roadblocks than taking them down.  Most likely, an objection immediately follow your initial what if question.  For instance, you might ask, What if I could have a pleasant relationship with my child? and the buts come flowing in.  But she’s such a brat, but she’s always on the go, but she’s got that nose ring, but she misinterprets everything I say, but I get so sarcastic.

Push past the obstacles with more what if questions.  Stay curious.  What if I could I could truly ignore the nose ring?  What if I could adopt a different tone of voice?  What if I concentrated on what I love about her?  What if I could induce her to bring her friends here to hang out?  What if I weren’t quite so reactive?  What if I let her have the consequences of her actions?  What if she loves me as much as I love her?  What if I could always stay calm with her?

Calmness allows thoughts to flow without distortion.  The emotions that cause tension (because they include judgment) almost always impede clear thinking.  For example, frustration often sends the mind into stories of what’s wrong; ambition reduces the worth of both other people and current circumstances; remorse tends to grab and expand blame; envy gives significance to what others have while discounting what you have.  Such stories make assumptions, twist facts, draw false conclusions, and reinforce the underlying emotions.

More Calm = More Flexibility

Calmness, on the other hand, frees the mind of such congestion.  When you can step away from a stress-generating emotion and into calmness, your mind will become clearer.  You are able to challenge your assumptions, cull out the actualities, look for additional possibilities, and gain the flexibility of curiosity.

Consider for a moment the difference between flexibility and rigidity.  Few things in nature are rigid, and those that are “suffer” most when assailed by strong forces.  Trees sway in the wind, ground shifts, ice flexes; that which is most supple and flexible seems to survive best.  On the other hand, as the red rock canyon country of Utah illustrates, even solid rock doesn’t withstand the assaults of water and wind.

The human body has greater strength and longevity when it’s kept flexible through exercise and use.  The human mind has greater creativity and accumulates more knowledge when it’s kept flexible through curiosity.  Curiosity is a lot like water, always looking for a way out or through or over or under, preferring flow to stagnation, able to wash away impurities, essential to life.  Curiosity allows thoughts to stay elastic and helps emotions to become calm.

More Curiosity = More Elasticity

Curiosity also dismisses expectations.  There’s an old saying that expectations are pre-formed disappointments.  Actually the life-cycle of a disappointment begins with some kind of judgment.  Imagine, for example, you just had your annual review at work, and on a scale of 1 – 10, you were given a rating of 5.  Average.  You know you’re excellent at your job.  You work hard, you solve problems, you have the esteem of your co-workers, your boss includes you in high-level planning.  What’s with the 5?  You’ve never gotten less than an 8!

Pride depends on measuring, comparing and rating; it thrives on reassurance, outside validation, and recognition.  So your pride has been wounded, and you spin a story:  They don’t value me.  Their priorities are all mixed up.  Their policies are stupid.  They don’t deserve me. The more the story churns around, the more wounded and disappointed you feel.  What if you could set your pride aside and let your curiosity explore other possibilities, see the situation from other angles?

Perhaps the company just changed the rating system.  Perhaps your manager has been told he must use a bell curve.  Perhaps you’re already slightly over paid and someone else doing the same job way underpaid.  Perhaps the company’s expectations of you are already so high, you’d have to pull rabbits out of hats to exceed how highly they think of you.  Perhaps you can emotionally detach from any external rating scale.  You can certainly explore your options:  you can challenge your review, you can set new goals for yourself, you can find a mentor, you can quit.

Being calm and being curious play off each other.  When you are calm, you can be curious; when you are curious, calm follows.  Together, they infuse your thinking with creativity and they ease your emotions out of stress and into serenity.  Because they are so closely tied together, you can start with either one and find the other.

Mastering Curiosity

To become curious, ask such questions as:

  • What if what I think isn’t true?
  • What other factors than I can see might be in play?
  • What if my premises are wrong?
  • What if my emotions are getting in the way?
  • What other possibilities exist?
  • What can I do differently?
  • What expectations have I been holding?

Mastering Calm

To become calm, you can focus on calming your mind, calming your body or calming your emotions.  As soon as one you soothe one aspect of your being, the other aspects will follow.  Try one or more of the following techniques.  (Their effectiveness for you may vary by situation.)

