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The Power of “What if . . .”

Sunday, January 15th, 2012

Since I started to see emotion as the key to personal power and to identify the characteristics of different kinds of emotions, I’ve been paying more attention to my own judgment patterns.  In some areas of my life, based on the results I enjoy, I seem to have attained a place of pretty secure neutrality.  Based on the results in other areas of my life, however, I’m clearly still in the struggle.

When I look at the difference in my results, I can see that if I try to use Partner or Creator emotions without first becoming neutral, my efforts are handicapped by my interpretations, by the stories I’ve come up with to explain, to rationalize, to accommodate, or to place blame.  And the strongest way to eliminate judgment is to become the Observer, to employ neutral emotions.

From my own experience it seems the path to personal power is one step at a time.  You can’t simply leap from Victim mode to Partner mode.  If you’re stuck in the mud you have no traction.  You have to achieve the leverage of solid ground, and that’s what Observer mode provides.

An area of challenge for me has been my purpose.  About fifteen years ago, I got a sense of purpose far bigger than I could identify with.  I didn’t deny it exactly, but for at least ten years I wrestled with it, struggled with how, side-stepped it, and tried to make it small enough to reconcile.  Choosing to become a life coach was my first straight-forward, head-on move in the direction of that purpose, but I still couldn’t quite put it into words.  Eventually I came to peace with it as, “I teach wisdom and personal power.”  I stopped fighting it, stopped struggling with it, acknowledged it, and stopped judging myself as insufficient to the task.  After that things got easier.  My coaching practice blossomed, and the quality of my coaching improved.

But something was still missing.  Since coming up with the Diamond Of Mastery and using it as a coaching tool, I’ve realized how much I’ve been in Interpreter mode.  I still doubted my abilities, doubted I was the right person for the job, doubted I knew enough.  Yet I kept trying to leap straight from the mire to the mountain top.  So I started practicing acceptance, willingness, wonder, and courage.  As a result, when I sit down to write, the ideas come much more easily and the words flow.

And this personal understanding of the importance of starting from where I am has given me new understanding of where my clients are and how to help them start from where they are.

How do you measure?

Recently I was working with a long-time client from where she is, which is locked into a belief of good and bad.  She has a long list of criteria for being a good person, and if she can’t live up to that list (no one could) she’s a bad person.

I asked her what it would feel like if there was no such thing as bad or good.  She said it would feel good, easier, but she kept arguing in favor of the measuring stick.

Of course, we’re all in the habit of measuring, evaluating, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best choice.  However, we don’t make decisions based on logic; we make decisions using emotion.  (Individuals who have lost the emotion centers of the brain through accident or surgery can’t make decisions.  All options have the same weight to them.)  No matter how much data we collect or how we assess the data we collect, in the end we finally decide based on how we feel.  Therefore, the measuring stick we use to evaluate bad or good will always be subjective – subject to our beliefs, values, stories, interpretations and judgments.  And this is true whether we’re trying to buy a new car, considering whom to marry, deciding what we want to be when we grow up, or evaluating our own self-worth.

Unfortunately, if you’re in victim mode, the emotions you’re subject to are marked by helplessness and produce pain and suffering.  If you’re in interpreter mode you’re subject to emotions that produce struggle.  To create a different result for yourself, choose different emotions as your subjective base for making decisions – about yourself, about your life, about other people, about your relationships with all things.

Imagine what it would be like if there was no such thing as bad or good?  What if you could accept the world simply as it is and other people simply as they are?  What if you could not only accept yourself as you are, but also accept that you have power greater than you know?  What if you could look at yourself and what you want and say, “I am a writer.”  “Í am a smashing success.”  “I am the country’s top cartoonist.”  “I am a healer.”  “I am a perfect human being.”  “I am in partnership with the infinite.”  “I am a creator.”

What if you could acknowledge the truth residing somewhere inside you that recognizes your personal power, even if that required you to acknowledge you’re afraid of it, intimidated by it, don’t know what it means, and maybe don’t have a clue where to start.

Because my client likes to know what’s ahead, because she likes to plan and be sure, she kept asking, “But what would not knowing look like?”  I can’t answer that question.  I don’t know what’s ahead for myself, much less for anyone else.  But all the emotions of Observer mode have that aspect of not-knowing.

Transcend Measurement

Curiosity and wonder are among the most potent emotions when asking What if. . .

  • What if you valued curiosity over certainty?
  • What if you liked surprises?
  • What if wondering what else might be possible was fun?
  • What if being comfortable with the unknown took the pressure off?
  • What if some troublesome reality wasn’t a given?

More possibilities exist than you could ever know, or even imagine.  When you’re in Observer mode, you trust that expanse of possibilities.  You’re willing to say, “No, I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.

Some of the aspects of life people commonly approach with strong Interpreter tendencies include:

Self-Perception

What if you could look at yourself with curiosity and wonder:

  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I deserved to be successful (or rich, or happy, or whole).”
  • “What if I could love myself unconditionally?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I believed I could sing (dance, build, heal, laugh, fly).”

Habits and Beliefs

What if you could look at your long-time habits and beliefs with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I believed I didn’t have to work my guts out?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if my emotional connection to this unwanted habit or that detrimental belief just evaporated.”
  • “If I could replace this habit with anything in the universe, I wonder what I’d choose?”
  • “I wonder what it would feel like if I let go of my frustration about ____.”
  • “What if life was easy instead of hard?”

Life Choices

What if you could look at your life choices with curiosity and wonder:

  • “What if I actually have the ability, skills and personal power to follow my dream?”
  • “What if I wasn’t afraid?”
  • “What if I truly knew I’ll be just fine?”
  • “What if I was okay with not being able to see around the next corner?”

The fact is, we can never know for sure the impact of our choices on others or on the future.  We can never know what’s ahead.  We can’t even know if we’ll be here tomorrow, let alone what tomorrow will bring.  Becoming comfortable with not-knowing can be challenging but it doesn’t have to be distressing or scary.

A few months ago, one of my students wanted a visualization she could use to become calmer about the future.  Perhaps you’re familiar with the one I suggested:  While driving at night, you can only see as far ahead as your headlights illuminate.  They only go so far, but they always illuminate the same distance ahead.  My student immediately took the metaphor ever further.  She said, “And if I stop moving, I’ll never discover what’s beyond that limited light beam.  Moving into what’s possible requires that I give the car some gas.”

Accelerate

You may find that with curiosity and wonder you also experience anticipation and hope.

It’s very easy with either anticipation or hope to start getting specific.  If you anticipate a specific outcome or hope for a certain result, you begin to narrow the possibilities.  When you restrict the possibilities, you slide back into Interpreter mode.  Almost automatically, you will begin to spot the difficulties and find the obstacles.

If, however, you stay open and continue to be curious, the scope of possibilities will expand beyond your ability to imagine.  The range of your vision will expand, almost as if you switched your headlights from dim to bright.

Hope from the Observer perspective produces the calm that all will be well.  Anticipation creates momentum toward the unknown future.

Whatever particular area of your life is currently proving the most challenging, consider taking the following steps to move from Interpreter to Observer:

  • Identify the scale by which you’re measuring.  (good/bad; for/against; me/them; easy/hard)
  • Ask yourself, What if this scale didn’t exist?
  • Be open to the possibilities.
  • Anticipate (don’t force) an answer that will amuse, astonish, excite or gratify you.

If you’re struggling with a health issue, maybe you’ll discover wellness.  If you’re struggling with financial problems, maybe you’ll discover abundance.  If you’re struggling with an unhealthy relationship, maybe you’ll discover harmony.  If you’re struggling with your purpose, maybe you’ll discover confidence.

I want to re-emphasize that when you resist, when you lock yourself into your stories, when you refuse to go forward, you create your own struggle.  Deep inside, you know who you are and you know what you are for.  As a first step, be willing to ask, “What if I opened up to that inner knowing?”  “What if I were willing to be all that I can be?”  “What if I let all the possibilities open up for me?”

What if . . .

(If you would like more information about personal life coaching, or would like a free introductory session, please contact me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com)


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Emotions and Beliefs

Sunday, June 26th, 2011

Recently, I worked with a client I’ll call Janet who wanted a better relationship with her creativity. I asked her to take a deep inner look and see if she could find any remaining Interpreter emotions regarding her relationship with her work. When she ventured inside, she found uncertainty and disappointment, so I asked how that might have shown up in her life. Perhaps because we were doing this work around Christmastime, she considered whether she was ever disappointed with what she got for Christmas. She couldn’t remember anything specific, but we talked a bit about expectations and that old song, Santa Clause is Coming to Town came up. “Oh, my!” she said. “What if as a child I adopted the belief that when I didn’t get what I wanted for Christmas it was because I didn’t deserve it?”

Good question. Janet put the pieces together and considered the impact of such a childhood conclusion on her current relationship with her work. In an instant, she was chuckling. “How absurd. I know I do good work.”

Yet it’s easy to see how a belief like that could embed itself and lead to disappointment, and also to self-doubt (about the “goodness” of her work), confusion (about what it takes to “deserve” the reward) and defensiveness (the need to “prove” worthiness).

The Order of Things

I’ve had an on-going “argument” with a friend about which comes first, thoughts or emotions. He believes emotions do, and I’ve always leaned more towards thoughts. Since I’ve been doing this work on the power of emotions, I’ve started to agree with him on one point:  thoughts do follow emotions. Almost every waking moment (and sometime in sleep) we interact with situations that our brains respond to on an emotional level:  other people, colors, sounds, things, the weather, the news, traffic, thoughts–everything keeps our emotions in play on some level. And when we try to make sense of our emotions, our thoughts enter in.

To a large degree emotions are auto-responses–no thought required. For instance, if you were suddenly caught in an earthquake, your emotions will propel you into action before you had a chance to think about it. Especially the first time you have that experience. If you’ve never before won the lottery, or gotten a pink slip, or come home to a bouquet of flowers from your lover, you’ll probably react first and think second.

But not everyone responds in exactly the same way in the same situations. If you’ve been working a job that’s not true for you and hate it, and you’ve wished for the guts to quit, a pick slip might evoke relief and delight. You might feel as if your prison walls have just fallen into dust and you’re free. If you’ve been subjected to emotional abuse from someone who professes to love you, a bouquet of flowers might produce dread or anger. Because each individual processes experiences in a unique way, we can surmise emotions arise from a foundation of belief.

Let’s suppose all emotions are rooted in beliefs–the constructive ones as well as the destructive, the ones that expand personal power as well as the ones that contract it. Someone who believes the world is bright, cooperative, supportive and wonderful will likely respond to difficult situations with the emotions of tolerance, courage, trust, etc. Someone who believes the world is dark, dangerous, and difficult will likely respond to agreeable situations with suspicion, caution, scorn, rigidity, etc.

This relationship becomes a self-reinforcing cycle:  Belief = emotion = belief = emotion. Because the beliefs are deeply ingrained, when something happens to trigger an emotion, the emotion flairs in an autonomic way–like a pain response. If you touch a hot stove, your hand jerks away even before your brain registers the heat. Likewise, the speed with which emotions respond to stimuli often keep the causal belief buried.

Beliefs First?

Let’s look at the modes of power and explore the way beliefs influence your  relationships with yourself, with others, and with the world.

Just as Victim mode emotions produce helplessness, Victim mode emotions arise from a belief that you are helpless. If you believe you have little or no power, that belief  establishes boundaries around you. When you encounter problems, you feel powerless to do anything about them. You feel small and incapable, and so you experience one of the victim mode emotions. The beliefs at the root of the emotions may be invisible, but they certainly fuel the emotions. And the emotions motivate your actions. If you experience anger, you might lash out. If you experience fear, you might run away, or submit, or amass an army. Whatever you do, your actions will produce results, which will reinforce your belief, which will continue to reinforce the reactive emotion. So of course you are responding appropriately to the situation. It is what it is, and you are what you are, so to speak.

If you operate more often from Interpreter mode emotions, you’re more likely to believe that life’s a struggle than that you are helpless. One of my clients often asks, “Buy why does it have to be so hard?”  Believing something’s hard triggers such emotions as apprehension, impatience, insecurity, confusion, distrust, disappointment, frustration, etc.  Because the belief exists, situations with even moderate difficulty will trigger emotions that energize struggle.

Emotions First?

When you move into levels of greater personal power, adopting more positive emotions, situations don’t change–life still produces challenges–but beliefs change. Instead of focusing on the struggle, you become curious, interested, amused, flexible, open, patient, etc.

Just this week, a musician client of mine said a young student confronted him with the old adage, “Those you do, sing; those who can’t, teach.”  This rebellion by a precocious eleven-year-old shook him up a bit and he began to doubt his priorities.

I have a vivid memory of one of my children throwing that exact line at me back when I was struggling to write romance novels yet enjoying teaching. I burst out laughing. I was doing what I wanted to do–both writing and teaching.

Same sort of situation, different emotional reactions. Why?  Because of our respective embedded beliefs.

When in observer mode, we have sufficient personal power to be confident of our choices and unthreatened by the erroneous beliefs of someone else.

So, let’s get personal. Think for a moment how you feel when someone yells at you. Do you feel shock?  Hurt?  Anger?  Embarrassment?  Fear?   Or do you feel surprise, amusement, curiosity, compassion, or concern?  Again, it depends on what you believe about yourself and about the world.

It depends on what you believe about yourself, about the other person, and your respective places in the world. Either way, you probably respond immediately. Do you yell back?  Retreat?  Laugh at them?  Shrug and walk away?  Give them a hug?

Later, when you have time to think, residual emotion will influence your thoughts and your thoughts will probably reinforce your belief. Perhaps you felt anger and you yelled back. When you think about it, you justify your anger by reinforcing your belief. Perhaps you believe people always pick on you. Or perhaps you believe the best defense is a good offense. Or perhaps you believe the one with the loudest voice has the most power.

Conversely, if you felt compassion and you recognized the emotion driving the other person’s anger you probably answered quietly and gave reassurance. Later, your thoughts would reinforce your belief and you would seek further insight and cooperation.

Choose Your Loop

If your beliefs support your best good, they will evoke emotions that empower your best good. If your beliefs constrain your best good, they will reinforce emotions that inhibit your best good. Once you’re in the loop, the resulting energy will propel you toward what you want or it will mire you in what you don’t want.

And then, because emotions are energy, the energy you generate produces resonant results. If you yell back, your angry energy compounds the angry energy of the other person, and pretty soon you have war. If you extend compassion, your peaceful energy can neutralize the other person’s angry energy.

In this way, you participate in the creation of your life. The energy you currently generate contributes to your current results. To get different results, you have to generate different energy. You must break the belief/emotion loop.

You can generate different energy by choosing to adopt and radiate a different emotion. Sometimes, however, a belief is embedded so deeply, the emotion itself feels hard-wired. When people experience emotions at this level (either positive or negative), they’ll often say, “I can’t help how I feel.”

When you want to change a belief-emotion loop, you have two general options:  you can focus on the emotion you prefer to feel and adopt it through practice and repetition (Plan A); or you can identify and change the belief (Plan B).

Plan A

  • Recognize and acknowledge the current emotion. Name it. Accept that this is how you feel.
  • Choose the emotion you’d prefer to feel. It may help to think of a situation you know from experience will inspire the emotion you want.
  • Several times a day, evoke that emotion and let it resonate throughout your body. The more you can keep your mind away from the triggering situation, the easier this will be.
  • When doubts, fears, alarms or other contaminating emotions come your way, do not allow them to take hold of you in any way. Stay firm in the emotion you have chosen.

Plan B

  • Recognize, name and acknowledge the current emotion.
  • Probe the emotion for the causal belief. It may surface fairly easily, or you may have to allow your subconscious room to let it emerge. If you try to force it, it might bury itself even deeper.
  • Review each possibility that pops up. Such beliefs often form during childhood and may seem unlikely in your current situation. The one you’re looking for will resonate with the emotion it triggers.
  • Allow for other possibilities. What if what happened didn’t mean what you thought it meant?  (What if you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas because you’re parents couldn’t afford it, rather than that Santa found you inadequate or “bad”?)
  • Identify current truth. What might have been true once certainly isn’t true now.
  • Choose and use emotions that support the new belief. (As soon as Janet held her childish belief about “being good” up to the light, her self-doubt changed to amusement.)

In a conversation with a client about this relationship between belief and emotion, I posed the example of reacting with impatience toward other drivers. She burst out laughing. “That’s me,” she said. “I do that!”

So I said, “Okay. What’s the belief that causes your frustration?”

She explored several possibilities before she hit on the one. “It’s about time. I usually think I don’t have time for this. And you know what?  I have tons of time issues.”

I asked, “What would you rather believe about time?”

She said, “That I have all the time in the world.”

“What emotion will help you feel you have all the time in the world?”

She considered for a moment and then came up with, “Patience.”

Just like that, she followed Plan B:  She acknowledged her frustration; she found the belief triggering her reaction; she looked for other possibilities than that other drivers are incompetent and obstructionist; she identified her deeper truth; and she accepted a new calming belief; she chose an empowering emotion.

It doesn’t matter from which direction you confront those emotions and beliefs that impede you. You can give up a belief by accessing emotional energy with more positive force. You can switch to more positive emotional energy by changing a limiting belief. Either way, you access a greater level of personal power.

As you become stronger and stronger in your own power, you change your life.

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Own Your Part

Sunday, April 17th, 2011

There are at least two parts to every encounter, sometimes more depending on how many people are involved. Even in partisan situations where the sides are clearly defined, the number of attitudes, biases, preferences, and options is going to be closer to the number of people than the number of sides. And of all the parts involved, the part that matters most is yours.

Yours is the only part you can control, the only part for which you have responsibility, and the fundamental source of your results. Your part has many facets, and none of them works in a vacuum. Your part includes how you relate to people, how you respond to situations, what you create, how your creation affects others, and the energy you bring into the lives of others. Most people, in most situations, get their part tangled up with the parts of others. For you to make clean and intentional choices, it’s important to claim your own part, and only your part, and then be true to it.

Your part will be influenced by several factors, and the more you accept and take responsibility for these factors the more you gain access to your own inner power.

Your beliefs

Your belief system essentially creates the world you live in. When you believe something is true, it becomes true – at least for all practical purposes. It becomes the filter through which you view the events and aspects of your life, and the filter admits only the evidence that corresponds to your beliefs. For instance, if you believed the earth is flat, you would never put it to the test. You would stay within the bounds of your imagination and discount any evidence of a global world presented by others. You would call such people liars or charlatans. Because you would confine your choices to those allowed by a flat world, your world would be flat.

Likewise, if you believed you had no choice in a situation, you wouldn’t look for options. No matted how many possibilities were presented to you, you would produce reasons why not. Therefore, those options would not be available to you – excluded by your own belief.

Similarly, if you believe you are a victim, you see will only the evidence that supports that belief. If you believe things can’t change, you won’t notice changes that occur. If you believe your partner is at fault in every argument, you will be blind to your contribution. If you believe you lost because the other side cheated, you will dismiss any errors made by your team.

On the other hand, when you accept your part, miracles happen. When you believe you have perfect health, you do. When you love your life, your life is wonderful. When you believe opportunities abound, they do. When you are impervious to the ups and downs of the economy, you prosper. When you are true to yourself, the universe supports your choices.

Examine your beliefs. Be alert to how your beliefs contribute to your reality. Look at your reality to discover your beliefs. You will find a direct causal relationship between what you believe and what your have. If you are stretched financially, perhaps you believe in lack. If you are ailing, perhaps you believe in illness. If you are lonely, perhaps you believe in isolation.

The principle works both ways: If you are rich, you believe in wealth. If you are healthy, you believe in health. If you are loved, you believe in love. If your days and ways are marked by miracles, you believe in possibility.

Your emotions

Whenever two people encounter each other, two sets of emotions also meet. Each person’s emotions arise (or remain) from their personal history. Each  person brings hopes, fears, longings, anxieties, wins and losses, confidence and doubt, and varying degrees of happiness and sadness. When these sets of  emotions meet, they interact and they play off each other in ways that may or may not be known to the individuals themselves.

So there you are, in the middle of an encounter with someone, and your  emotions are all behaving logically and properly. Then the other person says or does something one of your emotions doesn’t like. Perhaps your self-doubt surfaces. Suddenly you’re no longer sure of yourself, no longer sure of the other person, no longer sure the encounter is going in a direction you like. You say something in your own defense, and if what you say triggers one of the other person’s emotions, you’re both off and running.

Perhaps logically you both want to stop, to somehow save the day. But both sets of emotions have risen in rebellion and are determined to stick it to the end.

If you could step free of your insecurity and become neutral, you could apologize for your outburst, sympathize with the way the other person’s emotions got loose, shake hands, and continue to explore for a satisfactory resolution. But if your emotions are still edgy, angry, afraid, determined, and self-protective, most of those stirred-up emotions are saying, “Not my fault! His fault!” At this point, you have three basic choices (more if you count the nuances). You will:

  • Blame it all on the other person.
  • Blame it all on yourself.
  • Recognize you both contributed.

If you pick the first option – “Person X is controlling, insensitive, defensive, angry, abusive, etc.” – you are denying you had a part. If you pick the second option – “I disobeyed, was annoyed, mis-interpreted, was selfish, etc.” – you are denying the other person’s part. If you pick the last option, good for you. Very likely you know how to own your part and only your part. Your part is the only part that belongs to you.