To calm your body:

  • Breathe deeply.  Inhale slowly into your diaphragm, paying attention to the air all the way in and all the way out.  Be with your body.  Repeat 4-6 times.  The body relaxes with such regulated and increased oxygenation.
  • Open your senses.  Pay attention to what you can hear, what you can see, what you can smell, what you can taste, and/or what you can feel.  Your senses are your access to the world, and compared to your own stress, the world is very stable.
  • Be in nature.  Go outside and be open to temperature, weather, plants, animals, and your body’s responses.  Nature is generous, inspiring, settling and calming.
  • Expand your body from within.  Become tall, lengthen your neck, broaden your shoulders, expand your rib cage, lengthen your arms and legs, stretch your skin.  When your body is tight, it hoards tense emotions; when your body is expanded, it welcomes generous emotions.

To calm your mind:

  • Count your blessings.  Think of five things you’re thankful for and savor them.  Especially be mindful to the blessings and advantages you enjoy that you didn’t earn.  Appreciation of what’s good switches the mind off something you might be judging negatively.
  • Laugh out loud.  Chuckle, giggle, tee-hee.  Generate it from your belly, your chest, your throat, your nose, your toes.  Just find some form of laughter inside of you and let it come out your mouth.  Laughter is a very effective medicine.
  • See truth.  Think of something you know to be true.  Even small truths work well here:  The sun is shining (or it’s raining); I love my dog (or my child, or my spouse), I am well-fed (or hungry), I like ice cream (or swimming, or a good book, or martinis).  Truth will help you stop any story your mind might be spinning.
  • Be present.  Take note of whatever you are doing.  If you are eating, savor every bite; if you are working, focus on the task; if you are walking, observe the roll of your feet, the resilience of the ground, the sounds and textures of the environment.  Focus your mind on what is, and you will find ease from whatever story your brain is making up.

To calm your emotions:

  • Smile.  Researchers have discovered, using MRI, that turning up the corners of the mouth changes the way the synapses in the brain fire.  Just by smiling, you move your brain activity to a happier location of the brain.
  • See beauty.  Notice something you believe to be beautiful and savor it.  Seeing beauty is like seeing truth, except on the emotional level.  Enjoying the beautiful will ease your heart away from any agitation and cool heated emotions.
  • Be silly.  Stick out your tongue, wiggle your butt, dance a jig, cross your eyes – let down your defenses.  To be silly for even a few moments will helps you transcend any tension-causing rules that bind you to beliefs and behaviors that may not be true for you.
  • Evoke a neutral emotion.  Basically, this is letting go of judgment and becoming the observer.  That transition moves you from stress to serenity.

When you become calm, you can be curious.  When you allow yourself to be curious, you become calm.  Either way you come at it, when you are calm and curious, life is more interesting and more fun.


One of the services I provide for my clients is to help them develop strategies for mastering such aspects of their lives as calmness and curiosity.  If you could benefit from such help, please write to me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Growth as a Goal

Sunday, September 19th, 2010

As a life coach, I am committed to helping my clients make their lives work better.  Since what that means is up to them, I usually start with the question, “What do you want?”  And almost always the answer is some variation of, “Something different from what I’ve got.”

If you are experiencing some level of dissatisfaction in one or two areas of your life, you know the feeling.  You know what you’ve got.  You might know exactly what you want instead – or you might not.  You might believe something else is possible – or you might not.  You might want to make the most of the hand you’ve been dealt – or you might want to change the rules, maybe pull an ace out of your sleeve.

Identifying what you believe to be possible is as important as deciding what you want.  And what you believe to be possible will directly correlate to your level of Personal Power.

What You Belief to be True is True

For those operating from Victim mode, nothing looks possible.  A sense of futility reinforces a belief in helplessness; emotions such as fear, resentment, anger, envy, loneliness, and anxiety support the belief in futility; actions tend to be a choice between fight or flight.  They may yearn for something else, but they believe it to be impossible.  Victim mode is a pit, and the and the walls of the pit are all the person can see.