Your emotions are the ones you can control or calm. How the other person acts or reacts is not yours to choose.

You can play your part any way you wish. You can choose to be combative, angry, aggressive, unyielding, etc. Or you can choose to be calm, accepting, forthright, loving, etc. Once you choose, accept the consequences. Owning your part also includes taking responsibility for your results.

Your integrity

The root of integrity is integer, from the Latin, which means complete, whole. We’ve been focusing on being the truest person you can be, and looking at factors that contribute to that being-ness, that wholeness. From your wholeness comes your integrity, and because you are a unique human being, your integrity has facets unlike those of any other person.

Consider that your integrity means standing firm in your values system – whatever that system happens to be. And because you change and grow, your values system inevitably changes and grows accordingly. Your integrity today is different from what it may have been when you were a child, different from when you first entered adulthood, perhaps different from last year.

Therefore, you will make different choices from when you where a child, from when you were a young adult, from last year. Someone else could note those differences and proclaim your integrity to be in shreds. Or someone else can look at your values system, note it’s different from theirs and declare you have shaky (or no) integrity.

When you are the truest person you can be and when you stay true to yourself, you are integral. Whole. You don’t have to match someone else’s values, ethics, moral code, or behavior. In fact, you can’t. You can agree with some people and disagree with others, but your integrity is uniquely yours.

Do you choose to act in accordance with what you believe? Do you hold your values system to be your sacred rule book? Do you live according to what is true to you? The degree to which you do or don’t is entirely up to you. And your results will reflect that choice. If you stay in your integrity, your results will be integrated and aligned with your best good. If you waiver, your results will be insubstantial or incomplete.

Your experiences

When did you first realize you have a voice in your experiences? Probably not as an infant, able to influence those around you only by crying or smiling. Perhaps not as a child, when your parents made all the decisions. Maybe not in school, when teachers, principals, ministers, cops, bullies, and cool kids all created situations in which the best  you could do was hold your own. Possibly not even as you were moving into adulthood, when someone could agree to date you or not, when a university could choose to admit you or not, when a company could choose to hire you or not. All your life there have been situations over which you have no control: your family moved around, your parents divorced (or stayed together), people died, you had illnesses or accidents, cars fell apart, expectations didn’t materialize, friends betrayed you.

So when did you realize you played a role in your life? Actually, subconsciously, you began to learn it as a baby. If smiling brought people cooing around you, you learned to smile and collect attention. If only crying brought attention, you learned to cry – maybe to throw tantrums.

Most people, by nature, are pleasers or loners or rebels. If as a child you were a pleaser, you always tried to cooperate, possibly even if that meant ceding something important to you. If you were a loner, you stood apart as much as you could, and perhaps your aloofness influenced people to coax and plead and attend to you. If you were a rebel, you objected to power wielded by others, perhaps to your own detriment. In your interpersonal relationships, you have always had a voice.

Your role in impersonal situations may be harder to find. To find your part requires looking into your own soul. For instance:

  • Emotions work as attractors; whatever you emit draws something to it: fear attracts danger, gratitude attracts bounty, anger attracts conflict, joy attracts serenity, dissatisfaction attracts disappointment, optimism attracts good results, resistance attracts pain, etc.
  • Illness often results from conflicted and buried emotions: Anger makes you vulnerable to cancer, resistance to growth leads to arthritis, disassociation from purpose generates allergies, unhappiness promotes pneumonia, impatience raises your cholesterol level, etc. (See such authors as Louise Hay and Karol Truman.)
  • An unwillingness or inability to step out and grasp something your want (health, freedom, abundance, etc), expands the situation you want to leave. If you can’t receive freedom, you will become more imprisoned; if you can’t receive plenty, you will experience more lack; if you can’t receive health, you will stay sick.

Certainly, you will find yourself in situations that make no rational sense, even when you accept the above principles. In such situations and at such times, your part may be to make the best of it you possible can, to step back and become the observer. Know that when you can accept difficult situations with curiosity and without judgment, you will experience less pain.

Your choices

In every situation, in every encounter with another person, you have at least two choices. You can come or go, speak or be silent, respond or react, agree or argue, resist or accept, fight or make peace. You always have a choice, even when you believe you have no options. When you feel helpless, you are choosing to not look for alternatives. When you reconcile to something you don’t like, you are choosing to give up your power. When you accommodate to a situation, you may be choosing to obey, to acquiesce, to honor, to approve or to submit.

You may see this more easily in your relationships with other people than in the impersonal situation in your life. With people, their choices usually contrast with yours or mirror them, and either way can illuminate your choice. With impersonal choices the part the other plays is often invisible. For instance, you have  relationships with money, with sleep, with your car, with your job (not just the people at work), with your body, with technology, with traffic, with books, with food, etc. The part of the other comes in response to your emotions. The energy of your emotions affects the energy of the other, creating a closed loop.

For instance, if you have insomnia, your energy will include the tensions of the day you bring to bed with you and also your memories of previous sleepless nights, constant reminders that sleep is important to health, your frustration over any strategies you’ve tried to no avail, etc. Your mind and body are so engaged in not-sleeping, sleep can’t help but stay away. No matter how much you want sleep to be your friend, it has become the adversary.

What choices do you make in impersonal relationships? Do you operate as the truest person you can be? Do you honor your values system? Do you choose positive-energy emotions? Your choices produce your outcomes. By the same token, your outcomes reveal your choices. To know your past choices, examine your outcomes, and ask yourself objectively, “If this is what I’ve got, what part did I play in bringing it into my life?”

Explore your emotions and thoughts as much as your actions. If you have lack, you may not be making enough money or you may have poor money habits, but you also may believe in scarcity and dread poverty. If you can’t preserve a relationship, you may be too defensive or act in inconsiderate ways, but you may also believe you are not worthy of love and resist intrusions into your privacy.

Energize Your Part

If you want to improve your relationships (any of your relationships), stay true to yourself. Stay true to the person you want to be as well as the person you are. Believe in your best good, and choose in favor of your wholeness. Energize the situation with your highest emotions. Avoid criticism, doubt and fear.

When you recognize, without judgment, your contribution to the events and situations of your life, you enter OBSERVER mode. You will experience calm within, and external conflicts will abate. When you choose to bring PARTNER mode emotions into the situation, you will notice a difference in your results almost immediately.

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Wholeness and Enlightenment

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Several months ago, I posted an article titled What’s True for You.  I presented ways you could identify what’s true for you or not true.  Basically, the pursuit of something that’s not true for you is usually motivated by Interpreter mode emotions.  Since Interpreter mode results in struggle, if you are experiencing struggle, you are in some way out of alignment with your own truth.

Today I’m going to expand on that theme, focusing more on what is true for you.

Imagine a circle divided into three wedges.  Imagine the wedges represent your thoughts, actions and emotions, and the circle represents your wholeness.  When the wedges are intact and united, the circle is complete and you are congruent.  This congruent circle represents your wholeness.  When you are congruent, you are complete.  You are also  the captain of your soul and connected to the infinite.

While I designated the three aspects of wholeness as thoughts, actions and emotions, they can as easily be called:

  • Empowerment: Using the infinite power within you.
  • Mastery: Mastering yourself, your purpose and your intentions.
  • Enlightenment: Listening to the truth of your heart.

Today, I’m focusing on enlightenment.  Only by listening to the truth of your own heart can you be true to yourself, and only by mastering yourself and your purpose can you access the infinity of your inner power.

Enlightenment

I first heard the term “enlightenment,” in high school in reference to The Age of Enlightenment, a period during the eighteenth century when Western philosophy focused on reason as the stronger legitimacy for authority than inheritance.  Seemed pretty enlightened to me.

When I began to hear the term used in connection with spirituality, my sense of it grew foggier.  It seemed to mean an esoteric connectedness, achieved only by a few and only through intense meditation and after years of practice.  I puzzled over that one for years.  It seemed to deny the enlightenment that comes through the process of gaining wisdom.

When you consider listening to the truth of your heart, do dozens of questions arise for you, such as:  How do I listen?  How do I distinguish my voice from all the other voices in my head?  How do I know if what I’m hearing is true?  What exactly am I supposed to listen for?  Do your questions continue to pile on from here?

The following factors may help sort through the mix and find more of what’s true for you.

Your Values System

Many religious apologists claim moral and ethical behaviors derive from a belief in a deity.  Most atheists and agnostics who live according to a moral or ethical code, claim morality produces better results than immorality, so a values system is simply logical.

Whether you acquired your moral sense from the teachings of your church or from an observance of cause and effect, the results are the same:  some behaviors and qualities of character work better in society and inspire you to better choices; some create conflict in society and lead to personal chaos.

All human beings are strong in some areas and weak in others, and your true values system will not include every trait or quality someone at some time has considered a virtue.

If you find a certain quality to have value yet believe you do not currently possess it, you have the power to choose it.  Decide firmly that it is something you want to incorporate into your life, and visualize what it represents to you.  Say, for instance, you want flexibility.  What would more flexibility bring into your life?  Less stress?  More peace?  More room to maneuver?  Focus on the results of flexibility – the peace, the room, the freedom, the lightness.  Feel  those qualities in your meditations and practice them in your life until they become a done deal.

Similarly, if a certain quality is not true for you, or if you are not aligned with it, you will experience confusion and self-doubt.  You have the power to un-choose it, to stop trying to force fit it into your life, and thus see yourself and your true values more clearly.

When something is true for you, and you are aligned with it, it will enhance and empower your life.  Your task, then, is to become more aware of what is true for you and become more attuned to it.

I encourage you to make a list of the qualities or virtues you believe you possess  – or would like to adopt.  Journal about each one and what it adds to your life.  Observe the emotions that flow within you as you write about each one.  Any that are not true for you will probably evoke emotions of judgment and struggle.  Those true for you will likely evoke Partner or Creator emotions.

Your Intuition

You have an inner voice that speaks truth to you.  It’s been called many names at various times including, your conscience, the holy spirit, your spirit guides, an angel, your spirit animal, the ancestors, the still small voice, etc.

This voice obeys several rules in its communication with you, including

  • It responds to and with whatever energy you’re emitting.
  • It speaks in the language you use.  Your spoken language, of course, but also the language of your thoughts.  It uses your metaphors, your analogies, and your symbolism.
  • It works from within your worldview.  If your worldview is narrow and specific, so is your inner voice.  If your worldview is curious and expansive, so is your inner voice.
  • It is limited or not-limited by your sense of your own self.  The truer you are to yourself, the truer the messages you receive from your inner voice.  If you are confused, conflicted, or specifically focused, your inner voice must speak from wherever you are at a given moment.

Let’s consider each of these rules.

First, your energy.  When your energy is positive, you open a clear channel and the messages come through without interference.  Negative energy acts like static, interrupting and distorting the messages, sometimes making it difficult for you to discern them, sometimes obscuring them completely.

Second, your language.  Sometimes you may hear your inner voice as an actual voice speaking verbal words.  More often, you will get an idea, or feel the need for caution, or know it’s time to act, or just know one choice is better than another.  Sometimes your inner voice uses something you’re already focusing you attention upon to give you a message to yourself.  Your work or your avocation may be the metaphorical structure for the lessons of your life.

Third, your worldview.  Your inner voice wants to speak to you in expansive ways, to encourage partnership and creativity.  The less you judge the world, the more you release your intuition to speak truth to you.

Fourth, your self.  You intuition can communicate only within the scope of how well you know yourself and how much you trust yourself.  The truer you are to yourself, the better you know yourself, and the more open you are to knowledge and growth, the more straightforwardly your inner voice will be able to speak to you.

If there is an area of your life where you don’t fully trust your own judgment, I encourage you to choose to become more attuned to your inner voice in that area.  Practice pausing to listen before any decision.  Stop.  Become calm (see Clarify Your Intention).  Review the possibilities as you know them.  Listen to your inner voice.  Proceed without haste.  At first you may not recognize the difference between instinct and impulse, so simply watch what happens.  You will begin to notice when your instinct speaks truly, and as you trust it, it will speak more often.

Your Desires

Your true desires are not only within your reach, they want you as much as you want them.

Here are some of the ways you can differentiate a true desire from one that is not:

  • A true desire will not have a “should” attached to it.
  • A true desire comes from your heart.
  • You already have the talents (if not the skills) to achieve a true desire.
  • The universe is always your ready partner when you pursue a true desire.

A true desire is not necessarily easy. It might be damn challenging.  Pursuing a true desire with your whole heart will always bring rewards greater than you imagined when you began.  You might not get exactly what you thought you wanted, but whatever you achieve will exceed your wildest imagination.   (See Expand Your Possibilities.)

Your Service

Some forms of service are well-marked as “service,” such as volunteer work, donations to non-profit organizations, ministering to the poor, and anything identified as charity.  Other kinds of service are much less noted, but of equal value:  spreading good cheer through a smile or a touch, laughing together, staying connected, showing respect and appreciation, receiving gracefully, extending unconditional acceptance, etc.  By these actions and attitudes, you raise the energy level of wherever you are, of whatever you are doing.  When you lift someone’s spirits, their energy expands, and together you send more goodness into the world than either one of you could alone.  This expansion of good energy becomes exponential, as each person carries it from the starting place to the next person, the next activity.

In this way, being the truest person you can be becomes the greatest service you can give.  Being true to yourself expands you energetically, and as your energy expands, your goodness reaches more people.  Your goodness embraces people with love, which frees their good energy.  Good energy always has more power than negative energy, so in this way you expand peace and love in the world.  In this way, you serve yourself, your neighbors, your community, your country, and the world itself.

You can of course, continue your forms of traditional service, donating money, volunteering, and ministering to those in need, especially if they are true for you.  To multiply the service you provide with your hands and your wallet, bring your good energy, your joy, and your love into the doing and the giving.

These are a few of the ways you can listen to the truth of your heart and bring your emotions into congruence with your thoughts and actions.  I believe enlightenment follows congruence.

For personal guidance in bringing your thoughts, actions, and emotions into congruence, please contact me directly by emailing me at kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Clarify Your Intention

Sunday, December 5th, 2010

Consider the difference between willfulness and willingness.  Willfulness is filled with determination, urgency and control, and is an expression of force.  By contrast, willingness is filled with acceptance, partnership and welcome, and is an expression of power.  Personal power.

For an intention to have power, it must be true for you and you must be willing to be true to it.  The truth of an intention often becomes clearer as the intention itself becomes clearer.  As you understand an intention more fully, you often understand yourself more fully.  Greater understanding tends to strengthen your willingness to receive what you want.

I once worked with a client who wanted to manifest an intimate relationship.  She’d been alone for a while, and she had a busy, full life, and she’d decided she wanted a partner to share it with.

We spent most of the coaching session focusing on what that would look like to her and how it would feel, and then I asked, “If a fabulous guy knocked on your door tomorrow and said, ‘Here, I am,’ would you say, “Come right on in, I’m excited to have you become part of my life.”  My client look a moment or two to imagine it, then shook her head.  “No, I don’t think I would.”

When she looked truly at her heart she realized she wasn’t willing to change her life, even to accommodate a loving, intimate relationship.

Wanting What You Want

Manifestation is as easy as, “Ask and you shall receive.”  The missing element of that promise is:  “Unless you want something else more.”  Almost always, when you want something and can’t seem to make it happen, you’re resistant at some level.

Want can also mean not wanting: not wanting change, not wanting to take a risk, not wanting to look too deeply within, not wanting to be different, not wanting to challenge old beliefs, etc.

Fear of the unknown is probably the strongest form of resistance, and such fears are often so deeply buried they’re difficult to identify.  What if success changes the structure of your relationship?  What if you fail?  What if something takes more time or energy or resources than you bargained for.  What if you can’t even see around the first bend, let alone all the way to the finish line?

Following are some ways to strengthen your willingness to receive what you want.  They help you assess what pulls you in that direction.

Define Your Terms

In a previous blog, I invited you to create an intention statement.   Such statements don’t have to be specific or detailed.  You probably have a general sense of what the words you’ve chosen mean to you.  Or maybe you only sort of know what you mean.  Take a few minutes to dig into what the  words and phrases you’re using truly mean to you.  If you want to write a best-selling novel, what does “best-selling” mean to you?  If you want work that provides a good income, does “good income” mean a specific dollar figure or a level of comfort or a degree of security?  If you want greater inner peace, what does peace look like to you?

Do this with each part of your statement.  If you’ve referred to the way your intention will benefit others, what do you mean?  Perhaps you want to heal others.  Does that mean by laying on of hands or by helping them make healthier choices?  Perhaps you want to empower others.  What does their empowerment look like to you?  Perhaps you want to provide a good time through your music or your stories.  Does that mean you’re a catalyst for fun?  Pleasure?  Escape?  Laughter?

By clarifying what you mean, you strengthen your partnership with your subconscious and with the universe.  When you say/think/pray that word or phrase, there’s no ambiguity, it becomes a shorthand communication.  You know exactly what you mean.  You don’t have to remind yourself that “abundance” means a million dollars (or a steady flow of money or freedom from want, or confidence about money rather than fear).  The images of fulfillment follow naturally, and the clarity you have established provides an adhesive so that with repetition and focus your intention grows bigger and stronger.  As fulfillment expands within you, all the forces involved also focus and strengthen to bring about your best good according to your own definition.

Connect With Your Values

You have acquired your personal values system as a result of many influencing factors throughout your life.  Some of them came from the beliefs and practices of your family, some from your religious or spiritual training, and some from your culture and education.  For instance, from your family you may value thrift, order, togetherness, hard work, etc.  From your religion, you may value charity, obedience, compassion, etc.  From your education, you may value knowledge and challenge; from your culture, etiquette and respect.  Of course, from those same sources you may have realized you couldn’t adopt the values of others.  You may value freedom more than obedience, independence more than unity, creativity more than compliance, achievement more than good manners.

From among your assortment of values, identify those that support your desires.  The values you have adopted and live by reflect what’s true for you.  Therefore, if your intention is true for you, your values will support it.  Identify the principles and ideals that reflect and confirm your intention.

Say for instance you’ve decided to manifest financial abundance, and to you that means an income two or three times greater than you’re currently earning.  Say your parents held a strong value for hard work and believed money is honorable only if earned by the sweat of your brow.  But you want to write a book.  No manual labor involved.  You may not want to discard the value of hard work, but you may need to redefine it to mean steady, consistent focus.  Or you may realize you value curiosity and commitment more than hard work.  Take the time to identify these supportive values.

Understand Your Motives

Next consider your supportive motivations.  Why to you want what you want?  Do you want abundance for greater peace of mind? So you can travel?  So you can invest in an idea or a project?  So you can give it away to some worthy cause?  So you can describe yourself as rich?  For the power and status of it?

For the purposes of being true to your intention, all motives have the same power.  There are no “worthy” or “unworthy” motivations.  Only your commitment matters.  It is extremely important, however, that your motivations are true for you.  Do you want to earn a Ph.D. because you should, because it’s expected in your family?  Then the motivation is probably not yours, but theirs.  Or do you want the learning and the degree?

Listen to your heart.  What propels you from within to pursue the path you have chosen?

Create With Your Emotions

Finally, what are your supporting emotions?  You will have identified some or all of these emotions while setting your intention.  As you work with your intention statement, others will emerge.  Read your intention statement aloud, listen to it with your heart, and identify the emotions that arise.  Do you feel happy, peaceful, enthusiastic, jubilant, determined?  Write them down.  These emotions have creative power.

These three aspects of what’s true for you – values, motivations and emotions – will support, sustain, and nourish your manifestation effort.  Whenever you feel doubt or uncertainty, reconnect with these aspects of what your original intention means to you.

Make the Commitment

Now ask yourself this important questions:  What will I have to give up? Currently, you’re devoting your time and energy toward your reality as it is now.  Your intention will change the balance of your life in some way.  Will it require time you currently dedicate to something else?  Will it require you to refocus your energy?  Will it cost money?  Will it challenge your creativity?  With you have to break an old habit?  Will you have to give up a long-held belief?

When I was writing fiction (and not selling what I wrote), I realized I held a deep fear that my success would negatively impact my marriage.  If I had been asking these questions then, I would have answered:  I have to give up that fear.

Expand into Yourself

And a final point to consider:  Who will I be as a result? Currently, you see yourself as a person who does not have what you have stated you want.  If you change your thinking, your beliefs, your habit patterns, your focus, and/or your priorities, you will be someone who does have.  What differences do you imagine might occur?  If you give up fear (guilt, poverty, anger, depression, loneliness, frustration), who will you be?

Can you see yourself as healthy?  Happy?  Strong?  Confident?  In your power?  On purpose?  Whole?  Can you see yourself as the creator of your life?  Can you see yourself in partnership with the universe?  Take a moment and feel the power of having/being/doing.  Feel the truth of it.  Know it’s already within you, and your willingness will bring it into fullness.

Reinforcing Your Intention

Now that your intention is becoming clearer and stronger, I encourage you to work with your statement every day.  Use the emotions you’ve associated with this intention.  Let them expand within you.  Let the energy of them circulate through your body.  Repeat the words of your intention.  Visualize what you want as finished, complete, manifest, fulfilled.  Express your gratitude for it.  See yourself serving with this intention and through it.