For someone operating from Interpreter mode, the view of what’s possible is amazingly more expansive.  Interpreter mode is a mire, with solid ground in clear sight.  Options begin to immerge, even if they all seem fraught with difficulty.  The themes of fight and flight morph into themes of hard work and rebellion.  An Interpreter of the hard work theme might decide to gain more knowledge, acquire the proper tools, accumulate the right credentials, obey all the rules, etc.  An Interpreter of the rebellion theme might decide to blame and complain, undermine the competition, emigrate to another country, defeat the enemy, not make waves, etc.  Either way, Interpreters believe in struggle as much as they believe in possibilities.

Those who operate from Observer mode stand on solid ground.  Because they can see in any direction, everything becomes possible.  They’re more humble than hurt, more pragmatic than skeptical, and far more curious then certain.  Even though they acknowledge the worst could happen, they accept the best is at least as likely.  Their belief in the possible reveals pathways and doors that someone struggling in the mire cannot see.

Those operating from Partner mode have chosen a general direction and are moving forward.  They may not know all the twists and turns of the road ahead, but by choosing this particular direction they eliminate a host of other possibilities.  What they want becomes probable.

Those who operate from Creator mode believe what they want to be inevitable.  If they make wrong turns, they trust the detour will benefit them.  They may dally along the way, and good things will come from the delay.  Obstacles are valuable challenges, hindrances bestow blessings.  What they’ve chosen becomes the only possible result.

The movement from what you have into what you want is always a growth process.  What you currently have matches what you believe is possible, and your beliefs reflect the way your thoughts, emotions and action merge together.  When you want something else instead, you have to believe the new something is possible, and you have to bring your thoughts, actions and emotions into congruence with that new belief.

Change a Belief and you Change Yourself

In order to have something different, or do something different, you have to be different.  And that means growth.

Imagine Victim mode as an acorn buried underground.  Instead of “fight or flight” the options are grow on don’t grow.  When you choose to grow you move into Interpreter mode, and that’s like sending out the first tendrils of roots and stem into the hard, dark earth, running into rocks and other roots and risking being eaten by whatever feeds on tender growing things underground.  Growing into Observer mode is like bursting through the surface.  You experience sun and rain, day and night, warm and cool, and you can see the possibility of becoming a viable, healthy tree.  As you Partner with both nourishment and adversity, you continue to grow.  Your trunk becomes stronger and taller, you branch out, and you trust the probability of your future as a beautiful oak.  Ultimately, you mature into Creator mode.  Inevitably, you become the originator of future forests.

Sometimes, in deciding to transition from what is to something else, it’s easy to forget that growth is part of the deal.  Let’s take the Law of Attraction, for example, with its basic principle of, “Give your attention to your Intention.”  So you set a clear Intention, and you come up with a good positive affirmation or a rhythmic mantra for meditation, and you strengthen your focus on your Intention.

If your Intention manifests, you have experienced personal growth from your efforts.  If you your Intention doesn’t manifest, you have not.

Growth will begin when you believe what you want is possible – and that often includes a paradigm shift.  Growth will include mastering your thoughts and emotions at higher levels of power.  Growth may include forgoing old habits and/or gaining new competencies.  For growth, you must expand your awareness, become more mindful, and develop a more trusting relationship with your intuition.  Thus, growth becomes an essential aspect of manifesting your Intention.

When the Intention is for Growth

For some people, Personal Growth is the main objective rather than a means to an end.  While for most of us, growth is the way to achieve an Intention, for them the Intention is the way to achieve growth.  For instance, I have two clients who have both set Intentions for greater prosperity.  One wants to break free of old beliefs he acquired during childhood about money being scarce and difficult on the one hand and a burden on the other.  To do this he must leave the old stories behind, see money as neutral and stop judging himself for past choices.  The other sees prosperity as a condition of wholeness.  For her, more abundance is secondary to mastering the principles of Partner mode.

These two clients are at different stages of growth.  Even though their Intentions are essentially the same, one is growing in Personal Power from Interpreter  to Observer in order to achieve greater prosperity.  For him, the starting point is to believe money can come easily.  She wants to master Personal Power at the Partner level, and she’s using her Intention as her classroom.  Her starting point is to believe her wholeness unconditionally encompasses abundance.

Manifesting an Intention has three basic steps:

  1. Set an Intention that is true for you.
  2. Bring your thoughts, actions and emotions into congruence with your Intention.
  3. Receive.

Manifesting Growth by way of an Intention requires a bit more mindfulness:

  1. Achieve the calm of neutrality.
  2. Recognize the power of choice.
  3. Believe what you want is inevitable.
  4. Set a true Intention.
  5. Surrender into willingness.
  6. Receive.