The time you dedicate to this practice can be the same fifteen or twenty minutes every day, i.e. 3:30 p.m.  Or you can attach it to something you already do every day:  when you wake up but before you get up, just before you go to sleep, after breakfast, in the shower.  Or you can keep it in your head and heart throughout the day, repeating it often and frequently evoking the emotions by which you will manifest it.

Establish a “sacred” space around your practice, in that you do not profane it with fear, doubt, objections, ill-will toward anyone else, or self-judgment.  Reverence this time as your communion with your soul, with your intention, with those you want to serve, and with the universe.  However, in the beginning, if doubts and objections should arise, keep a piece of paper or a notebook handy and jot them down.  Observing and naming any resistance will acknowledge to your subconscious that you’re paying attention.  Keeping a log will allow you to focus on the intention rather than the potential problems.

As you continue through this process, this sacred space will become more and more important to you, and you will find your practice becoming increasingly powerful.

I provide one-on-one empowerment coaching.   Feel free to contact me personally by emailing me directly:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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The Give and Take of Energy

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

A few days ago, a friend of mine sprained her ankle.  Since we both like to explore metaphysical connections, we ended up discussing pain – specifically in terms of her ankle, and generally in terms of personal power.

She sprained her ankle, and her body experienced pain.  This is the body’s natural, biological response, and it’s important in a survival sense.  Through pain, the body says, “I’m injured.  Attend to the injury.  Don’t ignore it or make it worse.” My friend rubbed a medicinal salve into the injured joint, wrapped it, applied ice and elevated it.

After we spent half an hour speculating about what’s going on in her life that might have attracted the injury in the first place and what lesson there might be for her in the experience, we focused on the energy of pain and its relationship to personal power.  Both of us found my model – the Diamond of Mastery – very useful as a vocabulary for deeper understanding.

Every situation – especially painful ones – provide an opportunity to lose personal power or access it, to extract energy or supply it.  My friend was laying there with her injured foot propped up.  In very simple terms, she had three choices:  be miserable, be neutral, be healed.  We explored the ramifications of each option from a power perspective.

Depleting Power

The most powerless state of being is, of course, Victim Mode.  Those who function at this level believe they have no power and believe there’s no help to found.  Their thoughts, actions and/or emotions reinforce this position.

Being a victim always infers helplessness.  As soon as someone believes they are helpless, that belief becomes their truth, and they become helpless.  They let go of personal power as if it were water and they have no way of holding onto it.  Emotions that reflect helplessness include despair, anxiety, distress, and woe.  Those emotions reinforce thoughts of helplessness such as:  I can’t.  There’s no way out.  This is too hard (or painful, or terrifying) for me to bear. Such thoughts drive them to actions of withdrawal or suffering, such as complaint, blame, anxiety, addiction, isolation, etc.

Being a victim also often presumes innocence – especially from the victim’s point of view.  However, as soon as someone believes themselves free of accountability or complicity they become co-conspirators with their plight.  Thoughts such as I didn’t, I’m in the right, or That’s wrong generate emotions that reinforce strife – contempt, outrage, resentment, blame, guilt, fanaticism, etc.  Resulting actions include retaliation, destruction, oppression, and vengeance.

Misery can take any of these forms.  Misery is like opening a vein and letting your personal power simply drain out of you.

Searching for Power

Until this conversation with my friend, I had never seen Interpreter Mode as a state of searching.  I’ve included such emotions as ambition, desire, yearning, possessiveness and envy in that category, but I hadn’t thought about them in terms of searching for one’s own personal power.  As we were talking about the energy of pain, I could see how moaning, impatience, and unhappiness were not only forms of resistance, but the longing for personal power.  In a way, these emotions say to the injury (or the source of the injury), “You’ve taken away my power and I want you to give it back to me.”

This can apply to any painful situation – lack of money, trouble in a relationship, frustration on the job, an illness.  And although something that’s not whole may have the power to fix itself, it doesn’t have the power to fix you.  Behaviors that reject or resist the situation may actually be efforts on your part to find strength or personal power.  But pulling energy away from something that’s broken will never strengthen you.  Whining, swearing, protesting, lamenting, fuming, moaning or disagreeing may be your cries for help, but they drain away healing energy.  They weaken the injury itself.  You and the situation both lose.

Hoarding Power

Since my friend’s not the type to fret or moan, the discussion to this point was mostly academic.  With the injury so fresh, she was perfectly content to indulge in an afternoon of no expectations.  But she has a job and a home and responsibilities, and it’s easy to think in terms of what’s wrong, of what’s in the way.  We pursued the question of limitations.

How much does any external circumstance limit personal power?  We were able to create a long list of resources we had seen as limited and/or limiting at one time or another.  We agreed time, money, education, health, and energy were the most common, and we realized that when someone feels limited, the most likely reaction is to conserve.  People want to not waste time, save money, preserve their health, budget their energy.  The same applies to personal power – when we feel our power is limited, we try to conserve, to save, to preserve.  To hoard.

But what if there were no limitations?  What if by not hoarding personal power, we not only expanded it but everything else as well?  The more my friend and I played with this idea, the more we realized it actually works the other way around.  Controlling time, saving money, preserving health and budgeting physical energy drain away huge amounts of personal power.  If we could see time and money and health and physical energy as free and flowing and abundant, we’d also have a more abundant supply of personal power.

Observing Power

In the trade-offs between gaining and losing, there’s a mid point of neutrality that’s actually quite powerful.  This is when you remove all resistance and simply be with what is.  I’ve had quite a lot of experience with holding neutrality in times of stress and physical adversity, so my friend agreed to let me coach her a bit around the pain in her ankle.  First we did some calming exercises (Calm and Curious), then I encouraged her to relax any resistance, to ease away from the hurt, to think about the area around the injury that didn’t hurt and let the area of injury simply become empty space.

If resistance drains positive power away from an injury, then non-resistance lets the components of the injury get on with a natural healing process.  When you can simply observe what is rather than label it, deny it, argue with it, or try to control it in some other way, you stop being an energy drag.  Without drag or depletion, every injury heals more quickly.

Directing Power

“So now what?” my friend asked.  “I have to admit my ankle hurts less, but I don’t feel like dancing.”

I imagined a conduit between her and her injured ankle, flowing with energy.  If frustration and complaint draw energy away from the injury, and neutrality stops the flow of energy so the ankle can preserve whatever wasn’t lost when the injury occurred, what would make energy flow back into the ankle and accelerate healing?

Well, probably Partner Power.  So we looked at the list again, and my friend identified three emotions she thought would be most helpful to her:  cheerfulness, appreciation and trust.  She could be cheerful even if she hurt, she certainly appreciated her ankle and how well it had supported her all her life, and she trusted all would soon be well.  I suggested she call up those emotions and direct them toward her ankle.  She agreed that sounded like a lot more fun than worrying about how long it would take to heal.  Every time she thought about her ankle in some limiting way, she would turn off that draining energy and send cheerful, restorative energy toward it.

Reinforcing Power

I suspect that everyone is born with the potential for unlimited access to infinite power.  I also suspect that almost from the moment we’re born we start perceiving limitations.  Few of us are taught to use our thoughts, our actions, our emotions, and our instincts in ways that energize us and expand our potential.

Where you perceive you can, then you can.  And where you perceive you can’t, then you can’t.  Explore the areas of can to discover the components of your facility.  What you find then becomes your guidebook for how to turn any can’t into a can.  And then, the more willing you are to transfer your proven strengths, the more you apply correct principles, the more you practice, the more you will notice change and growth.  Reinforce what works, and what works will work better for you.

Think in terms of giving energy rather than taking it.  The more you give, the more you gain.  The more you take, the more you lose.  This choice exists in every situation – and it’s always yours to make.

For personal help in identifying your strengths and Personal Power, and then translating those strengths into results, please contact me directly.  Email:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Posted in Acceptance, Beliefs, Calmness, Cooperation, Healing, Interpreter Mode, Mind Power, Observer Mode, Partner Mode, Trust, Willingness, personal power | 40 Comments »

Look Differently, See Differently

Sunday, October 24th, 2010

It’s been said in Utah that everyone’s a Mormon – a Mormon, a non-Mormon, or an ex-Mormon.  Recently I heard a terrific reply – “Yeah, and everyone’s a chicken, a Chicken, or a non-Chicken, or an ex-Chicken.”

Clearly, it’s a matter of perspective.  If you happen to be a chicken, you probably see everything from the perspective of chicken or not-chicken.  (Do you suppose they have any concept of ex-chicken?)  As a person, you have probably never considered yourself to be a non-chicken.

No, you’re not a chicken, you’re a human being.  And human beings have a strong tendency to think in dichotomous terms – even when we can see the shades of gray.  Everywhere you turn there’s some way of looking at yourself that’s either/or:  Conservative/Liberal, Artistic/Scientific, City/Rural, Rich/Poor, Introvert/Extrovert, Nerd/Jock.  More sophisticated systems, such as Meyers-Briggs or the Ennead, bring other facets into the mix, expanding the number of possible factors.  Up to a point, such systems can expand our awareness; they can also become just another set of labels.  And labels, by nature, are always constraining.

Today, I want to explore some different ways of looking at yourself and your choices.

Character Traits

As a self-aware person you probably try to be mindful of both what you’ve got going for you and your challenges.  From a dichotomous perspective, you could sort the various aspects of your character into two columns – strengths and weaknesses.  But just naming them doesn’t tell you much about either.

Instead, consider the ways your “weaknesses” contribute to your “strengths.”  What if you’ve acquired your strengths because of something you consider a weakness?  What if a perceived weakness actually intensifies your strengths?  For instance:

  • Perhaps you’re always late.  Others (and maybe yourself) consider this a flaw – an insensitivity to other people’s time, a lack of self-discipline, carelessness, an insult, etc.  Perhaps you’re also highly creative, unrestricted, more in-the-clouds than on-solid-ground.  What if you’re creative because you’re unrestricted?  Or what if you can’t keep track of time because you give your creativity full rein?
  • Perhaps you have a poor memory.  You’re fully aware of this lack, and it’s always been a challenge.  Perhaps you’re also an expert in your field (maybe several different fields).  What if you delve more deeply into subjects because achieving understanding is your way to work around not being able to remember?  Or what if because you prefer to explore, you never committed any energy to cultivating your memory?
  • Perhaps you are extremely introverted, shy, unwilling to call attention to yourself. You often feel left out, even invisible.  Perhaps you’re a natural, instinctive observer and you’ve gained great wisdom through paying close attention to what goes on around you.  What if you pay attention to details others miss because you are quiet and reserved?  Or what if you think you’re shy only because you can’t observe as well when you’re caught up in the noise and drama of the crowd?