At this moment in time, your level of Personal Power produces what you currently have.  To achieve something else, put the necessary effort and attention into your own growth so you can be in harmony with your wants.

(If you find value in what I write, you might like to experience what can be achieved through one-on-one coaching.  The first session is always complementary.  Write me at kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

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Posted in Beliefs, Cause and Effect, Creator Mode, Interpreter Mode, Observer Mode, Partner Mode, Personal Growth, The Law of Attraction, Victim Mode, intentions, manifestation | 3 Comments »

Observe Your Path

Sunday, September 12th, 2010

This week in a conversation with one of my oldest friends, she remembered when we used to go hiking together and how our hiking styles were so different.  She liked to pick a trail with a good destination – a lake, or an overlook – and follow the trail until we got there.  I like to take off cross country and end up wherever I end up.  Often, we’d follow the trail up to the lovely destination, then we’d bushwhack back to the car.

One of the truly endearing things about my friend is that she always stayed neutral when we hiked together.  (After once or twice, however, her kids refused to come along.)  We often encountered rough terrain or heavy brush, sometimes we had to backtrack, and my way inevitably took longer.  Even as she teased me for my preference, she exhibited awareness, flexibility, humor, openness, patience and resilience.

The path through life often resembles bushwhacking more than a groomed trail.  While we might prefer a beaten path with a delightful destination (at least some times), we’re more likely to encounter steep slopes, brambles, pitfalls, detours, mud patches, dead ends and stormy weather (at least some of the time).

When the going gets tough, staying the observer goes a long way toward building bridges, smoothing the path, paving the potholes, and lightening the load.

This does not happen by magic.  It happens by the personal energy you generate and transmit.

Results Follow Energy

I have identified five operational modes of personal power (The Diamond of Mastery) in which the energies of thoughts, actions and emotions combine and generate a result.    Here’s a quick review:

In Victim mode, you cede your personal power to the energies of powerlessness – fear, anger, anxiety, jealousy, resentment, loneliness, despair, etc.  Your vision of what’s possible narrows to two options – fight or flight.  The resulting energy is destructive, either to yourself or others, and results in increased suffering.

In Interpreter mode, your energies become less dark. Because you start discriminating between good and bad, you tend to polarize and judge.  Problems and difficulties abound, but you see yourself as a solver of problems.  The energy of judging, however, keeps you in the struggle.

In Observer mode, you stop judging, your energies become neutral.  As a result, the way becomes easier.

In Partner mode, your energies become cooperative.  Obstacles morph into allies, you begin to recognize hidden strengths where you’ve always seen weaknesses.  It’s as if you’ve suddenly gained traction on black ice.  What you want shifts from the possible to the probable.

In Creator mode, your energies merge with the creative energies of the universe and intentions turn into miracles.  The probable becomes the inevitable.

Being the Observer

Interestingly enough, you can observe from every one of these modes.  And as soon as you observe, you shift into neutral.  For as long as you stay in observer energy, you see possibilities that might otherwise be invisible.  observer mode is like using night goggles in the dark, like having x-ray vision, like remote viewing.

Consider that at the two extremes, the modes of victim and creator, energies are focused very narrowly.  Victims focus on surviving and/or escaping; Creators focus on uniting and/or manifesting.  From either place, you can step off to one side and observe.  You can always identify what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking and what you’re doing.  In either of those states, if you take a breath and release your focus you can name the feeling, state the thought, describe the action.  Thus, you observe.  The instant you refocus, you are no longer the observer.

Because focus in Interpreter  and Parner modes is less intense and less directed, it’s fairly easy to become the observer.  From Interpreter mode, you have to stop judging.  The more neutral you become, the more accurate, genuine, and empowering your observations will be.  From Partner mode, you have to relax your connection to your intention.  In either case, you will find value in occasionally observing where you are in relationship to where you want to be.

Although the key concept of Observer mode is neutrality, Observer mode is a zone of variation.  As a beginner, you might find it easier to achieve indifference than humor, easier to watch than to understand.

Practicing Neutrality

One way to master Neutrality and Observation is to practice the following simple techniques:  Notice.  Recognize.  Name.  Claim.  I suggest you apply these steps in the following areas of your life.  You will experience increases in your personal power with each area you master.

1. Observe your energies. Several times a day, stop whatever you’re doing a take a quick inventory of your current state of being.

  • Notice what’s going on.
  • Recognize your actions, your thoughts, and your emotion(s) as present and active.
  • Name your actions, thoughts and emotions as various contributors to what’s going on.
  • Claim your behavior, your perspective of the immediate situation, and your feelings.

Most people are aware of their actions. (I’m writing.  I’m shopping.  I’m driving.  I’m arguing.  I’m organizing.)  A majority of people may be aware of their thoughts.  (I’m trying to solve a problem.  I’m thinking about my kids.  I’m balancing my budget.)  Very few people recognize the emotions associated with their actions and thoughts.  (I’m worried about my son and I’m pissed at his teacher.  I’m afraid there’s not enough money.  I’m obsessing about that insulting thing my neighbor said to me last night.)

The more you observe your actions, your thoughts and your emotions, the more you rein in your energies.  Only when you know what you’re dealing with can you direct your own personal power.

2.  Observe your relationships.  Every relationship has its own personality, so sometime during the next week, give some attention to those relationships you care most about.

  • Notice the general energy of the relationship.
  • Recognize – without judgment – that you bring your thoughts, actions and emotions into the mix and so does the other person.
  • Name the behaviors you engage in with that person.  Name your thoughts and emotions.  You can ask the other person what they’re thinking or feeling, but don’t just guess.  Too often guesswork will spin you into interpreter mode.
  • Claim your own part – how you’re acting, what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling.  Do not claim the other person’s part.

3.  Observe your choices. Separate past choices from present choices and treat them slightly differently.

For past choices:

  • Notice the choice you made.
  • Recognize the ways you invested your energies in that choice.
  • Name your beliefs at the time, your emotions at the time and the action you took.
  • Claim the choice you made.  Do not judge!  As the observer, you can acknowledge you made the best choice you could at the time, you can leave behind any stories associated with what the other person did, and you can acknowledge the situation was merely a series of events.

For present choices:

  • Notice when you arrive at a choice point.
  • Recognize the vast panorama of choices available to you.
  • Name your present emotions, your present perspectives, and the choices that appeal to you most.
  • Claim your choice.

4.  Observer your patterns. Your habits, beliefs, expectations and assumptions combine in ways that create patterns, and you have different patterns for the different areas of your life.  In one area, your pattern might be positive, progressive, productive; in another area, your pattern might be difficult, destructive, disheartening.  You will gain tremendous insight into your personal power when you observe the ways you invest energy in different patterns.

  • Notice your patterns by looking for such aspects as similarities, repetitions, your argument for or against (it may be as standard as reading a script), your level of mindfulness (less mindfulness indicates a more set pattern), and the frequency of the pattern.
  • Recognize your patterns of behavior and of thought.  Pay particular attention to the emotions you experience and any progression of emotion.  Also identify what you hope to gain by this pattern.
  • Name the ways you allow each of the three energies to develop in the pattern.
  • Claim the result.  Patterns lead to the same outcomes time after time after time.

4.  Observe your results. The result you’re getting in any given area of your life can be a spotlight illuminating the energies you are (or have been) investing.  To fully understand what you’re investing, become the detached observer of what you’re getting.

  • Notice what is.  If you aren’t quite making ends meet – that’s what is.  If you have a health issue – that’s what is.  If you have a rocky relationship with someone – that’s what is.
  • Recognize the energy you’re bringing to this situation.  By your actions, your thoughts and your emotions you contribute energy to every aspect of your life.  Accepting your contribution to any situation expands your ability to initiate change.  Also recognize the contributions of others and acknowledge that as their part.
  • Name your contribution.  Refer to the Actions List for the actions common to the five modes.  If you’re doing a lot of complaining, you are probably feeling pretty helpless, which is victim energy.  If you’re procrastinating, you’re making things more difficult, which is interpreter energy.  You can identify thought energy by the kinds of questions are assumptions you’re making.  See my article called The Power of the Question.  For help recognizing your emotions, refer to the Emotions List. 
  • Claim the result.  Even if you feel you didn’t create the situation, when you claim the results of your life, you become their master.  Like a dog who obeys only one master, your results answer only to you.