In one sense, the greatest strength and the greatest weakness are often opposite extremes of the same trait.  Even when you can’t see a continuum between something you consider a strength and something you consider a weakness, it’s entirely possible they expand each other.  In many instances, a strength contributes to a weakness, and a weakness contributes to a strength.

Features

When you’re shopping for a car, you decide the features you’re looking for – sun roof, heated seats, all-wheel drive, trunk space, etc.  When you’re looking for a job, you have a list of features you want – local, good hours, challenging but not stressful, benefits, etc.  When you’re looking for a romantic relationship, you have a list of desirable qualities – honest, good humor, age range, education level, shared values, etc.

If you find a car you like (or a job or a potential partner), but it doesn’t have everything on your list, you have to decide whether what is there matters more than what’s not there.

What if you fall in love with a car for a reason not on your list?  Say it’s a beautifully elegant hybrid, and when you sit at the wheel it feels as if it was crafted just for you, but it doesn’t have a sun roof or all-wheel drive.  You decide you can live without those features and you buy it.  So now it’s yours.  When you’re driving it around, do you care about what it doesn’t have?  Or do you appreciate what it does have?  To achieve the highest level of enjoyment with your car, find value in both what it has and what it doesn’t have.

Jobs and relationships are, of course, more complicated than cars simply because people are more complicated than machinery.  However, the same general rules apply.  When you’re giving your attention to what is not, you’re not giving your attention to what is.

Also, what is not might be contributing to what is. The remote, over-committed boss you complain about because you don’t get enough supervision might be the very reason you have a huge amount of autonomy and responsibility.  Your achievements at work might be possible because you have to self-manage and make up your job as you go.

It’s almost impossible to sort through the elements of a situation or a relationship and come out with an accurate picture of the ways the various factors influence each other.  It’s easier to appreciate what is and what is not, to honor what is and what is not, to celebrate what is and what is not.

Perceptions

Artists talk about negative space – the spaces between.  The trick is to look at the empty spaces and see what’s there.  This is a counter-intuitive approach.  We tend to look for what is there, to recognize the shape and color of what we can see.  When you look at a tree, you are more likely to look at the limbs and the leaves than at the shape of the sky between branches.

This tendency to look at what is applies to all aspects of our lives.  We tend to consider what we see as true and what we don’t see as not true.  Unfortunately, what we see is heavily influenced by such factors as upbringing, beliefs, experience, education, even personality.  When we believe something, we tend to look for supporting evidence – and what we look for we tend to see.  We’re also likely to reinterpret what we see to support a belief we already hold.

For example, do you believe other drivers are rude or considerate?  Either way, you can probably cite myriad instances to support your opinion.  As an experiment, I challenge you to start looking for evidence supporting the opposite of what you believe.  If you believe all drivers are rude, start noticing acts of consideration.  If you believe all drivers are considerate, start looking for rudeness.  Either way, you will find what you start looking for.

In Practice

Here are some examples of areas where a shift in perception can help you produce different results:

  • If you think your child is a brat, start looking for evidence of gentleness, consideration, good humor, or resilience.
  • If you think money is hard, start looking for evidence of ease, good fortune, plenty, or comfort.
  • If you think you have a terrible job, start looking for evidence of kindness, cooperation, appreciation, efficiency, or good results.
  • If you think your body is falling apart, start looking for what works well, where you don’t hurt, and notice when you feel good.

To take it one step further, act as if . . .

  • Your child is a delightful, enjoyable person.
  • Money comes easily and shows up unexpectedly.
  • The people you work with are kind, cooperative, appreciative and produce good results.
  • Your body is strong and healthy and wants to help you enjoy life.

When you look for something, you will probably find it.  When you bring your own positive, willing, eager energy to something, it will begin to respond in kind.

If you want to create different results in any area of your life, I invite you to contact me and investigate personal life coaching.

For a free exploratory session, write me at:   kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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(N)Ever Surrender

Sunday, October 17th, 2010

I first encountered the concept of surrender in a manifestation class many years ago, and it made no sense to me.  Even though I understood the idea, (intellectually, at least) of surrendering one’s struggles to God, this was a manifestation class.  We were talking about choosing and creating and attracting, and I didn’t see what I was supposed to surrender.  I could see quite clearly various aspects and behaviors I could adopt – but surrender?

Well, during the years since then, I’ve come to realize surrendering is relative.  There are things to ever surrender, and there are things to never surrender.  Today I’m going to put some of them into context with each other.

Personal Power and Guarantee

In life, there can be no guarantees, and yet our culture seems to demand them.  Wherever we see danger, we look for protection.  Everywhere we look we see rules, regulations, safety features, alarm systems, guard rails, insurance policies, fences and armies, all devised to save us from harm.  But if you demand security from others – from the government, from parents, from the legal system, from social custom, from an employer – you are basically saying, “My well-being is your responsibility, not mine.”

Of course, it can be very comforting to place that responsibility in someone else’s lap.  Then, if anything goes wrong, you have someone else to blame, maybe someone to turn to for compensation.  However, when you cede responsibility, you also cede personal power.

To avoid surrendering your personal power, surrender your need for a guarantee.  Or, conversely, when you retain and strengthen your personal power, you release your need for a guarantee.

Every human being has within them the potential for unlimited personal power, the potential to become the creators of their own lives.  (Although, we’re not all born into equally conducive environments.  You, for instance, have more freedom to access your power than a starving mother in the Sudan.)   You have within you the powers of peace, love, joy, awe, delight, optimism and authenticity.  When you cultivate these aspects of your personal power, when you trust them and use them to create your life, you create your own well-being and your own security.  Never surrender your personal power; always surrender the need for a guarantee.

Discernment and Judgment

In our lexicon, judgment has two meanings.  In one sense, it has an objective meaning with clear distinctions – something is right or wrong, legal or illegal, pure or sinful.  In another sense, it’s subjective and relies on perception, encompassing the full range of from bad to good.  Perception, of course, is relative to present circumstances, past experiences, embedded beliefs, future expectations, etc.  For instance, snowy weather might be “terrible” to a commuter and “terrific” to a skier.  A beautiful chocolate torte might be “fabulous” to a connoisseur and “obscene” to an ascetic.

In both the objective and the subjective sense, judgment generates struggle.  Once you judge something “good” or “bad”, you impose limitations, and limitations induce conflict.  Let’s look at some every-day situations to see how this unfolds.

  • You have a co-worker who dominates meetings with rambling monologs.  You judge this associate to be annoying, or stupid, or a pain-in-the-neck.  As soon as she starts talking, your resentment kicks in and you tune out.  When you stop caring about what she has to say, you also stop seeing than anything good can come out of the meeting.
  • You and your brother are on opposite sides of the political spectrum.  You’re “right” and he’s wr—oops, “left.”   You wish he’d open his eyes to the facts, and he acts like you’re the one who’s stupid.  You can’t even talk to each other any more without calling each other names.
  • You’ve been a procrastinator all your life.  At various times you’ve judged this as “lazy,” “free-spirited,” “rebellious,” or “insecure.”  By now, you’ve given up trying to understand it, you just know it’s an insufficiency.  You hate it in yourself, it causes you stress, but you’ve pretty much concluded there’s nothing you can do about it.

Judgment increases stress and decreases possibilities.  So, what if you surrendered judgment?  What if you simply let go of any need to see things as right/wrong, good/bad/ full/empty, in/out?  What would you have left?  Discernment.

When you surrender judgment, you surrender limitation and conflict.  When you lay claim to discernment, you open yourself to possibilities and cooperation.  Let’s look at the above situations and see the difference.

  • Where judgment translates into annoyance at the rambling co-worker, discernment stays focused on the purpose of the meeting.  Discernment can separate contribution from distraction and look for the win-win.  Discernment can tease out what’s going on beneath the surface and bring benefit into the open.
  • Where judgment erects fences, discernment finds common ground.  Discernment asks questions instead of labeling and dividing.
  • A personal strength is often the other end of a continuum of a trait that’s been labeled a flaw or weakness.  “Procrastinators” may be at their most creative while they’re delaying.  A “bad memory” may be the gateway to greater depths of understanding.  Being “too cautious” may be an assessment process, the weighing of options to find a wiser approach.

Never surrender your discernment; always surrender the need to impose judgment.

Choice and Victim-ness

Victims don’t have options.  Or at least they believe they don’t.  If you believe you have no choice in some area of your life, in that area you have surrendered your free will.  The moment you surrender free will, you become a victim.

Choice exists in every situation, in every realm, under every circumstance.  Sometimes the circumstances may seem impossible, such as a genetic condition, or the situation of your birth, or the state of the economy, or an earlier choice than now feels binding and irredeemable.  Every day, either consciously or subconsciously, you say “yes” or “no” to that situation.  If you say “yes,” you agree to be a victim and surrender the pursuit of other possibilities.  If you say, “no,” you start looking for further options, hidden opportunities, unrecognized solutions.

Never surrender your freedom of choice; always relinquish the ties that bind you to victim-ness.

Enjoyment and Attachment

Attachment is a binding.  You become bound up with something, glued to it, and now you carry it around with you wherever you go.  You might be attached to another person, a principle, a belief, a goal, your houses, an animals, a cause, your friends, your enemies, a car, a habit, a perception, an outcome, etc.  Any separation from the object (or effort to separate) causes you anxiety and/or pain.

Enjoyment, by comparison, has no strings.  With enjoyment, you’re free to stay or leave – and so is whatever you’ve become attached to.

Emotions are key components of both attachment and enjoyment.  The difference is in the kind of emotion you’re applying, and what you expect as a result.  The emotions of attachment always include an element of desperation – as if without the object of your attachment you will be less in some way.  Such emotions include fear, desire, hatred, anxiety, concern, insecurity, rigidity, guilt, grief, certainty, etc.  The emotions of enjoyment are always expansive:  affection, openness, contentment, delight, trust, fun, confidence, etc.

Never surrender your enjoyment (of life, of others, of today, or the hidden treasures in challenging situations); always surrender your attachment to the things and circumstances of your life that are not yours to control.

Self and Ego

By definition, ego is simply another name for self.  By connotation, however, it carries all kinds of burden.  It’s used as a stand-in for pride, self-importance, conceit, vanity, arrogance, etc.  In that guise, it becomes the enemy of the self, almost the anti-self.

The best description of ego in this sense came from a little book on Hindu philosophy I read a decade or so ago.  Ego is when you believe something about yourself and it becomes important to you that others see you the same way.  Any trait or feature of yourself applies here – beauty, intelligence, extroversion, spirituality, productivity; irresponsibility, brashness, rebellion, superiority.

To surrender ego without surrendering yourself, recognize all the true and precious aspects of you.  Let go of any need for others to see you in any certain way.

Strength and Guilt

Guilt drains away strength.  Guilt appears when you perceive you acted wrongly.  Perhaps you said the wrong thing, or lost an opportunity, or hurt someone, or make a bad choice, or over-reacted, or committed a sin, or didn’t exercise, or broke your diet, or spent too much money, etc., etc., etc.  You believe yourself in error (or worse).  In a case against yourself, you decide the verdict first and then you act as the prosecutor, the judge and the jury.  You refuse to call any witnesses in your own behalf.  And then you sentence yourself, and you surrender to some self-imposed punishment.  You abandon any good feelings toward yourself, such as kindness, or compassion, or trust, or gentleness, or joy, or any other indicator of inner strength – because you don’t deserve them.

And when you surrender your strength, you also relinquish any power you have to make amends, to change, to learn, to improve, to recoup, to compensate, to rebuild.

Never surrender your strength.  See it as the way to identify your contribution to the events and circumstances of your life.  See it as a form of divine guidance, steering you through the shoals of challenge.  Instead, surrender  all pangs of guilt that eat at you from the inside, gnawing at both your mind and your heart.

Neutrality and Defensiveness

I’m not sure whether the old saying, “The best defense is a good offense,” was first applied to football or to war.  Not being a fan of either, I’m also not sure how well it works in either case.  I do know it’s often applied in interpersonal relationships, and in those situations it’s never effective.

In relationships, defensiveness is deadly.  It will eventually destroy all companionship, respect, love, trust, ease, enjoyment, and peace.  All the attitudes I’ve suggested in this article for surrender (and many others) usually result in defensiveness.  You will become defensive if you expect a guarantee, if you judge yourself or the other person, if you’re prone to victim-ness, if you’re attached to something that matters more than the relationship, if you have an ego need, if you feel guilty.

The best cure for defensiveness is to surrender it.  To become neutral.

When you are neutral, you can see the other person’s point of view, you can look for more options, more possibilities become visible, you plug up the holes from which you leak personal power, and you can discover your strengths.

One thing that is true:  when you stop being defensive, you also stop being offensive.

The What and The How

A true statement of surrender is, “Let go, and let God.”  Stop trying to control all the little details, and trust The Infinite.

But what is God’s job, and what is your job?  Choice is always your job.  God cannot choose for you.  Free will is more than a right, it’s an obligation.  A responsibility.  When you surrender choice, you surrender will, and without will all that remains is chaos.

What you want is up to you.  Never surrender your intention, your ability to choose.  Never surrender your ability to see options, to imagine the possible.  Never surrender your confidence that you can create the life you want.

Always surrender the how. You don’t have to be able to see every step of the way between where you are now and where you want to go.  How is not up to you.  Trying to control how, constricts possible solutions and limits potential miracles.

Good personal life coaching helps you explore possibilities and gain more effective tools.  For a free introductory coaching session, write me at:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Posted in Beliefs, Calmness, Free will, Making Miracles, Possibilities, The Law of Attraction, manifestation | 1 Comment »

Calm and Curious

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

I am visiting my grandson (and his parents).  Not that I’m prejudiced or anything, but little Asher has to be one of the cutest babies of all time.  He’s also the calmest child I’ve ever spent much time with – and the most curious.

These qualities of calmness and curiosity were evident when he was only a few weeks old; now at fifteen months they seem to shine out of his eyes.  He fusses only when he reaches the extremes of discomfort.  The rest of the time, he observes.  He’s friendly with everyone, and he grins with delight at just about anything that catches his attention. I’m captivated by his emerging personality. I’m also intrigued by the apparent relationship between calmness and curiosity.

A couple of years ago, when I first started thinking about observer emotions, I realized curiosity was a mental state that promotes calmness.  Watching Asher, I’ve been wondering which comes first.  Is calmness a prerequisite for curiosity?  Does curiosity promote calmness?  Or is this one of those cyclical relationships where you can’t have one without the other?  Together they are an extraordinary combination.

The Interrelationship

Calmness is free of judgment.  All emotions that contain judgment (irritation, frustration, greed, boredom, guilt, pity, doubt, etc) produce tension and/or stress.

To see this at work in your own life, identify a stress-laden emotion you have experienced recently, such as disappointment or impatience or embarrassment.  Revisit the situation in which you experienced it, and notice what happens within your body.  Do your shoulders tighten up?  Does your stomach clench?  Does your throat close?  Do your hands tremble?

Now pay attention to your thoughts.  See if you can identify the judgments underlying the emotion.  They may focus on blaming yourself:  It’s all my fault.  What’s wrong with me?   Why can’t I get my act together?  If only I had said something else (or known better, or planned ahead, or read between the lines).  What if I were different  (thinner, or more coordinated, or smarter, or richer, or had more time)?

Or perhaps your thoughts focus on blaming others:  It’s all their fault.  How can other people be so stupid (or cruel, or thoughtless, or impossible)?   If they would only listen. Why does s/he always have to act so smug (or indifferent, or have the last word)?

Or you may lay the blame on circumstances:  It’s the lousy economy.  My family was dirt poor.  Society doesn’t accept people like me.  This is because I was horribly injured by an accident (or a birth defect, or starvation, or a sadistic teacher).

Less Judgment = More calm

Now see if you can remove the judgment.  Perhaps one of the following techniques will help you stop playing the blame game:

  • Recognize everyone always does the best they can, given what they know and the skills they have.  You certainly do.  You never get up in the morning and think, “I wonder how many people I can obstruct today, or insult, or embarrass, or ignore.”  Nor do you read minds.  You get absorbed, you have goals and deadlines, and things come up.  Given your strengths and weaknesses, you do your best.  And so does everyone else.
  • Don’t take things personally.  Grow a couple of layers of thicker skin.  (Or become a duck and shed other people’s stuff the way a duck sheds water.)
  • Choose a neutral emotion – such as curiosity.

Curiosity calms both the mind and the emotions.  If the questions churning in your mind are any variation of the themes Why me? or How come? you will experience stress and tension.  When you change the question to What if . . .? your tension level immediately starts dropping.

Less Certainly = More Possibilities

Curiosity brushes aside certainly and opens the door to other possibilities:  What if the coworker who just snubbed you is preoccupied or overwhelmed?  What if everyone you encounter on the street isn’t looking at you with scorn?  What if your frustrating personal weaknesses are actually assets?  What if the most stress-producing person in your life is actually your greatest teacher?  What if it’s not your anxiety that keeps the plane in the air?  What if just because everyone else is passing around an infection, you don’t have to catch it?  What if money was easy?  What if you aren’t too old?

However, if tension has been your norm, your mind is probably more adept at putting up roadblocks than taking them down.  Most likely, an objection immediately follow your initial what if question.  For instance, you might ask, What if I could have a pleasant relationship with my child? and the buts come flowing in.  But she’s such a brat, but she’s always on the go, but she’s got that nose ring, but she misinterprets everything I say, but I get so sarcastic.

Push past the obstacles with more what if questions.  Stay curious.  What if I could I could truly ignore the nose ring?  What if I could adopt a different tone of voice?  What if I concentrated on what I love about her?  What if I could induce her to bring her friends here to hang out?  What if I weren’t quite so reactive?  What if I let her have the consequences of her actions?  What if she loves me as much as I love her?  What if I could always stay calm with her?

Calmness allows thoughts to flow without distortion.  The emotions that cause tension (because they include judgment) almost always impede clear thinking.  For example, frustration often sends the mind into stories of what’s wrong; ambition reduces the worth of both other people and current circumstances; remorse tends to grab and expand blame; envy gives significance to what others have while discounting what you have.  Such stories make assumptions, twist facts, draw false conclusions, and reinforce the underlying emotions.

More Calm = More Flexibility

Calmness, on the other hand, frees the mind of such congestion.  When you can step away from a stress-generating emotion and into calmness, your mind will become clearer.  You are able to challenge your assumptions, cull out the actualities, look for additional possibilities, and gain the flexibility of curiosity.

Consider for a moment the difference between flexibility and rigidity.  Few things in nature are rigid, and those that are “suffer” most when assailed by strong forces.  Trees sway in the wind, ground shifts, ice flexes; that which is most supple and flexible seems to survive best.  On the other hand, as the red rock canyon country of Utah illustrates, even solid rock doesn’t withstand the assaults of water and wind.

The human body has greater strength and longevity when it’s kept flexible through exercise and use.  The human mind has greater creativity and accumulates more knowledge when it’s kept flexible through curiosity.  Curiosity is a lot like water, always looking for a way out or through or over or under, preferring flow to stagnation, able to wash away impurities, essential to life.  Curiosity allows thoughts to stay elastic and helps emotions to become calm.

More Curiosity = More Elasticity

Curiosity also dismisses expectations.  There’s an old saying that expectations are pre-formed disappointments.  Actually the life-cycle of a disappointment begins with some kind of judgment.  Imagine, for example, you just had your annual review at work, and on a scale of 1 – 10, you were given a rating of 5.  Average.  You know you’re excellent at your job.  You work hard, you solve problems, you have the esteem of your co-workers, your boss includes you in high-level planning.  What’s with the 5?  You’ve never gotten less than an 8!

Pride depends on measuring, comparing and rating; it thrives on reassurance, outside validation, and recognition.  So your pride has been wounded, and you spin a story:  They don’t value me.  Their priorities are all mixed up.  Their policies are stupid.  They don’t deserve me. The more the story churns around, the more wounded and disappointed you feel.  What if you could set your pride aside and let your curiosity explore other possibilities, see the situation from other angles?

Perhaps the company just changed the rating system.  Perhaps your manager has been told he must use a bell curve.  Perhaps you’re already slightly over paid and someone else doing the same job way underpaid.  Perhaps the company’s expectations of you are already so high, you’d have to pull rabbits out of hats to exceed how highly they think of you.  Perhaps you can emotionally detach from any external rating scale.  You can certainly explore your options:  you can challenge your review, you can set new goals for yourself, you can find a mentor, you can quit.

Being calm and being curious play off each other.  When you are calm, you can be curious; when you are curious, calm follows.  Together, they infuse your thinking with creativity and they ease your emotions out of stress and into serenity.  Because they are so closely tied together, you can start with either one and find the other.

Mastering Curiosity

To become curious, ask such questions as:

  • What if what I think isn’t true?
  • What other factors than I can see might be in play?
  • What if my premises are wrong?
  • What if my emotions are getting in the way?
  • What other possibilities exist?
  • What can I do differently?
  • What expectations have I been holding?

Mastering Calm

To become calm, you can focus on calming your mind, calming your body or calming your emotions.  As soon as one you soothe one aspect of your being, the other aspects will follow.  Try one or more of the following techniques.  (Their effectiveness for you may vary by situation.)