Mastery

Observer mode expands your access to time and space.  As the observer you have time to look around, to consider, to explore, to meditate, to center, to choose.  You have space to spread out, to move, to experiment, to rearrange.  Pathways once hidden now become obvious.  Doors you assumed to be barred swing open with the merest nudge.

When you master neutrality, you see more clearly, envision more expansively, look for new possibilities, bring calm to stressful situations, you can trust you intuition, never experience helplessness or hopelessness.  Basically, your life never feels out of control.

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Truth and Consequences

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)

In an old parlor game called Truth or Consequences, on your turn you had to choose between telling the truth or accepting the consequences.  This was a game of risk.  Someone else got to ask a question to which you had to answer with the truth.  If you didn’t want to risk the truth, you could choose to take the consequences.  Of course, you got no advance notice of what the consequences would be.  You might have to go outside and howl at the moon or kiss the person next to you.  Since either answering the question or performing the consequence would put you in an uncomfortable spot, you were likely to end up embarrassed.  The relationship between truth and consequences was always either-or.

Life often feels as risky as the old game.  Sometimes we can see a direct correlation between a choice and result, but often events seem random.  Accidents happen.  The unforeseen takes us by surprise.  Yet it’s hard to be satisfied with non-answers.  There had to be a cause.  Surely there were clues.  There must be reasons why.

One of the conundrums of wanting to know the cause-and-effect of some things is that we then have to accept that all things are governed by the same laws.

If, as Newton stated in his Third Law of Motion, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction,” then everything that happens in our lives is a result of something that came before.  Do our personal lives conform to Newton’s Laws?  Or are we playing Truth or Consequences.

Facts vs. Truth

First, we want to discover the facts – and so things get interesting right from the start.  Many things in life are factual and irrefutable, such as the diameter of the earth and the speed of light.  If the sun’s shining, it’s hard to argue otherwise.

But do The Facts necessarily equal The Truth?

Some things, such as mathematical equations, can be identified in purely scientific terms.  Most things, especially living things, develop around a subjective backbone.  The Facts filter through our perceptions, beliefs, cultural norms, etc, and influence our Truth.

No matter how determinedly we try to stay neutral about an event (or a relationship or a situation), we can never be totally objective.  (I’ve been practicing neutrality regarding weather for years, and I never complain, but I still chill when my body cools and I still sweat when I get hot.  Because my body reacts to temperature, I am subjectively more or less comfortable.)   We’re human.  We process things with our bodies, our minds and our emotions.  We see things through our personal set of filters.  We draw conclusions.  We care how things turn out.

And because we care, we influence the result.  Our thoughts and emotions become contributing factors that affect The Truth.

For example, say you have a challenging relationship with your mother.  Perhaps she criticizes or complains about something(s) that matters to you – your taste in clothes, the person you’ve chosen as a life partner, your profession, what you feed your kids, etc.  Such criticism has been going on for so long you can hear it coming before she opens her mouth.

If you were to compile a list titled The Facts, it might look something like this:

  • She’s controlling.
  • She doesn’t want me competing with her.
  • She thinks she’s the only one who knows anything.
  • I’ll always be her “baby.”
  • She twists everything I say.

If you’re self-aware enough to admit you add to the problem, you might include:

  • I always get defensive.
  • I’m always primed for an argument.
  • We don’t seem to speak the same language.

For everything on the list, you can come up with Facts to substantiate your points.  But your mother can use equally specific Facts to justify her behavior.

So, here you are, with examples, reasons, perceptions, convictions, beliefs, etc.  Where, in this mess of Facts is the Truth?

The Truth is in the Consequences

One way to understand a situation is to tease apart the end result until you find the component parts.

Assuming the universe operates in a logical, consistent manner, true processes will always be replicable.  Mix the right proportions of hydrogen and oxygen and you’ll get water.  Every time.  Mix the right combination of resentment and contempt and you’ll get war.  Every time.  It’s just that in human interactions, the “right combination” means different things in different situations, depending on different criteria (such as the differences in personalities).  Still, if you have water, you know you can break it down into hydrogen and oxygen.  If you have war, you can break it down into resentment and contempt (with any number of additional elements thrown in for good measure).