To calm your body:

  • Breathe deeply.  Inhale slowly into your diaphragm, paying attention to the air all the way in and all the way out.  Be with your body.  Repeat 4-6 times.  The body relaxes with such regulated and increased oxygenation.
  • Open your senses.  Pay attention to what you can hear, what you can see, what you can smell, what you can taste, and/or what you can feel.  Your senses are your access to the world, and compared to your own stress, the world is very stable.
  • Be in nature.  Go outside and be open to temperature, weather, plants, animals, and your body’s responses.  Nature is generous, inspiring, settling and calming.
  • Expand your body from within.  Become tall, lengthen your neck, broaden your shoulders, expand your rib cage, lengthen your arms and legs, stretch your skin.  When your body is tight, it hoards tense emotions; when your body is expanded, it welcomes generous emotions.

To calm your mind:

  • Count your blessings.  Think of five things you’re thankful for and savor them.  Especially be mindful to the blessings and advantages you enjoy that you didn’t earn.  Appreciation of what’s good switches the mind off something you might be judging negatively.
  • Laugh out loud.  Chuckle, giggle, tee-hee.  Generate it from your belly, your chest, your throat, your nose, your toes.  Just find some form of laughter inside of you and let it come out your mouth.  Laughter is a very effective medicine.
  • See truth.  Think of something you know to be true.  Even small truths work well here:  The sun is shining (or it’s raining); I love my dog (or my child, or my spouse), I am well-fed (or hungry), I like ice cream (or swimming, or a good book, or martinis).  Truth will help you stop any story your mind might be spinning.
  • Be present.  Take note of whatever you are doing.  If you are eating, savor every bite; if you are working, focus on the task; if you are walking, observe the roll of your feet, the resilience of the ground, the sounds and textures of the environment.  Focus your mind on what is, and you will find ease from whatever story your brain is making up.

To calm your emotions:

  • Smile.  Researchers have discovered, using MRI, that turning up the corners of the mouth changes the way the synapses in the brain fire.  Just by smiling, you move your brain activity to a happier location of the brain.
  • See beauty.  Notice something you believe to be beautiful and savor it.  Seeing beauty is like seeing truth, except on the emotional level.  Enjoying the beautiful will ease your heart away from any agitation and cool heated emotions.
  • Be silly.  Stick out your tongue, wiggle your butt, dance a jig, cross your eyes – let down your defenses.  To be silly for even a few moments will helps you transcend any tension-causing rules that bind you to beliefs and behaviors that may not be true for you.
  • Evoke a neutral emotion.  Basically, this is letting go of judgment and becoming the observer.  That transition moves you from stress to serenity.

When you become calm, you can be curious.  When you allow yourself to be curious, you become calm.  Either way you come at it, when you are calm and curious, life is more interesting and more fun.


One of the services I provide for my clients is to help them develop strategies for mastering such aspects of their lives as calmness and curiosity.  If you could benefit from such help, please write to me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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Posted in Beliefs, Calmness, Cause and Effect, Curiosity, Neutrality, Possibilities | 6 Comments »

Surety

Sunday, September 26th, 2010

Last week I emphasized the importance of conceptualizing what you want (instead of what you have) and then believing the result you imagine is possible.

When you believe something is possible, that belief establishes a surety around that possibility, increases its likelihood.  When you believe something is impossible, that belief establishes a surely which decreases the possibility.

The possibility, in and of itself, is neutral, neither likely nor unlikely, poised in the middle of a scale, yet having no power to tip the scale either way.  The force that tips the scale one direction or the other is belief.  Imagine the scale looks like this:

Impossible < Improbable < Possible > Probable > Inevitable

If you are neutral about a possibility, you sit in the middle of the scale.  More likely, you have a belief and the scale is already tipped in the direction of your belief.

Sometimes when you want something, you start at that middle point where everything is possible.  Perhaps what you want exceeds your knowledge of how to achieve it, but you know other people have reached a similar objective, which means it must be within reach.  Other people stay out of debt, other people weigh the right amount for their height, other people have jobs they love, other people have happy relationships.  Therefore, perhaps you can, too.  In this neutral state, you are calm, steady, interested, mindful.  Your sense of your own abilities allows for the likelihood of success as much as the likelihood of failure.

Sometimes, failure looms larger than success.  Maybe you doubt your abilities, your opportunities, or your luck; maybe you see obstacles or limitations in the way; maybe your experiences have taught you to keep your expectations in check.  Other people may have achieved what you want, but the path ahead seems overgrown with struggle and difficulty and attainment seems improbable.  Just thinking about it makes you tired.

Sometimes the desired result seems impossible, more fantasy than reality.  You’ve never actually seen anyone else achieve that “pie-in-the-sky” outcome, so you doubt the success stories.  Yeah, sure, John and Mary fell in love and lived happily-every-after, just like Prince Charming really saved Cinderella from a life of drudgery.  The sheer impossibility of the dream immobilizes you.

Other times, the scale tips toward attainment.  When you envision what you want, the way ahead looks clear.  You know what to do, you are willing to do it, and you feel confident.  With a good plan, a little luck, perhaps some help along the way, the possible becomes probable.  You proceed willingly and full of hope.

And sometime what you want shines ahead of you like a beacon, strong and bright.  You know you’re aligned with yourself and the universe.  Without conscious effort, your stride forward eagerly; all you have to do is head for it and it’s yours.  Inevitably.

So which comes first?  Your level of belief?  The energy you project?  Your degree of confidence?  The outcome you envision?

Actually, each of these elements contributes to the others.  You can shift your energy, you can reinforce your confidence, you can more clearly envision, or you can relax your doubt and expand your belief.

Belief Produces Results

Some things happen with such regularity and consistency, you know they’re true:  breathing, gravity, magnetism, the phases of the moon, trees lose their leaves in the fall, etc.  No belief is necessary.

Some things you have come to believe over the course of your lifetime and they also feel true.  Of course these things vary from person to person, but consider what you know vs. what you believe about such things as whether your parents love you, how smart (or athletic, or artistic) you are, whether the world is hostile or friendly, etc.

Then there are the things you hope to be true, such as that you will advance in your company, that you will find your soul mate, that your back will stop hurting, that you will get out of debt, etc.  Generally speaking, hope is the factor that sustains desires you’re not quite sure of.

And finally are the things you believe are not true.  This might include practices that make no sense to you, such as astrology, or alternate medicine, or prayer, or self-flagellation.  It might include things about yourself, including what you believe you are not talented in, or capable of, or have the resources for.

There’s an old adage that says, “Whether you believe you can or your believe you can’t, you’re right.”  If you’re willing to review your beliefs, you will find a strong positive correlation between what you believe and your results.

Clearly, if you change what you believe you will change your results.

Belief = Surety

The certainly of your belief about a given possibility, however, is only one of the sureties influencing your results.  There is also the surety of your own personal power.  Just as no two people access their own power in exactly the same way, not everyone comes to trust their personal power in the same way.  I’ve identified four important starting points for believing in your own inner strength.

A starting point means exactly that.  The point at which it’s easiest for you to become calm, recognize the possibilities, and proceed more confidently toward what you want.

As I describe these four starting points, consider your own approach and see which one resonates most with you.

Trust Yourself

You believe in your strengths.  You sense (or know) you have talents, abilities, knowledge, experience, and you know your strengths can (or have the potential to) serve you well.

The more you trust yourself, the more you grow in confidence.  As your confidence grows, you recognize you are competent, smart, inventive, brave.  You realize you can easily transfer a competence (or aspects of that competence) from one situation to another.  As a problem solver, you trust your ability to see the scope, identify the steps, and learn the details as you go.  So there’s no limit to the types of problems you can take on.

You know your strengths – and you maximize them.  You minimize your weaknesses.  You don’t claim to be something you’re not, but neither do you let insufficiencies get in your way.  If there’s something you can’t do, you know someone who can and you’re not afraid to ask.

Trust Your Choices

You believe in growth.  You sense (or know) there are no mistakes.  You rely on the laws of cause-and-effect, knowing every choice simply produces an outcome.  The outcome then produces knowledge, and knowledge produces growth.

As you learn from experience, you gain confidence in your ability to make informed decisions, to take the known variables into consideration, and to do the necessary research.  This empowers you to choose again, proceed into the unknown, and continue to accumulate new knowledge.

Because you look for growth, you take difficulties, obstacles, or mishaps in stride.  Sometimes you may feel as excited about what you’re learning as you are about reaching your objective.  For you, every choice opens the door to adventure, and learning what not to do is as satisfying as learning what to do.

Trust The Infinite

You believe in a higher power (call it God, Cosmic Consciousness, The Field, The Universe, The Source, The Higher Self), and you are willing to (or already do) cultivate a personal relationship with it.

You sense (or know) you are not alone.  The more you trust the influence of The Infinite in your life, the more you look for and practice communicating with it.  You recognize guidance is always available, you stay receptive, and you trust that guidance to ease your way.

In addition to guidance, your connection with The Infinite provides both serenity and protection.  It accompanies you when you take risks, it encourages curiosity and amusement, it provides comfort in times of trial and courage in times of difficulty.  The more you rely on The Infinite, the more you understand your life.

Trust Your Intuition

You believe in your “sixth sense.”  You sense (or know) you gather information not limited to your five physical senses, and you incorporate it (or would like to) into the way you go through life.

You may see this information as coming from somewhere outside yourself, or it feel like a “gut” instinct.  It helps you make connections between disparate things, find unique solutions to problems, understand yourself at a deeper level, and recognize unusual possibilities.

As you gain experience with your intuition, you recognize the importance of neutrality, since prejudices of any kind will skew your insight.  The more you clear away intrusive thoughts, unruly emotions or impetuous behaviors, the more trustworthy your intuition becomes.  Ultimately, your intuition will guide you to the truest intentions, the most rewarding partnerships, and sustainable achievements.

Acquire Surety Through Mindfulness

So, you’ve found your starting place.  You’ve identified the one that resonates with you, and you want to expand your trust level.  Begin by mastering neutrality and stay mindful.  Just as each of these styles of surety can help you access and master your own personal power, they all present challenges along the way.

Beware of pride, ambition, fanaticism, arrogance, or a need for validation.  Be wary of any inner narratives that compare, measure or dispense judgment in any way.  Cultivate neutrality, awareness, generosity and compassion.  Pay attention to your thoughts, acknowledge your emotions, recognize the connection between the energies you generate and your results.  And be willing to take baby steps.  Progress of a slow but sure nature will bring you to the greatest levels of sureness and mastery.

If you would like person help creating the life you want, or mastering your personal power, please contact me.  As I life coach, I help people “move to the next level,” whatever that means to you.  Write me:  kathy@kathyjacobson.com

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