Every situation can be reversed engineered to discover the component parts.  When people are involved, the components usually consist of a core belief and an central emotion, and here lies The Truth of the situation.  Consider the following possible combinations:

  • Being alone might result from the combination of the belief that, “I’m not welcome,” and the emotion of insecurity.
  • Not enough money might result from the combination of the belief that, “Money is evil,” and the emotion of aversion.
  • An aching back might result from the combination of the belief that, “It all rests on my shoulders,” and the emotion of doubt.

Let’s see if we can find a reasonable Truth of  the conflicted relationship I used as an example.  A relationship involves more than one entity (even your relationship with yourself), but the only part you directly influence is your own.  So even though your primary frustration may arise from your mother’s behaviors, it’s important to look first at what you bring into the conflict.

Perhaps you get defensive because you believe some variation of, “I’m not good enough.”  Quite a number of emotions could be central to such a belief:  resentment, self-doubt, defensiveness, contempt, yearning, misery, envy, etc.

Perhaps you believe some variation of, “She’s a bitch.”  Your central emotion might be hate, contempt, disdain, rebellion, anger, asperity, etc.

Whatever you believe and whatever you feel, you bring your own subjective energy to every encounter with your mother.  Your energy is one of the contributing elements.   Of course, her energy also contributes, but as in any chemical formula, if you change one element – or even the quantity of one of the elements – you get an entirely different compound.

Create the Consequences You Want

To produce different consequences, you have to change the Truth.  To change The Truth, change the energy.  To change the energy, make different choices.

(How’s that for a scientific formula?)

You don’t need to go searching for The Old Truth before you adopt A New Truth.  The Truth is what you feel and what you believe.  Without knowing precisely which emotion you’ve been radiating, you can choose the one(s) you want to exude instead.  Without deciphering the exact belief contributing to your past results, you can adopt a new belief that will serve you better.

Let’s get specific:

Say you want to change the fact that you’re alone.    Choose an emotion that radiates confident, welcoming energy, such as humor, pleasure or enjoyment.  Internalize the belief that will become the backbone of your new reality:  “I’m surrounded by people who like me.”  “I like others and others like me.”  “I eagerly respond to invitations to participate.

Say you want to increase your prosperity.  Choose which empowering emotion will best support your decision – love, enthusiasm, joy, exuberance, delight, gratitude, generosity.  And choose which belief will break any paradigms of scarcity:  “I happily welcome financial abundance.”  “I love money and money loves me.”

Say you want to heal an aching back.  Choose an emotion that infuses you with confidence – calmness, resilience, assurance, humor.  Find a belief that frees you of any sense of burden:  “I trust my family to have the strength and ingenuity to take care of themselves.”  “I am surrounded by partners, and I receive their love and support.”

Any shift in perception is a new choice which moves you into a different energy field.  To check this out, try a little experiment.  First, think of some recent event in which you felt delighted, happy or excited.  Review it a time or two in your mind, then notice what’s going on in your body.  How does your face feel?  Your hands?  Your shoulders?  Your stomach?  Now remember a recent situation in which you felt angry, annoyed or resentful.  Replay that incident in your mind a couple of times and pay attention to what happens to your body.  What changes in your face, your hands, your shoulders, your stomach?  Now switch back to the enjoyable situation.  If you had a scowl did it switch to a smile?  If your hands clenched, did they relax?  Etc.

Energy radiates in every direction.  It impacts other people and influences situations in much the same way it affects your body.  If you bring harsh, angry, disgruntled energy into a situation, that negative energy bombards others.  If you bring cheerful, confident, welcoming energy, that positive energy relaxes others.

Because energy, either negative and positive, affects the subjective response of everything it encounters, it changes The Truth as seen by all participants.

Let’s return again to my example of a conflicted mother-child relationship.  The decision to inject peace and acceptance into every encounter with your mother changes your subjective truth.  You see yourself through a different lens; you see her through a different lens.  This changes the energy between the two of you and that changes the energy of the situation.  Your peaceful, accepting energy permeates her energy field and changes her subjective Truth.  It’s like placing a new filter over the lens through which she views your encounters.  These changes in Truth change the Consequences.

Once you know how the two Truths of emotion and belief produce your Consequences, you can adopt the formula into all aspects of your life:

Positive energy creates Positive Truth produces Positive Consequences.

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